2x01
Nathan: (wanking in his coffin) Ah… Take it to the edge. Oh! Pull it back… Pull it back… Oh! Make it last, wewe little tease! Okay, crank it up! Crank it up! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! wewe upendo it, wewe beautiful bastard!
***
Kelly: So if you’re not dead, how come wewe smell so bad?
Nathan: I appear to have shat myself.
Alisha: Were wewe having a wank in there?
Nathan: Yeah, so what if I was? A man can’t enjoy a quick shuffle in his own coffin? It’s not like I was expecting visitors.
***
Nathan: I need to eat. Has anyone got a kebab?
***
Nathan: Yeah, so my mum opens the door and she’s like ‘Aaaaaaahh!’ and I’m like ‘I’m immortal!’ And then she fainted, face plants on the radio and there’s just blood and teeth everywhere.
Kelly: Is she alright?
Nathan: Yeah, yeah! She’s fine. She’s fine. Apart from the whole… face. Kind of put a downer on the whole thing.
***
Nathan: So did wewe cry at my funeral? I bet there was loads of girls there all crying, wishing they’d sh*gged me while I was still alive. Too late, ladies! This ship has sailed.
Kelly: You’re such a d*ckhead.
Nathan: Aw, I missed wewe too!
***
Nathan: (after taking a dump) I don’t know what is going on with my guts! It’s all hot kuvuka, msalaba buns and Easter eggs when Jesus gets resurrected.
***
Nathan: Seriously? I spend a few hours in the toilet and I miss all that? Life is just passing me by!
***
Simon: We should set up a password. Then we can say it to each other so we know it’s us.
Nathan: Monkeyslut!
Alisha: We are not having ‘monkeyslut’ as a password.
Nathan: What are the chances of that being used in a normal conversation? Kind of low, no?
Kelly: Alright, just go with it. Monkeyslut.
Nathan: Yeeaaah!
***
Nathan: That dead chick was the other probation workers fiancée. What if this new one’s his brother?
Simon: He’s white. Tony was black.
Nathan: Adopted brother! Adopted kids are nut jobs.
***
Nathan: The siren call of the bl*wjob renders all men powerless. That’s how girls trick wewe into marrying them.
***
(Everyone’s looking at the dead probation worker in the freezer)
Nathan: Tsk tsk tsk…. Oh hujambo man! Cornettos!
***
2x02
Nathan: Who says wewe can’t have an ASBO and an all-over tan?
***
Nathan: (on the phone) Oh, hujambo Dad, it’s your son, Nathan. So here’s the thing – my brother came to see me today, but I haven’t got a brother. So who’s this? It’s my brother? What the f*ck! Anyway, so uh, call me.
***
Nathan: Shall we say, uh, 100 quid? I’m thinking I do you, wewe do me, and we all end up in a hot tub. And there’s an extra 20 in it if wewe tie me up and hit my b*lls with a cactus.
***
Nathan's father: Like you’ve never done anything wrong. We’re not so different, wewe know.
Nathan: We are completely different. I’m gracefully tall, you’re freakishly short.
Nathan's father: Where do wewe get this stuff?
Nathan: I don’t know. It just comes to me. I have a gift.
***
Nathan: That’s right, Dad. Walk away with your tiny little legs, wewe F*CKING midget!
***
Nathan: Have wewe got any brothers?
Simon: A sister.
Nathan: Is she cute? wewe should think about getting me and her together. hujambo man, someone’s going to. Better be a close friend, someone wewe can trust (rotates hips), to be gentle and respectful. Me.
Simon: She’s twelve!
***
Nathan: My eighth birthday, right? He’s supposed to be taking me out for the day, so he takes me to Ikea. And he buys so much of that flat pack furniture that there’s no room for me in the car. So he leaves me there, for three hours. And then some guy with a beard sees me hanging around and then buys me lunch. I spent my eighth birthday eating Swedish meatballs with a known pedophile.
***
Nathan: Fellow in the inayofuata cubicle. wewe got any toilet roll?
Simon: Nathan? It’s me.
Nathan: Barry? hujambo man, help me out!
***
Nathan: Do wewe want my advice? wewe find a nice, sweet, innocent girl and take advantage of her.
Simon: Can’t use your power like that.
Nathan: I don’t see it happening for you, otherwise. Maybe we need to build up your confidence, first. Let’s get wewe a prostitute. There’s a girl on the estate, right? She’s not all that, looks-wise, not since the accident. But she looks clean, clean enough for what wewe want.
***
Nathan: I’ve known wewe didn’t give a sh*t ever since wewe left me in Ikea with that pedophile.
