bila mpangilio A foramu For Mental Health, Depression, Suicide, Anxiety, and Abuse, etc; Both Advice and Rants

Riku114 posted on Jan 13, 2018 at 04:47AM
US National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

This is partially thought of by the wall post thing going on earlier that I couldnt be bothered to ask, but I found that a lot of Fanpop users struggle with mental health, depression, and suicidal ideation.

I figured Id make this forum for anyone who wants to be on it and wants support.

If you are having a hard time and are willing to talk about it here for people to see and reply to, please do so.

Mental health and depression is a common thing people go through and being part of a small community with it can always do some good.

However, a few rules

1) Try not to be a dick - even if you hate the person or anything. While I hate the term, it would be best to keep this a "safe space" perse as to keep the environment comfortable, accepting, and safe.

2) Try to be respectful and understanding.

3) If this forum gets out of hand and becomes more toxic than helpful, I will quickly delete this possibly without notice.
last edited on Jan 23, 2018 at 05:18AM

bila mpangilio 48 majibu

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miezi 6 iliyopita Riku114 said…
I also figured this would be nice after the good few times I have seen people mentioning them considering killing themselves on here.
miezi 6 iliyopita zanhar1 said…
This is a good idea. We need this type of place for people to vent/reach out.
I was actually kind of thinking about something like this. There are so many people on this site who I genuinely care for and its hard hearing that they are struggling. It's awful not being able to do anything; it's like you want to be there for the person but if you post your address and shit you'll get some weirdo (probably me) showing up at your door and raiding your fridge or something. So that's a no go lol. Support is always good.
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miezi 6 iliyopita Riku114 said…
Yeah XD I talk about it a lot on my club and all since Im REALLY open about my journey and struggle with mental health and all but I dont mention it enough here.

Honeslty I dont really feel too odd about making this either cos of how surrounded I am by stuff like this and how openly I talk about my own stuff.

I like to kind of think of myself as a bit of an advocate for stuff like this and really prefer to spread the community and support as much as I can.

Cos honestly I had quite a trip with depression, anxiety, OCD, and a good few other things and I am on a REALLY good track to recovery as for the past few months and that good track has really only heightened my will to share more honestly.

Cos success stories do happen, good endings do occur, bad times and bad mental states are NOT permanent and as someone who has had periods where I was highly suicidal (but never actually got to the point of doing it) for a goof like two or three months straight with very like only four days that I only barely thought about it, I kind of like to get it out there that there is always a way whether it can be easily seen or not.

But Ive been dealing with mental health literally since before I could remember and with things getting better against my expectations and beliefs, its just kind of something I feel like both advocating for, supporting, and sharing.
miezi 6 iliyopita Zeppie said…
Nice idea Riku. I might share some bits when I'm on my tablet
miezi 6 iliyopita BlindBandit92 said…
This is a very good idea. Thumbs up.
miezi 6 iliyopita TheLefteris24 said…
That is a nice idea indeed. Provided people are actually willing to open up, a Thread like this could do a lot. Whatever your case might be, you don't lose nothing from sharing. I believe it is pretty clear at this point that most here have their own dealings to go through. I have my own as well. Some that I might already have mentioned and others, not so much. Paying heed to the experiences of others can go a long way. It is just like it got mentioned above. Success stories do happen and a bad mental state is not permanent. That is something that I have come to realize myself through quite a few struggles. The same could be done for others. I'll probably share some from these experiences of mine later as well !!!!
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miezi 6 iliyopita BlindBandit92 said…
As much as I think this is a good idea. I won't be sharing issues that bother me on this forum as I feel they are private and I do not want anyone to use it against me. But I do strongly approve of this forum riku.

And thus I won't be here really contributing as I want to make sure I don't contribute to accidentally making this forum toxic and I want this to be an absolute safe place.
last edited miezi 6 iliyopita
miezi 6 iliyopita Riku114 said…
^Coolio. Come by if you ever need anything or need to rant, even though I do know you are the type to keep it more to yourself.
miezi 6 iliyopita BlindBandit92 said…
I appreciate the offer but I won't come by to rant as I am very insensitive sometimes when angry and thus will invalidate my wish to keep it safe. I need to not have any influence on this forum. The second I cuss/etc someone out because I don't keep my cool in a time of weakness is the time I cause this forum to be toxic. I rather deal with it myself (or if I really need help talk to you or other friends) I rather not jeopardize this forum in anyway as I feel this is very important. And when I think something is very important I try my best to abide by my beliefs.
miezi 6 iliyopita zanhar1 said…
NGL a good many of my issues are privet like Blind's and I keep a lot of it to myself save for PM's. But I'm hear to listen. I think if anyone should have made this forum it should have been you, Riku. You seem to have a lot of experience with it first hand and that can help a lot. I kind of just go in with a very vague sense of understanding and hope for the best when trying to help someone; especially IRL because I'm a play it off with humor kind of person. And that's not always what people need.
miezi 6 iliyopita Riku114 said…
^Yeah, a lot of my friends online have issues with mental health and Ive gotten suicide notes before. Plus both my older sisters have / had issues with it - one actually attempted, one almost attempted but was talked out of it by her friend. I am dating someone who held a knife to his chest when it was like... nine. And a few irl friends who have told me their issues. Then theres my own personal experience with all it in my life.

So depression, mental health, anxiety, suicide, abuse, loneliness, bullying, etc are a lot of situations Im wayy too familiar with.

Quite honestly, I dont really care if people actually share it on here, since I know its hard to share stuff publically and all, but if it becomes easier to see the people who are open to hearing people's issues and just to give the idea that people arent alone then my work here has been done.

At the very least, it gives a forum of people who say they are open to listening and perhaps could bring some PMs or discussion going in private at the very least.
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miezi 6 iliyopita Riku114 said…
@Blind Alright then. Feel free to keep my inbox in the case you ever need to talk however
miezi 6 iliyopita Mauserfan1910 said…
I want to post a rant. Okay, so I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I would like to think I do a pretty okay job of managing myself, but I also know that a lot of my personality flaws stem from that, and without it then maybe I would be half as perfect as I think I am.
But anyway, disorders really don't get the respect they deserve. It's not at all uncommon for someone with autism, depression, bipolar disorder, and shit like that to just get blown off. "Oh, you're depressed? Well, just be happy and get over it." "You're autistic, well why don't you just get out more and/or try this alternative medicine thing?" Quotes like that are far too common.
But we people with personality disorders, we don't get awareness groups who are trying to change that. Our disorder is reduced to fucking movie plots. "Look at this character, he's the bad guy with psychopathy, that means he's like not human and just an unfeeling beast who only wants to murder." We've all seen movies or books or shit like that. That makes me want to beat the shit out of somebody. It's bad enough that reducing a character down to just a mental disorder without giving a backstory or anything is lazy writing, but to act like people with personality disorders aren't human, or don't have feelings makes me mad enough that I want to murder somebody.
We aren't horror plot devices, we aren't monsters, we aren't bad people, we're different and still want to be accepted.
Mauserfan1910 commented…
I don't mean to say not to use personality disorders in character design, I just mean to say uigizaji like a personality disorder = badguy is destructive and hurtful. miezi 6 iliyopita
Zeppie commented…
I don't mind the inclusion of personality disorders in sinema however I do agree they're zaidi often than not misinterpreted and played out as being negative and for the 'bad guy'. Like the movie Split. I do actually like that movie. But when wewe sit back and look at it, they literally make the dude a monster. A literal monster born from multiple personalities. That's a bit fked when wewe give it a sekunde thought. miezi 6 iliyopita
2ntyoneplts commented…
So true miezi 2 iliyopita
miezi 6 iliyopita Zeppie said…
I'm going to make my first proper post some advice that helped me personally. I highly recommend it to anyone going through a tough time.

Different things work for different people. Some find therapy works. Some swear by medication. And some might not know what to do. The the only, ONLY, thing that worked for me was exercise and I can't recommend it enough.

