[The Simpsons] 1F02 - Homer Goes To College #255
Homer: I've been working on a plan. During the exam, I'll hide under some coats, and hope that somehow everything will work out.
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[The Simpsons] 1F05 - Bart's Inner Child #32
Skinner: Damn...they're very slowly getting away!
Moe: They're heading for the old mill!
Homer: No we're not.
Moe: Well, let's go to the old mill anyway -- get some cider!
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[The Simpsons] 1F06 - Boy Scoutz 'N the kofia #86
Homer: Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals!... except the weasel.
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[The Simpsons] 1F06 - Boy Scoutz 'N the kofia #87
Homer: How was jerk practice, boy? Did they teach wewe how to sing to trees? And build crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs? Huh? [His chair collapses] D'oh! Stupid poetic justice.
Bart: Actually, we were just planning the father-son river rafting trip.
Homer: Heh heh, wewe don't have a son.
Contributed kwa sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 1F07 - The Last Temptation Of Homer #33
Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
Moe: Yeah.
Homer: See, I got this friend named...Joey Jo-Jo... Junior... Shabadoo
Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.
[A man leaves, weeping]
Barney: Hey, Joey Jo-Jo!
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F09 - Homer the Vigilante #45
Homer: So, Mr. Malloy, it seems that the cat has been caught kwa the very person who was trying to catch him.
Skinner: How ironic.
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[The Simpsons] 1F15 - Bart Gets An tembo #34
Homer: Bart! With $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
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[The Simpsons] 1F15 - Bart Gets An tembo #35
Homer: Look at this, Marge: $58 and all of it profit! I'm the smartest businessman in the world.
Marge: Stampy's chakula bill today was $300.
Homer: Marge, please, don't humiliate me in front of the money.
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F15 - Bart Gets An tembo #36
Homer: Uh, Milhouse saw the tembo twice and rode him once, right?
Mrs. van Houten: Yes, but we paid wewe $4.
Homer: Well, that was under our old price structure. Under our new price structure, your bill comes to a total of $700. Now, you've already paid me $4, so that's just $696 zaidi that wewe owe me.
Mr. van Houten: Get off our property.
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[The Simpsons] 1F15 - Bart Gets An tembo #37
Lisa: Dad! You're sinking.
Homer: Huh?
Marge: Get a rope, Bart?
Homer: Naw, that's OK. I'm pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First I'll just reach in and pull my legs out, now I'll pull my arms out with my face.
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[The Simpsons] 1F16 - Burns' Heir #396
Chief Wiggum: Oh, for gosh g -- can't wewe people solve these problems yourselves? I mean, we can't be, er, "policing" the whole city.
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[The Simpsons] 1F16 - Burns' Heir #397
Burns: OK, let's make this sporting, Leonard. If wewe can tell me why I shouldn't moto wewe without using the letter "E", wewe can keep your job.
Lenny: Uh, OK. Um, I'm a good...work...guy --
Burns: You're fired.
Lenny: But I didn't say --
Burns: wewe will. [pushes a button]
Lenny: [falling through a trap door] EEEEeeeee!
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F17 - Lisa's Rival #38
Alison: We take proper names and rearrange the letters to form a description of that person.
Taylor: Like, er...oh, I don't know, uh...Alec Guinness.
Alison: [thinks] Genuine class.
Taylor: Ho ho, very good. All right, Lisa, um...Jeremy Irons.
Lisa: [thinks] Jeremy's...iron.
Taylor: Mm hmm, well that's...very good...for a first try. wewe know what? I have a ball. Perhaps you'd like to bounce it?
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 2F03 - Treehouse of Horror V #39
Homer: I've gone back to the time when dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos!
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[The Simpsons] 2F05 - Lisa on Ice #394
Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible!
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[The Simpsons] 2F09 - Homer The Great #259
Marge: I don't want wewe stalking anyone tonight.
Homer: Oh, OK, have it your own way, Marge. I'll be back in a dakika [gets up] I'm... going outside. To... stalk ...Lenny and Carl...[realizes] D'oh!
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 2F22 - lemon, limau of Troy #52
Bart: Remember: if wewe get lost, wewe can always find east kwa staring directly at the sun.
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[The Simpsons] 3F03 - Lisa the Vegetarian #258
Homer: Look kids! I just got my party invitiations back from the printers.
Lisa: [Reading the invitation.] "Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB."
Bart: What's that extra B for?
Homer: It's a typo.
Lisa: Dad! Can't wewe have some other type of party, one where wewe don't serve meat?
Homer: All normal people upendo meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. wewe don't win Marafiki with salad.
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[The Simpsons] 3F14 - Homer the Smithers #53
Burns: Here, tell me how my stocks did yesterday.
Homer: Uh, they all won.
Burns: What about my options?
