Chapter 24
Sitting on her bed, watching her sleeping, House begins to whisper.
-Cuddy, I made things I regret, that wewe may… never forgive, never forget, but… I hope you’ll give me another chance, you’ll give US another chance… because … I cannot live without you, Lisa Cuddy, you’re the only one who always gave me another chance, who always took my side and believed in me even when I doubted about myself … well maybe Wilson too, but not in the same way, I upendo Wilson of course but I upendo him like my best friend wewe know, I’m not gay, and House giggles slightly, he feels so ridiculous trying to make Cuddy smile whereas she sleeps and doesn’t hear him. See what wewe make me do? I speak alone, I must look really stupid.
-No, you’re not, House, Cuddy majibu softly, opens her eyes and looks at him. I liked what wewe said, she adds with water in the eyes. A tear rolls on her cheek, House wipes it away tenderly.
-What did wewe hear exactly? He asks grinning.
-Do wewe really upendo Wilson? she asks teasingly.
-Hm, I … he’s my best friend and I like him, that’s all, nothing more.
-Really? Because wewe seemed to have strong feelings for him and… I was wondering if …
-Shut up Cuddy au you’re gonna regret it, House majibu and kisses her softly.
-House…
-Yeah?
-Do wewe really regret what you’ve done?
House looks at Cuddy straight in the eyes and says slowly: Cuddy! wewe know me! I’d never lie to you, he majibu and raises an eyebrow.
-Where did I hear someone repeat like a mojo “everybody lies”?
-Oh really? Someone alisema that? Hm… I guess that’s a wise person, don’t wewe think?
-I’m sorry House if I hurt you, I …
-Shh, Cuddy, we can talk it later, wewe need to rest, he majibu softly and caresses her cheek. Your tests results should be soon here, he adds and feels concern about her state. Does it hurt anymore?
-No, I’m fine, they gave me some morphine I guess… House nods.
-House, we need to talk, and wewe know it, so why not now? We have nothing else to do!
-Cuddy, I…
-House! Listen to me, please… she says in a low voice, with wet eyes. House doesn’t say a word, he just remains still. I want wewe to know that I felt guilty, I knew I hurt wewe but… last time wewe were stoned when wewe came to me… Are wewe stoned right now? she asks and stares at him.
House stares at her a second, then he turns the head to the window. His eyes are full of pain, he didn’t think Cuddy would ask him that. The sekunde these words came out of her mouth, she regretted them, she saw she hurt House deep, but it was too late. A shot of pain went through House’s heart, he didn’t know what to say, how to react. It hurts of course because it shows that she still doesn’t really trust him, au does she?
-House, I… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…
-But wewe did… he replies, still watching at the window. He doesn’t want to look at her, he’s afraid of what he may see in her eyes. What if she really doesn’t trust him? Could they have a future? And what if she finally thinks he’s not worth it? Could he have been so stupid to believe that one zaidi time she would give him, give them another chance? How many chances did he waste in the past?
-Last time wewe were… how could wewe imagine wewe could have helped me in such a state?
-But wewe didn’t know it when I came to you, wewe understood it only when wewe were out of danger, safe, at your home… when we were sure wewe wouldn’t die…
-House! What if I died! Would wewe have been able to take care of Rachel?
-It wasn’t a problem at this time because wewe chose Julia to take care of her if something happened to you, don’t wewe remember?
-That’s not…
-Yes it is! It means that at this time wewe didn’t trust me! wewe may even have thought there was no future for us! Cuddy looks at him frightened. She never thought it would hurt him that she chose Julia to take charge of Rachel, that he would interpret her choice like a proof of lack of trust in him, in them, in a possible common life.
-I… I thought wewe didn’t want to be responsible for a child… wewe didn’t really seem to …
-To what? To be interested in raising a child? Cuddy nods and stares at him. I admit that at the beginning, I considered her as a… burden, wewe never wanted to stay over at me because of her and… but with time I understood how much she meant to wewe and… so I tried to pay zaidi attention to her, I coached her for the preschool… and I… I started to like her… we got on well together.
