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posted by McDreamyluva
Here's the famous 'Best Divorce Letter' kwa Dan to Connie, pretty hilarious, definitely a must read! xD



Dear Connie,

I know the counselor alisema we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.

The siku wewe left, I swore I'd never talk to wewe again but that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first on to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always wewe who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride’s cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first songesha as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt.

This is what my moyo says "There's no one like you, Connie. I look for wewe in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close."

Two weeks zamani I met this girl at Flamingoes and brought her nyumbani with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19 with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. F***ing like wewe wouldn't believe and punda that just wouldn't quite. Every man's dream, right?

As I sat on the kitanda being blown kwa this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but wewe see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better moyo than my modestly attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique au her suttee shameless hunger; but something also, some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because wewe weren't there to watch. Do wewe know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do wewe remember Carol that singe mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped kwa last week with a pan of lasagna. She alisema she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later; but that's no the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the inayofuata thing wewe know we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, wewe know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight au her career and whether the kids can here us. And all of the sudden, she sports that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves and it's totally hot, but it makes e sad too because I can't help thinking "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday your sister drops kwa with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vickie’s just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she’s been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's aliyopewa me lots of good advice about wewe and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together. Connie, she really is.

So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bath and taking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as wewe and all I can do is think of how much she looks like wewe when wewe were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole oral thing, and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured wewe about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do wewe see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring all I can do is think of you? It's true Connie. In your moyo wewe must know it. Don't wewe think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If wewe feel the same please please please, let me know.

Otherwise, can wewe let me know where the f***ing remote is?

upendo Dan





link the link to the actual letter.
added by Booyahboy
posted by Bluekait
French Fries are deep fried in horse oil in France.

Kittens are born with blue eyes, but change when they get older.

People born in November are zaidi likely to become serial killers.

Everything wewe see is actually upside down and your brain just flips it around.

You can't actually multi-task.

Easily distracted people are the ones who are the most creative.

When a person appears in your dreams, that person misses you.

Music can lead teens to depression.

You are zaidi likely to dream when wewe are depressed.

Your odor is as unique as your fingerprint.

If wewe tear off paper from bottles, wewe are sexually...
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posted by FlufflyHands
Everyone is putting stuff up about Walmart, I was smart enough to think of CVS :D (I made these up on my own with no one elses help btw)

1. Resort the medicine aisle

2. Run around like an idiot until wewe are told to stop, once the person who stopped turns around do it again, repeat this process until your told to leave, then run out like an idiot

3. Go up to the cash register and tell the clerk that someone is "poaching" medicine, then run out of the store

4. Take the magazines wewe see and tear them to pieces, then go up to the front (were the cash register is) and throw the pieces up the air and...
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posted by OmegaLeader
(Found it on the internet thought it was pretty interesting.)

You call your victim and wewe want to confuse them. No laughing au anything, just a normal voice like someone would call you. Me and my Marafiki do this a lot.


Script:
You call the person...

Person: Hello?
You: Hello?
Person: Uh, hi. Who is this and what do wewe want?
You: What? Oh no no no no no! It is wewe who is calling me. Ok, so what did wewe need?
Person: No no I didn't call you. wewe called me. Wait, who is this??
You: NO! I didn't call you! wewe are the one who called me! Now i ask one zaidi time who are wewe and why did wewe call my at this...
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posted by awesomeblossom1
Here's some of my fave "I wasnt that drunk" jokes hope wewe like :)
"I wasn't that drunk"
"You saw a ginger girl eating blueberries and screamed 'No Foxface! Not the berries!'"
"You ran into Walmart and when wewe heard someone talking on the intercom, wewe fell to your knees and said, 'God has spoken!'"
"You grabbed my parakeet, threw it at my sisters piggy bank and yelled, 'ANGRY BIRDS!!!!!'"
"You told me to give wewe a ride nyumbani and the part was at your house"
"You asked your girlfriend if she was single"
"You gave a midget a uyoga and yelled 'GROW MARIO GROW!!!'"
"You were cutting open pineapples...
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1.people excpect wewe to be good all the time and stay the same

2.Your Marafiki get jelious when wewe hang with other people.


3.more people then wewe think hate wewe and think your stuck up.


4.If your a mean maarufu person people might ditch you.


5.People talk about wewe behind your back because your selfish and think your the best thing in the world.


6.The teachers know not to put wewe with your Marafiki because wewe talk to much.


