AGE: 16

MOTTO: Everybody dances to their own boom boom.

ABOUT ME: I'm Effy. It's a shit name but it's short for Elizabeth which is even worse. I live with my Mum and Dad. My brother used to live here too but now he's gone. On the siku he left he gave me his duvet cover, half a bottle of peach, pichi Schnapps, and his bedroom. Well, he doesn't need it any zaidi does he? So now it's my kingdom. I drank the Schnapps and gave the duvet to Oxfam.

These are the four most interesting things about me:

1) I can pick stuff up with my toes. Like, not just socks and crap like that but big things. Ketchup bottles. Ashtrays. Ipods. It's a less useful skill than you’d think.

2) My Dad was so angry when I got expelled from the shit school I used to go to that he literally started farting in rage. Gross.

3) I'm distantly related to a 17th century French aristocrat called Cecile DeLacroix. She was beheaded during the French Revolution. Her eyes carried on blinking for 14 sekunde after her head was severed from her neck and her lover had her teeth sewn into his pillow.

4) My favourite smell is petrol.

If wewe want to know any zaidi send a stamped addressed envelope and ten pounds to my address

FAVOURITE BAND: No.

T.V SHOWS: TV rots your brain and makes wewe infertile. True story.

FILM STARS: I don't have favourite film stars. Everyone gets old and shit in the end. My favourite film character is the tembo Man. He's hot.

DREAM DATE: Refer to last question.