If it's in your budget, join a gym. Take advantage of free classes and personal training deals because I know I didn't have the motivation to do it on my own. Exercise can be tailored to suit your needs. I personally can't partake in much cardio because of a health condition so I started lifting and doing bodyweight exercises and I've never felt better in my life. Depending on where you live, if you are seeing a doctor because of mental illness, I believe you can get small funding for ongoing gym payments. A few dollars but it adds up.

I was at a stage where frankly, I thought about killing myself over 100 times a day. It never left my mind. All my mind did while I was going about daily life was notice things around me and think of ways it could be used to aid my suicide. Whenever I drove my mind just automatically thought of scenarios where I'd drive into a pole or drive off a bridge. I couldn't turn it off. It truly drove me insane. I had thoughts occasionally since high school but it didn't really kick in until the full year of 2016.

Therapy was a no-go because I had a bad experience with my therapist that put me off the process (although I wont stop people from using this method, it just didn't work out for me.) I had a severe reaction to medication because of my heart so I couldn't take it. I struggled talking to friends and family. I was stuck, so my parents and brother pitched in to get me a gym membership.

I hated the gym when I started. My anxiety kept screwing me over with all the people there. I was sore for weeks because my muscles weren't used to activity. But eventually, the gym became the one thing that was actually distracting my mind from those thoughts. All I could think about was when the next time would be that I could go to the gym and better my results from my previous training. I could visibly see my progress, I felt stronger physically and in a way made me feel like because I was pushing myself to get physically stronger, I was also getting mentally stronger because of goals and perseverance. It was the first time in far too long where I actually felt proud of myself and that I was finally not being useless.

Focusing on the gym is both a form of distraction, which everyone going through depression needs. But it's also building a healthier body, and in turn, a healthier mind. It's a true dedication game, you need to stick it out for the first months but trust... if you want to better yourself and help your mind, you need to help your body. All those endorphins released from working out is no joke. After time you notice gym regulars, and end up making some friends people of all ages, it's kind of nice. Even just a hello from regulars is a mood booster.

After the gym I started attracting good things in my life because I was feeling better about myself. I felt more confident in my body, I was eating better, I created goals that always get updated to forever distract, people started actually talking to me because I didn't look as sad and unapproachable anymore... I found my incredible partner, I gained the confidence to leave the house outside of the gym (I was agoraphobic for 2016), just started...living life, outside of online.

I know I've typed a bit... but I just hope this idea can help someone. I can't stress the important of exercise regarding mental illness. A healthy body and routine is the foundation for a healthy mind. This might be a somewhat preachy post lol, but I just truly hope people struggling give working out a shot.
Riku114 commented…
I can sekunde this. I picked up exercise a lot during one of my harder times and it helped a lot. It was one of my ways of clearing my mind a lot when I needed to escape my house and easily calmed me down. It helps with high anxiety states - at least for me it did. miezi 6 iliyopita
Mauserfan1910 commented…
I agree. I've never set foot in a gym, but working on the ranch is very therapeutic. Some days, I'm fixing fences, others I might be taking care of one of the boys, au others I might be feeding baby cattle. Still, it's what makes not killing myself a lot easier miezi 6 iliyopita
TheLefteris24 commented…
I agree as well. From personal experience, I find that post to be pretty relatable. It is kinda ironic how exercising is the real break here. I have found it to be pretty relieving compared to the hardships of life but also helping seeing the later from other angles. "A healthy mind in a healthy body" really applies !!!! miezi 6 iliyopita
applebear123 commented…
nice one!!! i really need some effective exercise!! miezi 6 iliyopita
miezi 6 iliyopita applebear123 said…
even the small things depresses me easily! i just get a sudden strong urge to cry then and there but i try my best to control them and try not to cry in front of anyone...... even if i feel someone is rude to me, i get depressed and ends up spoiling my whole day....it just pains a lot....even a small scolding from my family members brings me to tears....
im not exaggerating it......i just cant help it! :(
Mauserfan1910 commented…
You're not alone. That happens to me a lot zaidi than I would like to admit. miezi 6 iliyopita
applebear123 commented…
thank wewe sooo much guysss!!!!! ^^ miezi 6 iliyopita
disnerdtobe commented…
me too. i get really triggered even kwa super minor things. miezi 6 iliyopita
miezi 6 iliyopita KataraLover said…
I'm starting the new semester of college (I was supposed to have gone yesterday, but there was a snow day yesterday and today) and I'm feeling absolutely overwhelmed with everything! Blackboard (An online thing for college, in case someone doesn't know) is acting weird and won't let me sign on and I have homework that requires me to be on Blackboard for that class in order to get it done. Today I was catching up on some work the teachers gave us so we don't fall too far behind and I didn't have the energy to make myself lunch until about 5:30. I had planned on taking a shower this morning but I didn't because I didn't have the energy or motivation to do it. I had to try and force myself to at least have enough energy to brush my teeth and put on deodorant. I've been needing to send some documents to the place that gives me disability for school and to make an appointment with my therapist that I haven't seen since late summer. I just don't seem to have any energy to make the effort for much of anything and I just get so nervous talking to people and making phone calls.

I keep on realizing that as I keep on living that all the stress in life is never going to end until I am dead. I'm also close to graduating and I don't have a plan to get where I want to go. I want to work at Disney making movies as a writer and director but I don't have enough experience. It took me until last semester to finally have the guts to audition for a play at my college and I didn't get a part. I was so embarrassed that I had absolutely no acting experience to put down on my audition sheet. Because I'm so shy and nervous, I wasted time I could've used auditioning for other plays at my college and it's too late for me to get any experience in that. My only real credit is that I directed a 10-minute play for my directing class.

I have nothing else as a credit to my name for a serious resume, I'm just a nothing with dreams that are too big for me to accomplish, I have no plan on what to do, and I'm going to end up not just being a housekeeper at a hospital (A job that I DESPISE) for the summer but soon for the rest of my life. I might as well have just never even existed and it wouldn't have made an important difference in anyone's life. I don't plan on committing suicide, though I have those thoughts, because my older drug addict brother killed himself in jail. That hurt my family A LOT and I don't wanna put them through that again. But very few people outside of my family would care if I died and if I never existed it wouldn't have made a difference in anyone's life. I'm just so emotional right now and am NOT looking forward to classes tomorrow! I just feel like crawling under my bedsheets and waiting for death.
Riku114 commented…
That sounds absolutely horrible man, my condolences. I have to ask though, have wewe looked into getting prescribed medication for your depression? Its often stigmatized, but Ive heard it help a lot of people and anxiety medication has helped my life quite a bit since medication lessens the symptoms of things like anxiety and depression and makes the push to actually get wewe out of kitanda and do things wewe otherwise wouldnt be able to find yourself able to do and ultimately help therapy work more. As for about your therapist, I really feel wewe there. I recently ended a six mwezi period of having no therapy and it was horrible so good luck with that and I really do hope wewe can get in contact with your therapist again. miezi 6 iliyopita
zanhar1 commented…
Honestly I can relate to a good lot of this. Sometimes I feel like I'm gonna be stuck in retail hell forever. I want to be a published mwandishi and things like that are hard to achieve. But there are so many people in the same mashua as wewe so don't feel like you're worthless. It isn't you; it's hard out there. I guess wewe just have to start small wewe know? wewe might have to try uandishi for other places and then work your way up to Disney. Big dreams are never bad to have, they keep wewe ready to improve until wewe can achieve them. And wewe know what; even if wewe don't get there, if wewe can achieve something along the way, that's still worth while. miezi 6 iliyopita
Zeppie commented…
I relate man, you're not alone. Don't feel burdened kwa the fact wewe don't know where your life is headed career-wise. Few people have it sussed, even fewer people stick with their plans and succeed. It's hard. I graduated chuo kikuu, chuo kikuu cha 2 years zamani and still haven't been able to find a job in relation to my degree. Partly because of job market and partly because of mental and physical health. Just do your best. Knowing that wewe have tried the best wewe can do is a weight lifted off the shoulders. Big dreams are great for starry eyed kids and teenagers but reality kicks in from the 20s. Doesn't mean give up, but it means baby steps to reach a place you're happy with. miezi 5 iliyopita
miezi 6 iliyopita Riku114 said…
Note: I editted the title to be more specific on the things I could easily respond to and that are also common issues for most people. I also added the "etc" because I realized it sounded exclusive to mental health issues not revolving those listed in the title
miezi 6 iliyopita Riku114 said…
I personally find that finding people with similar issues to you to support, talk about, and validate your experiences is one of the most helpful things when it comes to mental health. Having someone else who hasnt experienced it being supportive is nice, but having a HEALTHY friend with a similar experience helps a lot more cos it makes you feel less insane - at least from my experience.