7.You hang out with alot of people but zaidi then 90% of them are just hanging out with wewe because your popular.


8.If your a maarufu girl and wewe have had afew boyfriends some people will start calling wewe a slut.



9.If your a maarufu boy and wewe have had afew gilfriends people will think your a player.



10.if wewe had a good friend and then wewe became maarufu they might stop hanging out with wewe because they think there not good enough.
One may not promote a “horse tripping event”.

It is illegal for the owner of a bar to allow anyone inside to pretend to have sex with a buffalo.

Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed kwa the state.

Dogs must have a permit signed kwa the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three au zaidi on private property.

Oklahoma will not tolerate anyone taking a bite out of another’s hamburger.

It is against the law to read a comic book while operating a motor vehicle.

Whaling is illegal.

It is illegal to have the hind legs of farm wanyama in your boots.

Residents...
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posted by xxemogirl101xx
For people that hate stereotypes.


1. I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic

2. I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists.

3. I'm a NEGRO so I MUST carry a gun.

4. I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a ditz.

5. I'm JAMAICAN so I MUST smoke weed.

6. I'm HAITIAN so I MUST eat cat.

7. I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy.

8. I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS.

9. I'm a LESBIAN, so I MUST have a sex-tape.

10. I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist.

11. I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.

12. I'm a GAY RIGHTS SUPPORTER, so I WILL go to hell.

13. I'm an ATHEIEST, so I WILL go to hell

14. I don't have a RELIGION, so I MUST have no values...
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1. Turn to a stranger and sing a bila mpangilio song
2. When your on a floor someone wants to get off on make sure they don't get off
3. Say in a new jersey accent "I told my daughter not to give the dog coffee. What does she do? She gives the dog coffee! Now i've got a dead dog! A dumb daughter! And no coffee!"
4. If your with a friend, and there are zaidi people start a annoying conversation. (I did this one time and all the people in the elevator turned to me, someone even alisema shut up XD)
5. Pretend your driving in a car, and make motor sounds
6. Whisper into a strangers ear "I am a parol officer! Respect...
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1.Guys HATE sluts.(unless they are one themselves)

2."Hey are u busey?" au "Are wewe doing something later?" are two phrases to help prevent awkward silences.

3.Guys may be flirting around all siku long but before they go to sleep they always think of the girls they truely care about.

4. Before guys call u they reherse what they are about to say so that way they dont sound like a total looser. (But 9 times out of 10 they get nervous when u pick up the phone and forget it all)

5. Guys go CRAZY over a girls smile.

6.Guys will do anything just to get attention from wewe girls.

7.Guys hate it when u talk...
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posted by rAsberrStrarS
Kiss On The Lips-I upendo You
Kiss On The Ear-You Are Special
Kiss On The Nose-Laughter
Kiss On The Cheek-Friendship
Kiss On The Forehead-I Comfort You
Kiss On The Neck-I Want You
Kiss On The Shoulder-You Are Wonderful
Kiss Anywhere Else-Be Careful
Play Around With Hair-Can't Live Without You
Holding Hands-Happiness
Arms Around Waist-You Are Mine,I Need You
A Hug-I Care
Nibble On Ear-Start Warming
Smiling At Each Other-I Like You
Lifting Eyebrows/Wink-Flirtation
Looking Around-Hiding True Feelings
Tender Kiss On The Side Of Your Lips-You're Mine
Wetting Your Lips-Waiting For A Kiss
Tear Drop-I'm Losing You
Crying-I Lost wewe
 Miku and Kaito
Miku and Kaito
20. Miku Hatsune and Kaito from "VOCALOID" I know it's kinda cheating because there voice synthesizers but there still animated in some of there muziki videos! There so cute together I had to put them on here.

19. Gakupo and Rin from "VOCALOID" I know I just did it again. But I upendo them zaidi then Kaito and Miku so they have to be on this too and besides the only other guy is her twin brother and I don't like incest.
 Gakupo and Rin
Gakupo and Rin

18. Ion and Esther from "Trinity Blood" Oh god I upendo these two they start out hating each other then become close Marafiki au maybe more...I'd like to think so....
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posted by TDAPlayer158
link

