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posted by dreamer369
The Chick Code

makala 1: Chicks before dicks. The bond between two women is stronger than the bond between a man and a woman because, on average, women are zaidi willing and able to commit than men. Unfortunate for our upendo lives, but true.

makala 2: A Chick is always entitled to do something wild, as long as the rest of her Side-Chicks* are all doing it. For example: partaking in "WOOO!"-ing.

makala 3: A Chick never divulges the existence of the Chick Code to a man. It is a sacred document not to be shared with guys for any reason...no, not even that reason. (Note: if wewe a man kusoma this, first, let me apologize: it was never my intention for this book to contain so many big words. Second, I urge wewe to look at this document for what it is – a piece of fiction meant to entertain a broad audience through the prism of stereotypical gender differences. I mean, sometimes it really is like we're from different planets! Clearly, no real person would actually believe au adhere to the vulgar rules contained within.** Oh, and have wewe been working out?)

makala 4: A Chick shall not stare inappropriately if she and other Chicks must get naked in front of one another in a locker room, etc. wewe may gossip, joke around, and many other fun activities but never should wewe stare at another Chick's breasts, "No-No Square", and/or bum.

makala 5: A Chick never admits that she's PMSing to a guy, not even when she is PMSing.

makala 6: Should a Chick be critically injured, her Side-Chicks are to never make jokes about it, unless the hurt Chick does first.

makala 7: A Chick will drop whatever she's doing and rush to help her Side-Chick when and if she gets dumped. Things required to ensure maximum comfort for your dumped Side-Chick: a shoulder to cry on, arms to hug, things to break, tissues, chocolate, alcohol, chick flicks, angry chick music, popcorn, mani/pedi kit, facial kit, and words aimed to describe what a douche what's-his-face was.

makala 8: A Chick always asks for a guy's help when moving. For zaidi effective results (aka getting a reluctant guy friend to songesha your massive kitanda and California king) siagi him up about how strong and able and manly he is. For even zaidi effective results, it is acceptable to slut it up a little au "unintentionally" onyesha off your assets while buttering him up. Pouting and begging in a sexual manner are also acceptable in this situation.

makala 9: On chajio, chakula cha jioni dates, do not eat like a pig, but do not be peck-ish either. When kitindamlo rolls around, and you're hoping for an "active" night, nonchalantly licking something off your finger(s) au the underside of your utensil works most effectively.

makala 10: A Chick must always help her fellow Chicks stay away from known au rumored creeps.

makala 11: A Chick shall always help a Side-Chick get a guy. Exception: your Side-Chick is pursuing a taken guy (in a relationship, engaged, au married).

makala 12: If a guy should inquire about another Chick's sexual history, a Chick shall lie and say that she doesn't know so that the Chick questioned about looks not like a whore nor a prude.

makala 13: A Chick never dances stupidly nor too slutty. Exception: when a Chick is drunk au under the pretense of being drunk.

makala 14: A Chick should be able, at any time, to recite the following: winner of American Idoland Project Runway; who's on the cover of Vanity Fair and Vogue; who the new "It" couple is; who the juu celebrity couples are; what the latest celebrity scandals are.

makala 15: A Chick shall be kind and courteous to her co-workers, unless they are beneath her on the Pyramid of Screaming***, are total jerk wads, completely incompetent, and/or inappropriate (yes, that kind of inappropriate).

makala 16: A Chick shall not sleep with another Chick's brother (unless genuinely deemed okay with the Chick who has the brother). However, a Chick shall not let it bother her in any way if another Chick says, "OMG you're brother is, like, so hot!" Should a Chick's brother be interested in the Chick's friend, it is not acceptable for them to get together unless genuinely deemed okay kwa the Chick with the brother.

makala 17: A Chick respects Chicks in the military because they've selflessly chosen to defend the nation, but zaidi the point, because they can totally kick your punda when wewe maoni on how camouflage print doesn't look good on them au their tragic haircut.

makala 18: A Chick may share her observations about another Chick's smoking hot boyfriend, but in no way must she say anything further to ensure that the Chick with the hot BF doesn't think that the observing Chick will attempt to steal the BF in any way, shape, au form.

