CHAPTER 4: Confessions

I escaped to my soul room.
“What am I doing!” I yelled at the wall. Of coarse I got no answer, and I punched it out of frustration. I growled and gripped the sides of my head, thinking somehow I can hold the anger in.
I knew what could happen if I let my temper have its way. I had to get a hold of myself. So I gave in with poor grace; I took a deep breath and sat down on the bed. Calm down, I told myself. I leaned my head onto my hands and rubbed my temples, trying to clear it. The walls of my room shifted to a darker shade of white.
Okay, I know. I have to face the facts.
I found myself getting too close to Ryo. Way too close. Time and time again, I let my guard down. No- I force it down. I know what I'm doing when I'm talking to him, but I can't keep myself from acting. . . any different than a friend of his.
Bother.
The word popped into my head without permission. I buried my face in the palms of my hands with a chuckle. Brother indeed.
“Riiight,” I alisema sarcastically.
Something is keeping me from using my power and doing what I did last time; keeping me from completely overpowering the kid and doing whatever I want with him.
I try to keep my distance; to be rude, mean, and indifferent to him. But I kept talking with him and socializing with him.
I doubt I'll get so close to him that he'll change my mind about my plans though. I can't let him get to me that way. It's not even an option.
But he is getting to me.
I know what the problem is. I know why I can't act the way I try to. It's because. . . can't bring myself to hurt au burden Ryo. It's because even though I really don't like him, I can't act like I don't.
He's really not that bad I guess. He knows when I want to be left alone, at least. And he's understanding enough. Trusting even.
No. I have to stop right there. That's too far already. He's demanding, he's nosy, and he's intuitive is what he is. He just wants me to be “a better person”. I've tapped into his mind; I know what the real deal is. He doesn't care about anything else.
I stood up with a sigh. I remember the times Ryo wanted me gone. I remember the times I read his thoughts and heard the hatred in them. Ever since the fist siku I took over his body.
I half-smiled, in spite of myself. I wouldn't do anything different though. The choices I made then are the choices I can deal with now. I knew my plans wouldn't be easy, so I knew I couldn't afford to worry about relations with anybody. Not my disciples, not my vessel, not even Snefru. Though I would have to be careful about Snefru.
I took off my shati and shoes. I may be able to sleep, but I can pretend to.