I apologize for the length, but if you love Twilight then you may enjoy this.
8 years ago, I was 21, after ending a 4 year abusive relationship, I was introduced to "Edward",19, through a blind date. I was in completely in mind blowing, heart exploding love by the second date, He was mysterious and sexy ( think Jonathon Reyes Meyers). After a month, he was telling me what kind of wedding he wanted and what he wanted to name our first child. My heart lept every time I saw him. He confided in me that he was a virgin, said he was waiting for the right girl, his soul mate, and after we made love for the first time he told me how happy he was that he saved himself for me. After 3 months I knew this was it, my true love, my happy ending. Then he had financial troubles, got robbed, college financial aid fell through, and he was supporting his single mother. He started making comments about being worried about being a good provider, saying I deserved more than he could give me, and one time, with a sad look in his eyes he said "I NEED to have my ducks in a row.I wasn't supposed to find you yet". Things were still magical, but I could tell alot was on his mind. One night he came over, I was waiting for him in bed ready to make him feel better and forget his problems, but he told me he needed to spend more time with his best friend (who was also a long time friend of mine) because they had grown apart, and that we had to quit seeing eachother for a while "not forever, maybe a month, maybe a year, but definately not forever".

I was devestated, think Bella in the woods, and zombie like for weeks. The only thing I looked forward to was going to parties on the weekend where he would always show up just to stare at me, so intensly and not trying to hide it, all night long. This drove me crazy. If I tried to talk to him, he would just say "I can't" and leave.

I then had the bright idea that I would talk to his, our, friend and try to mend thier friendship so Edward and I could get back together. So I called "Jacob" and told him we needed to talk.He was more than eager to pick me up. He said he was'nt interested in being freinds with Edward anymore and that I needed to move on and be happy. He told me "Who is HE to be making a fool of YOU, you are so much better than that".Over the next few weeks Jacob and I hung out more, he made me laugh, he talked about the white picket fence future that he wanted, and late one night he confessed his long time love for me. I loved Jacob, but only as a friend. I felt guilty the first time that he kissed me, like I was cheating, and I did'nt feel tingles or fireworks or anything. But I was tired of chasing Edward, He would'nt talk to me, would'nt tell me the real reason why we could'nt be together, and I felt unwanted by him and saw no end in sight. The dream life that I had pictured had all but faded. But Jacob adored me. He was chasing me and that felt nice.

The night that I decided to give Jacob a chance, I called Edward and told him that Jake and I were going to start seeing eachother, giving him one more chance to tell he that he wanted me, that he was ready to quit being miserable ( I loved him too much to let him hear from someone else). His voice cracked, like he was going to cry, and he said loudly "I don't care what you do"...I hung up. The next night the two guys came across eachother somewhere outside of town and got into a big physical fight. There were other people there, but no one will tell me what happened, what was said, or what it was about. All I heard for sure was that Jacob won. Jacob's mom would tell me years later that it was about me.

I heard the next week that Edward had joined the military. I did'nt see him for 2 1/2 more years, and when I did, he just came up to my car window and stared at me with sadness in his eyes. I just looked back and then drove off. By this time, devasteted by Edward leaving town and later the country, Jacobs plans for the future started sounding nice; easy, effortless, no drama, just nice. Of cource there was also no passion. I played the part of a sexually interested girlfriend, when I really felt nothing. But he was my best friend, I was comfortable with him, he adored me for me, and so, with Edward thousands of miles away, I married Jacob.

We have been married 6 years, have a beautiful 3 year old son, and from the outside, a beyond perfect life. Jacob is a great father, great husband, an excellent provider, and I feel like a lucky woman. We are still best friends, but I still don't like to kiss him or have sex with him. He is so passionate towards me, and as badly as I want to and as much as I have prayed about it, I am not attracted to him like that. Of course I have never told him that, and luckily it turns out that I am a decent actress.Don't get me wrong, he's not ugly at all, I just don't feel that way.

I was content playing house until I started reading the Twilight series. In New Moon I cried so hard when Edward left Bella, it was so familiar, and I was depressed for days.But it seems the more I read, even after he came back,the more depressed I get. When Jacob says that if Bells hadn't jumped off the cliff then Edward would have never come back and Bella and Jacob would have been together, my heart ached. Now all I can think about is my Edward. The mystery, the unanswered questions are killing me. I guess Bella would have felt the same way if she had never jumped off the cliff.

He is somewhere out there, I know from mutual friends that not only is he not married but he hasn't dated anyone seriously since me.IN 8 YEARS!

I try to tell myself that I made my choice, took the easy road, the sure thing, and now I need to appreciate how lucky I am and be thankful. I am married to a wonderful man who would die for me in a heartbeat,but anything physical is a chore, a polite gesture to make him feel wanted. I would never, could never, hurt my husband. But I cry everytime I think about NEVER feeling butterflies, passion, anxiousness or tingles ever again. I will NEVER make love again. I'm delightful outside but aching, no writhing, inside.

To anyone who thinks this could'nt happen in real life, think again. That kind of insanly intense love does exist. You can love 2 people at once very much. My wounds should'nt still feel so raw after 8 years, but I believe that Edward was my one shot at true unimaginable bliss. We just never made our way back to eachother. I do love my life, don't get me wrong, I just wish I could feel for Jacob what I feel for Edward.

Comments appreciated. Thanks for letting me tell my story. Talking about it to people who can understand helps.P.S. Can't wait for the new book and the movie!