makala 19: Homosexual men are completely acceptable as Side-Chicks. Sometimes even better. For example, less of your Gucci's will "go missing". Unless your homosexual guy-friend cross-dresses, which is also completely acceptable.

makala 20: There is no law that prohibits a straight man from being a Side-Chick au "one of the girls". He can make a wonderful wingman or, if all else fails, a backup boyfriend/hubby.

makala 21: A Chick shall not sleep with another Chick's ex, unless the Chick whose ex it is does.

makala 22: If two Chicks get into a fight, they shall make catty remarks and pretend to ignore each other, rather than stripping down and wrestling it out. (See makala 38 for a description of the rules should the strip-n-wrestle situation occur).

makala 23: If two Chicks are wearing the same outfit, each retains the right to "accidentally" spill a drink on the other.

makala 24: A Chick doesn't let another Chick get a "tramp stamp."

makala 25: A Chick never removes her clothing in public, unless at a pool, beach, au (sometimes) a concert.

makala 26: A Chick will, in a timely manner, alert her Side-Chicks to the existence of a sale/clearance.

makala 27: If two Chicks decide to catch a movie together, they shall mgawanyiko, baidisha a tub of popcorn to save money. However, the act of sharing a drink must be decided betwixt the Chicks due to personal levels of awkwardness and/or germaphobia.

makala 28: A Chick comparison shops.

makala 29: When on the prowl, a Chick hits the most decent seeming guy first in hopes of catching a good one.

makala 30: When in a public restroom, a Chick (1) does not look in between the crack in stall doors; (2) waits until the restroom is completely empty before streaking to the inayofuata stall when wewe find that the stall wewe chose has no toilet paper (this also applies for when she needs to sprint to the tampon dispenser); (3) taps foot impatiently and huffs a bit when there is a wait; (4) always uses soap.

makala 32: When the situation arises where a Chick spies another Chick with fake breasts while with her BF, then maoni on it, a Chick always has the right to read between the lines at the BF's reaction maoni (aka catching him staring at her breasts – but at least give him a few brownie points if he decries the silicon masses).

makala 33: A Chick always reserves the right to get miffed if her male companion does not exhibit gentlemanly conduct (i.e. not opening the door for her, not pulling out her chair for her to sit down, not offering to pay, etc.)

makala 34: Even in a fight to the death, a Chick never assaults, au attempts to assault, another Chick's breasts, bum, au "No-No Square." Scratching (this includes eye-gauging) is not suggested, on account of the usually long and sometimes sharp nails of our gender. Hair pulling, unfortunately, is both acceptable and encouraged.

makala 35: When a Chick exchanges information with a guy, she is allowed to contact him twice before she must honor the weird "wait three days" ritual guys do.

makala 36: Should a Chick be engaged to be married, her Side-Chicks are obligated to help the betrothed out in any way the bride-to-be deems possible. (They shall also throw her a kick punda bachelorette party).

makala 37: A Chick is always allowed to cry (and if she can cry on cue, all the better).

makala 38: Upon greeting another Chick, a Chick may engage in a hug, cheek kiss(es), high five, hand shake, fist bump, Bro hug, jumping up and down, booty bump, au light punda smack, but not a kiss on the lips nor grope/caress in any way. Exception: lesbians/bisexuals.

makala 39: A Chick loves her country, especially if it's in Europe.

makala 40: A Chick may never take off au songesha around her swim bottoms while applying sunscreen, though untying the back of her juu is acceptable.

makala 41: A Chick does not go to a strip club as a general rule, though it is not prohibited.

makala 42: If a Chick is seated inayofuata to another Chick who's stuck in the middle kiti, kiti cha on an aircraft, she shall yield her all their shared armrests, unless the girl has (a) been talking absolutely nonstop; (b) is snoring; (c) makes the Chick get up zaidi than once to use the lavatory.

