Sarcasm is an art. It's one of those little yet big things in life which can only be expressed beautifully when mastered correctly. Though sarcasm may be funny, it may also hurt many people, so use it wisely.
Last week, I decided to collect as many sarcastic and funny remarks as I could, just for the fun of it. So, here's the list! The format of the orodha is like this:
1. When someone says, "No"... <--- this is the "situation".
Yeah, right. <--- this is your sarcastic response.
Sometimes, there will be "no situation". wewe should be able to figure out when to use the sentence in italics then.
Without wasting any zaidi time, here's the list:
1. Sometimes I don't know whether to laugh at wewe au pity you.
2. When someone's looking at an object (e.g. his wallet) and laughing...
What, does your wallet tell jokes?
3. When someone does something extremely fast...
wewe taking steroids?
4. When someone says, "I feel so stupid"...
It's okay to feel what wewe are.
5. When someone is spelling something aloud...
Are wewe taking part in a spelling bee?
6. When someone is counting bila mpangilio numbers aloud...
Playing BINGO?
7. When someone says, "Hey, wewe wanna hear a joke?"...
It's okay, you're a joke all kwa yourself.
8. Looks like I overestimated the number of your brain cells.
9. When someone says, "I feel so stupid" au something similar...
That's an understatement.
10. When someone says, "I'm so short!"...
* No, you're *quite* tall.
* Cheer up! You're still taller than my sausage dog!
11. Let's say you're looking at a picture on a book, and someone asks, "What's that?!"...
A book. Duh!
12. When someone asks, "Why don't wewe talk to me??"...
* You're not worth talking to.
* Talking to wewe doesn't bring any benefits.
13. When someone tells you, "John is so ugly!"...
Gee, wewe remind me of him.
14. When someone says, "I've a pretty sister."...
Whatever happened to the brother / sister?
15. When someone says, "Hey, do wewe know that (blah) (blah) (blah)"...
Alert the media!
16. When someone says, "Oh, no! I've a pimple! What should I do about it?!"
I've bigger things on my mind to think about than your puny pimple, wewe know.
17. When someone says, "Don't tell me you're gonna tell me your parents" au something similar...
I do have a life too, wewe know.
18. Someone has a weird au funny name...
Gee, your parents certainly have a weird sense of humour.
19. When someone says, "I don't know how to do this."...
Ah, I'm not surprised.
20. When someone asks, "What's happening?!"...
With your IQ, I don't think wewe can understand.
21. You're so dumb your IQ and shoe size are the same.
22. You're so ugly your parents initially wanted to name wewe Rover.
23. Your B.O. is so bad you're classified as a potential biological weapon.
24. When someone delays something...
* That will be the time when wewe get your first grandchild.
* That will be the time when [name] stops doing [something he always does] (e.g. That'll be the siku when Jack's feet finally smell nice)
25. wewe mean wewe don't know I've a dog?! Didn't wewe look in the mirror?!?! *give a shocked look*
26. Hey, what a coincidence! You've the same name as my dog!
27. Look at someone's eyes, give a surprised look and exclaim, "The eyes... they look like Aunt Camille's (for males) / Uncle Edgar's (for females)!"
28. Let's say Dr. John is a victim of manslaughter. Then, someone comes up to wewe and exclaims surprisingly, "What?! Dr. John got murdered?!?"
No, suicide.
29. Jack is so funny that he's making everyone laugh AT him, not with him.
30. Other than being disgusting, irritating, stupid, smelly, [name all the bad stuff wewe can think of], etc., etc... you're actually quite okay.
31. When someone asks, "Hey, should I submit this joke to the magazine?"...
Well, wewe never know. Some low-class species with the same viewpoint as the mwandishi might find it funny.
32. When someone asks, "Do wewe think this dress is nice?"...
To say that it's nice would be a terrible lie.
33. You've so many pimples that wewe remind me of the craters of the moon.
34. wewe know why guys / girls don't like you? Look at yourself first.
35. When someone asks, "Hey, are wewe gonna mow the lawn now?" when wewe obviously are going to mow the lawn...
* No *expressed sarcastically*, I'm gonna do it inayofuata year.
* Then?! Wait for the Winter Olympics??
* No, I'm going to take a shower. Duh!
36. When someone is doing something (e.g. typing)...
Are wewe sure wewe can type?
37. When someone is hogging the stairs...
Hey, does your grandfather own the stairs?!
38. When someone expresses frustatedly, "I'm so stupid!"...
* Being honest is a good thing.