Mike: What pedophile?
Nathan: My eighth birthday. Ikea? The guy with the Swedish meatballs?
Mike: I don’t remember that!
Nathan: How very convenient!
Mike: Is this about that guy who was seeing your mum who wewe alisema was trying to sexually abuse you?
Nathan: No, no, no, no. I made that up. This is something else. Ikea pedophile! Jesus. Meatballs!
***
Nathan: Look, so I’m pretty much a complete write-off. That’s fine. Whatever. And so he hit wewe with a kibaniko, mashine ya kubanika mkate and kidnapped you, but wewe know what they say? Don’t f*ck a wounded bear!
***
Nathan: I’m going to take a sh*t in his bed.
Alisha: What?
Simon: I don’t think wewe should do that.
Nathan: We need to send a message; let him know he can’t f*ck with us.
Curtis: And how does taking a sh*t in his kitanda do that exactly?
Nathan: Well, they did it in The Godfather.
Simon: They put a horse’s head in the bed.
Nathan: Well, have wewe got a horse’s head?
***
2x03
Nathan: So whose c*ck is this?
Vince: That’s mine.
Nathan: Really? I’m not being funny, but why would wewe do something like that?
Vince: It expresses how I felt about my girlfriend when she left me.
Nathan: wewe couldn’t just get drunk and sleep with a prostitute?
***
(After Nathan kisses him)
Simon: What are wewe doing?
Nathan: wewe don’t know how much I’ve always wanted to do that. Feel my moyo – it’s racing! It’s okay! It’s okay. I’ll be gentle. Why don’t we slip your trousers off? (Struggles to remove Simon’s pants) It’s alright! We don’t have to fight any longer. I want to see it! (Simon pushes him off and runs) Simon! Simon, don’t go! We don’t have to go all the way, we can just cuddle! And when you’re ready, we can do some dry h*mping! Call me!
***
Nathan: (writing Simon a letter) If wewe open your heart, I know we can have something really beautiful. Yours… Forever, Nathan.
***
Kelly: What have I told wewe about dicking around with Simon?
Nathan: Who’s dicking around?
Kelly: wewe put your tongue in his mouth!
Nathan: Ah, Jesus. Alright, alright. So I got a bit fresh with him. I was staring into those big beautiful eyes; he’s like a… he’s like a handsome shark! I couldn’t help myself. I upendo him.
Kelly: Oh, you’re a dick!
Nathan: Oh, do my feelings for him offend you? Well, I’m sorry, because they’re true! And pure- Well, they’re true. I can’t pretend any longer, I won’t. (Thinks) I’ve never felt like this about anyone. He completes me.
Kelly: Uh, that’s from Jerry McGuire!
Nathan: Yeah, I know. I watched it four times last night. It’s like he’s Tom and I’m Renee and (looks at Kelly) someone else is the ugly specky kid.
Kelly: Are wewe telling me you’re gay au something?
Nathan: Gay. Straight. Retarded. Why do we have to put labels on everything?
***
Nathan: It’s much easier to humiliate, degrade and just generally shit all over someone, than it is to admit that wewe upendo them!
***
Nathan: (to Simon) It’s just so hard when you’re so cute, and I’m so horny, and there’s only a couple of thin layers of cotton separating our genitals.
***
Nathan: hujambo man! upendo hurts, okay? It chews wewe up and spits wewe out, like a big ball of mucus.
***
(After SuperHoodie drops off a packet)
Simon: It’s peanuts. Dry roasted.
Nathan: All that drama and he drops off a snack?
Kelly: Why is he giving us peanuts?
Nathan: Maybe he knows I missed lunch. (Notices Curtis’s eye-roll) I suppose you’ve got a better explanation than that?
Curtis: Anything… anything wewe could possibly come up with would be better than that!
***
2x04
Tim: Where’s Conti?
Nathan: (points at Simon) Oh, it’s him. He’s a right Conti.
***
Nathan: Hey, New Guy. Sorry wewe got shot, man.
Ollie: (gives Nathan the finger)
Nathan: (gives Ollie the finger) Hey, f*ck you!
Curtis: What was that?
Alisha: He just got shot in the face and you’re insulting him?
Nathan: He made an obscene gesture! I don’t care if he’s dead; there’s no excuse for rudeness.
***
Nathan: (to Shaun) It’s a cruel senseless waste. A young man, taken from us in his prime, leaving us to pick up the pieces of our shattered lives, knowing that he’s gone forever. So maybe, we should have the rest of the week off, wewe know, to cry and grieve and remember our dear friend…….? (Snaps fingers at Simon)
Simon: Ollie.
