The “L” Shaped Object

“stop asking questions, your mission is clear.” The commander’s voice echoed around my mind as the harsh water washed down on yellow and purple bruises. I stared at my reflection in the chrome walls of the small hatchet. I squinted at my once soft and bouncy hair which hung in a copper strip against my now unfeminine muscular body. Could I do it? Could I cope? I had only been in basic training for a month and tomorrow I would face far worse than the mere scrapes the chrome showed me.
I had never had any reason to doubt my commander but sending me, a woman, out to lead battle troops showed how much out army was straining. It had been my life’s work to protest against our planets politics and of how women were treated but this no longer mattered to me for I feared tomorrow would be a death mission. I feared that they and their race would win. The ship suddenly jolted and the power cut out, I felt the gravity centre fail as I started to float in to the darkness before the generator kicked in and I was sucked back to the ridged floor where my heels jammed and the smokey red back up lighting tripped in.
I leaned down to rub my foot, it was probably another meteor. We had hit a few this week as their solar system was much denser than ours and much warmer as their sun was 16 times bigger than ours. This made the combat harder and our swords and armour had to be upgraded three times to make them more light weight but their heated plates still restricted our ability to fight.
I released some soap from it’s airtight cave in the wall. As I let the creamy lavender sooth my pummelled limbs I heard the swoosh of the of outer capsule doors I strained to listen and I was just about to turn and ignore it when I heard it more distinct now that I was listening. Whoever had entered had closed the hatchet behind them. I left the shower running so as to not alert the intruder and reached for my suit and sword and as quietly as I could. I readied myself. I opened the hatchet of the inner capsule and lowered myself in to the outer capsule I looked around although it was hard to see though the dense red light. It was stood by the hatchet blood splattered on it’s uniform. I had never actually seen one yet. I had only ever seen photos, I couldn’t’ tell weather this one was female or male as it wore some kind of headgear with a blue white and red symbol. I had always wondered how such a being protected itself as all it seemed to be wearing was a navy blue jumpsuit. I stared curiously as I raised my sword it didn’t even appear to have any kind of weapon. I tried to recall everything that I had learnt about them. I knew that they lived on a planet that they called earth and that they called themselves humans but I knew nothing except my fighting skills that would help to my advantage. The human said something in it’s own language and pulled out a black “L” shaped object with a cylinder end pointing towards me, it made a click noise and then a loud bang exploded.

this was a short story I've written that I've only ever showed to two people I've never posted anything on the net either so i know it's not great which is why it's in need of criticism lol please be honest and i hope you all enjoy it

OK debs, I just wanted to say that I haven't forgotten this story, and I will get to it soon, but I need sleep now and I'll tackle it tomorrow.

Hm. I like this a lot. About half-way through I began to question the race of the speaker, but it wasn't predictable, I just felt clever when I reached the "blue white and red symbol" part. ;o)

Keep the plot as it is, I think that's perfect. You may want to change the wording at the end. "Then a loud bang exploded" doesn't feel as absolute as it could. I don't know if I'm making sense.

I'd characterize her location more. This story is all about the scene. Make it into a character. It's the only other thing, other than her murderer, that your protagonist interacts with. I think she's characterized enough, though. You don't want to give too much away about her, obviously. I did like the way you described the human soldier.

All in all, I don't have much to say about this one. That's a good thing. There's a few typographical errors, but I only mention those when I've run out of other things to say. Maybe someone else can be more helpful. :o)

thank you so much cinders! glad you like it, i don't quite understand what you mean by characterize the location?

what about

it made a click noise and i watched, almost in slow motion as a small pellet moved towards me, i felt it penetrate my chest, i folded to the floor just as everything went black

That's better. :o)

Hm... I mean, in some way, personify it a little. I have examples... at home. War stories do it alot. Soldiers marching, the rain, weather and terrain tend to seem against them, seems to have intent. Sometimes, though, in war stories, the geography seems to be encouraging the conquering army, or grieving for the lost soldiers. I think that's why I said it because this is, beneath it all, a war story, and it's such an unusual location, you can do so much with it.

Editors provide three services, typically: proofreading, copyediting, and content suggestions. Which are you interested in receiving?

amazondebs, for what it's worth, I preferred the abruptness of the original ending. The second, slo-mo ending really changes the tone for me. It distracts from the big flourish reveal and brings focus back on the character of the protagonist at a point where I'm not sure you want that. It depends on what you want to accomplish with the story, though: are you trying to get people to re-examine human behavior, or are you providing a slice of the-brutality-of-war story?

Harold is right, it depends on your intention. And you can do whatever you want with your ending, it's your ending.

In this case, it's content suggestions. I can proofread as needed, but when it comes to my own stuff I prefer content suggestions on a first draft.