Cause from my experience, Ive felt, on many occasions, I was simply loosing my mind and all the explanations from my therapist sounded like a whole bunch of invalid on-the-spot excuses for my behavior until I came around to have a friend that went through similar stuff and we are just like "SHIT DOOD. YOU TOO?" and it all just seems a lot more acceptable, normal, and managable.
TheLefteris24 commented…
^ I can attest to that. Anyone can give advice on a matter. Speaking from personal experience has a different kind of influence altogether !!!! miezi 6 iliyopita
miezi 6 iliyopita Riku114 said…
Trying to talk about trauma and be open about it when your brain wont properly accept that such a thing happened is probably one of the shittiest details of it. Personally it doesnt bother me, but the part of me that likes to play as if Ive completely recovered it doesnt like it that I cant directly say that Ive experienced what I did in a very straight and matter of fact way without feeling like Im lying or anything.

In fact, this whole post here was pretty much tailored so that I didnt have to say it otherwise it would all be deleted before I could even get to the enter button tbh.

And trying to pry through the denial is just straight out of the question since that pretty much is asking for an anxiety attack. *scratches head* Ill live honestly and might talk it over with my therapist on Tuesday or whatever.

Mostly also kind of replying to this to keep this forum relatively high up in the forums list.
TheLefteris24 commented…
Talking it over with your therapist seems like the best course of action. Everyone needs their time so no need to force it out right now. There are people willing to hear wewe out when wewe feel ready. wewe know that my kasha pokezi is always open as well in case wewe ever feel the need !!!! miezi 6 iliyopita
miezi 5 iliyopita Riku114 said…
*sharing it*
 *sharing it*
2ntyoneplts commented…
Wow. That’s.... wow. Maybe I’m stronger than I thought miezi 2 iliyopita
miezi 5 iliyopita Mauserfan1910 said…
Okay, maybe I should have done it sooner, but maybe I shouldn't have done it at all. Today I tried to look up things to know on how to be a mother while coping with Borderline Personality Disorder. I got nothing, or rather, getting nothing at all might have been a better result.
What I got was a bunch of articles on how to cope with, or even recover from a borderline mother. I get that when untreated, BPD can have negative effects on the people around you. Many of you on fanpop have seen even my own explosive behavior, but all of the resources paint the borderline mother like some kind of evil villain, and there is no help for anyone who might want to be a mother.
But you know what, maybe those fucking sons of bitches who wrote the articles shouldnt have kids, they dont fucking think about how their damn articles effect people like me and how it can hurt to see how society really views you, society is the problem, not me, society is evil, im fine

seriously considering not having kids
TheLefteris24 commented…
wewe have told me that having kids is one big desire of yours. I wouldn't recommend giving up on that. Society has always been coming to see anything different as ''evil.'' Hence, why wewe need to serve as proof of how misguided its ways are. It is not that I can't relate with you. Do not get discouraged. Actively seek help on that matter and I am sure wewe will receive it. When it comes to subjects like these, a simple tafuta on the Internet means nothing. Talk it over with those close to you, others with similar experiences and also with a specialist most of all. Generalization will always exist but it is our very own choice if we will abide kwa it au not. wewe have a long way ahead of you. Good things come to those who persist. I believe that wewe can work your way around being a parent just fine with proper guidance !!!! miezi 5 iliyopita
Mauserfan1910 commented…
I've thought about asking my mom, but that would be a terrible idea because my mom is a bitch, and probably also proof that I shouldnt have kids miezi 5 iliyopita
Mauserfan1910 commented…
Yeah, I'm both taking anti depressants and seeing a personality disorder specialist once a week, so I've got it treated, but I just grew up with a terrible mother who was also borderline and I don't think I could live with myself if I brought children into this world and treated them the same way my mother did me miezi 5 iliyopita
miezi 5 iliyopita TheLefteris24 said…
Welp, I guess it is time for me to join the party as well. Instead of starting with a success story like I mentioned, I would like to post a rant of mine first actually. It is something that has been bothering me for quite a while and since the opportunity presented itself, letting it out in this Forum seems like the best thing to do. Not that a weight like that can go away anytime soon but sharing it certainly feels like some sort of progress as awkward as it might be.

It has to do with a certain emptiness I feel inside me. The kind of feeling that has been burdening me for years. My childhood wasn't really carefree due to various circumstances that I'm probably going to mention in another post because they are mostly connected with my Success Stories. What I would like to bring up at the moment are after-effects that still linger around. Anyway, due to those various circumstances that I have mentioned, I used to be pretty enclosed to myself. I wasn't really social and had a pretty hard time approaching others. If I did, my awkwardness made things worse. There were a lot of times where I had been misunderstood, stigmatized, made fun of, denied and abused in overall because of certain aspects which were differentiating me from the rest. Many relationships that I had formed ended up pretty badly as they were mostly turning out to be fake. There was a point where I had grown sick of interacting with people. I just wanted to vanish from existence. Since I wasn't able to do that, I chose to wait for Nature to take its course. I just wanted to abandon everything. Throw it all away. Not caring about anything. I hated the fact that I had emotions and how pathetic these were making me. Why I continued being considerate, sympathetic and positive to others when I was receiving the exact opposite in the end? It was like a natural reaction and it really tormented me. I used to live like a shut-in. Going to school for a few hours only to return and lock myself in my room for the rest of the day. That is how earlier years were passing by. Fortunately, my Family was there for me. It took a lot of effort to reach the point I find myself now. I received help and made major improvements one way or another. I started socializing more, taking part in various activities that helped me grow even further and established some solid bonds. The difference between the me of the present and the me of the past is vast. One thing that remains however, is the aforementioned emptiness inside. It concerns Human relations. I can't deny that I still have the fear of the past repeating itself and them turning out to be futile. Do I really know how true friendship is supposed to feel like? Can I actually reach out to others and have a mutual understanding with them? Do people really feel relating to me? Are people only nice to me just for the sake of making it seem like that? Why would a person characterize me as being ''Awesome'' when I certainly do not feel like that? Would others really notice if I was gone? Perhaps, I will come out as boring or end up being betrayed again if I let my guard down. I feel being completely alone and that this is something that will never change. Even if I'm surrounded by quite a few people, it is like they can't understand me at all in the end. While I know that this does not hold true in many cases, these kind of worries are still rooted inside me because of all the negativity I have already experienced. I'm working on it just like with other issues of mine and try not to let my stress or depression take over me. I still have a way to go though. As I am prone to mood swings, I can't help but get pretty depressive and then turn back to being pretty optimistic in a matter of minutes. Life can be really tiring regardless of what you do with it and could also prove to be pointless in the end but that's just one more reason why you should make the most of it, I guess.

