January 1, 2015,
I looked around the hospital room and alisema "I'm so glad that I can finally go home! I didn't expect it to take that many days for me to be rehydrated enough to go home!" Kyle alisema as we walked out to my truck "what do wewe think your family is going to say when they find out that you're pregnant with my baby?" I alisema "you heard what the doctor alisema to me yesterday; I can't be stressed out and I can pretty much guarantee wewe that a few people in particular are going to raise my stress level once they find out I'm pregnant again! The whole reason I passed out in the first place was because of the pressure that was being put on me! The last thing I need are my uncles and aunt Janet complaining about me being pregnant!!!" Kyle alisema "I understand that wewe don't want to tell them; but wewe can't hide it forever! Wouldn't wewe rather them find out from us? Rather than the other option; which is to onyesha up one siku with a huge stomach and have your water break!" I alisema "it's completely up to wewe whether wewe want to tell them are not! All I know is that I'm not putting up with their BS because it's not good for me au the baby! wewe can tell them; just don't do it when I'm around because I really don't want to hear it! I couldn't care less about what they think and I don't feel like they should act like they deserve for their opinions to be heard! They tried to turn grandma against me and my siblings! They kidnapped her and we had no idea where she was! They talk bad about dad in front of all of us and that makes me so angry because all dad ever did for them was basically bend over backwards to make sure that had everything they ever wanted! I don't even really think I want to see them again for as long as I live!" Kyle alisema "we really need to stop talking about this because I can tell just doing that is stressing wewe out babe! Don't worry about telling them that you're pregnant; I'll tell them when you're not around!" I alisema "in the meantime, we can at least tell my grandmother, Blanket, Prince, and Paris because I know that they'll be happy for us!" Kyle asked "how are we going to tell Carter?" I alisema "give me a few days because I just got out of the hospital and I need to regroup! We can tell him after I get settled back in at home!" Kyle alisema "I feel so terrible that wewe had that much stress on your shoulders! I shouldn't have let Frank put that much pressure on wewe about going back on tour when wewe weren't ready to!" I alisema "that's not your fault Kyle! I realize that I'm the one that has to bring the money in for us to live off of. I can promise wewe that a few months after the baby is born I'll be zaidi than ready to go on tour again because I'll have zaidi time to prepare my mind to be away from wewe guys for nine months straight!"
We pulled up in front of my grandmother's house and walked inside. Grandma came up to me and frantically asked "are wewe okay? What happened? I heard wewe passed out at your concert!!!" I chuckled and alisema "relax grandma; I'm fine!" She alisema "sorry; I just feel like I have to compensate for how worried your father would be if he was here!" Paris and Prince came running up to me and Prince alisema "I'm so glad you're okay AJ! I was really worried about wewe when I found out that wewe passed out!" Paris alisema "I know; I was too! The video of wewe passing out on stage is all over YouTube and the news! I guess one of the mashabiki had a video camera with them and captured the whole thing! wewe seemed like wewe to the ground really hard!"
I opened up the doors to the pango and gestured for my grandmother and siblings to follow me inside. Grandma alisema "whatever happened to wewe must've been pretty serious for wewe to want to talk to us alone in here! I don't like the vibe you're putting out AJ; you're worrying me!" Kyle and I sat down on the kitanda inayofuata to them and they all looked at us with worried expressions on their faces. We sat there in stunned silence for about five dakika before Kyle burst out and alisema "I can't take it anymore; AJ'S PREGNANT!!!" Paris looked at me and alisema "wait; I thought wewe couldn't get her pregnant Kyle! It is Kyle's baby; I hope!" I rolled my eyes and alisema "of course it's his baby Paris! I would never cheat on Kyle!" She took a sigh of relief as Prince asked "then how are wewe pregnant with his baby?" I alisema "there was only a 5% chance of him being able to get me pregnant on his own; so we thought the odds of it actually working were pretty much impossible! I guess this is one of those times where someone can say never say never!" Grandma asked "is that why wewe passed out AJ? Did wewe know wewe were pregnant? Were wewe trying to hide it just so wewe could go on tour and hope that nobody would find out?" I alisema "no; I didn't pass out because of that. I passed out because I was dehydrated from the morning sickness. I didn't know at all that I'm pregnant! I just thought I was throwing up because of nerves. Being pregnant was the last thing on my mind!" She asked "were wewe and Kyle still trying to get pregnant; even though the doctor alisema that there was pretty much your chance of that happening?" I alisema "I wouldn't say that we were necessarily trying to get pregnant. It was one of those things where if that happened we wouldn't be opposed to it! Kyle and I pretty much accepted the fact that he would never give us any biological children together! Before this happened, we actually started looking into adopting a child. "Blanket alisema "I'm so happy that I'm going to be an uncle again!" Kyle alisema "we really appreciate wewe watching Carter and taking him to school for us while AJ has been in the hospital! Before I forget, I want wewe guys to help keep AJ's stress level down during the pregnancy because the doctor alisema it's not good for the baby!!! The doctors don't really want her doing too much while she's pregnant! She's pretty much on kitanda rest the entire pregnancy!" Prince laughed and alisema "like that's going to happen! AJ has ADHD and is going to be impossible to make her relax for nine months!" Kyle alisema "I have a feeling it's going to take all of us for her to follow through with taking it easy; but we have to make it work!"
