[Scene: Central Perk, all six are there.]

Monica: Would wewe let it go? It's not that big a deal.

Ross: Not that big a deal? It's amazing. Ok, wewe just reach in there, there's one little maneuver, and bam, a bra right out the sleeve. All right, as far as I'm concerned, there is nothing a guy can do that even comes close. Am I right?

Rachel: Come on! wewe guys can pee standing up.

Chandler: We can? All right, I'm tryin' that.

Joey: Ok, wewe know what blows my mind? Women can see breasts any time they want. wewe just look down and there they are. How wewe get any work done is beyond me.

Phoebe: Oh, ok, wewe know what I don't get? The way guys can do so many mean things, and then not even care.

(Long pause.)

Ross: Multiple orgasms!

Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, all are there.]

Chandler: So, Saturday night, the big night, tarehe night, Saturday night, Sat-ur-day night!

Joey: No plans, huh?

Chandler: Not a one.

Ross: Not even, say, breaking up with Janice?

Chandler: Oh, right, right, shut up.

Monica: Chandler, nobody likes breaking up with someone. wewe just gotta do it.

Chandler: No, I know, but it's just so hard, wewe know? I mean, you're sitting there with her, she has no idea what's happening, and then wewe finally get up the courage to do it, and there's the horrible awkward moment when you've handed her the note.

Joey: Why do wewe have to break up with her? Be a man, just stop calling.

Phoebe: wewe know, if wewe want, I'll do it with you.

Chandler: Oh, thanks, but I think she'd feel like we're gangin' up on her.

Phoebe: No, I mean wewe break up with Janice and I'll break up with Tony.

Ross: Tony?

Monica: Oh, you're breaking up with Tony?

Phoebe: Yeah, I know, he's sweet, but it's just not fun anymore, wewe know? I don't know if it's me, au his hunger strike, or, I don't know.

Rachel: (waitressing) Does anybody want anything else?

Ross: Oh, yeah, last week wewe had a wonderful, nutty, chocolatey kind of a cakey pie thing. (Rachel gives him a dirty look) Nothing, just, just, I'm fine.

Phoebe: (to Rachel) What's the matter? Why so scrunchy?

Rachel: It's my father. He wants to give me a Mercedes convertible.

Ross: That guy, he burns me up.

Rachel: Yeah, well, it's a Mercedes if I songesha back home. Oh, it was horrible. He called me young lady.

Chandler: Ooh, I hate when my father calls me that.

Monica: Did he give wewe that whole "You're-not-up-to-this" thing again?

Rachel: Oh, yeah, yeah. Actually, I got the extended disco version, with three choruses of "You'll never make it on your own".

Phoebe: (rhythmically) Uh-huh, uh-huh.

(Angela, a beautiful woman in a tight dress, enters.)

Angela: Hi, Joey.

Joey: My god, Angela.

(Angela takes a kiti, kiti cha at the counter.)

Monica: Wow, being dumped kwa wewe obviously agrees with her.

Phoebe: Are wewe gonna go over there?

Joey: No, yeah, no, ok, but not yet. I don't wanna seem too eager. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi. That seems pretty cool. (he walks over to her) Hey, Angela.

Angela: (casually) Joey.

Joey: wewe look good.

Angela: That's because I'm wearing a dress that accents my boobs.

Joey: wewe don't say.

(Cut to Ross and Rachel, talking inayofuata to one of the tables.)

Ross: So, uh, Rachel, what are you, uh, what're wewe doing tonight?

Rachel: Oh, big glamour night. Me and Monica at Laundorama.

Ross: Oh, wewe uh, wewe wanna hear a freaky coincidence? Guess who's doing laundry there too?

Rachel: Who?

Ross: Me. Was that not clear? Hey, why don't, um, why don't I just jiunge wewe both, here?

Rachel: Don't wewe have a laundry room in your building?

Ross: Yes, I do have a laundry room in my building, um, but there's a.... panya problem. Apparently they're attracted to the dryer sheets, and they're goin' in fine, but they're comin' out all.... fluffy. Anyway, say, sevenish?

