wewe sit beside Justin on the couch, laptop on your lap while wewe scroll through your timeline on Twitter. Not finding anything interesting, wewe switch over to going through your mentions. A smile finds its way to your lips as wewe read through the tweets at the top, all of them flattering compliments. Your smile instantly turns into a frown however when wewe continue to read and find aq lot of rather hateful messages.

“@y/t/n is so ugly… I don’t understand why Justin is with her”
“@y/t/n ever thought about trying a diet? I don’t think it’d hurt. Lol”
“@y/t/n just kill yourself already! Nobody wants wewe here and Justin doesn’t upendo you”

wewe whimper softly, the familiar urge coming back. Closing your computer, wewe place it on the coffee meza, jedwali in front of you. wewe stand up from the kitanda slowly and stretch your limbs - pretending to be tired. Of course, since the clock had only just reached 8pm, Justin looked at wewe questioningly when wewe announced that your were going to bed.

“Are wewe okay, babe? wewe know it’s only eight, right?” He asks wewe skeptically and he adds a chuckle at the end, trying to conceal his concern for you.

“I’m okay, Justin. Just tired.” wewe answer quickly. Leaning down, wewe press your lips to his cheek, “Night.”

“Night…?” He trails off and his sentence is turned into a swali because kwa then wewe have already disappeared up the stairs.

———————-

A couple of weeks later, wewe and Justin are eating chajio, chakula cha jioni at nyumbani with Pattie, Scooter, Carin and Ryan and his girlfriend - who had become one of your best friends. Everyone are just enjoying themselves when Justin places the delicious looking chakula at the table. Scooter lets out a holler, complimenting on how good it looked.

wewe cringe as the wonderful taste enters nostrils, but wewe still wait patiently for your turn. wewe only place a small portion of chakula on your plate though and you’re grateful that Justin is too engrossed in a conversation with Ryan too notice.

Throughout dinner, wewe keep quiet and continuously poke your chakula with the fork. wewe don’t talk much either, only from time to time when Carin desperately tries to add wewe into the conversation.

“Are wewe okay, honey?” Pattie asks suddenly when she notices your absent mind.

wewe bite your lip, placing the fork back down inayofuata to your plate. Looking up to meet Pattie’s concerned eyes, wewe give her a small smile. “Yeah. I’m just not feeling too good. I think I’m gonna go lay down for a bit. I’m sorry.”

“Oh, hon, don’t apologize. We only want wewe to be okay. Go take a nap, sweetheart. I’ll make sure Justin checks up on wewe later.” Pattie gives wewe a reassuring smile, but wewe know her well and can easily see the worry deep within her eyes. wewe nod, send an apologizing look to Ryan’s girlfriend before heading upstairs.

Meanwhile downstairs, all of the girls are looking at Justin hopelessly when wewe disappear out of sight and they are sure wewe can’t hear.

“Justin, something is up with [Y/N] and I don’t like it. She barely ate any of her food!” Carin exclaims and Justin nods.

“I know.” Justin states, his voice cracking at the last word. Before he can say anything else, Pattie is out of her chair and beside her son. She pulls him into her arms and Justin nuzzles his face into her neck, willing himself not to cry.

“I…” Justin trails of, pulling away from Pattie. “She has barely eaten for the past week. Last couple of weeks, actually. I’m so worried that she’s gonna faint anytime when I’m not there. What if she faints in the shower, mom? What would I do then?”

“Have wewe tried talking to her about it, hon?”

“Yes! I’ve tried asking her about it, almost pressuring her into eat but she’ll either say that be isn’t hungry au like she did now, saying she’s not hungry. I… I think she’s starving herself, mom, and I don’t know what to do.”

Justin looks so scared and Lost that Pattie’s moyo aches for her son. She wishes she can just take the pain away from him, but she also knows that this is something Justin and [Y/N] has to fix themselves.

“Go talk to her now, bro. We’ll leave wewe guys alone. Thanks for chajio, chakula cha jioni though.” Ryan speaks up for the first time. He stands from his chair and pulls his best friend into a hug. “Talk to her, find out what’s wrong and help her fix it. We need our girl back soon, JB. The happy, careless one.”

————-

“[Y/N]? Babe?”

wewe hear Justin call out quietly and your moyo begins to race unbelievably fast, pumping the blood around in your veins. wewe only watch as the blood streams faster from the cuts on your wrist, not moving a muscle.

Vaguely, wewe can hear Justin call out your name again, but you’re caught up in your own world to think anything about it. wewe continue to watch as the blood trickles down your forearm, dripping down and then staining your skinny jeans. Glancing around the bathroom wewe notice your high heels and suddenly wewe remember the guest wewe had invited for dinner.