January 9, 2015,
Carter sat at the edge of his kitanda watching TV when Kyle and I decided to check on him. I sat down and alisema "hi buddy; I bet you're wondering why I didn't go on tour like I alisema I was going to!" He alisema "yeah; I was just thinking about that! Why didn't wewe go mommy?" I alisema with a smile on my face "you're going to have a little brother au sister soon!" He asked "you and daddy are having a baby together? How come your stomach is not big?" Kyle chuckled and alisema "it doesn't get big right away Carter! It'll be a while before wewe can really tell!" Carter alisema "make sure it's a boy because I want a little brother!" I alisema "we don't get to pick what it's going to be Carter; it just happens!"
February 3, 2015,
I had just left the bathroom, after waking up early in the morning with morning sickness and I climbed back into bed. Kyle asked "are wewe sure you're okay?" I alisema "yes; I told wewe it's normal for me to be throwing up!" He alisema "if there's anything wewe ever need from me don't be afraid to ask!" I alisema "there is one thing." He asked "what is it?" I alisema "I've been craving Chinese chakula like crazy and I was wondering if wewe would go get us some?" He looked over at the clock and alisema "it's 6 o'clock in the morning and I don't know if any Chinese chakula places are open this early. I'll go check anyway; just because I upendo you." I alisema "thanks Kyle; I really appreciate it!"
A few hours later, he arrived back at the house and walked up to our bedroom carrying a huge bag of Chinese food. He alisema "sorry it took me so long; you're in luck though because I found a 24-hour Chinese chakula restaurant a few towns over!" I alisema "you didn't have to drive that far just to get me the chakula that I wanted!" He alisema "I know; but I wanted to!" He started picked up chakula out of the bag and sat down on the bed. He alisema "I know Damien wasn't here for wewe last time when wewe were pregnant with Carter and I want to onyesha wewe how a real man is supposed to act!" I alisema "you don't really have to treat me any different just because I'm pregnant." He alisema "you deserve to be treated like the Queen!" I alisema "I know one thing's for sure; I hate being stuck in this bedroom all siku every day!" He alisema "it's only been a little over a week and wewe are already going crazy!" I alisema "I don't understand why I have to lay in kitanda pretty much the entire pregnancy! My ADHD is driving me nuts and I don't know how much of this I can take!" He alisema "I know that it seems like it sucks right now; but it'll be worth it once wewe see the baby for the first time!" I alisema "I know you're right; I just hope that I can keep my stress level down enough to where it doesn't affect the baby!" He alisema "I'll do everything I can to make sure that wewe relax as much as possible until the baby is born! Don't worry about anything because I've got it under control!"
February 23, 2015,
"I can't believe we're having a baby girl!" Kyle alisema as we walked in the house after going to the doctors. I alisema "I'm so glad it's a girl because after this I'm done being pregnant! I don't want any zaidi kids!" Kyle alisema "we have our son and our daughter and that's good enough for me!" I sat down on the kitanda and Kyle alisema "since I wasn't around when wewe named Carter, wewe should let me name her on my own! At least the first name!" I alisema "I don't know if wewe can handle that Kyle! It would be different if we were having a boy; but wewe have to remember that whatever name we name our daughter she is going to be stuck with for the rest of her life! I don't want her to have a stupid name!" He alisema "the name I picked out isn't that bad! How about if I give her the name I picked out for her first name and wewe can pick out whatever wewe want for her middle name?" I asked "what name did wewe pick out for her first name Kyle?" He alisema "Addison." I raised my eyebrows and alisema "actually, I like it! Okay: wewe win! We can name her Addison!"
I grabbed the baby book off the meza, jedwali and started to flip through the pages. I stopped and alisema out loud "Addison Avery; how does that sound to you?" He alisema "I really like that!" I alisema "I guess her names going to be Addison Avery Lester; that was easier than I thought it would be!" Kyle alisema "speaking of names; I've always wondered why wewe didn't change your last name to Lester when wewe and I got married." I alisema "it's not that I didn't want to; but part of my celebrity image is my last name and if I changed it that would probably affect my fans! I've been known as Alanna Jackson kwa the public for so long that it would be awkward if I changed my last name." He alisema "that's okay; I understand! I was just always curious. It doesn't really matter to me whether au not wewe have my last name!"