Rachel: Sure.

(Cut back to Joey and Angela at the counter.)

Angela: Forget it Joey. I'm with Bob now.

Joey: Bob? Who the hell's Bob?

Angela: Bob is great. He's smart, he's sophisticated, and he has a real job. You, wewe go on three auditions a mwezi and wewe call yourself an actor, but Bob...

Joey: Come on, we were great together. And not just at the fun stuff, but like, talking too.

Angela: Yeah, well, sorry, Joe. wewe alisema let's just be friends, so guess what?

Joey: What?

Angela: We're just friends.

Joey: Fine, fine, so, why don't the four of us go out and have chajio, chakula cha jioni together tonight? wewe know, as friends?

Angela: What four of us?

Joey: wewe know, wewe and Bob, and me and my girlfriend, uh, uh, Monica.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment, Joey is there, trying to convince Monica to pose as his girlfriend. His plan is to hook Monica up with Angela's boyfriend Bob and then take Angela back for himself.]

Joey: Monica, I'm tellin' you, this guy is perfect for you.

Monica: Forget it. Not after your cousin who could belch the alphabet.

Joey: Come on. This guy's great. His name's Bob. He's Angela's... brother. He's smart, he's sophisticated, and he has a real job. Me, I go on three auditions a mwezi and call myself an actor, but Bob is...

Monica: (looking out window) Oh, god help us.

Joey: What?

Monica: Ugly Naked Guy's laying jikoni tile. Eww!

Joey: Eww! Look, I'm asking a favor here. If I do this for her brother, maybe Angela will come back to me.

Monica: What's going on here? wewe go out with tons of girls.

Joey: (proud) I know, but, I made a huge mistake. I never should have broken up with her. Will wewe help me? Please?

[Scene: Ross' apartment, Chandler is over.]

Ross: (on phone) Ok, bye. (hangs up) Well, Monica's not coming, it's just gonna be me and Rachel.

Chandler: Oh. Well, hold on camper, are wewe sure you've thought this thing through?

Ross: It's laundry. The thinking through is minimal.

Chandler: It's just wewe and Rachel, just the two of you? This is a date. You're going on a date.

Ross: Nuh-uh.

Chandler: Yuh-huh.

Ross: So what're wewe saying here? I should shave again, pick up some wine, what?

Chandler: Well, wewe may wanna rethink the dirty underwear. This is basically the first time she's gonna see your underwear—you want it to be dirty?

Ross: (sheepish) No.

Chandler: Oh, and uh, the fabric softener?

Ross: Ok, ok, now what is wrong with my Snuggles? What, it says I'm a sensitive, warm kinda guy, wewe know, like a warm, fuzzy bear. Ok, I can pick something else up on the way.

Chandler: There wewe go.

[Scene: A fancy restaurant, Joey and Monica are there, meeting Angela and Bob, who Monica thinks is Angela's brother.]

Monica: Thank you. So what does this Bob guy look like? Is he tall? Short?

Joey: Yep.

Monica: Which?

Joey: Which what?

Monica: You've never met Bob, have you?

Joey: No, but he's...

Monica: Oh my god, Joey, for all we know this guy could be horribly...

(Angela and Bob walk in. Bob is good-looking.)

Angela: Hey, Joey.

Monica: ...horribly attractive. I'll be shutting up now.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Phoebe are there, both ready to break up with their significant others.]

Chandler: Where are they? Where are they?

Phoebe: This is nice. We never do anything just the two of us.

Chandler: It's great. Maybe tomorrow we can rent a car and run over some puppies.

Phoebe: Eww, I don't wanna do that.

(Janice and Phoebe's boyfriend, Tony, walk in.)

Chandler: Here we go.

Phoebe: Ok, have a good break-up.

Chandler: Hey, Janice.

Janice: Oh, my god, I am so glad wewe called me. I had the most supremely awful day.

Chandler: Hey, that's not good. Can I get an espresso and a latte over here, please?