It is not something that I usually mention to others but I don't see the reason to hide it either. Gotta confront one's past and come to terms with it. Only then you can move past it. I could mention more but that's the gist of things for now, pretty much. !!!!
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Mauserfan1910 commented…
dood same miezi 5 iliyopita
2ntyoneplts commented…
Ouch. Very close to my moyo there Fren. miezi 2 iliyopita
TheLefteris24 commented…
^ I can imagine !!!! miezi 2 iliyopita
miezi 5 iliyopita Riku114 said…
Personally, Im not the type that needs a diagnosis to feel special or anything. I dont NEED a diagnosis title or anything, but quite honestly, with a lot of my dysfunction with people, my emotional capability, snaps, dissociation, and history with trauma, there is a lot that isnt covered by my current diagnosises and actually having them could help me feel less insane or as much of a faker as I can feel like when Im in a bad mental state.

Because without one my mind occasionally likes to assume that Im not anymore broken than the average person and have no excuse for it. Because I have GAD and OCD diagnosed, but that leaves way too much of my largest symptoms unnamed.

And I know the title isnt whats important and Im pretty sure my therapist / psychiatrist avoid it since my OCD (thats mostly Pure-O in nature) sometimes clings onto stuff like that, but honestly a diagnosis would be nice to validate my experiences and to better and properly understand it. But at the same time I might not fit into one or anything or really be diagnosable so I accept not getting one.

But it would be nice if I had one and could get one.
Riku114 commented…
That being alisema GAD and OCD do explain a good portion of it. Ive managed to get my OCD pretty well under control I think and my GAD I think is being handled really well with medication but I dunno. miezi 5 iliyopita
miezi 5 iliyopita Mauserfan1910 said…
If you ever want to see a grown man in a mechanic's jumpsuit crying on his knees, should have been in the hospital a couple of days ago.
Why? Well, that grown man overcame something huge in his life, he got me knocked up.

I'm posting something here on behalf of my husband, Carlos Kilroy. He has an Autism spectrum disorder, Asperger's syndrome. I know at least a few of you have heard of it

The thing about growing up with an autism spectrum disorder is, partially due to oversimplifications of the truth, partially due to prejudice, but you grow up being told that you would never be a functional adult. The predictions vary, some say you will never have a steady job, others say you will never have a wife, others say you will never have children.
My husband got his current job as a mechanic at 19 working for a small independent shop here in town. Now he is one of the most valuable workers there, with skills from everything from automatic transmissions, to bodywork. He isn't the most skilled at any one thing, but he can do anything related to fixing cars. It reminds me of the days when I used to watch him and my bothers restore old trucks for fun, I knew I loved him even then.
We got married, and I immediately felt bad for him, forever stuck with a bitch and a slut like me. Who could love someone like me? He does, because my husband is exactly the kind of person who sees the best in people no matter what, even to a fault, and that is why I will always need him, nobody else complements me like he does, nobody else sees the smart, beautiful, hard working, and caring Enya that he does. I think he's delusional, but that's what he sees.
Well, I learned a couple of days ago that I'm pregnant, and I'm scared as fuck, this isn't a small deal, not just for the fact that I'm starting a family, but also for the fact that I'm going to officially be a mother, and that has always been my biggest life's dream. Being next in line to inherit my father's ranch is cool, having a kick ass F-100 is cool, but being a mother has always been dream number one. My husband shared that sentiment, except unlike me, he was brought up being told he would never have a family, but all in one hospital visit, everyone was wrong, and the same asperger's syndrome that everyone told him would rule his life, had been conquered. He won, and that is the final proof that he had finally overcome that one last final struggle against his disorder, and so he cried, he cried so hard that I had to drive home, and we cuddled the rest of the night
TheLefteris24 commented…
That was just wonderful. Your Husband is indeed an admirable Man. A proof of how misguided people's theories can be just like I had mentioned to wewe before. He seems like a really great person which in turn will make him a really great Father. I could say the same about you. He clearly sees something and who else would know better? The feeling a couple gets when it is going to have a baby is pretty normal. As long as wewe have each other, wewe can get through anything. Happy days are awaiting. Once again, congratulations. To both of wewe !!!! miezi 5 iliyopita
Mauserfan1910 commented…
Thanks, it's important to me. We have each other, and that's something miezi 5 iliyopita
applebear123 commented…
really a motivating one!! :D and congratulations!!! ^^ miezi 5 iliyopita
miezi 5 iliyopita Riku114 said…
Personally it can make my day and make me really happy to see a media properly handling childhood trauma and child abuse properly, may it be in children or characters grown from a past like that. As in having the proper symptoms and signs of teens / adults grown from it or children dealing with it.

Like... really it makes me more happy than it should.

And like Mauser said, its nice to see them being used more than to make an excuse for a crazy psychopathic horror movie serial killer or something.
Riku114 commented…
Cos seriously. Childhood trauma is too often used to make crazy horror movie characters. I dont even mind if the trauma is used to shape an antagonist as long as it checks out properly and isnt just like "Oh he was abused so now he wants to destroy the world cos lel" miezi 5 iliyopita
Riku114 commented…
Like if wewe are going to do it for an antagonist, make it interesting and have the trauma not only cause them want to destroy the world but actually give them zaidi humanistic characteristics and properly add details that makes the reaction zaidi realistic miezi 5 iliyopita
TheLefteris24 commented…
I know what wewe mean. Totally relatable. One major reason why I feel so strongly about the kind of Media I'm pretty sure wewe have on your mind right now XD !!!! miezi 5 iliyopita
miezi 5 iliyopita Riku114 said…
So this one is more of a ramble / explanation thing of mine, but I am notorious for dissociating and have been told I border a lot on the line of DID/MPD with how bad Ive gotten with it before.

Like up until a little before the beginning of 2017, my personality online and offline differed so heavily and hated eachothers existence so much to the point that when I was online, Id feel like I had to destroy my irl life and when I was irl I felt that the only way I could possible live is to completely abandon my online life. Both really just wanted to be the sole existence and life I focused on, even if it meant the complete murder and destruction of the other. They demanded commitment to one side and complete abandonment of the other.

That was actually the reason I started to go to therapy (not that it was the reason I told the examining therapist who matched me or told my family that since I by no means trusted them with it and felt theyd call me crazy for it). So Ive gotten really far past that at this point thanks to a lot of work, comfort zone pushing and all to the point I THINK its safe to say Im not going to fall all the way to DID in that regard

But at other times in the past, just with my normal dissociative tendencies, I have created multiple characters / personas that while they werent as severely split as my online / offline personality was, they each talked to me and conversed with me inside my head and I was really unable to hold a consistent single sense of self and usually relied on one of them to tell me how I should act, behave, and process feelings.

Ive talked a lot about this in some of my articles on my club, but that too I kind of got rid of through working before therapy.

That being said Im not really all completely away from my dissociative tendencies that kind of make it concerning and on the borderline of DID. Cause when Im really upset, uncomfortable, or refusing to experience a situation, or feeling a negative immense emotion I can get reaaaaally bad sometimes to the point of insisting to recognize myself as another person. I dont really see this on a full on shift however since Im usually aware that Im not really the person despite every part of me wanting to rename it and everything. But usually that split away can take on the form similar to a protector for me since she takes care of the unpleasant situations and people, even if it easily gets out of hand. Im getting better at it and havent gone to any extremes with it too much lately I think.

WAIT IM RAMBLING THIS ISNT WHAT I WAS SAYING XD But to be honest I lost what I was saying so Ill forget about it XD

Honestly its debatable if certain more eccentric character sets of mine also border in a similar way with how strictly different it can be, but for those I like to just call those facets or large mood shifts / swings. Even the "protector" weird switch thing I still dont really recognize as separate from me cos thats the number one thing that has to be remembered when trying to keep DID symptoms from growing and to recover from it. No matter how different they may be, they are still ultimately part of you.