That’s when wewe break. wewe break into tears, your crying increasing every sekunde until you’re full on sobbing. Forgetting about your cuts, wewe bring your knees up to your chest. Hugging them, wewe continue to sob uncontrollably and wewe even have to gasp for air from time to time.

“Babe, is that you? [Y/N]? [Y/N]!” Justin’s voice is frantic now and before wewe can respond au even comprehend it, Justin has opened the bathroom door.

wewe don’t look at him. wewe don’t want to. wewe just can’t. Justin doesn’t upendo you. He thinks you’re ugly and so does everyone else. wewe deserve this. So wewe continue to sob into your knees, pretending your boyfriend isn’t there.

“Oh… My god. Babe!”

Justin is kwa your side like lightening and pulls wewe into his arms. He gently pries your hands away from your knees kwa grabbing your wrists and if it hadn’t been for the cuts - wewe wouldn’t have cared. wewe wince and a whimper escapes your mouth which causes Justin to freeze his actions. He looks down slowly, as if he was afraid of the sight that would meet him. He takes a sharp breath, his hand shaking slightly as he inspects your arm.

“Fuck…” Justin mutters and wewe can easily hear that it’s strained. He looks up again and his glazed eyes meet your puffy ones. “Why?” He croaks.

“Because I’m not good enough, Justin! I’ll never be good enough. I-I’m… I’m not good enough.” wewe whisper the last word, still trying to catch wewe breath as the salty tears continue to stream down your face.

“Of course you’re good enough! wewe always have been and wewe always will be. Who in the world told wewe that wewe weren’t?” Justin asks bewildered, anger blazing in his eyes.

“Your fans…”

“W-what?” Justin stammers, trying to understand what wewe just told him.

“Your fans, Justin. They tweet me all the time saying how ugly I am, that I don’t deserve you, that I’m better off dead. It hurts, Justin. It hurts so much…” wewe whimper, hiding your head in the crook of Justin’s neck.

“Shh, baby, I know. I know. Is it… Is that why wewe haven’t been eating lately? Did any of them call wewe fat?” Justin asks cautiously seeing as he doesn’t want to make wewe feel worse. wewe bare nod, but it’s there.

“[Y/N]…” And he’s crying too. wewe feel his tears on your exposed neck, but wewe don’t care. All wewe want is yo sit there in Justin’s arms as long as possible. “I was so worried about you! I thought there was something seriously wrong. wewe were almost avoiding me and it hurts knowing that wewe don’t want to talk to me about it. I was so scared you’d faint as soon as my eyes left you. You’re so thin, so fragile… I don’t like this new you. I want the old [Y/N] back - the one I fell in upendo with. Can wewe do that?”

“I-I can’t, Justin. It hurts too much. I… I need to take the pain away. I deserve to be in pain!” wewe whimper, the pain from your cuts now beginning to appear.

“No!” Justin exclaims immediately and wewe flinch, hearing the tone of his voice.

“I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to scare you. I just… I hate seeing wewe in so much pain, [Y/N]. It physically hurts me to know that you’ve been hurting yourself. We’re gonna get through this, okay? I’ll talk to my fans, I’ll have a press conference, hell, I’ll even futa your twitter if I have to.” He laughs sadly, gripping each of your arms to pull wewe away so he can look at you.

“Everything’s gonna be alright. I’ll help wewe through this. I will be here every step of the way. I won’t leave, ever.”

“Promise?” wewe sniff, looking at him. “I promise.”

“And wewe are beautiful, okay? So damn beautiful. wewe are the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen and wewe always will be. I don’t want wewe to change. I upendo wewe for you, [Y/N]. Forget those jealous bitches, they’ve got nothing on you. You’ll always be my inayopendelewa girl.”

“You are so corny!” wewe giggle quietly as Justin pulls wewe close to him again. wewe feel his chest shake as he laughs half-heartedly.

“Yes, but wewe upendo me!” Justin teases, stroking your hair softly.

“Mm, that’s true.” wewe whisper as wewe doze of. Tired of crying, tired of feeling useless, tired of starvation. So wewe lay in Justin’s arms, listening to his calming heartbeat, while falling asleep. wewe smile softly, knowing that Justin would always upendo you, no matter what.

I just wanted to say that if any of you, anyone, have these kind of problems - I’m here. My ask box is always open and I’m here to talk if wewe want me to be. And wewe are beautiful. wewe are so damn beautiful, all of you. I upendo wewe so much! x