(The following is a non profit shabiki based parody. Elfen Lied is owned kwa Lynn Okamoto and Mamoru Kanbe along with Madman Entertainment and ADV Films. Please support the official release)
(Dead bodies everywhere)
Kurama: (Looks around) Dear God
Guard 1: All right men, this specimen is extremely dangerous. And for many reasons. One is that they can kill a man in seconds. Two is that they can block bullets. And three, and this is the big one, she is very distracting
Guard 2: How is she distract-(Lucy rips guards head off)
Guard 2: Oh my God……. She’s topless (Other guards talk in excitement) Oh, and she can kill people with her mind (Guards talk with less interest) But SHE’S TOPLESS (Guards get excited again) Lets just stay here awhile. What’s the worst that could hap- Wait is that a floating pen (Gets hit in the face with pen and dies)
Guard 3: Oh god, damn (Arms come off and dies) (Lucy continues walking and kills guards)
Guard 4: (Sees guards die) Oh fuck that (Runs off, but gets stopped kwa shut door) AH…. Damn you….. anime logic (Lucy gets closer) No, stop, there’s so much I’ve wanted to do in life, like kiss a girl…… and even kiss a man…… Oh god, why did I say that right when I’m about to di- (Gets killed) (Lucy opens door) (Group of guards aim guns at Lucy)
Guard: wewe done goofed
Kurama: Goddamn it, shut up. This is a dramatic moment, and I won’t let wewe ruin it for me
Guard: Sorry
Kurama: Its okay, just don’t do it again (Silence)
Kisaragi: Whoops (Trips)
Kurama: ARE wewe FUCKING KIDDING ME
Kisaragi: Oops, sorry
Kurama: I swear to God, you’re useless. We try to have a dramatic moment and wewe fuck it up. I hope wewe die (Lucy rips Kisaragi’s head off) Yeah, like that, only less brutal. Oh well, shoot the other one (Guards shoot)
Kurama: If we keep shooting. we’ll get her (10 sekunde later) I CAN’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING WENT WRONG BECAUSE OF A GODDAMN PEN!!! (Lucy walks past Kurama) Hey, aren’t wewe going to kill me
Lucy: Mmm, maybe later
Kurama: Oh, oka- Wait, I thought wewe weren’t supposed to talk
Lucy: …………. Oh shit (Walks faster)
Kurama: Quick, lock the doors (Doors shut and lock around Lucy) It’s a good thing I randomly appeared in this other room. Now to shoot her (Turrets shoot at Lucy, but Lucy reflects them)
Lucy: Bitch, please (Walks out of building)
Kurama: WHY THE FUCK WAS THAT OPEN
(30 dakika ago)
Worker: (Outside alisema door smoking cigarette) …………. I hate my job
(Present)
(Lucy walks out)
Sniper: (Whispers) Bloody Piker (Fires) (Hits Lucy in the helmet)
Kurama: She’s still alive
Sniper: Ah, this is bloody embarrassing
Lucy: (Falls off cliff)
Kurama: ……………….. Shit
Yuka: I’m just going to stand here……… Now I’m going to go for a walk that takes up to much of the shows time, but need to add dramatic effect
Kouta: Who are wewe talking to
Yuka: Oh, hello Kouta slash upendo interest
Kouta: Aren’t wewe my cousin
Yuka: WHO CARES!? THIS IS ANIME! WE CAN GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING!!!
Kouta: Never thought of it that way
Yuka: Now, come on, lets go watch the ocean
Kouta: Why
Yuka: STORY REASONS!
