It seems rather rushed as if wewe are glossing over a lot of details that could be expanded on A LOT to make a zaidi intriguing story that draws wewe in.
A lot of the scene could have better been done written out rather than summarized like the whole "The parents couple" to "their own" and even a fair amount before that.
Also wewe would probably like to avoid using words like "things" and preferably use zaidi detailed words like "skills".
And I didnt read the sekunde chapter, but I skimmed it and just one thing I need to point out
When wewe have dialogue wewe need to create a new paragraph any new person speaks. Making it looks like:
"What are wewe doing?" Bill asked.
"I am doing well." Joe responded.
"Do wewe like pizza?" Bill asked.
"Why do wewe keep asking me questions?" Joe responded
Of course with better words than "responded" and "asked" but I wasnt really trying with the writing.
ujumla, jumla in general it sounds nice, a bit generic when compared to the RPs Ive been part it, but it seems to be pretty nice. If wewe want tips though, the things I listed above should help but in general, wewe are probably going to want to expand your uandishi and be zaidi descriptive.