This one just had to be written down. I'm sorry if it's to long but I couldn't make it shorter. This is a real story and everyone that knows me and what was happening in the last two-three weeks will understand it. Thanks for reading!
I’ve just put on a black pair of trousers; I tafuta through my bag and finally find my blouse. It’s white and pervaded with golden threads. It’s just like it should be. Others have only white blouses, mine is sticking out. It has to be like that. I am the first violin in this orchestra. I am the lead. I am the one who has to guide all the others. I am in charge. All this is starting to bug me and I’m starting to feel anxious. I am also the one who’ll be blamed for everything. If I screw up, everybody else will screw up. If everybody else screw up and I don’t, it will look like I screwed up. If I miss a tone everybody will know. If I bow differently everybody will know. If I do anything like I shouldn’t everybody will know. Anxiety is rising with every second.
I’ve put my blouse on. Why don’t I feel ok? I remember my head hurt earlier this day. I also remember drinking coffee and taking meds to brush the pain off. Seems like it haven’t helped. My violin is already ready and in its place. Notes are folded and in their place too. Everything is how it should be, why don’t I feel like that?
I’m starting to feel like being suffocated. Everything is suddenly starting to spin. I try to make the room go round but I can’t. I try again and succeed. Just then I realize my friend, who plays the flute, is standing in front of me, holding my shoulders and calling my name.
“Sylvia? Are wewe ok?” I shake my head and I hear her say something about bathroom.
I don’t know what’s going on, but another friend joins and now they are walking me down to it. I didn’t even realize I was there; they already started putting a wet towel around my neck. It feels so good and I’m starting to get better. I tell them I’m ok and leave the bathroom. Between the room where we were before, the room where we are still getting ready for our performance, and the bathroom there are mirrors. Mirrors everywhere. I pass kwa them and I catch a glimpse of myself in one of them. I realize how pale I look. I brush the thought of rising headache and look at the mirror one zaidi time to realize my blouse has a hole in it. It’s a minor one but it’s still there.
I’m getting even zaidi anxious. Another friend stop kwa me and I ask him does he see the hole. He nods at my swali and I run my hand through my hair in desperation.
Why is suddenly everything going wrong?
The conductor calls us all in the waiting room and we all get there fast. I catch a sight of my friend Emma browsing through my notes. I quickly stand at the end of our forming line. I walk in the hall last. I. Nobody else but me. I have done this so many times. Why do I feel so… so anxious? The conductor says we’re performing and should be getting out on the stage. I realize I haven’t eaten anything for 6 hours. My stomach churns.
The lights are bright. I can’t see the audience but I can hear applause. I sit down and unfold my notes. Every other member of orchestra does the same. Every one of them. All thirty of them. I look at my notes and find the first piece we’re going to play. I browse through my notes and realize I’m missing one page. My stomach churns again and my hands start shaking. I look at Christina; she’s sitting inayofuata to me. I whisper “I’m missing a page” to her and she tells me I can look with her and Emma. They are sharing notes. I am separated from them, because I’m the first violin. I wish I wasn’t. My hands are still trembling. I nod at her response. ‘Everything will be ok’ I tell myself quietly, but somehow it doesn’t sound reassuring.
The conductor is on the stage now and everybody is clapping again.
He swings with his stick and we start playing. muziki overflows my mind and I’m thinking bout nothing else.
I know my facial expressions change with every note I play. My fingers run across the strings. Up and down, switching positions from first to sixth. The common melody is leaving my violin box filling the hall with sounds familiar only to conductor, other members and me. I can feel the music. I am so focused on the notes but still listening to everything that’s going on around me. Soon the first piece is over. I’m proud with the outcome. I know we could have done better and it bugs me a little.
I switch my notes to meet a inayofuata piece. The piece I’m missing a page for. I feel a little bit uneasy but I find a way to collect myself. We start playing and everything is going smoothly. I hear some incorrect tones coming from behind me and I try to brush them off.
I am closely coming to the page I’m missing. I’m there now and I have to change my sitting position in order to look at Christina and Emma’s notes. I do well. I relax for a moment and just then I realize Christina and Emma have bowed the wrong way and now I’m the one with incorrect bow. I find a way to correct that and now I’m starting to feel anxious again. I can feel my moyo racing.
The piece is done with and I whisper harshly to Chris and Emma. “Why did wewe do that, it’s not how we practiced! I’m gonna deal with wewe later”
They look at me weirdly and I realize I’ve been too harsh.
We ended our performance, I stood up first and I’m now going back to the room we were before. I am trembling. The pulsing vain on my forehead is reminding me of the pain my head is causing.