Kouta: Never thought of it that way
(Later)
Yuka: There, we sped up all that filler nonsense
Kouta: It really wasn’t filler
Yuka: If it takes zaidi than three sekunde to songesha the story along, its filler to me
Kouta: Oh never mind
Yuka: Damn ri- Oh my god, what is that (Sees Lucy)
Kouta: A girl with pink hair. How original
Yuka: Why is she naked
Kouta: Probably from the nudist colony in the other town
Nyuu: (Looks) (Runs) (Falls and trips)
Yuka: Ha, she fell. It’s funny to me
Kouta: Is she okay
Yuka: I don’t know. I think she’s retarded
Kouta: WHOA, YUKA
Yuka: What
Kouta: wewe can’t just say that
Yuka: I don’t mean in an offensive way. I think she is actually mentally retarded. I mean, why would I insult her like that. That would just be retarded
Kouta: So, should we take her home
Yuka: Are wewe joking. What if she is some sort of psychopath. I refuse to-
(Later)
(Kouta and Yuka bring Nyuu home)
Yuka: How did I let wewe talk me into this
Kouta: I don’t know, but it can’t be that bad right
Nyuu: (Urinates on floor)
Yuka: Can’t be that bad, huh
Kouta: Shut it
Kurama: (See’s blood everywhere) My god
Scientist: Sir, there is only two reasons why she would do this
Kurama: What is it
Scientist: Well, one reason is that something in her mind must have caused her to go on a rampage so destructive, it could cause any form of damage
Kurama: And what’s the other one
Scientist: It’s much worse. We also believe that Lucy is……… ON HER PERIOD
Kurama: And it took a scientist to figure that out
Scientist: ……………. Yes
Bando: (Shoots targets)
Observer: Ah, here he is. Bando. Or, as he is most known as, the Asshole
Bando: Hey, when can I kill someone who is actually breathing
Observer: Well, yes, wewe can fight her-
Bando: And I get to kill her
Observer: Well, its best wewe bring her ali-
Bando: I can kill her right
Observer: It’s better if she is al-
Bando: Is that a yes au a no
Observer: (Sigh) Yes, wewe can kill her
Bando: I’ll do it
Girl: Oh, hello
Bando: BANDO! PUNCH! (Punches girl) Ha, hitting defenseless girls is fun (Laughs) Oh, god, I’m an asshole
Observer: He’s perfect
Man: Really
Observer: Fuck no, he’s an asshole. But, he’s all we got
Kouta: Okay, so maybe it would be a good idea to get Nyuu somewhere else
Yuka: Okay… kwa the way, she’s looking through your stuff
Kouta: (See’s Nyuu looking through backpack) (Nyuu drops blue box) Oh, be careful. This is a seashell left to me kwa my sister. It means a lot to me, so be very careful, okay
Nyuu: (Breaks seashell in half)
Kouta: ……………………………… I’M GOING TO FUCKING MURDER YOU!!!
Nyuu: (Runs off in fear)
Yuka: What if she did it because she didn’t want wewe to be sad
Kouta: That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard in my- Oh, that actually makes sense
Yuka: Well, I’ll go look for her
Kouta: Wait, I’ll help
Yuka: no, wewe will wait here until the sekunde episode
Kouta: Okay (Sits down)
Bando: So, guys, if wewe were to rate me on how much of an asshole I was, what would it be
Soldier: A hundred
Bando: Ha ha ha… not even close (Points gun at solider)
Soldier: Ah, what are wewe doing
Bando: Don’t worry, it’s not loaded. Watch (Clicks gun)
Soldier: Stop it
Bando: (Clicks gun)
Soldier: Stop It
Bando: (Clicks gun)
Soldier: STOP-
Bando: (Fires gun and kills soldier) Oh, shit…….. Um…… Okay, he killed himself due to the pressure of the mission. Thats the story
Other Soldier: Wait, handguns don’t work like th- (Bando shoots soldier)
Bando: He killed himself too
Kauto: (Sits) …………………… Well, its the sekunde episode. Time to go look for her (Gets up and leaves) (Gets stopped kwa detectives)
Detective 1: Excuse me, have wewe seen a girl with pink hair
Kauto: ………… Could wewe be zaidi specific. I see so much pink haired girls
Detective 2: Damn, he’s right. This is anime after all. Okay, sorry for wasting your time (Detectives walk off)
Nyuu: (Digs in sand)
Kauto: There wewe are
Nyuu: Nyuu?
Kauto: Oh, I’ll murder wewe later. Lets get go- (Gets hit with rifle)
Bando: Ha ha ha, oh I upendo beating up kids…….. Actually, I’ll kill the girl in a second. I just need to wait for something
Soldier: Like what
Kauto: Oh, my head