Homer: Well, wewe can either get up au go back to sleep.
Burns: I believe I'll get up.
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3F14 - Homer the Smithers #54
Homer: Here are your messages:
"You have 30 dakika to songesha your car",
"You have 10 minutes",
"Your car has been impounded",
"Your car has been crushed into a cube",
"You have 30 dakika to songesha your cube".
[phone ringing]
Homer: [answers] Yello, Mr. Burns' office.
Burns: Is it about my cube?
Contributed kwa sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 3F14 - Homer the Smithers #145
Homer: I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around.
Contributed kwa sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 3F17 - Bart on the Road #63
Homer: Donut?
Lisa: No, thanks. Do wewe have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit.
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[The Simpsons] 3F17 - Bart on the Road #64
Marge: The national grammar rodeo? I wish I were going. Oh, wait, wait... I wish I "was" going. Is that right, Bart?
Bart: I dunno.
Lisa: It's not fair. I'm the best student in school, how come I never heard about this competition?
Bart: Maybe because wewe are, as we say in Latin, a "dorkus malorkus."
Contributed kwa sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 3F18 - 22 Short Films About Springfield #261
Skinner: Well, that was wonderful. Good time was had kwa all. I'm pooped.
Chalmers: Yes, I guess I should be -- [notes entire jikoni is on fire] Good Lord, what is happening in there?
Skinner: Aurora Borealis?
Chalmers: Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Skinner: Yes.
Chalmers: May I see it?
Skinner: Oh, erm... No.
Contributed kwa Kurt D
[The Simpsons] 3F20 - Much Apu About Nothing #46
Homer: [on phone] Hello, Selma? Selma my dear, how are you? ... Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Listen, shut up for a second. How would wewe like to marry Apu so he doesn't get deported?
Selma: I'd rather eat poison. My name's already Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz McClure. God knows it's long enough without Nahassapeema-whatever. From now on, I'm only marrying for love... Mmm, possibly once zaidi for money.
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3G04 - Simpson Tide #260
Kent Brockman: Could Homer Simpson be a communist? His father spoke out on his behalf.
Abe: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star!
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 4F24 - Lisa the Simpson #263
Marge: Lisa, Lisa honey wake up.
Lisa: Why bother?
Marge: Because your father has a big surprise for you.
Lisa: I'm adopted?
Marge: Better, come look.
Contributed kwa mark m
[The Simpsons] 5F01 - The cartridge, katriji ya Family #251
Homer: A gun is not a weapon, Marge. It's a tool. Like a butcher knife, au a harpoon, or...uh, ...an alligator.
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[The Simpsons] 5F01 - The cartridge, katriji ya Family #253
Salesman: But surely wewe can't put a price on your family's lives.
Homer: I wouldn't have thought so either, but here we are.
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[The Simpsons] 5F01 - The cartridge, katriji ya Family #254
Homer: I'm sorry I lied to you, Marge. But this gun had a hold on me. I felt this incredible surge of power, like God must feel when he's holding a gun.
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 5F01 - The cartridge, katriji ya Family #257
Homer: I don't have to be careful. I've got a gun.
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[The Simpsons] 5F11 - Das Bus #55
Homer: Ooh, they have the Internet on computers now!
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 5F11 - Das Bus #56
Homer: Welcome to the Internet, my friend, how can I help you?
Comic Book Guy: I'm interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud Internet connection to a 1.5 megabit fiber optic T1 line. Will wewe be able to provide an IP router that's compatible with my token ring ethernet LAN configuration?
Homer: [stares blankly] Can I have some money now?
Contributed kwa sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 5F11 - Das Bus #57
Lisa: Point of order, if we want to learn anything we must respec--
Bart: Point of odor, Lisa stinks.
Contributed kwa sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 5F22 - Bart the Mother #266
Homer: Oh, I hate folding sheets!
Marge: That's your underwear.
Homer: Well, whatever it is, it's a two-man job. Where's Bart?
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 7F22 - Blood Feud #58
Homer: [disguising his voice] Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe wewe have a letter for me.
Postal Clerk: Okay, Mr. Burns, uh, what's your first name?
Homer: [pause] I don't know.
[outside on the steps of the post office] Great plan, Bart.
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 7F23 - When Flanders Failed #107
Homer: Hello Jerry, remember last mwezi when I paid back that loan? Well now I need wewe to do a favor for me.
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[The Simpsons] 9F06 - The New Kid on the Block #395
Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film, "The Never-Ending Story".
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[The Simpsons] 9F09 - Homer's Triple Bypass #44
Homer: Now I know I haven't been the best Christian. In fact, when you're up there yak-yak-yaking, I'm usually either sleeping au mentally undressing the female parishioners. Anyway, can I have $50,000?