-I … I’m glad to hear it, House. I… I don’t know what to say.
-If I took vicodin, it was only because I wanted to be with wewe to help you, I know it wasn’t smart but… wewe know me… I… I always have trouble dealing with pain, with feelings, with relationships and… wewe might have died, Cuddy! My girlfriend, the woman I loved, the only human being who’s able to make me happy, to make me feel better, might die and I should have been able to deal with this horrible thing alone, to face the possibility to lose wewe and all I won with you, to face the fear to be alone again, without the help of drug? I couldn’t have been kwa your side to hold your hand and give wewe some peace, some comfort before your surgery if I haven’t been stoned, with the vicodin I was able to “function”, to play the role everybody was awaiting me to play, including you…
-You’re right, and my subconscious tried to tell me that wewe couldn’t get through this without drug… but if I want to be honest all that mattered to me when I thought I might die was that wewe were with me, I thought a lot about it, wewe can believe me, she says with a little, sad, uchungu, chungu smile. What did it matter if wewe were stoned? wewe were at least with me, I wasn’t alone…
-So why, Cuddy? Why did wewe dump me?
-I … I don’t really know, House, I… I think I was afraid of what could happen if wewe couldn’t face such problems without drug, I was scared, I thought I could never rely on wewe for important things… and I needed a man on whom to rely… I have a daughter, I’m responsible for her, I have to give her stability, care…
-And wewe think wewe can give her all this kwa being single au with a moron like the guy I saw in your dining room? Who are wewe fooling, Cuddy?
-Please, don’t…
-Yes, I do! House says and gets up, begins to pace up and down in the room. wewe told me wewe weren’t dating anyone, I came to wewe to apologize, to make amend and to see if we could start on square one because I didn’t want to give up on wewe so easily Cuddy, and what did I see? A guy laughing at your side, wewe seemed to like him, wewe were flirting… it… it was disgusting… How do wewe think I felt then? How do wewe think I should have reacted? Should I have just gone away without fighting for you, for us, without inaonyesha wewe how much I cared about you, how much I longed for you, for a sekunde chance? Tell me, Cuddy! Was it me? Was it the way wewe wanted me to react?
-House! I wasn’t flirting with him! It was Julia’s idea, she wanted me to get better, she wanted to help me to get over you, she introduced me to that guy and… that’s why he was in my dining room, but we weren’t alone, Julia and her husband were there too, I didn’t really like him but I tried to get over you, I tried to forget you, I tried to songesha on… I… I didn’t know anymore where I was, what I had to do, I was completely lost, House!
-And I felt so hurt, Cuddy! wewe can’t imagine how deserted, how rejected I felt from the woman I loved! My whole world collapsed the evening wewe dumped me! Even vicodin wasn’t able to soothe the pain I felt then. wewe broke my heart, but wewe broke my soul too.
-And don’t wewe think I felt hurt too? Don’t wewe think I felt betrayed kwa the man I loved?
Bibip bibip bibip bibip
-Cuddy!
-What happens? Chase and Taub exclaim as they come in the room.
-Nothing, she’s just a little… tense, everything’s ok, House majibu and stares at Cuddy. Her face is inscrutable, House can’t guess what she thinks, she looks at the window. Outside she gives the impression to be perfectly calm, but inside she struggles with the pain, the fear and the doubts. She waited this talk since the break up, she knew she should have talked to House, she knew she owed him an explanation about the break up, about her weird reactions, House was reluctant and she was too, they waited too long, they hurt each other deep, and now… ? Now they begin to talk, well zaidi exactly they argue because that’s just the way they are, they’re two complicated people in upendo with each other but so “clumsy” when it comes to relationships! It shouldn’t be so hard. They both know so well the other one; they both know deep in their moyo that they’re soul mates, that they’re made for each other… Even Arlene saw it! She even tried to bring them back together, in a very personal and tricky manner but still…
-Do wewe have the result of the biopsy? House asks.
