It had been almost 4 months since the night she had walked into my bathroom. On the floor with vicodin in hand I felt like I had Lost everything and doing the right thing was not getting me anywhere.
The night had started out at that tragic sight. A crane had collapsed on a building in Trenton. There were still so many people unaccounted for. As we arrived I could hardly believe my eyes. They had reached the crane operator and pulled him from the wreakage and he was on his way to Princeton where my team awaited him.
Cuddy had been uigizaji strange and I was trying to find out what was going on. I made a call to Wilson to see if there was trouble in paradise.
Then there came a clanging from somewhere. As I was trying to figure out where it was coming from I yelled to the crew that someone was down there. As they came over to tafuta they didn’t hear anything. I knew I had heard something. I saw a sprinkler pipe and took my cane and beat up against the pipe and it was the same noise.
Is anyone down there? I know I heard something. This is such a small space. Maybe I should go back. What am I doing? What the h…? How am I going to get through here? Why am I doing this? I should just turn around and go back. There she was and as she grabbed my cane it startled me. I heard her say help me. Her leg is trapped and I can’t lift the beam and I can’t pull her out. I have got to get help. I know wewe are scared but I have to get help.
I finally get back out of the hole and reach some people to get down there to help. ForH annah a connection was made with me. I begin looking for Cuddy again because I have to find out what is going on.
As I approach her I want her to tell me she broke up with Lucas. I want her to give me a chance. But the words that rolled from her lips were anything but wha tI had imagined.
“I am getting married House.” The words were loosely penetrating my cerebral cortex. No! wewe can't marry him Cuddy. wewe upendo me I alisema to myself. I know wewe do.
Hannah’s situation is slowly escalated all night and they don’t know how long they can keep this building sured up and amputation was being considered. I would have argued to the death against the amputation.
They made one zaidi desperate try to lift the beam but it caused another collapse and the debris flew and came close to an artery on my shoulder. Hannah I’ve got to go. I’ll be back.
As the worker approached he alisema we needed to get Hannah out and that required amputation. Cuddy continued arguing with me and i was arguing back.
”I know you're angry, but please don't put her life at risk just to get back at me House.
~House: Really? (standing up and towering over her) Wow. So this is all about wewe now.
~Cuddy: wewe took her side against me right after wewe heard about my engagement.
~House: Yeah. That must be it. It's not that you're a pathetic narcissist.
~Cuddy: I don't upendo you. So just... accept it and songesha on with your life instead of making everyone miserable.
~House: That's great. A life lesson from a middle-age single mom who's dating a man-child.
~Cuddy: Screw you. I'm sick of making excuses for you. I'm sick of other people having to tiptoe around wewe and make their own lives worse while they try to keep wewe from collapsing. I'm done. (She walks away from him)
~House: (calling after her) Fantastic. Just stay away from my patient.
~Cuddy: (turning around and coming back toward him) What are wewe clinging to, House? You're going to risk her life just to save her leg? Really worked out well for you, didn't it? What do wewe have in your life honestly? Tell me. I'm moving on. Wilson is moving on. And you... You've got nothing, House, nothing. I'm going down there, and I'm going to convince her to let me cut her leg off. If wewe have any decency left, you'll stay out of it.
"She doesn't upendo me." It felt like a kisu had been run through me. "She’s right. It didn’t work out well for me." I have nothing. All those years I had wanted to be with her and I had really finally Lost her. I had punished her and taken advantage of her and she had finally had enough. I can’t let her do that amputation. It would haunt her forever. The only thing I have is medicine.
As I went down in the hole I talked to Hannah. I told her that I made the wrong choice that the doctors had to do a risky surgery because I wanted my leg. I am in pain every day. It made me a harder person and a worse person. I am alone. wewe don’t want to be like me.
Cuddy I saw the release in your eyes and the tear slid down your cheek. I had hurt wewe so much over the years. I had alisema so many cruel things. Why couldn’t I just tell wewe that I was sorry and that I wanted to be with you? Why couldn't I just say those words? No it was too late.
I will take care of Hannah. I have got this. For all the pain wewe have suffered at my hands maybe I can take a little of it of from your shoulders this time.
I grasped Hannah’s hand as she asked me hw bad it would hurt and I told her it would hurt like nothing she had ever felt before. I can still hear her screaming. That saw cutting through the Bones in her leg. I think I will always hear her screaming.
"In those ashes I made my choice to let wewe know that I was wrong and that all those years I was a jerk. I set wewe free from the guilt and the responsibility of fixing me and keeping me from hurting myself. When I shut those doors on the ambulance, magari ya wagonjwa and I looked into your eyes I knew wewe were gone and any chance I might have had to be with wewe was gone."
In the ambulance, magari ya wagonjwa ride to the hospital it really began to set in. She is engaged to Lucas. I had really Lost you. wewe are getting married.
“I don’t upendo you.” The words kept repeating in my head cutting deeper each time.
"I’m moving on."
"Screw you."
"I am sick of making excuses for you."
She didn’t believe in me anymore and she wasn’t going to put her moyo out there to be walked on kwa me anymore.
Then the EMT shouted the words, “her blood pressure is dropping."
Hannah began struggling to get her breath. She couldn’t breathe. I thought it was a clot but as I tried to bust it I found it wasn’t a clot. I fell back. Oh no!! I looked at her almost pleading but there was nobody there for me to plead to. It was a fat embolism and there was nothing I could do. "Oh Hannah", as wewe looked at me I could hardly hold back my anger and frustration.