60. Matthias
59. Thaddeus
58. Asia
57. Ananias
56. Syria
55. Ephesus
54. Esau
53. Mt. Zion
52. An-ti-och
51. King Nebuchadnezzar
50. Macedonia
49. Jacob
48. Moses
47. Judah
46. Abraham
45. Kerith
44. Sapphira
43. Ahab
42. Rehoboam
41. Jeroboam
40. Baasha
39. Mahar-shalal-hash-baz
38. Maale-akrabbim
37. Isaiah
36. Je'ho'sha'phat
35. Ahaziah
34. Queen Athaliah
33. Pastor Eric
32. Zechariah
31. Joel
30. Pastor Ian
29. Jeremiah
28. Brad
27. Abijah
26. Ahijah
25. Uzziah
24. Thessalonians
23. Jerusalem
22. Titus
21. Tabitha
20. Thaddeus
19. Pastor Kerry
18. Tirshatha
17. Dalmatia
16. Simon-Peter-Leaka-tepha-lika
15. Hezekiah
14. Barrabas
13. Tarpelites
12. Demetrius
11. Deuteronomy
10. Exodus
09. Leviticus
08. Ezekiel
07. Gethsemane
06. Mary
05. Gabriel
04. Matthew-Mark-Luke-Johnaliqua
03. Gettah Hepher
02. Kadesh Barnea
01. JESUS
not kwa me n thnx for readinnnnnnnnnn........♥♥

ll around us, everyday, there are two groups of people that many believe to be different. Not so! Teen-agers and Seniors have a lot in common. If it's accidentally putting their shoe on the wrong foot au putting their foot in their mouth, there are instances of conduct that are very similar in both groups.

For example:

Both groups like to hang out at fast chakula restaurants and shopping malls.

Both groups have developed their own "walk."

Both groups like to wear clothing that doesn't fit well.

Both groups seem to have questionable facial hair.

Both...
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posted by ilovepenguins
I didn't write this!


Sell used bus tickets. Claim they are for half the price.

Get on the bus, grinning widely. As soon as the bus begins to move, burst into song. When wewe arrive at the inayofuata stop, stop singing. Step off the bus backwards, still grinning widely.

If wewe are seated between two passengers, yawn loudly, strech, and put your arms around them.

Greet passengers with a big hug, handshake, smile and say ³Hi, call me Norman²

Put a leash on a friend and walk him/her onto the bus. Insist he/she is a dog and should go for half fare.

When arriving at your stop, do not push the button to...
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50 Fun things to do in a Grocery Store

1. Ask the produce manager if he happens to have any fresh Oompah Loompah fruit.

2. While holding a cantaloupe directly in front of your chest, squeeze it and smile dreamily.

3. Every time wewe turn the corner with your shopping cart, shout “Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!”

4. Go up to the manager and tell him au her that you’ve Lost your mommy.

5. While waiting in line at the checkout, juggle some lemons.

6. Tiptoe stealthily up and down the aisles – and around corners – with a magnifying glass.

7. While scratching frantically, ask the manager if he au she has anything...
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Ways to annoy people in Wal-Mart



Hilarious Ways to be annoying!















"Accidentally" get stuck in one of the frozen chakula doors. Give people strange looks and see if anyone helps wewe out.
Add really funny things to other peoples’ carts and watch them pay for it and see if they notice.
Around krisimasi time, start caroling. Ask for money from the listeners.
As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
Ask if wewe can buy a shopping cart.
Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
Ask Someone if they know were they sell little babies!...
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posted by Shelly_McShelly
Welcome to The Weakest Link.

Here is a very simple little test comprised of four maswali to determine the level of your intellect. Your majibu must be spontaneous and immediate, with no deliberating au wasting time.

And NO CHEATING. On your mark, set....GO!!!

1: wewe are competing in a race, and overtake the runner in sekunde place.
In which position are wewe now?

Answer:

If wewe answered that you're now coming first then you're completely wrong. wewe overtook the sekunde runner and took their place, therefore you're coming second.

For the inayofuata swali try not to be so dumb.

2 : If wewe overtake the last...
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posted by KitKitty12
(A/N) there is gayness, cussing, and sex


~Jason's POV~

I had just woke up tomorrow is Pax and im really excited.

I pulled off the covers and swung my legs over the side of the kitanda and stood up.

I'm going to Pax with Sky, Dawn, Husky, Jerome, And Deadlox, i was excited i'd never actually met them and tomorrow i would.

I grabbed a pair of clothes and a towel and hopped into the kuoga blasting my outro song Eclipse.

Five to ten dakika later i climbed out and pulled my clothes on and brushed my hair out.

"Daily routine..done" I muttered to myself staring at the mirror.

My phone rang, i quickly grabbed...
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