-Yes, it’s a viral myocarditis probably due to Coxsackievirus B, Chase answers.
-Good, then give her digoxin and diuretics, with Milrinone followed kwa ACE inhibitors, House says, feeling better now they know what’s wrong with Cuddy. And that’s curable.
-And add to this special cocktail Azithromycin for the cat scratch disease, Thirteen says.
-What?
-Yes, she also suffers from it…
-That’s explain the Parinaud's oculoglandular syndrome…, Taub adds, proud of him.
-Yeah, wewe were right, congrats, House majibu sarcastically.
-So now we solved the case, what about having a drink all together? Chase suggests. They all approve of this idea, after all they are on vacation. House, do wewe come with us?
-I…, no, thank you, but my place is here with Cuddy. Enjoy your evening, guys.
After a while of silence, House, who leans against the window, finally turns to Cuddy and says:
-Cuddy, we… I’m not on drug… Do wewe still want to talk?
-House, I … I know I hurt you, I know I told wewe I wasn’t dating anyone because when wewe asked me it was the case…
-You’re sure? He majibu and stares at her.
-Yes! This guy already approached me at the coffee duka but I told him he mistook me for someone else, I didn’t want to tarehe anyone… but you, House. I… I was stuck, House, I tried to songesha on, I tried to get over you, over us, but the reality was that I couldn’t! The only thing I could think about was wewe and the huge void wewe left in my heart, in my life…
-So why, Cuddy? House says and nears her bed.
-I don’t know! I told wewe I was scared!
-Of what, Cuddy?
-I… wewe were back on drugs, I thought wewe were probably back to the asshole wewe were which wasn’t good for a kid, your leg was probably hurting like hell but wewe didn’t open up to me, wewe never told me anything about you… It was a one-way relationship, House, it couldn’t work, it couldn’t last and wewe know it.
-Oh yes, that’s true wewe opened up to me, I’m the only one who screwed it up, is that what wewe mean, Cuddy? Do wewe really think wewe were completely open to me, wewe told me everything?
-Yes, I…
-No, Cuddy, no! wewe let the things go worse and worse until wewe couldn’t deal with it anymore, then wewe exploded and pushed me away for a while. How do wewe think I felt when wewe closed the door on me and refused me to come in and stay over with you?
Cuddy looks at House, but says nothing, her throat is too much squeezed to speak. House always knows how to hurt her badly with words.
-I felt hurt, but I tried to understand you, I tried to take it upon myself to improve my behavior because I loved wewe and I didn’t want to lose you, I made compromise with myself. wewe had made me a worse doctor but I agreed, I chose you, I chose to be happy with you. And see the result! wewe dumped me!
-But wewe took vicodin, House, wewe took it to dumb wewe because wewe didn’t want to share my pain and my fears, because wewe didn’t want to involve wewe too much with me, wewe wanted to protect yourself because that’s just the way wewe are… she majibu with sobs in the voice. She feels tears rolling on her cheeks but she doesn’t care. And I need and deserve someone who does care about me, someone ready to share my pain, my fears and my problems, but also someone ready to open up to me, to share his pain, his fears and his problems with me…
-… yeah, you’re right, Cuddy. I took vicodin because without the help of the drug I couldn’t stand the idea to lose you, to be left alone… But I also took it to be with you, to be able to look at wewe one zaidi time, even if it could have been the last one…
-And now?
-Now? he looks at her, an eyebrow raised.
-Would wewe agree to open up to me? To share our fears, our pain? To definitely give up on drug?
-And you? Can wewe forgive me? Are wewe willing to talk to me about your fear to get involved with a man like me and with all it implies? Because that’s it that scared you… Am I wrong?
They stare at each other silently, their eyes reflecting their strong feelings for each other, the desperate need of each other, but the fear to fail too.