makala 43: A Chick always, when the opportunity arises, participates in a drinking game (i.e. "I Never"/"Never Have I Ever", etc.) au risky party game (i.e. Truth au Dare, Seven dakika in Heaven, Would wewe Rather, Spin the Bottle, etc).

makala 44: When asked, "Do wewe need some help?" kwa a super hot guy, a Chick always majibu yes, whether au not she's really got it.

makala 45: If a Chick should accidentally boob au butt brush another Chick both shall continue on like nothing had happened. If a Chick should boob au butt brush a guy on accident she shall act like nothing happened and try not to blush (unless it was on purpose, in which then she may act however sexually alluring she feels is appropriate).

makala 46: A Chick checks out another Chick's blind tarehe and reports back, though the Chick going on the blind tarehe is obligated to still go on the tarehe and give the guy a chance even if the ripoti is bad.

makala 47: A Chick is required to remember birthdays and anniversaries.

makala 48: Even in a drought, a Chick always washes her hands after every potty break, and washes her face every morning and night. We are ladies, and ladies are hygienic.

makala 49: A Chick is required to go out with her mother on Mother's Day, and her Side-Chicks on Halloween, New Year's Eve, Boxing Day, Black Friday, and Desperation siku (February 13th).

makala 50: A Chick is always allowed to borrow clothes from another Chick, unless alisema clothes are unwashed, frumpy, obsolete, ugly, and/or extremely special to the owning Chick.

makala 51: A Chick is required to alert another Chick if the Dude/Chick Ratio at a party falls below 1:1 in favor of the Chicks. However, so not to create Chicklandia****, a Chick may only alert three Side-Chicks.

makala 52: A Chick always reveals the score of a sporting event to a guy, if she can remember it.

makala 53: A Chick always shaves/waxes her legs, armpits, eyebrows (if need be), and "down there." Exception: butch lesbians, Chicks too uncomfortable au sensitive, au Chicks who are making a statement kwa not doing it.

makala 54: A Chick always brings a jailed Chick the necessities ("necessities" may vary in definition for each individual, so be sure to know what the jailed Chick would appreciate).

makala 55: A Chick will always be respectful to others' parents, even if they're driving her insane.

makala 56: A Chick will always alert the significant other of her Side-Chick to an upcoming anniversary, birthday, au other important events. This is to protect the feelings of her Side-Chick, because wewe knowthat the significant other had forgotten.

makala 57: In the event that two Chicks lock on to the same target, they may be somewhat petty towards the opposing chick and somewhat slutty to the target. It is important that the target be aware that there is competition for his affection, but not find out just how vicious and important the situation is. Should it happen that the target choose neither Chick, they reserve the right to blame each other and call each other bad names under their breath.

makala 58: A Chick will be completely supportive of all decisions of her Side-Chick in the event of pregnancy. (This includes the touchy subject of abortion, but even then a Chick must respect any and all decisions made kwa the pregnant Chick).

makala 59: In the case of a road trip, the Chick that suggested the road trip must pay for the gas and lodging. Bad things, like car sickness au post-Taco kengele potty breaks, willbe blamed on the Chick who suggested the road trip, therefore she must be responsible for both the aforementioned expenses.

makala 60: A Chick can order any type of alcoholic drink she wants. Because, unlike men, we can have both fruity drinks with umbrellas andcheap beer.

makala 61: A Chick shall always participate in karaoke when the even arises, and, if she can't carry a tune, reserves the right to pretend to be drunk au get drunk.

makala 62: Should wewe know for a fact that your Side-Chick's significant other is cheating on her, then she must tell her Side-Chick, even though it'll hurt her. Getting evidence first also helps.

makala 63: A Chick will drive another Chick to the airport and, if she's available, also pick her up – both of which on time and/or early. She is expected to inquire how her trip was and her general wellbeing, and offer to help her with her luggage

makala 64: Chicks are strongest in three's and four's. Can't explain it, but so true

makala 65: A Chick always spell-checks.

makala 66: When a group of Chicks are in a restaurant, each shall pay for what they ate. (This is because it eliminates the time-wasting "bill jockeying" and it is very fair

makala 67: Yellow stoplights are an option – either slow down and accept the red light, au speed up and get across while wewe can.