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[The Simpsons] 9F13 - I upendo Lisa #421
Homer: Ah, sweet pity. Where would my upendo life have been without it?
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F17 - So It's Come To This #422
TV: The following is a public service announcement. Excessive alcohol consumption can cause liver damage and cancer of the rectum.
Homer: Mmmmm... beer...
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F20 - Marge In Chains #262
Homer: Marge, I'm going to miss wewe so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the chakula preparation.
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] AABF11 - I'm With Cupid #144
Homer: And ask yourselves, people. Who's to blame for all this?
Hibbert: Well, I guess we are.
Ned: Well, I do take Maude for granted.
Lenny: Oh, I've done some of that myself.
Homer: Will wewe stop it? It's easy to blame ourselves, but it's even easier to blame Apu. He's making us look bad!
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] AABF21 - Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner? #59
Guide: Welcome to the Springfield Shopper, established in 1883. The newspaper was founded kwa Johnny Newspaperseed, a 14 year-old boy who roamed America founding newspapers.
Homer: If he's so smart, how come he's dead?
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[The Simpsons] BABF08 - The Mansion Family #276
Homer: Oh, why won’t anyone give me an award?
Lisa: wewe won a Grammy!
Homer: I mean an award that's worth winning.
Contributed kwa mark m
[The Simpsons] BABF22 - HOMR #66
Operator: For automated stock prices, please state the company name.
Homer: Animotion.
Operator: Animotion, up 1 1/2.
Homer: Yahoo!
Operator: Yahoo, up 6 1/4.
Homer: Huh? What is this crap?
Operator: fox, mbweha Broadcasting, down 8.
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[The Simpsons] BABF22 - HOMR #67
Scientist: We could perform a surgery and remove the crayon from your brain. It could vastly increase your brain power. au it could possibly kill you.
Homer: Hmm ... increase my killing power, eh?
Contributed kwa sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] CABF02 - The Computer Wore Menace Shoes #43
Homer: Um ... I guess I'll take that one.
Salesman: Well, do wewe need a paperweight? 'Cause if wewe buy that machine, that's all you're going to have, an expensive paperweight.
Homer: Well, a paperweight would be nice, but what I really need is a computer. How about that one? [points to another machine]
Salesman: That technology is three months old. Only suckers buy out-of-date machines. You're not a sucker, are wewe sir?
Homer: Heavens no!
Salesman: Oh good, because if wewe were, I'd have to ask wewe to leave the store.
Homer: I just need something to receive email.
Salesman: [whistles] You'll need a top-of-the-line machine for that. [shows Homer a machine] That's the same computer astronauts use to do their taxes.
Homer: I was an astronaut.
Salesman: Of course wewe were.
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF02 - The Computer Wore Menace Shoes #62
Homer: Who are you, and why are wewe holding me here? I want majibu now, au I want them eventually!
Contributed kwa sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] CABF04 - Homer Vs. Dignity #60
Homer: What should I do with all this dirty, ill-gotten money? I'd better throw it in the garbage.
Lisa: Well, there's lots of needy kids out there.
Homer: I see what you're saying. I need to buy a gun!
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF04 - Homer Vs. Dignity #61
Marge: Homer, we need to talk to a financial planner.
Homer: Financial panther, eh?
[imagining]
Banker: Mr. Simpson, you're a dollar overdrawn.
Homer: Get him, Sheba!
[a panther leaps onscreen and mauls the banker]
[back to reality] I'm on board.
Contributed kwa sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] CABF07 - Tennis The Menace #135
Lisa: Venus Simpson? You're replacing me?
Homer: Now Lisa, dumping's such a harsh word. Lets just say I'm replacing you.
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[The Simpsons] CABF16 - Children Of A Lesser Clod #143
Krusty: [About Homer] A man so generous, not recognizing him would make Santa Claus himself vomit with rage.
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF20 - Homer the Moe #40
Moe: ... and if anyone wants potato chips au anything fancy, tell him to go to Hell.
Homer: Can do. Now, don't wewe worry about a thing. [turns on a bia tap, spilling the bia onto the floor]
Moe: Hey, what are wewe doing? I gotta pay for that!
Homer: No, Moe, you've got it all wrong. People buy bia from you.
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF20 - Homer the Moe #41
Moe: Listen, I don't like you, wewe don't like me, but we both want to stop Homer from shooting a turkey.
Lisa: wewe don't like me? I like you.
Moe: wewe do? Then I like wewe too. Here, have a towelette.
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] DABF18 - Large Marge #114
Homer: I came out of the elephant's mouth, right? Because I already showered once today.
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF02 - Special Edna #115
Electric Car: Hello. I'm an electric car. I can't go very fast. au very far. And if wewe drive me, people will think you're gay.