Bando: (Hits Kauto with rifle) OH, goddamn, that’s funny
Soldier: Can we just continue with the mission
Bando: Oh, okay….. Just a sec
Kauto: Oh, god, I think my nose is bro-
Bando: (Hit’s Kauto with rifle) OH, SWEET JESUS, THAT’S FUNNY!!! Okay, lets kill her
Soldier: I don’t know, should we
Bando: Come on, what’s the worst that could happen. She’ll rip wewe to pieces (Lucy rips soldier apart) …….. Oh, fuck me
Lucy: (Knocks Bando down) (Rips Bando’s arm off) Got wewe arm
Bando: AHHHHH!!!! I mean, wewe think I’m scared of you. It doesn’t even hu- (Lucy brakes Bando’s arm) AHHHHH!!! Okay, I take it back. It hurts so badly. So, here’s what I think. I will apologize, and we’ll forget this ever happened. Okay
Lucy: Sure
Bando: Really
Lucy: Yeah……….. First, I’m going to take your eyes
Bando: Wait what (Rips out Bando’s eyes) OH MY GOD
(Few days later)
Bando: (Sigh) I Lost my arm, my eyes, and, for some reason, my testicles. I don’t think it can get worse…… Oh, well, I’ll just beat up an even younger kid
Mayu: What (Bando punches Mayu)
(I ran out of jokes for the rest of this…… So settle for this)
Bando: (Hit’s Mayu multiple times)
(God that’s funny……. kwa the way, don’t beat up children)
(Dead bodies everywhere)
Kurama: (Looks around) Dear God
Guard 1: All right men, this specimen is extremely dangerous. And for many reasons. One is that they can kill a man in seconds. Two is that they can block bullets. And three, and this is the big one, she is very distracting
Guard 2: How is she distract-(Lucy rips guards head off)
Guard 2: Oh my God……. She’s topless (Other guards talk in excitement) Oh, and she can kill people with her mind (Guards talk with less interest) But SHE’S TOPLESS (Guards get excited again) Lets just stay here awhile. What’s the worst that could hap- Wait is that a floating pen (Gets hit in the face with pen and dies)
Guard 3: Oh god, damn (Arms come off and dies) (Lucy continues walking and kills guards)
Guard 4: (Sees guards die) Oh fuck that (Runs off, but gets stopped kwa shut door) AH…. Damn you….. anime logic (Lucy gets closer) No, stop, there’s so much I’ve wanted to do in life, like kiss a girl…… and even kiss a man…… Oh god, why did I say that right when I’m about to di- (Gets killed) (Lucy opens door) (Group of guards aim guns at Lucy)
Guard: wewe done goofed
Kurama: Goddamn it, shut up. This is a dramatic moment, and I won’t let wewe ruin it for me
Guard: Sorry
Kurama: Its okay, just don’t do it again (Silence)
Kisaragi: Whoops (Trips)
Kurama: ARE wewe FUCKING KIDDING ME
Kisaragi: Oops, sorry
Kurama: I swear to God, you’re useless. We try to have a dramatic moment and wewe fuck it up. I hope wewe die (Lucy rips Kisaragi’s head off) Yeah, like that, only less brutal. Oh well, shoot the other one (Guards shoot)
Kurama: If we keep shooting. we’ll get her (10 sekunde later) I CAN’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING WENT WRONG BECAUSE OF A GODDAMN PEN!!! (Lucy walks past Kurama) Hey, aren’t wewe going to kill me
Lucy: Mmm, maybe later
Kurama: Oh, oka- Wait, I thought wewe weren’t supposed to talk
Lucy: …………. Oh shit (Walks faster)
Kurama: Quick, lock the doors (Doors shut and lock around Lucy) It’s a good thing I randomly appeared in this other room. Now to shoot her (Turrets shoot at Lucy, but Lucy reflects them)
Lucy: Bitch, please (Walks out of building)
Kurama: WHY THE FUCK WAS THAT OPEN
(30 dakika ago)
Worker: (Outside alisema door smoking cigarette) …………. I hate my job
(Present)
(Lucy walks out)
Sniper: (Whispers) Bloody Piker (Fires) (Hits Lucy in the helmet)
Kurama: She’s still alive
Sniper: Ah, this is bloody embarrassing
Lucy: (Falls off cliff)
Kurama: ……………….. Shit
Yuka: I’m just going to stand here……… Now I’m going to go for a walk that takes up to much of the shows time, but need to add dramatic effect
Kouta: Who are wewe talking to
Yuka: Oh, hello Kouta slash upendo interest
Kouta: Aren’t wewe my cousin
Yuka: WHO CARES!? THIS IS ANIME! WE CAN GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING!!!
Kouta: Never thought of it that way
Yuka: Now, come on, lets go watch the ocean
Kouta: Why
Yuka: STORY REASONS!