Sitting on her bed, watching her sleeping, House begins to whisper.
-Cuddy, I made things I regret, that wewe may… never forgive, never forget, but… I hope you’ll give me another chance, you’ll give US another chance… because … I cannot live without you, Lisa Cuddy, you’re the only one who always gave me another chance, who always took my side and believed in me even when I doubted about myself … well maybe Wilson too, but not in the same way, I upendo Wilson of course but I upendo him like my best friend wewe know, I’m not gay, and House giggles slightly, he feels so ridiculous trying to make Cuddy smile whereas she sleeps and doesn’t hear him. See what wewe make me do? I speak alone, I must look really stupid.
-No, you’re not, House, Cuddy majibu softly, opens her eyes and looks at him. I liked what wewe said, she adds with water in the eyes. A tear rolls on her cheek, House wipes it away tenderly.
-What did wewe hear exactly? He asks grinning.
-Do wewe really upendo Wilson? she asks teasingly.
-Hm, I … he’s my best friend and I like him, that’s all, nothing more.
-Really? Because wewe seemed to have strong feelings for him and… I was wondering if …
-Shut up Cuddy au you’re gonna regret it, House majibu and kisses her softly.
-House…
-Yeah?
-Do wewe really regret what you’ve done?
House looks at Cuddy straight in the eyes and says slowly: Cuddy! wewe know me! I’d never lie to you, he majibu and raises an eyebrow.
-Where did I hear someone repeat like a mojo “everybody lies”?
-Oh really? Someone alisema that? Hm… I guess that’s a wise person, don’t wewe think?
-I’m sorry House if I hurt you, I …
-Shh, Cuddy, we can talk it later, wewe need to rest, he majibu softly and caresses her cheek. Your tests results should be soon here, he adds and feels concern about her state. Does it hurt anymore?
-No, I’m fine, they gave me some morphine I guess… House nods.
-House, we need to talk, and wewe know it, so why not now? We have nothing else to do!
-Cuddy, I…
-House! Listen to me, please… she says in a low voice, with wet eyes. House doesn’t say a word, he just remains still. I want wewe to know that I felt guilty, I knew I hurt wewe but… last time wewe were stoned when wewe came to me… Are wewe stoned right now? she asks and stares at him.
House stares at her a second, then he turns the head to the window. His eyes are full of pain, he didn’t think Cuddy would ask him that. The sekunde these words came out of her mouth, she regretted them, she saw she hurt House deep, but it was too late. A shot of pain went through House’s heart, he didn’t know what to say, how to react. It hurts of course because it shows that she still doesn’t really trust him, au does she?
-House, I… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…
-But wewe did… he replies, still watching at the window. He doesn’t want to look at her, he’s afraid of what he may see in her eyes. What if she really doesn’t trust him? Could they have a future? And what if she finally thinks he’s not worth it? Could he have been so stupid to believe that one zaidi time she would give him, give them another chance? How many chances did he waste in the past?
-Last time wewe were… how could wewe imagine wewe could have helped me in such a state?
-But wewe didn’t know it when I came to you, wewe understood it only when wewe were out of danger, safe, at your home… when we were sure wewe wouldn’t die…
-House! What if I died! Would wewe have been able to take care of Rachel?
-It wasn’t a problem at this time because wewe chose Julia to take care of her if something happened to you, don’t wewe remember?
-That’s not…
-Yes it is! It means that at this time wewe didn’t trust me! wewe may even have thought there was no future for us! Cuddy looks at him frightened. She never thought it would hurt him that she chose Julia to take charge of Rachel, that he would interpret her choice like a proof of lack of trust in him, in them, in a possible common life.
-I… I thought wewe didn’t want to be responsible for a child… wewe didn’t really seem to …
-To what? To be interested in raising a child? Cuddy nods and stares at him. I admit that at the beginning, I considered her as a… burden, wewe never wanted to stay over at me because of her and… but with time I understood how much she meant to wewe and… so I tried to pay zaidi attention to her, I coached her for the preschool… and I… I started to like her… we got on well together.