Oh and really, memory gaps of mine is another thing that keeps me from full on DID. Those that know me know I can have something of a horrible memory and have huge memory gaps in my childhood, but when it comes to present day, my memory gaps are small and usually insignificant. Ive been told I was breaking down and crying once or twice only to have no memory of it the next day but. I digress

Enough of my rambling about DID since me and Mauser were talkign on the wall about it XD
Riku114 commented…
Its also a bit on mind cos Danganronpa and Toko Fukawa XD miezi 5 iliyopita
Riku114 commented…
Also that whole mgawanyiko, baidisha between irl and online self thing sounds a lot zaidi crazy than it does sound in my head. I had / have problems XD miezi 5 iliyopita
miezi 5 iliyopita Heartbeat- said…
I have a problem being too positive about everything!
and most of the times that leaves me disappointed. How to deal with this?
Mauserfan1910 commented…
When I run into new situations, I usually try to figure out multiple outcomes, either good au bad, and have plans for each outcome. I'm a lot less likely to be disappointed au surprised miezi 5 iliyopita
Heartbeat- commented…
^ Good thinking. miezi 5 iliyopita
TheLefteris24 commented…
^^ I would suggest the same. wewe say zaidi positive but maybe wewe mean zaidi excited? As someone who can relate to this, I would advise to always be prepared for the worst. This might sound a little too pessimistic but I'm not saying to be negative about everything. Thinking of zaidi outcomes allows wewe to devise zaidi plans towards a desired result. Try to see things zaidi from a Neutral point and think twice before rushing. Provided there is failure, you'll have a better time of dealing with it. Also, keep in mind that each hardship can contribute to your growth. That applies for everyone. It is natural to feel disappointed but simply sulking won't change anything. wewe gain experience and will be better prepared for whatever comes your way next. Be positive about that !!!! miezi 5 iliyopita
Riku114 commented…
I would advise the same miezi 5 iliyopita
miezi 5 iliyopita Riku114 said…
Trichotillomania sucks ass.
Mauserfan1910 commented…
I imagine it's quite the hairy situation miezi 5 iliyopita
Riku114 commented…
wewe are horrible. XD miezi 5 iliyopita
Mauserfan1910 commented…
Yeah, my joke was borderline rude, sorry miezi 5 iliyopita
Riku114 commented…
lmao. XD miezi 5 iliyopita
miezi 3 iliyopita Riku114 said…
As someone who usually is numb of emotions and spent most her life reasonably dissociated away from emotions and all, breaking away from that habit, and approximately having six mental breakdowns in six consecutive days is extremely draining
2ntyoneplts commented…
....here here miezi 2 iliyopita
miezi 3 iliyopita Riku114 said…
Also, sometimes, despite when you talk about it to absolutely anyone, they say that the treatment you get / got was horrible and/or abusive, everyone in your family denies it, sometimes you have to feel like you are the one blowing things out of proportion and its only you.

I mean my oldest sister hardcore insists and agrees and even the plain old factual things like my dad being heavily physically abusive towards my mom and sister (and in my memory, once towards me) from the ages of 0-5 and moderately so from 5-12 (and thats completely ignoring his anger issues and tantrums and verbal / emotional assaults).

Its just my entire family is built around forgetting, ignoring, and pretending it never happened and never existed.
Riku114 commented…
Stuff like "Oh stop being dramatic. It wasnt bad" au "Shut up, wewe had a wonderful childhood" au genuinely flat out not remembering it and instead getting angry and calling wewe trash, garbage, and bad blood for "making up stories" miezi 3 iliyopita
Riku114 commented…
And even then thats not all of it. miezi 3 iliyopita
Riku114 commented…
Its barely a fraction of it tbh miezi 3 iliyopita
Riku114 commented…
If anyone wants to know zaidi details on it, message me. Ill consider uandishi it out and sharing it privately. miezi 3 iliyopita
miezi 3 iliyopita ShadowFan100 said…
meh
Much appreciated, Riku.

But I am pretty much in the same boat as Blind about sharing things. I mean, I kinda want to, but I also don't wanna start shit. I'm pretty open about a lot of things about myself on this site (hence why I love Fanpop so much), but even then, I don't think any of y'all are ready for all the shit that goes on in my head. And there's quite a lot. If I ever do feel conformable sharing anything, I will do so (either here or in a PM, depending on what it is I want to share), but for the moment, I'll continue to keep it private.

Almost everyone on this club has been very welcoming towards me, and I appreciate that. I really do. But I get the feeling I may end up digging myself a hole by spewing out things I probably shouldn't. Even on here. Thanks again for making this, though.

Peace :D
last edited miezi 3 iliyopita
Riku114 commented…
If wewe ever feel like coming back, please do XD A lot of us have a lot of horrible stuff in our head tho. Ive seen a lot of what people can have and I really dont think anything can shock me at this point. XD miezi 3 iliyopita
Riku114 commented…
Yeah I agree with you. Honestly as a quote I saw and am mostly paraphrasing "We live in a society where someone will break a leg and everyone will come running to sign it, but when someone is depressed, everyone runs away. That is the stigma." miezi 2 iliyopita
Riku114 commented…
Its somehting we can all just hope to fix overtime to be honest miezi 2 iliyopita
miezi 3 iliyopita Riku114 said…
Its okay to relapse

Its okay to have a breakdown

Its okay to stay home to give yourself a break

Its okay to make a mistake

Its okay to forget an assignment because you just couldnt do it

Its okay that you are trying your best and still didnt get there

Improvement is a cycle of success and failure, but you can and will get there eventually.
2ntyoneplts commented…
Thx for Hope. I needed that. miezi 2 iliyopita
miezi 3 iliyopita CokeTheUmbreon said…
I've been wanting to end my life too, ever since I lost my job at the thrift store. Then I go to a dayhab full if drama. It's like a terrible nightmare.

I've also been separated from my foster family that I've been close too. Transitioning is tough though. It forced me to take antidepressants. Even then, that shit doesn't work.

I'm trying to look on the bright side, but that doesn't work either.
Riku114 commented…
What caused wewe to be separated from your foster family? Also, have wewe been calling them / video chatting with them? It might be nice and help a good bit to try that and it might ease the toughness of it. miezi 3 iliyopita
Riku114 commented…
Also, when things get worse, maybe wewe should try to focus on things wewe upendo while wewe look for zaidi work? Sometimes a good distraction can help through tough situations. :) Also, dont kill yourself. Things do get better, no matter how hard it may be now and no matter how hard it may be to imagine. miezi 3 iliyopita
CokeTheUmbreon commented…
Thanks. I've been calling them monthly. miezi 3 iliyopita
Riku114 commented…
Thats good. If wewe ever feel too lonely though, im sure they wouldnt mind making it zaidi frequent miezi 3 iliyopita
miezi 2 iliyopita Riku114 said…
There is really a lot of good that comes from really coming to accept everything about yourself and facing a lot of your life and issues with pure honesty. Its not an easy thing to do and its much easier of a thing to be said than done, but its really amazing.

I never thought being happy and satisfied with life was so nice. I thought content was the best that could be asked for since happiness always vanishes, but honestly... I can't prove it or argue it to anyone who is saying otherwise

But as someone who was in that place, thats a poor mental health speaking. Happiness can be obtained, and it wont just vanish like nothing and slam you back to rock bottom more painful than before.

In the path of recovery, happiness will come and go. Some days will be great, some days will be horrible. Most days might be horrible. It might make happy days hurt because of how horrible things can so quickly become, but things get better.

Things get much better.

There is a way out of every situation. Suffering is finite.
Rihanna312 commented…
100% agree to every word miezi 2 iliyopita
miezi 2 iliyopita 2ntyoneplts said…
Well... I would open up and say stuff but...I have reasons not to. I don’t want to scare anyone or make my problems any bigger. I don’t want to think about certain things I have been trying to forget. Being open and honest would terrify me. And other stuff. This doesn’t mean I don’t trust you guys.., I just can’t.
Stay Alive |-/
Riku114 commented…
I relate to how wewe feel. I seem like Im really good at talking up and open with everyone, but to a genuine level, it discomforts me a lot. I used to have my lips sealed shut because of how things went for me everytime I did open my mouth, share how I felt and what I struggled with, and got hurt and harmed for it. Its actually ended up going to the point and feeding off into what was a recently confirmed diagnosis of PTSD. I only started to open up a while zamani as things got way too horrible for me to handle and then even zaidi to this level since I found, as horrible and uncomfortable it was right now, it helped in the long run and has really gotten me place miezi 2 iliyopita
Riku114 commented…
*places miezi 2 iliyopita
Riku114 commented…
Oh, not that I really care, Im a woman XD miezi 2 iliyopita
miezi 2 iliyopita Riku114 said…
I talk a lot on here, but I realize a lot of people dont know too much about me. So I guess Ill do a bit of a quick run down of my history with mental health.