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF10 - C.E. D'oh #280
Burns: Now a few zaidi details about this year's company picnic. It's at the plant, no chakula will be served, the only activity will be work, and the picnic is cancelled.
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[The Simpsons] EABF10 - C.E. D'oh #281
Lisa: What about wewe and mom?
Homer: Oh we'll be upstairs in the bedroom making love...ly rope ladders, in case there's a fire.
Bart: Oh, okay.
Homer: Children, so naive.
Bart: What?
Lisa: Who's naive?
Homer: I didn't say anything...so naive.
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF10 - C.E. D'oh #282
Female Associate: Homer, I'll go over the mwaka end profit forecast if you'll stop looking at my boobs.
Homer: No deal.
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[The Simpsons] EABF10 - C.E. D'oh #283
Homer: [reading from a book] Tip 1: Live each siku like it was your last. [sitting on a curb, sobbing] I don't wanna die! I'm so young!
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[The Simpsons] EABF15 - Brake My Wife, Please #279
Homer: Psst, bishop to Queen four.
Old Man: We're playing dominoes!
Homer: I alisema bishop to Queen four.
Old Man: Alright already... sheesh.
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF17 - Moe Baby Blues #277
Moe: "Alice in Wonderland", huh? This must be a takeoff on an "Alice in Underpants" movie I saw.
Contributed kwa gook nukem
[The Simpsons] EABF20 - The President Wore Pearls #192
Milhouse: And to think I was going to ask wewe to the dance!
Lisa: I would have gone with you..
Milhouse: Well, wewe still can!
Lisa: Well I don’t feel like it now.
Milhouse: Awww! That's cool. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF22 - The Regina Monologues #194
Lisa: Press the gray brick in the back of the fireplace.
Homer: Sweet freedom, here I... Owww!
Lisa: Put out the moto first!
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF22 - The Regina Monologues #195
Homer: America rules! Our Beatles are way better than your precious Rolling Stones!
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[The Simpsons] EABF22 - The Regina Monologues #196
Lisa: Why did wewe let him be his own barrister?
Marge: What difference could it make? He hit the friggin' Queen!
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF22 - The Regina Monologues #197
Homer: Yes, I've been jailed on six continents. All I have to do is kill a penguin.
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] FABF05 - Diatribe of a Mad Housewife #199
Homer: Where to, Mac?
Comic Book Guy: For the third time, the hospital! You're an ambulance, not a taxi!
Homer: Hospital, eh? Wow, everyone is going there tonight.
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] FABF05 - Diatribe of a Mad Housewife #200
Marge: Homie, I finished my novel…
Homer: Wooh, typed.
Marge: It's really important that wewe read it and tell me what wewe think.
Homer: No problem. Aww 286 pages!
Marge: It's double spaced.
Homer: Woo hoo! I'm half-way through!
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] GABF02 - Homer and Ned's Hail Mary Pass #105
Homer: Yeah! wewe help me, and I in-turn am helped kwa you.
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] GABF04 - There's Something About Marrying #132
Reverand Lovejoy: Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage is described in the Bible--
Homer: If wewe upendo the Bible so much, why don't wewe marry it? In fact, I now pronounce wewe and the Bible man and wife. And you're the wife!
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] GABF18 - The Bonfire Of The Manatees #134
Marge: I found a place where I'm needed.
Homer: You're needed at home!
Marge: And treated like I deserve.
Homer: [pause] You're needed at home!
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] HABF10 - Kiss Kiss, Bang Bangalore #68
Homer: This isn't India! Where's the chuo kikuu, chuo kikuu cha of Notre Dame and the Indy 500 and Wrigley Field and Dodger Dogs?!
Indian Woman: wewe ignorant American! wewe have confused India with Indiana, Indiana with Illinois, and the Cubs with the Dodgers!
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] HABF12 - Girls Just Wanna Have Sums #109
Marge: Do wewe really think that woman are mentally inferior?
Homer: Well, eh uh, honey wewe are just as smart as a man. Sometimes when I'm with wewe I feel like I'm doing it with a dude.
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] HABF12 - Girls Just Wanna Have Sums #110
Marge: Women are as smart as men. Why, a woman invented Liquid Paper.
Homer: Well, wewe know what a man invented? Actual paper.
Contributed kwa sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] JABF18 - The Homer of Seville #241
Homer: That church service was so boring! I did a whole book of find-a-words.
Lisa: Dad, all wewe circled were the I's and A's.
Homer: Those are words.
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] JABF20 - He Loves to Fly and He D'ohs #239
Homer: Oh, what's the point of putting my socks on? I'd just have to take them off again a week later.
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] KABF11 - Any aliyopewa Sundance #112
Homer: I never wanted to be famous for being mean. I wanted to be famous for catching Santa Claus.