makala 68: A Chick must never ever get her vagina pierced.

makala 69: Duh.

makala 70: A Chick can always be honest to a guy about their occupation (because she knows that he'll imagine it as a sexual role play no matter what it is).

makala 71: A Chick reserves the right to be a bit miffed should her BF act differently toward her around his Bros, but will only confront him when the Bros have all gone away. Because Chicks are courteous.

makala 72: Chicks may always snuggle, cuddle, and spoon.

makala 73: A Chick shall never Cock Block***** her Side-Chick(s). Exception: he's a known au rumored creep, au it's known that he's taken.

makala 74: At a wedding, a Chick shall be excited about the bouquet catch, even if she isn't, for the sake of the bride.

makala 75: Chicks are not dolls, toys, au experiments. Hazing is absolutely unacceptable.

makala 76: A Chick always puts the toilet kiti, kiti cha back down – we are ladies.

makala 77: If two Chicks get into a heated argument over something and one says something out of line, she is expected to take it back, apologize, and make amends. Otherwise the offended Chick reserves the right to never speak to the out-of-line-Chick again.

makala 78: Though it is not strictly prohibited, mixing it up romantically with a coworker is not suggested. (Seeing each other all the time at work after a break up? Awkward...)

ARCTICLE 79: If a Chick buys a new car, she is required to accessorize it immediately.

makala 81: A Chick shall accessorize. Period. Nuff said. makala 69.

makala 82: A Chick never maswali another Chick's stated amount of shoes, calories she's eaten that day, au how many times she's dyed her hair.

makala 83: If a Chick, for whatever reason, must drive another Chick's car, she may adjust the mirrors and kiti, kiti cha position, but put it back to the way it was before giving it back. A Chick must not let anything impair her driving.

makala 84: A Chick does not work in the kitchen, nor does she make/bring her man a sandwich. Exception: she's a chef.

makala 85: A Chick always brings over a bottle of wine when invited to an event at someone's house. Exception: under the age of 21 (USA).

makala 86: A Chick must not, under any circumstances, become like her mother.

makala 87: Chicks shall swear off men at least once a year, for the sake of feminism, au because of douche bags.

makala 88: Chick will call her BF "cute" au "adorable" once in front of his Bros just for fun, then promise never to do it again…when he's around. ;)

makala 89: Asking for directions, maps, GPS... it doesn't matter, okay? Do whatever will help wewe get to your destination.

makala 90: When pulling up to a stoplight, a Chick may text (etc.), regardless of whether au not her state has made that illegal.

makala 91: If a Chick asks another Chick to keep a secret, she shall take it to her grave and beyond. Yes, this will be very difficult since the human race is a very social species and she might feel the exploding need to spill the beans au gossip, but she shan't because Marafiki are zaidi important than having the latest scoop. Exception: if she au anyone else is in danger.

makala 92: A Chick shall take great care in selecting her outfit for any occasion.

makala 93: A Chick never wears krisimasi colors (red and green) when it's not krisimasi time. Same goes for Halloween colors (orange and black), and Independence siku colors (red, white, and blue).

makala 94: The father and/or stepfather of a Chick is always off-limits.

makala 95: If a Chick is not invited to another Chick's wedding, she doesn't make a huge deal out of it, even if, let's face it, she was kind of responsible for setting up the couple and had already picked out the perfect wedding gift and everything. It's cool. No biggie. (Talking discreetly behind the bride's back may work, if she truly feels the need to make a semi-big deal out of it).

makala 96: A Chick never lets another Chick look like trash. Exception: the other Chick is a frenemy/enemy.

makala 97: If a Chick forgets another Chick's name, somehow devise a plan to learn her name without actually asking her.

makala 98: When Chicks attend a sporting event and see themselves on the JumboTron, they shall wave, point, blow kisses, and/or hide her face.

makala 99: If a guy orders a Chick a drink, the Chick shall use gestures to thank him for the drink, then ask the bar tender if he knows if the drink-sender is a decent guy.