My dad is Autistic, entirely emotionally unavailable, has extreme anger issues, and likely is a narcissist but he refuses to get anything formally diagnosed. This caused him to be physically abusive towards my mom and oldest sister frequently, and a few times to me myself when I wasnt told to hide in my room. My mom probably has some undiagnosed mental disorder, and lets and sometimes defend's my father's actions, sometimes to the point of calling us names and horrible and torturous and evil for expressing anything other than positive emotions. So for the entirety of my life thus far, I lived in an emotionally abusive, emotionally neglectful, and, until I was twelve, physically abusive household.

That of which led to extreme dissociative tendencies that eventually developed into me splitting my mind up into different personalities. While they never reached the extreme of Dissociative Identity Disorder, I probably fit Other Specified Dissociative Disorder 1-b with how my brain is. I have yet to talk about it specifically with my therapist since titles dont matter too much for us, but its a thing. I ended up killing my ability to remember my life and ended up shooting down my ability to form a cohesive identity and feel my own emotions.

According to my oldest sister who does have memory of the time, I've always had a second 'personality' that served as a response to my father, but that stuff goes to those closest to me. With that being said, I also have been saying I'd kill myself since I was three, so I've been depressed and apathetic the majority of my life.

When I had a hard move to a new school, my anxiety had just begun to resurface under all the dissociation and then I really started extreme Trichotillomania where I began to pluck all my eyelashes and eyebrows as a coping mechanism to the stress I had at the time and didnt realize, and this ended up also being part of OCD in response to my forgotten trauma and my anxiety.

By middle school, all my friends had been roughly yanked away from me (totally being like... 10+ close friends since I learned to quickly replace them when I left since I think I used being around them as a coping mechanism) and I stopped caring. It is from there that I fell into a horrible depression, made two toxic codependent abusive friendships which I had to cut off (one of which took me two and a half years to mostly get over).

By the time of 10th grade, I was so filled with anxiety and was so depressed and so detatched from the world that the only thing that kept me from slicing my arm was the fact I thought my skin looked pretty and I was a role model for people struggling with mental illness. The only reason I didnt kill myself was because I knew people looked up to me and it was my responsibility to live no matter hwat. That being said, it did not keep me from cursing when a car barely didnt run me over or coming up with multiple plans to kill myself.

Things turned around for me when I started taking medication and my brain finally accepted my boyfriend (who had been with me for a year, dealt wiht my mental illness for that whoel time, and went through so much shit just to keep me since I tried to push him away anytime I got the chance) as being a safe person and I finally, for the first time in my entire life, felt I had someone I was safe around and would love and care for me unconditionally.

My mind was still a mess (and still honestly is) but between massive relapses and massive fall backs on my mental health, I've actually made a lot of progress and gained a lot of strong control over myself to the point I'm not really acting like I have everything together just to give people a role model and to give people hope, but I am literally good where I am to show people that things can and do get better

I'm partly dedicated to showing that and actually hope to reach my dreams and goals in life just solely to show that even further to people that struggle with life and depression.

I really did not believe it when people told me. I really didn't and its really why I want to be the light of hope. I thought it was something only lucky people or people who didnt have severe depression or issues could do. I was wrong.

Things do get better, no matter how bad they are now. Things do get better.

Trust me.
Riku114 commented…
This is actually also an undetailed version of a very long makala I was working on. I still plan to write it, but I need zaidi time and I will probably start over so I can get it right. miezi 2 iliyopita
Riku114 commented…
Oh and as I alisema above, I asked out of curiousity to my therapist, and I am officially diagnosed with PTSD. miezi 2 iliyopita
Riku114 commented…
Thanks guys. I try my best to get better and try my best to encourage others to get better. At this point, sharing stuff like this isnt too hard for me since doing stuff like this is a regular self inforced (even my therapist doesnt ask me to go this far out) method of recovering from my past and all. Plus I know sharing can help people a lot and if even one person walks a way a little zaidi hopeful, then I find it beyond worth it. miezi 2 iliyopita
miezi 2 iliyopita 2ntyoneplts said…
I commented something but it deleted it and honestly I don’t have the strength to write it again. All I can say is Thanks. Stay Alive |-/
Riku114 commented…
Alright. Come around whenever wewe need it! miezi 2 iliyopita
miezi 2 iliyopita KataraLover said…
crying
This is something that is hard for me to talk about and I can't talk about specific things because I'm afraid how everyone here might see me. I have some cousins that live five hours away from me and I'm really close with them but something happened. It wasn't anything they did, although my sixteen-year-old cousin was partly responsible, but rather something I did and it's mostly my fault. I didn't realize it was as wrong as it was at the time, even though I still didn't feel right about it. I really can't say what it is because I'm not comfortable saying it. But ever since what happened was discovered, I haven't been able to see or even be allowed to contact my cousins (Two of them are adults that are married to each other, so it isn't being grounded or anything like that) because I could get in more trouble. I'm afraid of what might happen in the future, but I'm sadder that I can't talk to or see my cousins. I love and miss them so much that it physically hurts me. I was told by my two adult cousins that I helped in their family drama with their difficult teenager and was a good influence on him but I think they're better off without me. I miss them so much and it kills me that I can't talk to them or see them, but yesterday I thought maybe they were just better off without me in their lives. The person I hate most in the world has always been myself, but this whole thing makes me hate myself SO MUCH MORE than ever.

I might end up deleting this later because I'm afraid how people might react to this, even though I didn't say exactly what happened. I'm just so scared..... And sad....
Riku114 commented…
That sounds horrible. I respect your decision not to mention it, but I will mention that this is a really open and salama environment for honest confessions and all. miezi 2 iliyopita
Riku114 commented…
I dont really think they would be better off without wewe though, especially with everything thus far. wewe may have done something bad, but its a mistake and youve done a lot of positive to help them in the past. If wewe can, maybe wewe should talk it out with them a bit to see how things are in their perspective? miezi 2 iliyopita
mwezi moja 1 uliopita ArcticWolf said…
I hate the way most people can't differentiate between being nervous and having an anxiety disorder. Pressuring someone to do something that causes them extreme anxiety can result in a mental breakdown. Yes, it is rewarding to master/achieve something that previously made you uncomfortable, but if you force someone to do/confront something that affects a person beyond the level of just "discomfort", they could have an anxiety attack or worse before they are ever able to "achieve" anything. For some people the risk just isn't worth it at the time. It's not being "lazy" or "unmotivated", it's prioritizing mental health.
last edited mwezi moja 1 uliopita
Riku114 commented…
Agreed man. Agreed. There is a huge difference and large line between it. It is still good to work past them, but its something that has to go at a much slower pace than things wewe get nervous about would. mwezi moja 1 uliopita
siku 20 zilizopita Riku114 said…
Honestly was hit earlier with what probably would be a panic attack over college stuff if it wasnt for the fact I quickly distracted myself before it got out of hand. I was watching a silly video when the sudden image of how far away Ill be away from everything Im familiar with and everyone I even remotely know and be surrounded in an environment where I am a nobody in a massive school full of people.

Its not meeting new people or having to make new friends. Ive moved multiple times and its why Im good at getting strangers to like me. Its not really missing my family because I dont really have attachments to my family. Its not missing my friends because I dont... really have irl friends - I have good acquaintances but they arent something Ill particularly miss THAT much. Especially since I can see them once every three months at the very least if I did miss them and I once every three months is way more than I need to see them. Maybe its a bit being without my boyfriend who is like... my only support system outside of my older sister (who moved away a while ago) that I really ever had in my life. So I could get the anxiety of being away from him that much, but even then...