Janice: We got the proofs back from that picha shoot, wewe know, the one with the little vegetables. Anyway, they pretty much sucked, so, I blew off the rest of the day, and I went shopping...(looks through her bags)... and I got you, I'm looking, I'm looking, I'm looking, I got you...

(Chandler sees Phoebe breaking up with Tony. She talks to him for a few seconds, hugs him, and then he leaves. Chandler is amazed how easy it was for her.)

Chandler: What?

Janice: What?

Chandler: (covering) What... did wewe get me there?

Janice: I got you...these. (pulls out a pair of socks)

Chandler: Bullwinkle socks. That's so sweet.

Janice: Well, I knew wewe had the Rockys, and so I figured, wewe know, wewe can wear Bullwinkle and Bullwinkle, au wewe can wear Rocky and Rocky,or, wewe can mix and match, moose and squirrel. Whatever wewe want.

Chandler: That's great.

(The drinks arrive, and Chandler downs his espresso in one gulp.)

Chandler: Well, I'm gonna get another espresso. Can I get wewe another latte?

Janice: (holding the full cup) No, no, I'm still working on mine.

(Chandler walks over to the counter where Phoebe is, and is asking her about the break-up.)

Chandler: That's it?

Phoebe: Yeah, it was really hard.

Chandler: Oh, yeah, that hug looked pretty brutal.

Phoebe: Ok, wewe weren't there.

[Scene: The Launderama, Rachel is there, waiting for Ross. An old woman takes Rachel's clothes off the machine and begins inapakia it with her things.]

Woman: Comin' through. Move, move.

Rachel: Oh, 'scuse me. I was kinda using that machine.

Woman: Yeah, well, now you're kinda not.

Rachel: But I saved it. I put my basket on top.

Woman: Oh, I'm sorry, is that your basket? It's really pretty. Unfortunately, I don't see suds.

Rachel: What?

Woman: No suds, no save. Ok?

(Ross arrives.)

Ross: What's goin' on?

Rachel: Hi, uh, nothing. That horrible woman just took my machine.

Ross: Was your basket on top?

Rachel: Yeah, but, there were no suds.

Ross: So?

Rachel: Well, wewe know, no suds, no save.

Ross: No suds? Excuse me, hold on a second. (to woman) That's my friend's machine.

Woman: Hey, hey, hey, her stuff wasn't in it.

Ross: Hey, hey, hey, that's not the rule and wewe know it.

(The woman and Ross stare at each other. Finally she takes her stuff out of the machine and leaves.)

Ross: (to the crowd in the laundromat) All right, show's over. Nothing to see here. (to Rachel) Ok, let's do laundry.

Rachel: That was amazing. I can't even send back soup.

Ross: Well, that's because you're such a sweet, gentle, uh...Do you, uh, do you...Oh, hey, uh wewe must need detergent.

(Ross pulls out a huge box of laundry detergent.)

Rachel: What's that?

Ross: Uberveiss. It's new, it's German, it's extra-tough.

(Rachel starts to load her clothes.)

Ross: Rach, do wewe uh, are wewe gonna separate those?

Rachel: Oh god. Oh, am I being like a total laundry spaz? I mean, am I supposed to use like one machine for shirts and another machine for pants?

Ross: Rach, have wewe never done this before?

Rachel: Well, not myself, but I know other people that have. Ok, wewe caught me. I'm a laundry virgin.

Ross: Uh, well, don't worry, I'll use the gentle cycle. Ok, um, basically wewe wanna use one machine for all your whites, a whole nother machine for colors, and a third for your uh, your uh, delicates, and that would be your bras and your under-panty things.

Rachel: (holds a pair of panties in front of Ross) Ok, Well, what about these are white cotton panties. Would they go with whites au delicates?

Ross: (visibly nervous) Uh, that, that, that would be a judgment call.

[Scene: Fancy restaurant, Monica, Joey, Angela, and Bob are seated at the table.]

Monica: (to Joey) He is so cute. (to Angela and Bob) So, where did wewe guys grow up?

Angela: Brooklyn Heights.

Bob: Cleveland.

Monica: How, how did that happen?

Joey: Oh my god.

Monica: What?