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
Homer: I've been working on a plan. During the exam, I'll hide under some coats, and hope that somehow everything will work out.
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F05 - Bart's Inner Child #32
Skinner: Damn...they're very slowly getting away!
Moe: They're heading for the old mill!
Homer: No we're not.
Moe: Well, let's go to the old mill anyway -- get some cider!
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F06 - Boy Scoutz 'N the kofia #86
Homer: Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals!... except the weasel.
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[The Simpsons] 1F06 - Boy Scoutz 'N the kofia #87
Homer: How was jerk practice, boy? Did they teach wewe how to sing to trees? And build crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs? Huh? [His chair collapses] D'oh! Stupid poetic justice.
Bart: Actually, we were just planning the father-son river rafting trip.
Homer: Heh heh, wewe don't have a son.
Contributed kwa sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 1F07 - The Last Temptation Of Homer #33
Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
Moe: Yeah.
Homer: See, I got this friend named...Joey Jo-Jo... Junior... Shabadoo
Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.
[A man leaves, weeping]
Barney: Hey, Joey Jo-Jo!
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F09 - Homer the Vigilante #45
Homer: So, Mr. Malloy, it seems that the cat has been caught kwa the very person who was trying to catch him.
Skinner: How ironic.
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F15 - Bart Gets An tembo #34
Homer: Bart! With $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F15 - Bart Gets An tembo #35
Homer: Look at this, Marge: $58 and all of it profit! I'm the smartest businessman in the world.
Marge: Stampy's chakula bill today was $300.
Homer: Marge, please, don't humiliate me in front of the money.
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F15 - Bart Gets An tembo #36
Homer: Uh, Milhouse saw the tembo twice and rode him once, right?
Mrs. van Houten: Yes, but we paid wewe $4.
Homer: Well, that was under our old price structure. Under our new price structure, your bill comes to a total of $700. Now, you've already paid me $4, so that's just $696 zaidi that wewe owe me.
Mr. van Houten: Get off our property.
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F15 - Bart Gets An tembo #37
Lisa: Dad! You're sinking.
Homer: Huh?
Marge: Get a rope, Bart?
Homer: Naw, that's OK. I'm pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First I'll just reach in and pull my legs out, now I'll pull my arms out with my face.
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[The Simpsons] 1F16 - Burns' Heir #396
Chief Wiggum: Oh, for gosh g -- can't wewe people solve these problems yourselves? I mean, we can't be, er, "policing" the whole city.
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[The Simpsons] 1F16 - Burns' Heir #397
Burns: OK, let's make this sporting, Leonard. If wewe can tell me why I shouldn't moto wewe without using the letter "E", wewe can keep your job.
Lenny: Uh, OK. Um, I'm a good...work...guy --
Burns: You're fired.
Lenny: But I didn't say --
Burns: wewe will. [pushes a button]
Lenny: [falling through a trap door] EEEEeeeee!
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F17 - Lisa's Rival #38
Alison: We take proper names and rearrange the letters to form a description of that person.
Taylor: Like, er...oh, I don't know, uh...Alec Guinness.
Alison: [thinks] Genuine class.
Taylor: Ho ho, very good. All right, Lisa, um...Jeremy Irons.
Lisa: [thinks] Jeremy's...iron.
Taylor: Mm hmm, well that's...very good...for a first try. wewe know what? I have a ball. Perhaps you'd like to bounce it?
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[The Simpsons] 2F03 - Treehouse of Horror V #39
Homer: I've gone back to the time when dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos!
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[The Simpsons] 2F05 - Lisa on Ice #394
Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible!
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[The Simpsons] 2F09 - Homer The Great #259
Marge: I don't want wewe stalking anyone tonight.
Homer: Oh, OK, have it your own way, Marge. I'll be back in a dakika [gets up] I'm... going outside. To... stalk ...Lenny and Carl...[realizes] D'oh!
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 2F22 - lemon, limau of Troy #52
Bart: Remember: if wewe get lost, wewe can always find east kwa staring directly at the sun.
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[The Simpsons] 3F03 - Lisa the Vegetarian #258
Homer: Look kids! I just got my party invitiations back from the printers.
Lisa: [Reading the invitation.] "Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB."
Bart: What's that extra B for?
Homer: It's a typo.
Lisa: Dad! Can't wewe have some other type of party, one where wewe don't serve meat?
Homer: All normal people upendo meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. wewe don't win Marafiki with salad.
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[The Simpsons] 3F14 - Homer the Smithers #53
Burns: Here, tell me how my stocks did yesterday.
Homer: Uh, they all won.
Burns: What about my options?
Homer: Well, wewe can either get up au go back to sleep.
Burns: I believe I'll get up.