Its just honestly likely having to establish my presence again and figuring out what to do with my life and how I could possibly get myself out of my room for more than classes without having my boyfriend as an excuse. And likely huge anxiety over having to befriend people and shit.

Ah man though. Even after taking my mind off it for a bit, watching relaxing things, talking it over with my boyfriend to get it out of my system, I actually had strong depersonalization striking me until I got off the phone and stopped talking about it. And dont get me started with how weird and uncomfortable depersonalization feels, especially when you are looking at your own reflection

Doesnt help I have limited sessions *sigh*

I just hope I react to the two days there for orientation in less than two weeks like I did at Leadership Camp instead of having a panic attack.

But nah... I really dont have much in my city as a home or anything that ties me down too much. I kinda spent my childhood making sure I didnt and I kind of regret that since it kind of killed my childhood, but it also makes it so there is very little for me to miss.

Also speaking of depersonalization, I am pretty sure my experience with dissociation made the three second image in my head that the video brought into my mind so panic-inducing.

But I digress. I just had to rant about that.
siku 20 zilizopita gvldenyovth said…
I told my (best) friend about the Thing and I've been absolutely terrified to post it here because I don't want It to get worse, also judgement yknow?

But this forum seems like it could be a really great help. It's really nice to know it's here.

Also I might kill myself on July 20th but that's still up in the air so who knows.
TheLefteris24 commented…
I don't know what your situation is but I will ask of wewe to think things through well and not rush into decisions of that kind. Everyone has their bad days but there are also the good ones to come. Because they do really exist. That's the cycle of Life. There are always zaidi reasons to live for than to die and I hope wewe consider it well. Persistance is key. Please stay strong. I wish wewe all the best !!!! siku 20 zilizopita
zanhar1 commented…
You're welcome, I hope wewe get to a better place soon. siku 19 zilizopita
Riku114 commented…
Spite is extremely motivating XD I dont even believe in a higher power but just out of spite I am willing to imagine that there is one XD But dood, keep living and if things come up, feel free to rant / share siku 19 zilizopita
siku 20 zilizopita zanhar1 said…
I need a new car cause mine broke and I don't have money for reasons I can't really talk about here but it's been driving me crazy because I'm stuck and have no idea what to do.
And my family might be losing our house so...awesome. :D
Riku114 commented…
Oh dude.... Monetary issues are horrible. Maybe wewe could find a friend to stay with if the house does get removed? Have wewe looked for assistance from the government may it be welfare au any benefits that may be applicable to wewe and your family? siku 19 zilizopita
zanhar1 commented…
I already have a friend willing to help but my problem is my hatred of change. I've been living in that house for 15+ years and I don't want to give it up, especially not because of this situation. :/ My family has tried literally everything we made just enough for them to deny us and they've been fighting us every step of the way when applying again. siku 19 zilizopita
zanhar1 commented…
Eh I was just on vacation it was nice the past 3 days have been. but for every good thing that happens to me something equally bad always follows. To siku has been complete bullshit, but honestly I think at this point I don't care anymore. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ siku 16 zilizopita
siku 18 zilizopita gvldenyovth said…
YALL LEMME SAY TODAY FUCKING KICKED ASS

IM FUCKING HAPPY FOR ONCE

LIKE LEGIT H A P P Y

THERE IS A SATISFACTORY AMOUNT OF SEROTONIN IN MY BRAIN RIGHT NOW CAN YOU BELIEVE

I STARTED CAMP TODAY. ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS IS IN MY GROUP AND NOW WE'RE JOSH AND EVAN THE SK8R BOIS (im wearing my outfit for josh tomorrow). ANOTHER GIRL WHO I NEVER EVEN THOUGHT WOULD BE QUEER IS BI AND SHE LIKES SUPERNATURAL SO THE THREE OF US JUST SCREAMED THE WHOLE DAY ABOUT THAT SHIT. A N D THE ROCK BAND IS SMALL AGAIN THIS YEAR AND I AM ALMOST DEFINITELY GONNA BE DOING BASS ON A LOT OF SONGS WHICH IS A FUCKING DREAM,,, ALSO THE TEACHER IS GREAT AND I LOVE HER

THIS ONE TEACHER KEPT MISGENDERING ME THE WHOLE DAY AND CALLING ME BY THE WRONG PRONOUNS AND GAVE ME A BOOK OF MONOLOGUES ENTIRELY FROM FEMALE CHARACTERS SO THAT STUNG A LOT, ESPECIALLY BC AN EMAIL WAS SENT OUT TO THE TEACHERS AND CITS ABOUT ME BEING TRANS SO EITHER SHE MISSED IT (which i kinda doubt bc this is her job and it was an important job related piece of news but i guess it's still possible, and ik she got it bc all the teachers were told about this, many even double checked with me just to make sure they were getting it right, which they were, she was the only one doing it) OR SHES A TRANSPHOBE. SHE COULDA JUST FORGOTI GUESS BC IM PRE-T SO I DON'T PASS VERY WELL BUT WE EMAILED THAT CAMP DIRECTOR ABOUT IT. DOESN'T MATTER THO BC IM SWITCHING OUT OF THAT CLASS TODAY.

THAT MADE ME FEEL PRETTY DYSPHORIC FOR A WHILE BUT GUESS WHAT FUCKING CAME IN THE MAIL TODAY

YA BOIS BINDER

I PUT THAT SHIT ON AND BASICALLY YEETED A GOOD 65% OF MY DYSPHORIA OUT THE WINDOW DUDES

LIKE HOLY HELL I DON'T HAVE BOOBS ANY MORE HOW AMAZING IS THAT

AND ON TOP OF THAT I NOTICED I'VE BEEN TALKING IN MY CHEST MORE EASILY AND IT'S MAKING ME SOUND A BIT MORE MASCULINE WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANT!!! EVEN THE BAND INSTRUCTOR GIRL MENTIONED IT AND SAID THAT MY VOICE IS SOUNDING DEEPER AND I WAS REALLY HAPPY TO HEAR THAT.

IDK ALL THIS KICKING-DYSPHORIA-IN-THE-ASS SHIT I DID TODAY IS MAKING ME HAPPY AS HELL BC MY DYSPHORIA WAS KICKING MY ASS BEFORE FOR A WHILE AND WAS KINDA REALLY MAKING ME WANNA KILL MYSELF BUT TONIGHT IM LIKE

HAHA

FUCK YEAH

I F E E L M A S C U L I N E

I'M HYPED DUDES

OKAY SORRY BUT I WANTED TO POST ABOUT THIS BC IT WAS MAKING ME SUPER HAPPY AND SHIT AND I FIGURED HERE WAS A GOOD PLACE TO PUT IT BC I KNOW A LOT OF MY POSTS AND STUFF WILL PROBABLY BE DEPRESSING AS HELL SO I WANTED TO GET THIS OUT THERE YKNOW

ALSO SORRY FOR ALL CAPS IM JUST EXCITED
last edited siku 18 zilizopita
Riku114 commented…
"THERE IS A SATISFACTORY AMOUNT OF SEROTONIN IN MY BRAIN RIGHT NOW CAN wewe BELIEVE" #Relatable siku 18 zilizopita
Riku114 commented…
Also dude XD As someone who used to consider herself genderfluid before just noping out of the concept of gender, I totally relate with that whole binder shit. I actually had a lot of discomfort with that stuff back before I somehow stopped caring about the whole concept. I dunno if it was a phase, au me trying to cope in a weird way au me just trying to find what Im comfortable with since I dont really associate with the female gender either, but I used to get soo uncomfortable with that stuff and would tafuta hours on binders au how to safely bind without harm, but as someone who is considered "very busty" and "almost anime boob level busty", such things are considerably dangerous :v siku 18 zilizopita
gvldenyovth commented…
@Riku I’m making it my kauli mbiu too. Gotta be memorable siku 18 zilizopita
siku 18 zilizopita gvldenyovth said…
On another note I'm starting to REALLY become aware of the fact that I have pretty much no regard for human life. Like I love and care about people but if something really serious happened to them I'd just be... eh? Sucks for them? Unless it personally affects me I'm extremely apathetic towards it. And my ability to determine right from wrong is also getting worse. Example: I know that killing people is bad but??? Why?? I really don't know why it's bad everyone just says it is?? Like,,, I kinda understand like NO dont do that don't kill or hurt people but also?? Why is it bad???