Nathan: Ollie! Dear, beautiful Ollie!
***
Simon: (talking about Ollie getting shot) We can’t just pretend that it didn’t happen.
Nathan: Hey, I do that all the time. It’s like the fellow in the Bible, the Good Samaritan? “Walk on by”?
***
Nathan: Yeah, okay. Let’s rob a bank.
Shaun: What’s that?
Simon: Nothing.
Shaun: Really? That’s funny, innit? Cause to me it sounded like a plan to rob a bank.
Nathan: No, no. I said, uh, “Let’s have a big wank.” Communal masturbation. The old mduara, duara Jerk.
***
2x05
Nathan: Some bastard killed me last night.
Kelly: Are wewe winding us up?
Nathan: No, no. kuvuka, msalaba my moyo and hope to die. au not.
***
Nathan: It’s her.
Curtis: Who?
Nathan: The cute smiley maarufu girl. I think she murdered me.
Alisha: I thought wewe alisema wewe didn’t know who it was.
Nathan: No, no. It’s all coming back to me now. She was here, last night. And I was in the locker room watching her getting changed.
Curtis: Oh, nice.
Nathan: No, I walked in on her. She was right there, bent over, pointing her cute a*se at me. What am I supposed to do, poke my eyes out with a stick? I am telling you, the b*tch killed me. Oh, Jesus! She’s after Barry!
***
Nathan: Come on, man. It all adds up. Do the maths.
Simon: There is no maths.
Nathan: Right. She was here, PLUS no one else was around, TIMES she caught me leering at her semi-naked, DIVIDED kwa all the weird shit that happens to us, EQUALS guilty!
***
Nathan: Oh my god, really? She’s a beautiful girl and she’s here, in the community centre.
Simon: So?
Nathan: So, I seem to remember a similar scenario that resulted in me having sex with an 82 mwaka old woman.
Curtis: And then there’s that shape shifter girl. She was mental.
Kelly: Yeah, look what happened with wewe and that probation worker.
Nathan: And, did wewe know that some of these marathon runners sh*t themselves?
***
Nathan: She’s like one of those evil B*tch spiders. They lure wewe into their web, they sh*g you, then they kill wewe and then they eat their own feces.
***
Nathan: Does anyone else feel like a total c*nt?
***
Nathan: Why is a gorilla wearing a gorilla costume?
***
Nathan: (wanking in his coffin) Ah… Take it to the edge. Oh! Pull it back… Pull it back… Oh! Make it last, wewe little tease! Okay, crank it up! Crank it up! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! wewe upendo it, wewe beautiful bastard!
***
Kelly: So if you’re not dead, how come wewe smell so bad?
Nathan: I appear to have shat myself.
Alisha: Were wewe having a wank in there?
Nathan: Yeah, so what if I was? A man can’t enjoy a quick shuffle in his own coffin? It’s not like I was expecting visitors.
***
Nathan: I need to eat. Has anyone got a kebab?
***
Nathan: Yeah, so my mum opens the door and she’s like ‘Aaaaaaahh!’ and I’m like ‘I’m immortal!’ And then she fainted, face plants on the radio and there’s just blood and teeth everywhere.
Kelly: Is she alright?
Nathan: Yeah, yeah! She’s fine. She’s fine. Apart from the whole… face. Kind of put a downer on the whole thing.
***
Nathan: So did wewe cry at my funeral? I bet there was loads of girls there all crying, wishing they’d sh*gged me while I was still alive. Too late, ladies! This ship has sailed.
Kelly: You’re such a d*ckhead.
Nathan: Aw, I missed wewe too!
***
Nathan: (after taking a dump) I don’t know what is going on with my guts! It’s all hot kuvuka, msalaba buns and Easter eggs when Jesus gets resurrected.
***
Nathan: Seriously? I spend a few hours in the toilet and I miss all that? Life is just passing me by!
***
Simon: We should set up a password. Then we can say it to each other so we know it’s us.
Nathan: Monkeyslut!
Alisha: We are not having ‘monkeyslut’ as a password.
Nathan: What are the chances of that being used in a normal conversation? Kind of low, no?
Kelly: Alright, just go with it. Monkeyslut.
Nathan: Yeeaaah!
***
Nathan: That dead chick was the other probation workers fiancée. What if this new one’s his brother?
Simon: He’s white. Tony was black.
Nathan: Adopted brother! Adopted kids are nut jobs.
***
Nathan: The siren call of the bl*wjob renders all men powerless. That’s how girls trick wewe into marrying them.
***
(Everyone’s looking at the dead probation worker in the freezer)
Nathan: Tsk tsk tsk…. Oh hujambo man! Cornettos!