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[The Simpsons] 3F14 - Homer the Smithers #54
Homer: Here are your messages:
"You have 30 dakika to songesha your car",
"You have 10 minutes",
"Your car has been impounded",
"Your car has been crushed into a cube",
"You have 30 dakika to songesha your cube".
[phone ringing]
Homer: [answers] Yello, Mr. Burns' office.
Burns: Is it about my cube?
Contributed kwa sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 3F14 - Homer the Smithers #145
Homer: I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around.
Contributed kwa sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 3F17 - Bart on the Road #63
Homer: Donut?
Lisa: No, thanks. Do wewe have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit.
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[The Simpsons] 3F17 - Bart on the Road #64
Marge: The national grammar rodeo? I wish I were going. Oh, wait, wait... I wish I "was" going. Is that right, Bart?
Bart: I dunno.
Lisa: It's not fair. I'm the best student in school, how come I never heard about this competition?
Bart: Maybe because wewe are, as we say in Latin, a "dorkus malorkus."
Contributed kwa sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 3F18 - 22 Short Films About Springfield #261
Skinner: Well, that was wonderful. Good time was had kwa all. I'm pooped.
Chalmers: Yes, I guess I should be -- [notes entire jikoni is on fire] Good Lord, what is happening in there?
Skinner: Aurora Borealis?
Chalmers: Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Skinner: Yes.
Chalmers: May I see it?
Skinner: Oh, erm... No.
Contributed kwa Kurt D
[The Simpsons] 3F20 - Much Apu About Nothing #46
Homer: [on phone] Hello, Selma? Selma my dear, how are you? ... Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Listen, shut up for a second. How would wewe like to marry Apu so he doesn't get deported?
Selma: I'd rather eat poison. My name's already Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz McClure. God knows it's long enough without Nahassapeema-whatever. From now on, I'm only marrying for love... Mmm, possibly once zaidi for money.
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[The Simpsons] 3G04 - Simpson Tide #260
Kent Brockman: Could Homer Simpson be a communist? His father spoke out on his behalf.
Abe: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star!
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 4F24 - Lisa the Simpson #263
Marge: Lisa, Lisa honey wake up.
Lisa: Why bother?
Marge: Because your father has a big surprise for you.
Lisa: I'm adopted?
Marge: Better, come look.
Contributed kwa mark m
[The Simpsons] 5F01 - The cartridge, katriji ya Family #251
Homer: A gun is not a weapon, Marge. It's a tool. Like a butcher knife, au a harpoon, or...uh, ...an alligator.
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[The Simpsons] 5F01 - The cartridge, katriji ya Family #253
Salesman: But surely wewe can't put a price on your family's lives.
Homer: I wouldn't have thought so either, but here we are.
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[The Simpsons] 5F01 - The cartridge, katriji ya Family #254
Homer: I'm sorry I lied to you, Marge. But this gun had a hold on me. I felt this incredible surge of power, like God must feel when he's holding a gun.
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[The Simpsons] 5F01 - The cartridge, katriji ya Family #257
Homer: I don't have to be careful. I've got a gun.
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[The Simpsons] 5F11 - Das Bus #55
Homer: Ooh, they have the Internet on computers now!
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 5F11 - Das Bus #56
Homer: Welcome to the Internet, my friend, how can I help you?
Comic Book Guy: I'm interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud Internet connection to a 1.5 megabit fiber optic T1 line. Will wewe be able to provide an IP router that's compatible with my token ring ethernet LAN configuration?
Homer: [stares blankly] Can I have some money now?
Contributed kwa sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 5F11 - Das Bus #57
Lisa: Point of order, if we want to learn anything we must respec--
Bart: Point of odor, Lisa stinks.
Contributed kwa sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 5F22 - Bart the Mother #266
Homer: Oh, I hate folding sheets!
Marge: That's your underwear.
Homer: Well, whatever it is, it's a two-man job. Where's Bart?
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 7F22 - Blood Feud #58
Homer: [disguising his voice] Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe wewe have a letter for me.
Postal Clerk: Okay, Mr. Burns, uh, what's your first name?
Homer: [pause] I don't know.
[outside on the steps of the post office] Great plan, Bart.
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 7F23 - When Flanders Failed #107
Homer: Hello Jerry, remember last mwezi when I paid back that loan? Well now I need wewe to do a favor for me.
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[The Simpsons] 9F06 - The New Kid on the Block #395
Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film, "The Never-Ending Story".
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[The Simpsons] 9F09 - Homer's Triple Bypass #44
Homer: Now I know I haven't been the best Christian. In fact, when you're up there yak-yak-yaking, I'm usually either sleeping au mentally undressing the female parishioners. Anyway, can I have $50,000?
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[The Simpsons] 9F13 - I upendo Lisa #421
Homer: Ah, sweet pity. Where would my upendo life have been without it?