* It's always good to be honest.
39. When someone says, "I feel so stupid"...
We know.
40. When someone plays a practical joke on someone else...
How could wewe do that?! wewe could hurt him, wewe know! Don't wewe know how bad it could've got?! [continue with all the serious remarks wewe can think about until he feels terribly guilty]
41. When someone insults someone else (esp. someone who's disabled)...
How would wewe know anything about him? Maybe when he was young, his mother died, and his dad married a terrible stepmother. Maybe when he was nine years old, he was knocked down kwa a lorry, and he ended up in a coma at the hospital. Probably his father had to work long hours siku and night just to keep him alive. Maybe when he woke up finally, he wasn't ever the same again. [continue with all the pitiful things wewe can think about until the person you're talking to feels extremely guilty...]
42. Ask someone who can't drive, "Hey, are wewe free on Saturday? Can wewe send me to [some place]??" Then, before he gets the chance to reply, wewe say, "Oh, so sorry, I forgot... wewe *CAN'T* drive."
43. When wewe tell someone "I'm 19.", and after thinking for a while, he replies, "So, I guess that you're born in 19xx?"... Gee, they do teach wewe stuff at Taylor's. [replace "Taylor's" with the educational institution your victim is in]
44. wewe look like my grandma's grandmother!
45. When someone keeps referring to someone else as "the guy" au "the girl" au "my friend"...
Hey, doesn't he / she has a name? Even wanyama have names nowadays!
46. When someone insults wewe sarcastically and asks you, "Was that remark sarcastic au what?!"...
No, it's a downright lame insult.
47. When your younger sibling says "My Maths is getting better" au something similar...
Looks like the skills I've passed down to wewe have paid off after all.
48. Gee, the dress she's wearing sure looks nice... but NOT on her.
49. When someone asks, "Why can't I do this?"...
* Maybe it's inheritance.
* Maybe it's in your genes.
50. When someone says, "Hey, let me tell wewe a joke"...
HA HA HA HA HA! VERY FUNNY!
Right now, wewe might be asking, "Where in the world are numbers 51-101?" Well, sorry, but I can't think of any zaidi sarcastic remarks, mean insults and irritating phrases.
If wewe have any wewe would like to add, please mail me. Don't worry, credit will be aliyopewa to all contributors! I'll continue to update this page often.
Last week, I decided to collect as many sarcastic and funny remarks as I could, just for the fun of it. So, here's the list! The format of the orodha is like this:
1. When someone says, "No"... <--- this is the "situation".
Yeah, right. <--- this is your sarcastic response.
Sometimes, there will be "no situation". wewe should be able to figure out when to use the sentence in italics then.
Without wasting any zaidi time, here's the list:
1. Sometimes I don't know whether to laugh at wewe au pity you.
2. When someone's looking at an object (e.g. his wallet) and laughing...
What, does your wallet tell jokes?
3. When someone does something extremely fast...
wewe taking steroids?
4. When someone says, "I feel so stupid"...
It's okay to feel what wewe are.
5. When someone is spelling something aloud...
Are wewe taking part in a spelling bee?
6. When someone is counting bila mpangilio numbers aloud...
Playing BINGO?
7. When someone says, "Hey, wewe wanna hear a joke?"...
It's okay, you're a joke all kwa yourself.
8. Looks like I overestimated the number of your brain cells.
9. When someone says, "I feel so stupid" au something similar...
That's an understatement.
10. When someone says, "I'm so short!"...
* No, you're *quite* tall.
* Cheer up! You're still taller than my sausage dog!
11. Let's say you're looking at a picture on a book, and someone asks, "What's that?!"...
A book. Duh!
12. When someone asks, "Why don't wewe talk to me??"...
* You're not worth talking to.
* Talking to wewe doesn't bring any benefits.
13. When someone tells you, "John is so ugly!"...
Gee, wewe remind me of him.
14. When someone says, "I've a pretty sister."...
Whatever happened to the brother / sister?
15. When someone says, "Hey, do wewe know that (blah) (blah) (blah)"...
Alert the media!
16. When someone says, "Oh, no! I've a pimple! What should I do about it?!"
I've bigger things on my mind to think about than your puny pimple, wewe know.
17. When someone says, "Don't tell me you're gonna tell me your parents" au something similar...
I do have a life too, wewe know.
18. Someone has a weird au funny name...
Gee, your parents certainly have a weird sense of humour.
19. When someone says, "I don't know how to do this."...
Ah, I'm not surprised.