-I … I’m glad to hear it, House. I… I don’t know what to say.
-If I took vicodin, it was only because I wanted to be with wewe to help you, I know it wasn’t smart but… wewe know me… I… I always have trouble dealing with pain, with feelings, with relationships and… wewe might have died, Cuddy! My girlfriend, the woman I loved, the only human being who’s able to make me happy, to make me feel better, might die and I should have been able to deal with this horrible thing alone, to face the possibility to lose wewe and all I won with you, to face the fear to be alone again, without the help of drug? I couldn’t have been kwa your side to hold your hand and give wewe some peace, some comfort before your surgery if I haven’t been stoned, with the vicodin I was able to “function”, to play the role everybody was awaiting me to play, including you…
-You’re right, and my subconscious tried to tell me that wewe couldn’t get through this without drug… but if I want to be honest all that mattered to me when I thought I might die was that wewe were with me, I thought a lot about it, wewe can believe me, she says with a little, sad, uchungu, chungu smile. What did it matter if wewe were stoned? wewe were at least with me, I wasn’t alone…
-So why, Cuddy? Why did wewe dump me?
-I … I don’t really know, House, I… I think I was afraid of what could happen if wewe couldn’t face such problems without drug, I was scared, I thought I could never rely on wewe for important things… and I needed a man on whom to rely… I have a daughter, I’m responsible for her, I have to give her stability, care…
-And wewe think wewe can give her all this kwa being single au with a moron like the guy I saw in your dining room? Who are wewe fooling, Cuddy?
-Please, don’t…
-Yes, I do! House says and gets up, begins to pace up and down in the room. wewe told me wewe weren’t dating anyone, I came to wewe to apologize, to make amend and to see if we could start on square one because I didn’t want to give up on wewe so easily Cuddy, and what did I see? A guy laughing at your side, wewe seemed to like him, wewe were flirting… it… it was disgusting… How do wewe think I felt then? How do wewe think I should have reacted? Should I have just gone away without fighting for you, for us, without inaonyesha wewe how much I cared about you, how much I longed for you, for a sekunde chance? Tell me, Cuddy! Was it me? Was it the way wewe wanted me to react?
-House! I wasn’t flirting with him! It was Julia’s idea, she wanted me to get better, she wanted to help me to get over you, she introduced me to that guy and… that’s why he was in my dining room, but we weren’t alone, Julia and her husband were there too, I didn’t really like him but I tried to get over you, I tried to forget you, I tried to songesha on… I… I didn’t know anymore where I was, what I had to do, I was completely lost, House!
-And I felt so hurt, Cuddy! wewe can’t imagine how deserted, how rejected I felt from the woman I loved! My whole world collapsed the evening wewe dumped me! Even vicodin wasn’t able to soothe the pain I felt then. wewe broke my heart, but wewe broke my soul too.
-And don’t wewe think I felt hurt too? Don’t wewe think I felt betrayed kwa the man I loved?
Bibip bibip bibip bibip
-Cuddy!
-What happens? Chase and Taub exclaim as they come in the room.
-Nothing, she’s just a little… tense, everything’s ok, House majibu and stares at Cuddy. Her face is inscrutable, House can’t guess what she thinks, she looks at the window. Outside she gives the impression to be perfectly calm, but inside she struggles with the pain, the fear and the doubts. She waited this talk since the break up, she knew she should have talked to House, she knew she owed him an explanation about the break up, about her weird reactions, House was reluctant and she was too, they waited too long, they hurt each other deep, and now… ? Now they begin to talk, well zaidi exactly they argue because that’s just the way they are, they’re two complicated people in upendo with each other but so “clumsy” when it comes to relationships! It shouldn’t be so hard. They both know so well the other one; they both know deep in their moyo that they’re soul mates, that they’re made for each other… Even Arlene saw it! She even tried to bring them back together, in a very personal and tricky manner but still…
-Do wewe have the result of the biopsy? House asks.