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F17 - So It's Come To This #422
TV: The following is a public service announcement. Excessive alcohol consumption can cause liver damage and cancer of the rectum.
Homer: Mmmmm... beer...
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F20 - Marge In Chains #262
Homer: Marge, I'm going to miss wewe so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the chakula preparation.
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] AABF11 - I'm With Cupid #144
Homer: And ask yourselves, people. Who's to blame for all this?
Hibbert: Well, I guess we are.
Ned: Well, I do take Maude for granted.
Lenny: Oh, I've done some of that myself.
Homer: Will wewe stop it? It's easy to blame ourselves, but it's even easier to blame Apu. He's making us look bad!
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] AABF21 - Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner? #59
Guide: Welcome to the Springfield Shopper, established in 1883. The newspaper was founded kwa Johnny Newspaperseed, a 14 year-old boy who roamed America founding newspapers.
Homer: If he's so smart, how come he's dead?
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] BABF08 - The Mansion Family #276
Homer: Oh, why won’t anyone give me an award?
Lisa: wewe won a Grammy!
Homer: I mean an award that's worth winning.
Contributed kwa mark m
[The Simpsons] BABF22 - HOMR #66
Operator: For automated stock prices, please state the company name.
Homer: Animotion.
Operator: Animotion, up 1 1/2.
Homer: Yahoo!
Operator: Yahoo, up 6 1/4.
Homer: Huh? What is this crap?
Operator: fox, mbweha Broadcasting, down 8.
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[The Simpsons] BABF22 - HOMR #67
Scientist: We could perform a surgery and remove the crayon from your brain. It could vastly increase your brain power. au it could possibly kill you.
Homer: Hmm ... increase my killing power, eh?
Contributed kwa sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] CABF02 - The Computer Wore Menace Shoes #43
Homer: Um ... I guess I'll take that one.
Salesman: Well, do wewe need a paperweight? 'Cause if wewe buy that machine, that's all you're going to have, an expensive paperweight.
Homer: Well, a paperweight would be nice, but what I really need is a computer. How about that one? [points to another machine]
Salesman: That technology is three months old. Only suckers buy out-of-date machines. You're not a sucker, are wewe sir?
Homer: Heavens no!
Salesman: Oh good, because if wewe were, I'd have to ask wewe to leave the store.
Homer: I just need something to receive email.
Salesman: [whistles] You'll need a top-of-the-line machine for that. [shows Homer a machine] That's the same computer astronauts use to do their taxes.
Homer: I was an astronaut.
Salesman: Of course wewe were.
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[The Simpsons] CABF02 - The Computer Wore Menace Shoes #62
Homer: Who are you, and why are wewe holding me here? I want majibu now, au I want them eventually!
Contributed kwa sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] CABF04 - Homer Vs. Dignity #60
Homer: What should I do with all this dirty, ill-gotten money? I'd better throw it in the garbage.
Lisa: Well, there's lots of needy kids out there.
Homer: I see what you're saying. I need to buy a gun!
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF04 - Homer Vs. Dignity #61
Marge: Homer, we need to talk to a financial planner.
Homer: Financial panther, eh?
[imagining]
Banker: Mr. Simpson, you're a dollar overdrawn.
Homer: Get him, Sheba!
[a panther leaps onscreen and mauls the banker]
[back to reality] I'm on board.
Contributed kwa sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] CABF07 - Tennis The Menace #135
Lisa: Venus Simpson? You're replacing me?
Homer: Now Lisa, dumping's such a harsh word. Lets just say I'm replacing you.
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF16 - Children Of A Lesser Clod #143
Krusty: [About Homer] A man so generous, not recognizing him would make Santa Claus himself vomit with rage.
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[The Simpsons] CABF20 - Homer the Moe #40
Moe: ... and if anyone wants potato chips au anything fancy, tell him to go to Hell.
Homer: Can do. Now, don't wewe worry about a thing. [turns on a bia tap, spilling the bia onto the floor]
Moe: Hey, what are wewe doing? I gotta pay for that!
Homer: No, Moe, you've got it all wrong. People buy bia from you.
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF20 - Homer the Moe #41
Moe: Listen, I don't like you, wewe don't like me, but we both want to stop Homer from shooting a turkey.
Lisa: wewe don't like me? I like you.
Moe: wewe do? Then I like wewe too. Here, have a towelette.
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] DABF18 - Large Marge #114
Homer: I came out of the elephant's mouth, right? Because I already showered once today.
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[The Simpsons] EABF02 - Special Edna #115
Electric Car: Hello. I'm an electric car. I can't go very fast. au very far. And if wewe drive me, people will think you're gay.
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF10 - C.E. D'oh #280
Burns: Now a few zaidi details about this year's company picnic. It's at the plant, no chakula will be served, the only activity will be work, and the picnic is cancelled.
