America, Keep Your Hands Off Our Beloved Chicken Salt 

America, Keep Your Giant Novelty Foam Hands Off Our Chicken Salt

First they came for the flat whites, and I did not speak out, because I was a latte drinker. Well get mad Australian because now Americans want our precious chicken salt as well. It's here that we must make our stand, comedian Lucy Valentine prepares our defence and looks at the other food crazes the USA are stealing from our shores.

In news that has truly, madly, and deeply outraged the punters, citizens of the land of the free have apparently taking a shining to Australia’s culinary pride and joy: chicken salt.

A range of vegan chicken salt created by an American couple popped up in the market via a Kickstarter campaign, and is apparently quite popular in the States. It even features a map of our motherland, but at least Jada’s Chicken Salt has done the respectful thing and left off Tasmania.

Australia is a proud nation, a land truly abounding in nature’s gifts such as the delicate flavours of this shimmering golden salt. We’ve all shared the joy of standing in front of the fish and chip shop lady while she salts ya chips, giving her the old “Bit more, please, love. Bit more.”

Anyone who’s visited the US knows that the place is never short on condiments, and you’ll receive approximately 85 different sauces if you dare order your dinner with a side of fries. These greedy and depraved animals do not even need our chicken salt, and it’s time we stand up for our rights to a future of high blood pressure.

To get to the roots of what’s left us in this pickle (yuck, keep your gross pickles), I reckon we’ve stood by and let them steal too much. First they came for the flat whites, and I did not speak out, because I was a latte drinker.

You didn\'t even do the swirly pattern thing with the milk you fucking savages!

As an Australian in the States earlier this year, I was confronted by America’s vastly different breakfast culture and the deeply distressing absence of avocado. I managed to quell my urges to ask the Denny’s server, “Where’s the bloody smashed avo mate?” and sat eating my 8am biscuits and gravy in sombre silence, quivering from the culture shock I was experiencing. It seems recently, though, that some sneaky citizens have infiltrated our nation and decided to pinch our passion for good coffee. You made your Starbucks, and now you have to lie in it. Sit in it. Whatever.

A few years back the New York Times gushed about Australia’s cafe culture, with our bizarre, outlandish traditions such as coffee that isn’t poured from a filthy glass jug by a woman named Dolly. A few Australian-themed cafes have even sprung up in New York, with names like Brunswick and Little Collins. A quick gander at some Little Collins reviews shows Americans raving about the exotic smashed avocado on toast, but they’ve chucked some pepitas on it which is an absolute disgrace. Show some respect.

See what happens? You let them have our flat whites, and sooner or later they’re nicking the chicken salt. We’ll wake up one day and the Four’N Twenty factories will be a desolate dystopian wasteland, a reminder of better days.

Luckily Americans will never take our Vegemite, because quite frankly they are cowards. How did you manage to win the Cold War when you recoil at a little bit of salty yeast extract?

 Wedges with sweet chilli & sour cream

I never considered this a uniquely Australian dish until I came across many American visitors losing their minds over it. ‘The Australian Bar and Restaurant’ in New York City features it on their menu along with dishes like kangaroo skewers, pies and sausage rolls, a chicken parma and a lamb roast. My eyes are already swelling with tears and national pride, and I swear I can hear Khe Sanh playing in the distance.

Clearly not content with soaking up their watery Bud Light at the end of a big Sunday sesh with Buffalo wings or the buckets of that warm orange cheese I assume they drink nightly, the Americans are coming for our wedges. Be alert, but not alarmed.

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