-Yes, it’s a viral myocarditis probably due to Coxsackievirus B, Chase answers.
-Good, then give her digoxin and diuretics, with Milrinone followed kwa ACE inhibitors, House says, feeling better now they know what’s wrong with Cuddy. And that’s curable.
-And add to this special cocktail Azithromycin for the cat scratch disease, Thirteen says.
-What?
-Yes, she also suffers from it…
-That’s explain the Parinaud's oculoglandular syndrome…, Taub adds, proud of him.
-Yeah, wewe were right, congrats, House majibu sarcastically.
-So now we solved the case, what about having a drink all together? Chase suggests. They all approve of this idea, after all they are on vacation. House, do wewe come with us?
-I…, no, thank you, but my place is here with Cuddy. Enjoy your evening, guys.
After a while of silence, House, who leans against the window, finally turns to Cuddy and says:
-Cuddy, we… I’m not on drug… Do wewe still want to talk?
-House, I … I know I hurt you, I know I told wewe I wasn’t dating anyone because when wewe asked me it was the case…
-You’re sure? He majibu and stares at her.
-Yes! This guy already approached me at the coffee duka but I told him he mistook me for someone else, I didn’t want to tarehe anyone… but you, House. I… I was stuck, House, I tried to songesha on, I tried to get over you, over us, but the reality was that I couldn’t! The only thing I could think about was wewe and the huge void wewe left in my heart, in my life…
-So why, Cuddy? House says and nears her bed.
-I don’t know! I told wewe I was scared!
-Of what, Cuddy?
-I… wewe were back on drugs, I thought wewe were probably back to the asshole wewe were which wasn’t good for a kid, your leg was probably hurting like hell but wewe didn’t open up to me, wewe never told me anything about you… It was a one-way relationship, House, it couldn’t work, it couldn’t last and wewe know it.
-Oh yes, that’s true wewe opened up to me, I’m the only one who screwed it up, is that what wewe mean, Cuddy? Do wewe really think wewe were completely open to me, wewe told me everything?
-Yes, I…
-No, Cuddy, no! wewe let the things go worse and worse until wewe couldn’t deal with it anymore, then wewe exploded and pushed me away for a while. How do wewe think I felt when wewe closed the door on me and refused me to come in and stay over with you?
Cuddy looks at House, but says nothing, her throat is too much squeezed to speak. House always knows how to hurt her badly with words.
-I felt hurt, but I tried to understand you, I tried to take it upon myself to improve my behavior because I loved wewe and I didn’t want to lose you, I made compromise with myself. wewe had made me a worse doctor but I agreed, I chose you, I chose to be happy with you. And see the result! wewe dumped me!
-But wewe took vicodin, House, wewe took it to dumb wewe because wewe didn’t want to share my pain and my fears, because wewe didn’t want to involve wewe too much with me, wewe wanted to protect yourself because that’s just the way wewe are… she majibu with sobs in the voice. She feels tears rolling on her cheeks but she doesn’t care. And I need and deserve someone who does care about me, someone ready to share my pain, my fears and my problems, but also someone ready to open up to me, to share his pain, his fears and his problems with me…
-… yeah, you’re right, Cuddy. I took vicodin because without the help of the drug I couldn’t stand the idea to lose you, to be left alone… But I also took it to be with you, to be able to look at wewe one zaidi time, even if it could have been the last one…
-And now?
-Now? he looks at her, an eyebrow raised.
-Would wewe agree to open up to me? To share our fears, our pain? To definitely give up on drug?
-And you? Can wewe forgive me? Are wewe willing to talk to me about your fear to get involved with a man like me and with all it implies? Because that’s it that scared you… Am I wrong?
They stare at each other silently, their eyes reflecting their strong feelings for each other, the desperate need of each other, but the fear to fail too.