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[The Simpsons] EABF10 - C.E. D'oh #281
Lisa: What about wewe and mom?
Homer: Oh we'll be upstairs in the bedroom making love...ly rope ladders, in case there's a fire.
Bart: Oh, okay.
Homer: Children, so naive.
Bart: What?
Lisa: Who's naive?
Homer: I didn't say anything...so naive.
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF10 - C.E. D'oh #282
Female Associate: Homer, I'll go over the mwaka end profit forecast if you'll stop looking at my boobs.
Homer: No deal.
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[The Simpsons] EABF10 - C.E. D'oh #283
Homer: [reading from a book] Tip 1: Live each siku like it was your last. [sitting on a curb, sobbing] I don't wanna die! I'm so young!
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[The Simpsons] EABF15 - Brake My Wife, Please #279
Homer: Psst, bishop to Queen four.
Old Man: We're playing dominoes!
Homer: I alisema bishop to Queen four.
Old Man: Alright already... sheesh.
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF17 - Moe Baby Blues #277
Moe: "Alice in Wonderland", huh? This must be a takeoff on an "Alice in Underpants" movie I saw.
Contributed kwa gook nukem
[The Simpsons] EABF20 - The President Wore Pearls #192
Milhouse: And to think I was going to ask wewe to the dance!
Lisa: I would have gone with you..
Milhouse: Well, wewe still can!
Lisa: Well I don’t feel like it now.
Milhouse: Awww! That's cool. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF22 - The Regina Monologues #194
Lisa: Press the gray brick in the back of the fireplace.
Homer: Sweet freedom, here I... Owww!
Lisa: Put out the moto first!
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF22 - The Regina Monologues #195
Homer: America rules! Our Beatles are way better than your precious Rolling Stones!
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[The Simpsons] EABF22 - The Regina Monologues #196
Lisa: Why did wewe let him be his own barrister?
Marge: What difference could it make? He hit the friggin' Queen!
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[The Simpsons] EABF22 - The Regina Monologues #197
Homer: Yes, I've been jailed on six continents. All I have to do is kill a penguin.
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[The Simpsons] FABF05 - Diatribe of a Mad Housewife #199
Homer: Where to, Mac?
Comic Book Guy: For the third time, the hospital! You're an ambulance, not a taxi!
Homer: Hospital, eh? Wow, everyone is going there tonight.
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] FABF05 - Diatribe of a Mad Housewife #200
Marge: Homie, I finished my novel…
Homer: Wooh, typed.
Marge: It's really important that wewe read it and tell me what wewe think.
Homer: No problem. Aww 286 pages!
Marge: It's double spaced.
Homer: Woo hoo! I'm half-way through!
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] GABF02 - Homer and Ned's Hail Mary Pass #105
Homer: Yeah! wewe help me, and I in-turn am helped kwa you.
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[The Simpsons] GABF04 - There's Something About Marrying #132
Reverand Lovejoy: Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage is described in the Bible--
Homer: If wewe upendo the Bible so much, why don't wewe marry it? In fact, I now pronounce wewe and the Bible man and wife. And you're the wife!
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] GABF18 - The Bonfire Of The Manatees #134
Marge: I found a place where I'm needed.
Homer: You're needed at home!
Marge: And treated like I deserve.
Homer: [pause] You're needed at home!
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] HABF10 - Kiss Kiss, Bang Bangalore #68
Homer: This isn't India! Where's the chuo kikuu, chuo kikuu cha of Notre Dame and the Indy 500 and Wrigley Field and Dodger Dogs?!
Indian Woman: wewe ignorant American! wewe have confused India with Indiana, Indiana with Illinois, and the Cubs with the Dodgers!
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] HABF12 - Girls Just Wanna Have Sums #109
Marge: Do wewe really think that woman are mentally inferior?
Homer: Well, eh uh, honey wewe are just as smart as a man. Sometimes when I'm with wewe I feel like I'm doing it with a dude.
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[The Simpsons] HABF12 - Girls Just Wanna Have Sums #110
Marge: Women are as smart as men. Why, a woman invented Liquid Paper.
Homer: Well, wewe know what a man invented? Actual paper.
Contributed kwa sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] JABF18 - The Homer of Seville #241
Homer: That church service was so boring! I did a whole book of find-a-words.
Lisa: Dad, all wewe circled were the I's and A's.
Homer: Those are words.
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] JABF20 - He Loves to Fly and He D'ohs #239
Homer: Oh, what's the point of putting my socks on? I'd just have to take them off again a week later.
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] KABF11 - Any aliyopewa Sundance #112
Homer: I never wanted to be famous for being mean. I wanted to be famous for catching Santa Claus.
Contributed kwa funnytvquotes.com
