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1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks wewe To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your rubbish bin On Your dawati And Label It 'In.'

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks
Once Everyone is Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your cheques, Write 'For Smuggling Diamonds'

7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy.'

8. Don t use any punctuation...
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posted by lalaland101
every saa of every day, gamblers lose $696,000 in Las Vegas casinos

south africa fad: some boys in cape town have their upper teeth extracted to look cool

at last count, the U.S. had 612,020 fast chakula cooks and only 393,730 farm workers

sean connery and lionel richie both keep their oscars in the bathroom

a heated jawbreaker can explode when bitten into

studies onyesha that covering a wart with duct tape is zaidi effective than having a doctor remove it

your zaidi likely to die on your way to buy a lottery ticket then wewe winning the lottery

a glass bottle can take as long as 4,000 years to decompose

in...
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posted by misscrazel
                 Prologue
When I was young I heard that once, long ago, it was bright, the sun shined, children went outside to play. Now it's dark and foggy. No one goes outside. It seems it will never go back to the way it was. But people say it will. And maybe, thousands of years later it will. But right now, it's terrible, and I have the feeling it will get worse. Though I don't know quite how that is possible it's awful enough right now with all the smoke and fog. Not to mention the wars. Everyone is at peace now but soon I know they'll start again. 

Chapter one

Smoke filled the...
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posted by ruhani_noor
As I looked back on a seemingly unending journey I commenced years ago, I found myself in an ocean of memories. The days that I hurt the most, became my chanzo of strength for the cruel and real world. The days I laughed now seem like a distant dream and I no longer remember the faces of those who made me smile. The dreams that I chase has come this far and now I already see it as a part of my life. My dreams are daunting but are the only thing that keeps me going.
A lot of wewe may be wondering kwa now as to what this person here is even talking about... well it's just my escape from the reality that I am uandishi here. I am certainly not sad au depressed just someone who loves to upendo but don't know how to express letting others misunderstand. while the best thing about this site remains the secret of my identity.
Here are the rules for this one:Quiz Crazy Rule(QCR):For every swali wewe answer yes,subtract 3 years from your age now.For every swali wewe answer no,add a half.For example,if you're 13 and wewe answer yes for a question,you would subtract 3 years,leaving wewe at 10.See how simple?

1.When wewe see a kid jump off a small roof,you go ahead and do it too.
A.Yes B.No

2.You ask the man in front of wewe in line to pull your finger.He does...and it was NOT pretty.
A.Yes B.No.

3.When your mom refuses to let wewe go on the big swirly slide at the water park,you throw a tantrum.
A.Yeah I wanted to ride that thing!!!
B.No...but it looked fun!!:(

OK,tell me what wewe got in the comments!!!!
posted by hannah16
1. run in squares
2. chase a squirrel
3. go into walmart with a big stick and pretend to be blind
4. go up to some bila mpangilio old man and say, "grandpa, you're alive! it's a miracle!"
5. go up to someone and pull out a piece of their hair and yell, "DNA!"
6. blink wildly, then close your eyes for an amazing light show
7. see how long wewe can hold a not
8. use your secret mind power
9. pretend you're a robot
10. scratch yourself
11. rate passers by
12. repeat the same word over and over until it loses its meaning
13. pinch yourself
14. try and kumeza your tongue
15. pretend to be a car
16. make nyota trek door...
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posted by FanFun1010
One day. I was sound a asleep in my bed, snuggled up to the covers dreaming. Then all of a sudden water got poured of my face and I jumped out the kitanda half asleep like a maniac. All I could see was my brother standing with a red plastic cup in his hand. So I began to throw my fist at his face, yelling," WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!". Everyone could hear my voice 7 miles away, but no one gave a damn. Later in the afternoon My mom yelled at me and alisema "You need to get yo "A" and two double snakes to the store and buy some milk,eggs,flour and apple juice.I thought" what in mother's name can wewe make...
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posted by misscrazel
                     4
               Stephanie 
I ran into the bathroom. Dominic and Spencer were in the bright pink doorway. 
Belinda was on the floor. Scarlet was watching Spencer. Spencer was crying. Wait. Spencer was crying. Wow. I think he's sick. Spencer's always smiling stupidly and talking about stupid things in a stupid voice. Not crying. Spencer has never cried. I'm his sister so I would know. I walked over. Spencer was hugging Dominic. My face flushed with anger. Spencer was my brother, not Dominic's. 
"Spencer," I said. "She's gonna like you." 
Spencer wiped away a tear. I got him a tissue and splashed water on his face. He was going to get detention. Oh well. He doesn't care anyway. 
i was bored and decided to talk to cleverbot and well.....here's the results

Me: hi

Cleverbot: where the h*ll have wewe been!?!?

Me: nice to see wewe too, so are wewe human au robot

CB: human you're a f*g robot with no d*mn life and wewe want to stalk little kids and r*ape them

Me: so many thing wrong with that XD

Cb: what's wrong with it? -.-

Me: well im human for one, if i were a robot i wouldn't be able to stalk little little kids and r*ape them now would i?

Cb: Shut up -.-

Me: No! you.