20. When someone asks, "What's happening?!"...
With your IQ, I don't think wewe can understand.
21. You're so dumb your IQ and shoe size are the same.
22. You're so ugly your parents initially wanted to name wewe Rover.
23. Your B.O. is so bad you're classified as a potential biological weapon.
24. When someone delays something...
* That will be the time when wewe get your first grandchild.
* That will be the time when [name] stops doing [something he always does] (e.g. That'll be the siku when Jack's feet finally smell nice)
25. wewe mean wewe don't know I've a dog?! Didn't wewe look in the mirror?!?! *give a shocked look*
26. Hey, what a coincidence! You've the same name as my dog!
27. Look at someone's eyes, give a surprised look and exclaim, "The eyes... they look like Aunt Camille's (for males) / Uncle Edgar's (for females)!"
28. Let's say Dr. John is a victim of manslaughter. Then, someone comes up to wewe and exclaims surprisingly, "What?! Dr. John got murdered?!?"
No, suicide.
29. Jack is so funny that he's making everyone laugh AT him, not with him.
30. Other than being disgusting, irritating, stupid, smelly, [name all the bad stuff wewe can think of], etc., etc... you're actually quite okay.
31. When someone asks, "Hey, should I submit this joke to the magazine?"...
Well, wewe never know. Some low-class species with the same viewpoint as the mwandishi might find it funny.
32. When someone asks, "Do wewe think this dress is nice?"...
To say that it's nice would be a terrible lie.
33. You've so many pimples that wewe remind me of the craters of the moon.
34. wewe know why guys / girls don't like you? Look at yourself first.
35. When someone asks, "Hey, are wewe gonna mow the lawn now?" when wewe obviously are going to mow the lawn...
* No *expressed sarcastically*, I'm gonna do it inayofuata year.
* Then?! Wait for the Winter Olympics??
* No, I'm going to take a shower. Duh!
36. When someone is doing something (e.g. typing)...
Are wewe sure wewe can type?
37. When someone is hogging the stairs...
Hey, does your grandfather own the stairs?!
38. When someone expresses frustatedly, "I'm so stupid!"...
* Being honest is a good thing.
* It's always good to be honest.
39. When someone says, "I feel so stupid"...
We know.
40. When someone plays a practical joke on someone else...
How could wewe do that?! wewe could hurt him, wewe know! Don't wewe know how bad it could've got?! [continue with all the serious remarks wewe can think about until he feels terribly guilty]
41. When someone insults someone else (esp. someone who's disabled)...
How would wewe know anything about him? Maybe when he was young, his mother died, and his dad married a terrible stepmother. Maybe when he was nine years old, he was knocked down kwa a lorry, and he ended up in a coma at the hospital. Probably his father had to work long hours siku and night just to keep him alive. Maybe when he woke up finally, he wasn't ever the same again. [continue with all the pitiful things wewe can think about until the person you're talking to feels extremely guilty...]
42. Ask someone who can't drive, "Hey, are wewe free on Saturday? Can wewe send me to [some place]??" Then, before he gets the chance to reply, wewe say, "Oh, so sorry, I forgot... wewe *CAN'T* drive."
43. When wewe tell someone "I'm 19.", and after thinking for a while, he replies, "So, I guess that you're born in 19xx?"... Gee, they do teach wewe stuff at Taylor's. [replace "Taylor's" with the educational institution your victim is in]
44. wewe look like my grandma's grandmother!
45. When someone keeps referring to someone else as "the guy" au "the girl" au "my friend"...
Hey, doesn't he / she has a name? Even wanyama have names nowadays!
46. When someone insults wewe sarcastically and asks you, "Was that remark sarcastic au what?!"...
No, it's a downright lame insult.
47. When your younger sibling says "My Maths is getting better" au something similar...
Looks like the skills I've passed down to wewe have paid off after all.
48. Gee, the dress she's wearing sure looks nice... but NOT on her.
49. When someone asks, "Why can't I do this?"...
* Maybe it's inheritance.
* Maybe it's in your genes.
50. When someone says, "Hey, let me tell wewe a joke"...
HA HA HA HA HA! VERY FUNNY!
Right now, wewe might be asking, "Where in the world are numbers 51-101?" Well, sorry, but I can't think of any zaidi sarcastic remarks, mean insults and irritating phrases.
If wewe have any wewe would like to add, please mail me. Don't worry, credit will be aliyopewa to all contributors! I'll continue to update this page often.