Joey: I suddenly had the feeling that I was falling. But I'm not.

Commercial Break
[Scene: Fancy restaurant, Joey and Bob are talking.]

Joey: So, wewe and Angela, huh?

Bob: Yep. Pretty much.

Joey: You're a lucky man. wewe know what I miss the most about her? That cute nibbly noise when she eats. Like a happy little squirrel, au a weasel.

Bob: Huh, I never really noticed.

Joey: Oh, yeah, yeah, listen for it.

Bob: Monica, Monica is great.

Joey: Yeah, but it's not gonna last. She's too much for me in bed. Sexually.

[Scene: The ladies' bathroom at the restaurant, Monica and Angela are talking.]

Monica: I've gotta tell you, Bob is terrific.

Angela: Yeah, isn't he?

Monica: It is so great to meet a guy who is smart and funny, and has an emotional age beyond, like eight.

Angela: wewe know what else? He's unbelievable in bed.

Monica: Wow. My brother never even told me when he Lost his virginity.

Angela: Huh. That's nice.

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is coaching Chandler on how to break up with Janice.]

Phoebe: Ok, wewe can do this. It's just like pulling off a Band-aid. Just do it really fast, and then the wound is exposed.

(Chandler walks back to couch, where Janice is.)

Chandler: Janice. Hi, Janice. Ok, here we go. I don't think we should go out anymore. Janice.

Janice: All right. Well, there wewe go. (she gets extremely wound up, and begins to try and calm herself down) Stop it, stop it, stop it.

[Scene: The laundromat.]

Rachel: Ok, I know this is gonna sound really stupid, but I feel that if I can do this, wewe know, if I can actually do my own laundry, there isn't anything I can't do.

Ross: That does not sound stupid to me. wewe know, it's like the first time I had to make chajio, chakula cha jioni for myself, after Carol left me? (the buzzer on the washer goes off) I'm sorry, that's all the time we have. inayofuata on Ross...(opens up the washer) Uh-oh.

Rachel: What uh-oh?

Ross: (not wanting to tell her) Uh-oh, uh-oh, the laundry's done. It's, uh, it's a song. The laundry song that we sing. (singing) Uh-oh the laundry's done, uh-oh, uh-oh.

Rachel: Ross, what's the matter?

Ross: Nothing, nothing. Lee-lo, the laundry's done.

Rachel: Come on, onyesha me.

Ross: All right, all right, it's just that wewe left a red sock in with all your whites, and now, everything's kinda pink.

Rachel: Oh, everything's pink.

Ross: Yeah, uh, except for the red sock, which is still red. I'm sorry, please don't be upset, it could happen to anyone.

Rachel: Except it didn't. It happened to me. Oh, god, I'm gonna look like a big marshmallow peep. What am I doing? What am I doing? My father's right. I can't live on my own! I can't even do laundry!

(The woman who had tried to steal the washing machine walks by, and laughs.)

[Scene: The fancy restaurant, Angela has her hand in Bob's shirt, and Monica is very uncomfortable.]

Monica: Something went wrong with Underdog, and they couldn't get his head to inflate. So anyway, um, his head is like flopping down Broadway, right, and I'm just thinking... how inappropriate this is. Um, I've got something in my eye, uh, Joey, could we check it in the light, please?

(Her and Joey walk away from the table.)

Monica: Oh my god.

Joey: What?

Monica: Hello! Were we at the same table? It's like... cocktails in Appalachia.

Joey: Come on, they're close.

Monica: Close? She's got her tongue in his ear.

Joey: Oh, like you've never gotten a little rambunctious with Ross.

Monica: Joey, this is sick, it's disgusting, it's, it's—not really true, is it?

Joey: Well, who's to say what's true? I mean...

Monica: Oh my god, what were wewe thinking?

Joey: All right, look, I'm not proud of this, ok? Well, maybe I am a little.

Monica: (hits him lightly) Oh!

Joey: Ow!

Monica: (leaving) I'm outta here.

Joey: Wait, wait, wait. wewe want him, I want her. He likes you.

Monica: Really?