makala 100: If a Chick discovers another Chick has forgotten to sign out of her email, the Chick shall respectfully sign out for her without peeking at anything.

makala 101: Should a Girl Power song come on, a Chick is expected, at the very least, to shriek about how much she loves that song.

makala 102: Should a Chick need to bunk at another Chick's house for an extended period of time, she is expected to help pay for food, toiletries, and any delivered movie-rentals.

makala 103: If a Chick finds a "clothing optional" beach, and it's not in Europe, then it is not suggested that she attend.

makala 104: A Chick never willingly relinquishes possession of her cell phone. Should another Chick snatch it from her, then the offended Chick reserves the right to be very angry and possibly mildly harm the theiving Chick in order to retrieve her cell phone.

makala 105: A Chick must, at the very least, attempt not to drink in front of a recovering alcoholic.

makala 106: Chicks must always wear sunscreen.

makala 107: If a Chick owns a convertible, she is required to, during warm days/months/seasons, have the juu off, let her hair loose, and wear sunglasses.

makala 108: A Chick reserves the right to be hyper.

makala 109: A Chick lets guys win half the time. (Enough so that he doesn't get bitter, enough so that she'll still feel good about herself).

makala 110: When driving with a friend following, a Chick always makes sure that she is in sight of the friend.

makala 111: A Chick shall always help another Chick reconstruct the events from the awali night.

makala 112: If a Chick lends another Chick a DVD, makala of clothing, CD, au anything else, she shall expect to get it back and will hold it against the borrowing Chick in the occurrence of an argument.

ARTIVLE 113: A Chick shall not hitchhike anywhere ever.

makala 114: Chicks do not fart.

makala 115: When hosting, a Chick makes sure that her BF hasn't messed with anything. If he has, then she must fix it immediately.

makala 116: Getting kneed in the crotch hurts Chicks, too.

makala 117: A Chick reserves the right to simply walk away after the first five dakika of a date. This is the "Lemon Law" and wewe can find cut outs of it in the fabled "Bro Code" (see makala 118).

makala 118: Yes, it's true – guys really do have their own Code, much like this document. But it is full of sexist text, and obviously the mwandishi was thinking from his crotch and not his brain. As a Chick, it is our vagina-given right to frown upon The Bro Codeand those who actually live kwa it. [A/N: I'm sorry, I just couldn't help myself and cracked up all over the place as I wrote this. It, of course, is a lie – theBro Codeis hilarious and awesome, and Barney Stinsen is the King.]

makala 119: A Chick must get a mani/pedi/facial/massage about every two months to ensure a happy and healthy body.

makala 120: A Chick shall seek no revenge if she passes out around her Side-Chicks and wakes up to find that they've pulled numerous pranks on her sleeping form (i.e. marker all over her face, the hot water trick, the shaving cream trick, etc).

makala 121: Chicks care about the environment.

makala 122: Chicks care about animals. (And not in the "I wonder which one is 'in' right now" way, but in the very humane, loving, and non-clothes way).

makala 123: A Chick never sleeps nude while bunings with someone else. Exception: sex with the one(s) you're bunking with.

makala 124: If a Chick sees one of her Side-Chicks get into a fight, she attempts to rip the fighters away from each other.

makala 125: Chicks are smarter than guys. It's a scientific fact.
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wewe all remember this, I'm sure :D
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Barney: Stop pining over Marshall and Lily! Have some self respect. Now put this fiver in your mouth so that stripper with the lazy eye can vacuum it up with...
Ted: Barney! I'm allowed to miss them alright? They're my two best friends.
Barney: I'm your two best friends!

Barney: Ted, when they serve alcohol at a strip club, you're not allowed to onyesha your vagina.

Barney: Yes! Tonight is gonna be Legen... wait are we sure it's a good idea to go to a strip club? Shut Up Lily I'm in charge now... Dary!

Barney: So you're pregnant? Huh, looks like nobody told your boobs.

Barney: I want American Scotch from Scotland!

Barney: Hashtag burn, hashtag your tie is still dumb, hash, reli tag refill!
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