***
2x02
Nathan: Who says wewe can’t have an ASBO and an all-over tan?
***
Nathan: (on the phone) Oh, hujambo Dad, it’s your son, Nathan. So here’s the thing – my brother came to see me today, but I haven’t got a brother. So who’s this? It’s my brother? What the f*ck! Anyway, so uh, call me.
***
Nathan: Shall we say, uh, 100 quid? I’m thinking I do you, wewe do me, and we all end up in a hot tub. And there’s an extra 20 in it if wewe tie me up and hit my b*lls with a cactus.
***
Nathan's father: Like you’ve never done anything wrong. We’re not so different, wewe know.
Nathan: We are completely different. I’m gracefully tall, you’re freakishly short.
Nathan's father: Where do wewe get this stuff?
Nathan: I don’t know. It just comes to me. I have a gift.
***
Nathan: That’s right, Dad. Walk away with your tiny little legs, wewe F*CKING midget!
***
Nathan: Have wewe got any brothers?
Simon: A sister.
Nathan: Is she cute? wewe should think about getting me and her together. hujambo man, someone’s going to. Better be a close friend, someone wewe can trust (rotates hips), to be gentle and respectful. Me.
Simon: She’s twelve!
***
Nathan: My eighth birthday, right? He’s supposed to be taking me out for the day, so he takes me to Ikea. And he buys so much of that flat pack furniture that there’s no room for me in the car. So he leaves me there, for three hours. And then some guy with a beard sees me hanging around and then buys me lunch. I spent my eighth birthday eating Swedish meatballs with a known pedophile.
***
Nathan: Fellow in the inayofuata cubicle. wewe got any toilet roll?
Simon: Nathan? It’s me.
Nathan: Barry? hujambo man, help me out!
***
Nathan: Do wewe want my advice? wewe find a nice, sweet, innocent girl and take advantage of her.
Simon: Can’t use your power like that.
Nathan: I don’t see it happening for you, otherwise. Maybe we need to build up your confidence, first. Let’s get wewe a prostitute. There’s a girl on the estate, right? She’s not all that, looks-wise, not since the accident. But she looks clean, clean enough for what wewe want.
***
Nathan: I’ve known wewe didn’t give a sh*t ever since wewe left me in Ikea with that pedophile.
Mike: What pedophile?
Nathan: My eighth birthday. Ikea? The guy with the Swedish meatballs?
Mike: I don’t remember that!
Nathan: How very convenient!
Mike: Is this about that guy who was seeing your mum who wewe alisema was trying to sexually abuse you?
Nathan: No, no, no, no. I made that up. This is something else. Ikea pedophile! Jesus. Meatballs!
***
Nathan: Look, so I’m pretty much a complete write-off. That’s fine. Whatever. And so he hit wewe with a kibaniko, mashine ya kubanika mkate and kidnapped you, but wewe know what they say? Don’t f*ck a wounded bear!
***
Nathan: I’m going to take a sh*t in his bed.
Alisha: What?
Simon: I don’t think wewe should do that.
Nathan: We need to send a message; let him know he can’t f*ck with us.
Curtis: And how does taking a sh*t in his kitanda do that exactly?
Nathan: Well, they did it in The Godfather.
Simon: They put a horse’s head in the bed.
Nathan: Well, have wewe got a horse’s head?
***
2x03
Nathan: So whose c*ck is this?
Vince: That’s mine.
Nathan: Really? I’m not being funny, but why would wewe do something like that?
Vince: It expresses how I felt about my girlfriend when she left me.
Nathan: wewe couldn’t just get drunk and sleep with a prostitute?
***
(After Nathan kisses him)
Simon: What are wewe doing?
Nathan: wewe don’t know how much I’ve always wanted to do that. Feel my moyo – it’s racing! It’s okay! It’s okay. I’ll be gentle. Why don’t we slip your trousers off? (Struggles to remove Simon’s pants) It’s alright! We don’t have to fight any longer. I want to see it! (Simon pushes him off and runs) Simon! Simon, don’t go! We don’t have to go all the way, we can just cuddle! And when you’re ready, we can do some dry h*mping! Call me!
***
Nathan: (writing Simon a letter) If wewe open your heart, I know we can have something really beautiful. Yours… Forever, Nathan.
***
Kelly: What have I told wewe about dicking around with Simon?
Nathan: Who’s dicking around?
Kelly: wewe put your tongue in his mouth!
Nathan: Ah, Jesus. Alright, alright. So I got a bit fresh with him. I was staring into those big beautiful eyes; he’s like a… he’s like a handsome shark! I couldn’t help myself. I upendo him.
