I have no one to share this with except the family I have on here. Does anyone else feel like this?

It's like when wewe have this one person wewe care about to the point where wewe feel like there untouchable, wewe can't touch them, because wewe upendo them so much. And wewe feel hopeless inside, because wewe will never get the chance to. When all wewe have left of that person is memories and thoughts, wewe become numb to reality. Like it's hard to breath outside your mind. and wewe can't do anything about it. and so each siku that goes kwa is just another waste because that person is gone. And its so hard to understand why such a perfect person has to leave. It's really hard to understand. Why him? I use to think i'll get over it, but I haven't and if I wanted to I don't know how. Like i'm stuck in a cycle and theirs no way out. No back door to run to. And I feel as if i have become numb to the fact I'll never see him again. I'm drowned in all of this emotion that has taken place in me.     I have no control, no say so. I'm just the victim of this thing that might end up killing me slowly. I've become so numb that I don't know if I can cry anymore. I try forcing myself, but nothing comes out. So i'm left with these thoughts running through my head starving me to death with no apology. It's like I blame myself for this happening to him. I was a little child in upendo with him, my moyo would've done anything to save him from this terrible death. I don't really smile anymore. I keep replaying in my head over and over again "He's gone" and my moyo aches, but nothing shows of my emotions Every morning I wake up with a empty moyo that can only feel pain. I don't know what to do with myself. it's been about 6 years and I still can't give him up. But what hurts the most is that I can never hold him in my arms and tell him sorry for the way people treated him, I can never look into his eyes and see them staring back at me. I can never kiss all his wounds. And I'm left here empty. The only thing that is keeping me alive is his hope that is in the air. The sound of waves au the sound