"Oh Hannah I am so sorry."
I had broken my own rules about making connections with patients and I had gave wewe false hope. I had told wewe that the amputation was the only way to save your life and now wewe were looking up at me as if to tell me wewe knew I had done everything I could. All I could do was watch wewe take your last breath. Everything I touch I destroy.
"I sat there for a while inside the ambulance, magari ya wagonjwa as Foreman tried to help but there was just no way to help me. The entire night sinking in to my brain. I had Lost everything that I had been working so hard to gain. I had tried to prove myself worthy only to find out I wasn't worthy of anything. I had done everything right and I still had nothing."
Foreman is following me through the hospital into the lobby still trying to help me but I was far beyond any help.
I had followed Dr. Nolan’s advice to the letter and I still had nothing. Well not quite nothing, I had one zaidi thing. I had always been able to depend on the………….
I got on my bike and I left the hospital. She is marrying Lucas. Wilson is moving in with Sam and I my patient is dead. zaidi loss in one night then I could take. I can't take this anymore.
As I arrived at the apartment I had fixed a hole in the ukuta behind the mirror in the bathroom years zamani in case something happened and I couldn’t get any pills. I stood there looking in the mirror for any reason not to take this pain away and on the verge of completely breaking down. The struggle of being clean for a mwaka ripping at my moyo and the desire to have something to take away the pain and the loss I had suffered tonight taunting me, tearing at my soul. I jerked the mirror off the ukuta and threw it into the bathtub shattering it into pieces. There, in the hole was the crutch I had depended on for almost several years of my life. I had left one crutch (in the form of my cane and all my excuses) in the hole underground that night now just to be reaching out for the another. I had freed the people I had imprisoned for so many years. I grabbed the bottles and fell to the floor. My hands were shaking and water filling my eyes as I opened the bottle and poured two vicodin in my hand. Go ahead, take them, wewe tried, wewe still have nothing, take them! It will make the pain go away.
My hand started upward and then I saw her shadow and I looked at her wondering if she really was there. Are wewe going to leap across the room and jerk them out of my hand? As wewe began talking I still wasn’t sure wewe were there. I was listening but still not sure that this was real. Did I really hear wewe say wewe had broke it off with Lucas? What?! Did wewe really say that? Are wewe really here? Did wewe really say that wewe loved me? As I held his hand up youhelped me up. Am I hallucinating this. Are wewe really here?
I leaned down and softly brushed your lips across yours. wewe feel real but I pulled back to make sure that I wasn’t hallucinating.
How do I know I am not hallucinating?
“Did wewe take the vicodin” wewe asked me?
“As I looked in my hand the vicodin were still there.” I threw them down as I moved in closer to wewe and leaned down and I abandoned all thinking and all logic and I deepened my kiss this time.
“I need to change the bandage” I thought I heard wewe say.
“It’ll wait.” I need to be close to wewe I thought to myself. I was too tired to hide my feelings anymore. I was afraid to let wewe in but I was zaidi afraid of letting wewe walk away out of my arms au out of my life. As wewe touched my chest I leaned into you. Your hand sent waves of electricity through every part of me. Being in the room with wewe always made me feel a little funny. Earlier that night I thought I had Lost you. Now wewe were standing just inches away from me. Softly my lips met yours again and I brushed my lips back and forth across yours as the honesty of the moment was overwhelming for us both. I could barely breathe au get my bearings. The feel of wewe unlike anything I had ever felt. The moment was raw and like two battle worn soldiers as our hands and fingers interlocked the kiss deepened. There were no words and not really any actions that could describe the emotions that were pouring out of my soul.
wewe pulled away and led me to the bedroom. wewe helped me take my koti, jacket off and wewe checked the wound. As wewe undressed me wewe washed me with a cloth and when wewe came to the scar wewe embraced all that we had been through as the healing began for us both. For a moment it was zaidi than I could take in but as wewe looked into my eyes all my fears melted with your words and as I pulled wewe back up I had never known a upendo as faithful as what wewe had aliyopewa me for so long. As I lowered my head and my lips met with yours again I drank wewe in like water for someone dying of thirst.
wewe were a dream, a fantasy, and before this moment I thought wewe were out of my reach.
When I picked wewe up as much as it hurt I wanted wewe to know I would never let wewe fall again. I will go through the pain and the fear that rest deep inside my soul to be with you. Inside wewe that night I couldn't get close enough.
And now here we are 4 months later and wewe have just forgiven me again. Maybe wewe just needed to hear an apology because of all the times I didn’t say it. I lied to wewe about a case and although I didn’t think I was wrong I knew wewe were upset and for the first time in my life I needed wewe zaidi than I needed to be right. zaidi than needing to make my point I needed you.
wewe are opening your beautiful stormy gray eyes and as I brush your hair behind your ear I look at your beautiful face and I still find it hard to believe that you’re here. I promise wewe I am learning from my mistakes.
Cuddy I upendo wewe for what I am when I am with wewe and for the man wewe make me want to be. wewe loved me long enough and strong enough until I could no longer be without you. One siku I will tell wewe this but for now these words are the ones that come from my lips:
"Are wewe planning on sleeping all day." No one needs this much beauty sleep. I couldn't be with wewe if wewe were that ugly.
Shut-up House.
As I lean down to kiss wewe your beauty washes over me and after 20 years wewe still take my breath away.
Luddy