Kelly: Oh, you’re a dick!
Nathan: Oh, do my feelings for him offend you? Well, I’m sorry, because they’re true! And pure- Well, they’re true. I can’t pretend any longer, I won’t. (Thinks) I’ve never felt like this about anyone. He completes me.
Kelly: Uh, that’s from Jerry McGuire!
Nathan: Yeah, I know. I watched it four times last night. It’s like he’s Tom and I’m Renee and (looks at Kelly) someone else is the ugly specky kid.
Kelly: Are wewe telling me you’re gay au something?
Nathan: Gay. Straight. Retarded. Why do we have to put labels on everything?
***
Nathan: It’s much easier to humiliate, degrade and just generally shit all over someone, than it is to admit that wewe upendo them!
***
Nathan: (to Simon) It’s just so hard when you’re so cute, and I’m so horny, and there’s only a couple of thin layers of cotton separating our genitals.
***
Nathan: hujambo man! upendo hurts, okay? It chews wewe up and spits wewe out, like a big ball of mucus.
***
(After SuperHoodie drops off a packet)
Simon: It’s peanuts. Dry roasted.
Nathan: All that drama and he drops off a snack?
Kelly: Why is he giving us peanuts?
Nathan: Maybe he knows I missed lunch. (Notices Curtis’s eye-roll) I suppose you’ve got a better explanation than that?
Curtis: Anything… anything wewe could possibly come up with would be better than that!
***
2x04
Tim: Where’s Conti?
Nathan: (points at Simon) Oh, it’s him. He’s a right Conti.
***
Nathan: Hey, New Guy. Sorry wewe got shot, man.
Ollie: (gives Nathan the finger)
Nathan: (gives Ollie the finger) Hey, f*ck you!
Curtis: What was that?
Alisha: He just got shot in the face and you’re insulting him?
Nathan: He made an obscene gesture! I don’t care if he’s dead; there’s no excuse for rudeness.
***
Nathan: (to Shaun) It’s a cruel senseless waste. A young man, taken from us in his prime, leaving us to pick up the pieces of our shattered lives, knowing that he’s gone forever. So maybe, we should have the rest of the week off, wewe know, to cry and grieve and remember our dear friend…….? (Snaps fingers at Simon)
Simon: Ollie.
Nathan: Ollie! Dear, beautiful Ollie!
***
Simon: (talking about Ollie getting shot) We can’t just pretend that it didn’t happen.
Nathan: Hey, I do that all the time. It’s like the fellow in the Bible, the Good Samaritan? “Walk on by”?
***
Nathan: Yeah, okay. Let’s rob a bank.
Shaun: What’s that?
Simon: Nothing.
Shaun: Really? That’s funny, innit? Cause to me it sounded like a plan to rob a bank.
Nathan: No, no. I said, uh, “Let’s have a big wank.” Communal masturbation. The old mduara, duara Jerk.
***
2x05
Nathan: Some bastard killed me last night.
Kelly: Are wewe winding us up?
Nathan: No, no. kuvuka, msalaba my moyo and hope to die. au not.
***
Nathan: It’s her.
Curtis: Who?
Nathan: The cute smiley maarufu girl. I think she murdered me.
Alisha: I thought wewe alisema wewe didn’t know who it was.
Nathan: No, no. It’s all coming back to me now. She was here, last night. And I was in the locker room watching her getting changed.
Curtis: Oh, nice.
Nathan: No, I walked in on her. She was right there, bent over, pointing her cute a*se at me. What am I supposed to do, poke my eyes out with a stick? I am telling you, the b*tch killed me. Oh, Jesus! She’s after Barry!
***
Nathan: Come on, man. It all adds up. Do the maths.
Simon: There is no maths.
Nathan: Right. She was here, PLUS no one else was around, TIMES she caught me leering at her semi-naked, DIVIDED kwa all the weird shit that happens to us, EQUALS guilty!
***
Nathan: Oh my god, really? She’s a beautiful girl and she’s here, in the community centre.
Simon: So?
Nathan: So, I seem to remember a similar scenario that resulted in me having sex with an 82 mwaka old woman.
Curtis: And then there’s that shape shifter girl. She was mental.
Kelly: Yeah, look what happened with wewe and that probation worker.
Nathan: And, did wewe know that some of these marathon runners sh*t themselves?
***
Nathan: She’s like one of those evil B*tch spiders. They lure wewe into their web, they sh*g you, then they kill wewe and then they eat their own feces.
***
Nathan: Does anyone else feel like a total c*nt?
***
Nathan: Why is a gorilla wearing a gorilla costume?
***