Cb: I'll eat your hand!!

me: wth! o.0

Cb: yeah! you'll run nyumbani and be like "mommy my hand! my hand! it's was eaten!"...
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posted by KatiiCullen94
Beg for a Playstation 3 every time wewe with her while withdrawing money
Borrow her panties. Tell her about it a week later. Make sure to tell her that you’re sorry, for added effect.
Play Thunderhorse on guitar, gitaa Hero. Forever. Only Thunderhorse.
Lick her nose. When she tells wewe to stop, promise to do so, but do it anyway. It’s okay. It was just a white lie.
Flirt with anything with two legs. Make sure to make obvious glances to your girlfriend while wewe do. Speak with hushed whispers.
Invite her to a movie. When she shows up, tell her wewe changed your mind and would rather go visit your...
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posted by deathroman13
Everyone knows, shit happens everywhere

Confucianism
Confucius says: “Shit happens”.
Buddhism
If shit happens, it is not really shit.
Zen Buddhism
Shit is, and is not.
Hinduism
This shit happened before.
Shintoism
This shit happens everywhere.
Judaism
Why does this shit always happen to us?
Christianity
Shit happens to sinners.
Islam
Shit happens if it is the will of God.
Astrology
Shit is written in the stars.
Catholicism
If shit happens, wewe deserve it.
Protestantism
Shit happens, so let 's make it worthwhile.
Lutheranism
When shit happens, change the subject.
Calvinism
Shit happens because wewe don't work hard...
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Dear Noah, We could've sworn wewe alisema the ark wasn't leaving until 5. Sincerely, the Unicorns.

---

Airlines have banned passengers from taking tweezers on board... Anybody who can hijack a plane using a set of tweezers deserves the freakin plane.

---

The guy who puts down mbwa at animal shelters must not get alot of women. "And what do wewe do for a living?" "...I kill puppies."

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Do wewe know what happens to 100% of people who eat carrots? THEY DIE.

---

The worst time to have a moyo attack is during a game of charades.

---

You cannot bring sexy back without a receipt.

---

"Want to play the rape game?"...
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posted by nessienjake
Haha I read this (from my email)
And I thought of sharing it with wewe guys :D


...


Advantages Of Being A Woman
Why it's better to be a Woman!


1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character au the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxi's stop...
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posted by misscrazel
I am the boy who never finished high school because I got called a fag everyday.

I am the girl who was kicked out of her nyumbani because I confided in my mother I was a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because no one will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who held her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled night.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in a hospital because they would not let my partner of 27 years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away...
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As an introductory note, none of this is directed at anyone in particular. It's just based on what I've seen here and elsewhere. I don't wanna start any shit; this is just kinda my two cents about etiquette.l

My opinion pretty much revolves around one policy: don't be an asshole.

Don't be a grammar nazi. Yeah it's annoying when people can't spell au fuck up punctuation but honestly, so what? Unless they made an honest mistake, wewe being uptight about spelling and grammar isn't going to change how someone types (any grammar nazi would know this from experience). What do wewe gain, anyway, from...
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(This is a new series where I negatively review classic stories. And yes, I do like this story and I will like all the others I will do in the future, but I just thought this was a fun idea so... There wewe go.)

So I'm pretty sure kwa now we all know this story. It's a timeless tale of adventure, and has a very important moral at the end. This story focuses on 3 pigs building houses to protect themselves from a mbwa mwitu and taught kids that time and effort equals success. :)

BUT SINCE I'M A NITPICKING DOUCHE-BAG WHO DOESN'T APPRECIATE SHIT, I'm going to criticize this story as much as I can, pointing...
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posted by eslisle4254
My name is Chris
I am three
I cannot see,
I must be stupid
I must be bad,
What else could have made
My daddy so mad?
I wish I were better
I wish I weren't ugly,
Then maybe my mommy
Would still want to hug me.
I cant do a wrong
I cant speak at all
Or else im locked up
All siku long.
When im awake im all alone
The house is dark
My folks arent nyumbani
When my mommy does come nyumbani
I'll try and be nice,
So maybe ill just get
One whipping tonight.
I just heard a car
My daddy is back
From Chariles bar.
I hear him curse
My name is called
I press myself
Against the ukuta
I try to hide
From his evil eyes...
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posted by Feathershine
Listen for this, I would absolutely upendo this if this happened to me! I know, imma girl :D!
1. Call her cute and lovable, not sexy! Girls don't want to be called sexy, it makes them think that boys are only thinking about your body, and Girls hate that!
2. Get her phone number, and text her a lot. Nobody's ever done this with me! But I would feel super special if a boy did that
3. Talk to them a lot. A boy in a class, talked to me a lot last mwaka and science and made me laugh. Do that!
4. Be nice, and don't be mean. If your mean to her, au wewe just don't talk to her. I encourage wewe to stop being...
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posted by wildchild_rids1
most stupid maswali ppl ask in most obvios situations

a fat lady steps on my feet
fat lady : sorry , did that hurt ?
me : no i'm on local anesthesia ... wud u mind trying again ?

a frnd sees me At the sinema and asks
friend : what r u doing here ?
me : i sell black tickets wewe did'nt know ?

i get a new haircut
friend : u got a new hair cut ?
me : no it's autummn my hair's shedding

A friend calls me at midnight and says
friend : sorry , were wewe sleeping ?
me : no I was doing a research on why humans have 2 legs

(my inayopendelewa )

A friend calls on my landline and asks
friend : where r wewe ?
me : i'm in the market with the telephone around my neck !!!

ROFL

hope u like it dont forget to maoni
posted by Jasonfan44
It's an iPod app.

1. Men are 6 times zaidi likely to get struck kwa lightning then women

2. On average, adults watch double the amount of TV as teenagers do

3. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA".

4. At the height of its power(400 BCE) the Greek city of Sparta had 500,000 slaves and only 25,000 citizens

5. The state of Florida is bigger than England

6. Approximate number of facial expressions mbwa can make: 100

7. A konokono can sleep for 3 years

8. It is illegal for tourists to enter Mexico with zaidi than 2 CD's

9. Muhammad is the most common first name in the world...
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