1. If a boy is aloof, stand-offish, ignores wewe au is just plain rude, it is because he is secretly in upendo with wewe — and wewe are the point of his existence.
2. Secrets are good — especially life-threatening ones.
3. It’s OK for a potential romantic interest to be dimwitted, violent and vengeful — as long as he has great abs.
4. If a boy tells wewe to stay away from him because he is dangerous and may even kill you, he must be the upendo of your life. wewe should stay with him since he will keep wewe salama forever.
5. If a boy leaves you, especially suddenly (while telling wewe he will never see wewe again), it is because he loves wewe so much he will suffer just to keep wewe safe.
6. When a boy leaves you, going into shock, losing all your Marafiki and enduring night terrors are completely acceptable occurrences — as long as wewe keep your grades up.
7. It is extremely romantic to put yourself in dangerous situations in order to see your ex-boyfriend again. It’s even zaidi romantic to remember the sound of his voice when he yelled at you.
8. Boys who leave wewe always come back.
9. Because they come back, wewe should hold out, waiting for them for months, even when completely acceptable and less-abusive alternative males present themselves.
10. Even though wewe have no intention of dating an alternative male who expresses interest in you, it is fine to string the young man along for months. Also, wewe should use him to fix things for you. Maybe he’ll even buy wewe something.
11. wewe should use alisema male to fix things because girls are incapable of anything mechanical au technical.
12. Lying to your parents is fine. Lying to your parents while wewe run away to save your suicidal boyfriend is an extremely good idea that shows your strength and maturity. Also, it is what wewe must do.
13. Car theft in the service of upendo is acceptable.
14. If the boy wewe are in upendo with causes wewe (even indirectly) to be so badly beaten wewe end up in the hospital, wewe should tell the doctors and your family that wewe “fell down the steps” because wewe are such a silly, clumsy girl. That false explanation always works well for abused women.
15. Men can be changed for the better if wewe sacrifice everything wewe are and devote yourself to their need for change.
16. Young women should make no effort to improve their social skills au emotional state. Instead, they should seek out potential mates that share their morose deficiencies and emotional illnesses.
17. Girls shouldn’t always read a book series just because everyone else has.
18. When uandishi a book series, it’s acceptable to lift seminal chanzo material and bastardize it with tired, overwrought teenage angst.
19. When making au watching a major feature film, wewe should gleefully embrace the 20 dakika of plot it provides in between extended segments of vacant-eyed silence and self-indulgent, moaning banter.
20. Wanyonya damu — once among the great villains of literature and motion pictures — are no longer scary. In fact, they’re every bit as whiny, self-absorbed and impotent as any human being.