I get to my violin case. It’s on the floor and I have to get on my knees in order to put the violin in it. Everyone else is joining me in the room. Christina is two feet away from me and I ask her why did she and Emma change bows.
“We changed bows but it looked like wewe made a mistake. I don’t care! wewe should have known better!” she snaps at me and my moyo starts racing again.
Suddenly I can’t feel my legs. I call Christina’s name but I only get ‘wait’. I call again and I hear ‘ok, I’m coming’.
She gets to me really slowly as if she was afraid of me yelling at her. I whisper to her “Hold me” and she does. I fall in her arms and I can’t get up. She asks me if I’m ok but I can’t respond. I am breathing so fast I can’t say a word. Suddenly everybody is starting to rush to see what’s wrong. I feel arms going under mine and I see Milo carrying me outside. The conductor joins him.
Now I’m sitting on the stairs outside the hall and my head is spinning again. Someone hands me a glass of water and I hear that someone telling me it’s with sugar. I look at them weirdly and realize I can’t hold the glass cause my hand is shaking. They help me drink the fluid and I can see all my Marafiki surrounding me. The conductor tells them to back of and that I need air. I hear him asking me if he should call a doctor. I don’t know if it’s right choice but my hands start shaking again and I nod.
Soon I’m back in the familiar room and I’m getting a glucose shot and they are telling me I’m going to be started on IV fluids.
I can feel tears filling my eyes and in sekunde one tear is running down my cheek. I breathe in heavily and the conductor tells me it’s going to be fine.
Another tear falls and the melody I played not so long zamani starts playing in my head.
Tears are flowing down my face and it’s like they keeping up with the melody. I can feel my whole body reacting to the rhythm of melody that’s playing over and over again in my head.
Emma comes to me and says she’s sorry. I look at her with my wet eyes, confused.
I replaced your notes when I was browsing through them before the performance.
I look at her one zaidi time and start crying again. Everybody leaves the room except the conductor. He has to talk with me.
They take away the needle that was pierced in my vain and I feel uneasy.
I have no idea that I will have a reminder of this night for the rest of this week au more. I have no idea a bruise is going to form where the needle has been.
I have no idea.
And I cry in the rhythm of the melody again.
Ok, first I wanna thank wewe for being patient enough to read it all.
I upendo wewe all my Marafiki :)))))
Reviews=♥
I’ve just put on a black pair of trousers; I tafuta through my bag and finally find my blouse. It’s white and pervaded with golden threads. It’s just like it should be. Others have only white blouses, mine is sticking out. It has to be like that. I am the first violin in this orchestra. I am the lead. I am the one who has to guide all the others. I am in charge. All this is starting to bug me and I’m starting to feel anxious. I am also the one who’ll be blamed for everything. If I screw up, everybody else will screw up. If everybody else screw up and I don’t, it will look like I screwed up. If I miss a tone everybody will know. If I bow differently everybody will know. If I do anything like I shouldn’t everybody will know. Anxiety is rising with every second.
I’ve put my blouse on. Why don’t I feel ok? I remember my head hurt earlier this day. I also remember drinking coffee and taking meds to brush the pain off. Seems like it haven’t helped. My violin is already ready and in its place. Notes are folded and in their place too. Everything is how it should be, why don’t I feel like that?
I’m starting to feel like being suffocated. Everything is suddenly starting to spin. I try to make the room go round but I can’t. I try again and succeed. Just then I realize my friend, who plays the flute, is standing in front of me, holding my shoulders and calling my name.
“Sylvia? Are wewe ok?” I shake my head and I hear her say something about bathroom.
I don’t know what’s going on, but another friend joins and now they are walking me down to it. I didn’t even realize I was there; they already started putting a wet towel around my neck. It feels so good and I’m starting to get better. I tell them I’m ok and leave the bathroom. Between the room where we were before, the room where we are still getting ready for our performance, and the bathroom there are mirrors. Mirrors everywhere. I pass kwa them and I catch a glimpse of myself in one of them. I realize how pale I look. I brush the thought of rising headache and look at the mirror one zaidi time to realize my blouse has a hole in it. It’s a minor one but it’s still there.
I’m getting even zaidi anxious. Another friend stop kwa me and I ask him does he see the hole. He nods at my swali and I run my hand through my hair in desperation.
Why is suddenly everything going wrong?
The conductor calls us all in the waiting room and we all get there fast. I catch a sight of my friend Emma browsing through my notes. I quickly stand at the end of our forming line. I walk in the hall last. I. Nobody else but me. I have done this so many times. Why do I feel so… so anxious? The conductor says we’re performing and should be getting out on the stage. I realize I haven’t eaten anything for 6 hours. My stomach churns.