Kouta: Never thought of it that way
(Later)
Yuka: There, we sped up all that filler nonsense
Kouta: It really wasn’t filler
Yuka: If it takes zaidi than three sekunde to songesha the story along, its filler to me
Kouta: Oh never mind
Yuka: Damn ri- Oh my god, what is that (Sees Lucy)
Kouta: A girl with pink hair. How original
Yuka: Why is she naked
Kouta: Probably from the nudist colony in the other town
Nyuu: (Looks) (Runs) (Falls and trips)
Yuka: Ha, she fell. It’s funny to me
Kouta: Is she okay
Yuka: I don’t know. I think she’s retarded
Kouta: WHOA, YUKA
Yuka: What
Kouta: wewe can’t just say that
Yuka: I don’t mean in an offensive way. I think she is actually mentally retarded. I mean, why would I insult her like that. That would just be retarded
Kouta: So, should we take her home
Yuka: Are wewe joking. What if she is some sort of psychopath. I refuse to-
(Later)
(Kouta and Yuka bring Nyuu home)
Yuka: How did I let wewe talk me into this
Kouta: I don’t know, but it can’t be that bad right
Nyuu: (Urinates on floor)
Yuka: Can’t be that bad, huh
Kouta: Shut it
Kurama: (See’s blood everywhere) My god
Scientist: Sir, there is only two reasons why she would do this
Kurama: What is it
Scientist: Well, one reason is that something in her mind must have caused her to go on a rampage so destructive, it could cause any form of damage
Kurama: And what’s the other one
Scientist: It’s much worse. We also believe that Lucy is……… ON HER PERIOD
Kurama: And it took a scientist to figure that out
Scientist: ……………. Yes
Bando: (Shoots targets)
Observer: Ah, here he is. Bando. Or, as he is most known as, the Asshole
Bando: Hey, when can I kill someone who is actually breathing
Observer: Well, yes, wewe can fight her-
Bando: And I get to kill her
Observer: Well, its best wewe bring her ali-
Bando: I can kill her right
Observer: It’s better if she is al-
Bando: Is that a yes au a no
Observer: (Sigh) Yes, wewe can kill her
Bando: I’ll do it
Girl: Oh, hello
Bando: BANDO! PUNCH! (Punches girl) Ha, hitting defenseless girls is fun (Laughs) Oh, god, I’m an asshole
Observer: He’s perfect
Man: Really
Observer: Fuck no, he’s an asshole. But, he’s all we got
Kouta: Okay, so maybe it would be a good idea to get Nyuu somewhere else
Yuka: Okay… kwa the way, she’s looking through your stuff
Kouta: (See’s Nyuu looking through backpack) (Nyuu drops blue box) Oh, be careful. This is a seashell left to me kwa my sister. It means a lot to me, so be very careful, okay
Nyuu: (Breaks seashell in half)
Kouta: ……………………………… I’M GOING TO FUCKING MURDER YOU!!!
Nyuu: (Runs off in fear)
Yuka: What if she did it because she didn’t want wewe to be sad
Kouta: That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard in my- Oh, that actually makes sense
Yuka: Well, I’ll go look for her
Kouta: Wait, I’ll help
Yuka: no, wewe will wait here until the sekunde episode
Kouta: Okay (Sits down)
Bando: So, guys, if wewe were to rate me on how much of an asshole I was, what would it be
Soldier: A hundred
Bando: Ha ha ha… not even close (Points gun at solider)
Soldier: Ah, what are wewe doing
Bando: Don’t worry, it’s not loaded. Watch (Clicks gun)
Soldier: Stop it
Bando: (Clicks gun)
Soldier: Stop It
Bando: (Clicks gun)
Soldier: STOP-
Bando: (Fires gun and kills soldier) Oh, shit…….. Um…… Okay, he killed himself due to the pressure of the mission. Thats the story
Other Soldier: Wait, handguns don’t work like th- (Bando shoots soldier)
Bando: He killed himself too
Kauto: (Sits) …………………… Well, its the sekunde episode. Time to go look for her (Gets up and leaves) (Gets stopped kwa detectives)
Detective 1: Excuse me, have wewe seen a girl with pink hair
Kauto: ………… Could wewe be zaidi specific. I see so much pink haired girls
Detective 2: Damn, he’s right. This is anime after all. Okay, sorry for wasting your time (Detectives walk off)
Nyuu: (Digs in sand)
Kauto: There wewe are
Nyuu: Nyuu?
Kauto: Oh, I’ll murder wewe later. Lets get go- (Gets hit with rifle)
Bando: Ha ha ha, oh I upendo beating up kids…….. Actually, I’ll kill the girl in a second. I just need to wait for something
Soldier: Like what
Kauto: Oh, my head
Bando: (Hits Kauto with rifle) OH, goddamn, that’s funny
Soldier: Can we just continue with the mission
Bando: Oh, okay….. Just a sec
Kauto: Oh, god, I think my nose is bro-
Bando: (Hit’s Kauto with rifle) OH, SWEET JESUS, THAT’S FUNNY!!! Okay, lets kill her
Soldier: I don’t know, should we
Bando: Come on, what’s the worst that could happen. She’ll rip wewe to pieces (Lucy rips soldier apart) …….. Oh, fuck me
Lucy: (Knocks Bando down) (Rips Bando’s arm off) Got wewe arm
Bando: AHHHHH!!!! I mean, wewe think I’m scared of you. It doesn’t even hu- (Lucy brakes Bando’s arm) AHHHHH!!! Okay, I take it back. It hurts so badly. So, here’s what I think. I will apologize, and we’ll forget this ever happened. Okay
Lucy: Sure
Bando: Really
Lucy: Yeah……….. First, I’m going to take your eyes
Bando: Wait what (Rips out Bando’s eyes) OH MY GOD
(Few days later)
Bando: (Sigh) I Lost my arm, my eyes, and, for some reason, my testicles. I don’t think it can get worse…… Oh, well, I’ll just beat up an even younger kid
Mayu: What (Bando punches Mayu)
(I ran out of jokes for the rest of this…… So settle for this)
Bando: (Hit’s Mayu multiple times)
(God that’s funny……. kwa the way, don’t beat up children)