Joey: Yeah. I'm thinking, if we put our heads together, between the two of us, we can break them up.

[Time lapse, Monica accidentally spilled her drink on Bob's shati and is wiping it off. Joey is making eyes at Angela.]

Monica: I'm so sorry, I can't believe I did this, but I couldn't stop laughing at your Norman Mailer story.

(Angela is eating chicken wings and making the weasel-like noise Joey had told Bob about.)

Joey: Uh, waiter, one zaidi plate of chicken wings over here.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is still trying to ease things over with Janice, and there are about a dozen empty espresso cups in front of him. He is extremely wired.]

Chandler: Here's the thing, Janice. wewe know, I mean, it's like we're different. I'm like the bing, bing, bing. You're like the boom, boom, (Chandler flails his hand out and hits Janice in the eye)... boom.

Janice: Ow!

Chandler: Oh, my god, I'm so sorry. Are wewe ok?

Janice: Ow. Um, it's just my lens. It's just my lens. I'll be right back.

(She leaves.)

Chandler: (to Phoebe) I hit her in the eye! I hit her in the eye! This is the worst break-up in the history of the world.

Phoebe: Oh my god. (Chandler downs another espresso.) How many of those have wewe had?

Chandler: Oh, I don't know, a million?

Phoebe: Chandler, easy, easy. Go to your happy place. La la la la la la la.

Chandler: I'm fine.

Phoebe: All right.

(Janice returns from the bathroom.)

Chandler: I'm not fine. Here she comes.

Phoebe: Wait here. Breathe.

(Phoebe goes over to speak to Janice. She talks to her for a few seconds, and then Janice immediately smiles, hugs her, waves to Chandler, and leaves.)

Chandler: How do wewe do that?

Phoebe: It's like a gift.

Chandler: We should always always break up together.

Phoebe: Oh, I'd like that.

[Scene: The Launderama. Rachel is sorting her now-pink clothes.]

Ross: wewe got the clothes clean. Now that's the important part.

Rachel: Oh, I guess. Except everything looks like jammies now.

(The same woman walks over and takes Rachel's laundry cart.)

Rachel: Whoa, I'm sorry. Excuse me. We had this cart.

Woman: Yeah, well, I had a 24-inch waist. wewe lose things. Now come on, get outta my way.

(Rachel looks at Ross, who motions to her to get the gari back.)

Rachel: I'm sorry, wewe know, maybe I wasn't being clear. Uh, this is our cart.

Woman: Hey, hey, hujambo there aren't any clothes in it.

Rachel: Hey, hey, hey, hey, quit making up rules!

Woman: Let go!

(They struggle for the cart. Finally, Rachel climbs inside of it.)

Rachel: All right, listen, missy. If wewe want this cart, you're gonna have to take me with it!

(She thinks it over, and then walks away.)

Rachel: (to Ross) Yes! Did wewe see that?

Ross: wewe were incredible! Brand new woman, ladies and gentlemen.

Rachel: I could not have done this without you.

(Rachel stands up and kisses Ross. He is stunned. A moment of silence follows.)

Ross: Ok, um, uh, zaidi clothes in the dryer? (Ross turns and bangs his head on an open dryer door.) I'm fine, I'm fine.

Rachel: Are wewe sure?

Ross: No.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are there. Ross has an icepack to his head.]

Rachel: Oh, are wewe sure you're ok?

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Does it still hurt?

Ross: Yeah.

Phoebe: (seeing Rachel's clothes) What a neat idea. All your clothes match. I'm gonna do this.

(Monica and Joey enter.)

Monica: Hi.

Phoebe: Hey, how'd it go?

Joey: Excellent.

Monica: We ripped that couple apart, and kept the pieces for ourselves.

Ross: What a beautiful story. Hey, I'm fine kwa the way.

Monica: (notices his head) Oh, I'm sorry.

Rachel: Where's Chandler?

Phoebe: Oh, he needed some time to grieve.

(Chandler runs kwa the window outside, joyous.)

Chandler: I'm free! I'm free!

Phoebe: That oughta do it.

End