I should probably be concerned about this because a lack of empathy and inablility to understand why KILLING SOMEONE IS NOT COOL are probably bad signs but again... I don't really understand why they are??? Ya feel??
Riku114 commented…
I getcha. I have had a lot more... probably concerning things in the past than listed here (not that Im doubting wewe do too) and I feel you. Its really just something oyu have to keep an eye on and make sure wewe doesnt get out of hand and all. siku 18 zilizopita
siku 12 zilizopita Riku114 said…
PLEASE. Watch this.

At least from around the 8:30 mark

Its a very good depiction

And it has a really good message.
TheLefteris24 commented…
^ !!!! siku 12 zilizopita
gvldenyovth commented…
This was actually oddly reassuring... I'm glad I watched this- now at least I know I'm not alone with the shit I deal with in my family. siku 11 zilizopita
Riku114 commented…
^ siku 6 zilizopita
siku 3 zilizopita gvldenyovth said…
The serotonin was strong with me once again today.

Things are looking up. Probably not going to kill myself on Friday. Lil upset that I didn't get tickets for the concert I wanna go to but those were presale so I'm gonna try again when regular sales go up... on friday :D

Also my friend says that if I don't ask my crush out by the end of the summer she's not sending me memes for the rest of the year, but lucky for me I think my crush likes me back (we spent like half the day cuddling today it was nice) so who knows maybe one of us will stop being a pussy and confess.

And I'm playing bass in the band (we have a badass name) and I'm in love with that instrument. Like if I could marry an instrument I'd marry that bass.

I dunno where all this happiness is coming from bc even when life is good it's usually bad, but I'm enjoying it and will stretch it out as long as possible bc not being a suicidal shit all the time is really nice. A very new experience for my depressed ass, but I'm liking it so far.
Riku114 commented…
Dude thats really good XD Keep it up as long as wewe can. Who knows it might actually last. siku 3 zilizopita
Riku114 commented…
One of my rare happy moments ended up turning out that it was the common baseline all the way until today so I dont like to think itll necessarily go away XD siku 3 zilizopita
siku moja 1 iliyopita 1012jackson said…
sunny
I'm glad somebody actually cares. I thought none of you cared. My mental health problems is autism/Asperger's syndrome, ADHD, and I use to have depression. And frankly use to be suicidal. I was depressed because I had no friends at all. Just nobody to talk to. And because I was always being teased for being black. I was so lonely, didn't know what to do. So one day, I took a knife and I tried to cut myself. Right on my arm. I tried to slit up my arm. But then, two girls who were always teasing me, saw me about to cut, they stopped me and ratted me out. Stupid snitches. And it's their fault I tried to cut me. I blame them. They always made fun of me everyday. They're the ones who made me so depressed. And they ruined my moment to cut myself. Why the heck did they care? There's an ironic thing I use to always think about. First off, I almost died at birth. I almost miscarried. But I made it. But still, I could be dead right now. And I always thought that the reason why I almost didn't make it at birth is because I wasn't meant to live in the first place. Like I'm not supposed to be here alive right now. I still think that today. So anyway because of my autism/Asperger's syndrome, I'm not independent enough to do everything own my own. And by that, I mean I'm not indeed in survival. I can't live by myself, I don't know how to pay bills, pays rent, drive, I have no job or any of that stuff. I'm already 24. I'm already an adult but I still can't live like an adult. At least not yet. I definitely can't have a child of my own right now. I still live like a kid. That's why I act kinda childish. I look too young for my age. And I act young for my age. But I really do wanna live and act like an adult but I can't. I don't know how. I always have to depend on my mom to decide some stuff for me. And let me make this clear. The reason why I act like a child (even though I'm not) is because I have Asperger's syndrome and there's nothing I can do about it. I was born with this syndrome. It's just who I am. I know some of you don't believe I'm 24 years old just because I act pretty childish. But I swear on my own grave I am a young adult. I have no reason to lie about my age. I told you I act childish because of my autism and there's nothing I can do about it. Or I don't know what to do about it. If anybody still think I'm making it up, tough! So please believe me about my age. And I hope I've made myself clear on that. And I really don't want y'all to think that I'm an idiot. I've been called dumb years back and it still hurts today. Autistic people are very smart. We are not stupid. We are not weird. We're just different. And we are very special. We're special because we have autism. I'm special because of my Asperger's. So please don't think I'm an idiot. And please don't think I'm not special. But I do have to admit it. Often, my autism kinda makes me feel like an idiot. Just because I can't do exactly everything own my own. So anyway I'm a sketch artist, I like to paint, I write my own fantasy stories that I might publish, and I make tie dye shirts. I'm very artistic. I'm all about art. And all about fantasy. And just like y'all, I like anime. My favorite anime show(s) is Pokémon, and this anime show called charlette that I watch on Hulu. And another show but I don't really what it's called. I use to watch dragon ball and dragon ball Z all ththe time back then. But it hardly comes on anymore. I know that has noth No to do with anything. But that's what y'all like, right? Anime stuff. I like anime too. Just thought I tell y'all that as something we all have in common. And I love Japanese horror movies. Japan makes the best horror movies ever. I have a few favorites. But I don't feel like naming them right now. Again. I know that's off topic. But I know that what y'all like and it's what I like too. Well that's my story about my mental illness. And I really need somebody here who can understand me. That's all I'm asking. Just understand me. I didn't mean to act childish. But I couldn't help it. I don't know what to do about it.
 I'm glad somebody actually cares. I thought none of wewe cared. My mental health problems is autism/As
Riku114 commented…
hujambo doodette. Its alright. Ill believe wewe are 24. And trust me, Autism and Aspergers is actually a disorder thats had a good few people on here with it. We get it. A good deal of us have close Marafiki and family with it. Heck, a good few of us on here also have it. Personally, my therapist isnt sure if Im just a well adapted one au just one that picked up a lot of Aspergers-like traits because both my dad and oldest sister have it. Don't stress too much about explaining why wewe are different. Regardless of your disorder au not (and this applies to every disorder), wewe arent wewe disorder. wewe are you, and wewe are a normal human being. masaa 22 yaliyopita
Riku114 commented…
*your disorder masaa 22 yaliyopita
Riku114 commented…
With that being said, have wewe been seeing a therapist for it? Often they could help wewe work towards coping with your disorder and could help towards working to get wewe independent and functioning on your own. If wewe are already seeing one, have wewe brought this up with them? masaa 22 yaliyopita
zanhar1 commented…
"I don't know how to pay bills, pays rent, I'm already 24. I'm already an adult but I still can't live like an adult. " Same tho. I don't even have autism so I really don't have an excuse. But then again there are so many others like. That, what I'm trying to say is that you're not alone. Being an adult is tough shit and tbh I don't think I'm cut out for it either. zaidi power to wewe for holding out. masaa 15 yaliyopita
masaa 8 yaliyopita JetBlack_ said…
As a person who has been physically and mentally abused as a child it always makes me concern that I will hurt my own baby sister!!!
which I love so much and would rather die than do such thing to her.

I'm terrified of this because if i see other people's children being hurt even getting hit in front of me it doesn't bother me and it makes me feel like a bad guy and it sadness me so much :(
 As a person who has been physically and mentally abused as a child it always makes me concern that I