The lights are bright. I can’t see the audience but I can hear applause. I sit down and unfold my notes. Every other member of orchestra does the same. Every one of them. All thirty of them. I look at my notes and find the first piece we’re going to play. I browse through my notes and realize I’m missing one page. My stomach churns again and my hands start shaking. I look at Christina; she’s sitting inayofuata to me. I whisper “I’m missing a page” to her and she tells me I can look with her and Emma. They are sharing notes. I am separated from them, because I’m the first violin. I wish I wasn’t. My hands are still trembling. I nod at her response. ‘Everything will be ok’ I tell myself quietly, but somehow it doesn’t sound reassuring.
The conductor is on the stage now and everybody is clapping again.
He swings with his stick and we start playing. muziki overflows my mind and I’m thinking bout nothing else.
I know my facial expressions change with every note I play. My fingers run across the strings. Up and down, switching positions from first to sixth. The common melody is leaving my violin box filling the hall with sounds familiar only to conductor, other members and me. I can feel the music. I am so focused on the notes but still listening to everything that’s going on around me. Soon the first piece is over. I’m proud with the outcome. I know we could have done better and it bugs me a little.
I switch my notes to meet a inayofuata piece. The piece I’m missing a page for. I feel a little bit uneasy but I find a way to collect myself. We start playing and everything is going smoothly. I hear some incorrect tones coming from behind me and I try to brush them off.
I am closely coming to the page I’m missing. I’m there now and I have to change my sitting position in order to look at Christina and Emma’s notes. I do well. I relax for a moment and just then I realize Christina and Emma have bowed the wrong way and now I’m the one with incorrect bow. I find a way to correct that and now I’m starting to feel anxious again. I can feel my moyo racing.
The piece is done with and I whisper harshly to Chris and Emma. “Why did wewe do that, it’s not how we practiced! I’m gonna deal with wewe later”
They look at me weirdly and I realize I’ve been too harsh.
We ended our performance, I stood up first and I’m now going back to the room we were before. I am trembling. The pulsing vain on my forehead is reminding me of the pain my head is causing.
I get to my violin case. It’s on the floor and I have to get on my knees in order to put the violin in it. Everyone else is joining me in the room. Christina is two feet away from me and I ask her why did she and Emma change bows.
“We changed bows but it looked like wewe made a mistake. I don’t care! wewe should have known better!” she snaps at me and my moyo starts racing again.
Suddenly I can’t feel my legs. I call Christina’s name but I only get ‘wait’. I call again and I hear ‘ok, I’m coming’.
She gets to me really slowly as if she was afraid of me yelling at her. I whisper to her “Hold me” and she does. I fall in her arms and I can’t get up. She asks me if I’m ok but I can’t respond. I am breathing so fast I can’t say a word. Suddenly everybody is starting to rush to see what’s wrong. I feel arms going under mine and I see Milo carrying me outside. The conductor joins him.
Now I’m sitting on the stairs outside the hall and my head is spinning again. Someone hands me a glass of water and I hear that someone telling me it’s with sugar. I look at them weirdly and realize I can’t hold the glass cause my hand is shaking. They help me drink the fluid and I can see all my Marafiki surrounding me. The conductor tells them to back of and that I need air. I hear him asking me if he should call a doctor. I don’t know if it’s right choice but my hands start shaking again and I nod.
Soon I’m back in the familiar room and I’m getting a glucose shot and they are telling me I’m going to be started on IV fluids.
I can feel tears filling my eyes and in sekunde one tear is running down my cheek. I breathe in heavily and the conductor tells me it’s going to be fine.
Another tear falls and the melody I played not so long zamani starts playing in my head.
Tears are flowing down my face and it’s like they keeping up with the melody. I can feel my whole body reacting to the rhythm of melody that’s playing over and over again in my head.
Emma comes to me and says she’s sorry. I look at her with my wet eyes, confused.
I replaced your notes when I was browsing through them before the performance.
I look at her one zaidi time and start crying again. Everybody leaves the room except the conductor. He has to talk with me.
They take away the needle that was pierced in my vain and I feel uneasy.
I have no idea that I will have a reminder of this night for the rest of this week au more. I have no idea a bruise is going to form where the needle has been.
I have no idea.
And I cry in the rhythm of the melody again.
Ok, first I wanna thank wewe for being patient enough to read it all.
I upendo wewe all my Marafiki :)))))
Reviews=♥