April 15, 2015,
Kyle was gone go shopping and I was up in my room when the phone rang. I answered it and the person on the other end alisema "excuse me; I'm looking for Miss Jackson." I alisema "this is her." She responded "hello; I'm the principal at your son Carter's school." I asked "is everything okay?" She alisema "no; not really. Carter's been suspended and I need wewe to come pick him up." I alisema "suspended; what can wewe possibly suspend a first grader for doing?" She alisema "Carter was using foul language in front of the other children and inside his classroom. He was told several times not to say the things he was saying; but he just continued on." I alisema as I sighed "okay; I'll be there in a few dakika to pick him up."
Even though I knew I wasn't supposed to be walking around much, I had to go pick up Carter because Kyle was gone. After driving to the school, I climbed out of my truck and walked inside. I walked down to the principal's office and the secretary let me into the room. I casually walked in and Carter looked up at me with shame in his eyes. I looked at the principal and alisema as I grabbed Carter's arm "I'm sorry for the inconvenience. I assure wewe that it won't happen again." She alisema "he suspended for a week of school. I'll see wewe then."
After Carter and I got into the truck, he looked at me in silence and I looked at him and he alisema "please don't tell daddy mommy!" I asked "what did wewe say in your classroom that got wewe in trouble?" He alisema "I told the teacher to shut the fuck up because she wouldn't stop complaining about my handwriting! Please don't tell daddy!" I rolled my eyes and alisema "don't worry; I won't because I know how it feels to get into trouble and I'm not the type of parent that's going to punish you. It's no big deal; I'll figure something out so daddy doesn't suspect anything weird going on!"
When we pulled into the driveway, Kyle had already gotten nyumbani and had parked his car inayofuata to my parking spot. The two of us walked inside and Kyle asked "where have wewe been AJ? wewe know you're not supposed to be out of bed! Why is Carter with you?" I alisema while thinking quickly "you must've forgotten that today starts April break for Carter! He doesn't have school for a whole week." Kyle alisema "I've been so busy making sure that you're okay AJ that I must've forgotten all about it!" As Kyle walked away, Carter gave me a secretive high-five and alisema "thanks for covering for me mommy!"
April 21, 2015,
I'm running out of things to do to keep myself busy because Kyle won't let me do anything other than stay up here in our bedroom all siku every day! I decided to have him bring some of my childhood nyumbani sinema for us to watch together. He put one of the sinema in the VCR and pressed play:
Dated at the bottom of the screen January 5, 2005,
I was holding the camera and laughing hysterically as dad attempted to skateboard; but he could barely stand up on it. He alisema "I don't know about this AJ! It doesn't look safe! I don't know how wewe do this! It's moving around too much for me!" I alisema "dad; come on! You're being such a wimp! Once wewe get the hang of it, you'll be fine; trust me! It's not as hard as it looks!" He hopped off skateboard and alisema "I'll stick to dancing. I'm afraid that if I keep trying to skateboard on that thing I will crack my head open!" I alisema "you're going to be missing out; that's all I have to say about it." He alisema "all I know about skateboarding is that I better not catch wewe without your kofia, chapeo on!" I alisema "yeah, yeah, yeah; I know dad! wewe don't have to give me a lecture!" He alisema "it may seem like I'm nagging you; but you'll thank me later!"
*Video ends*
I immediately started crying and Kyle asked "is it the pregnancy mood swings again?" I alisema "my dad was supposed to be here! He shouldn't have died! Being pregnant again only makes me miss him zaidi because it reminds me of how much he did for me when I was pregnant with Carter!" Kyle alisema "I wish there was something I could do to make wewe feel better! If wewe don't want to watch anymore video we don't have to." I alisema "I don't think I could handle watching another video with him in it. It's just too much for me to handle! I don't understand why I was just so mean to him when all he ever wanted was to make me a good person! I just keep going back to the siku when I pretty much ditched him with Carter to go get drunk with some of my friends! I'll be the first to admit that I wasn't a good mom at all of the beginning! My dad pretty much took care of him on his own while I slept all siku and drank all night! I hate to say it; but if my dad wasn't around to take care of Carter those last few months before he passed away I don't think I would have Carter today! He would probably be in the foster care system because I wouldn't have taken care of him! Looking back on it now, I treated my dad like a personal babysitter and I should have appreciated everything that he's done for me over the years! It wasn't fair to him! He didn't want to be a dad again and basically he was because I wasn't taking care of my son!" Kyle alisema "you really need to stop beating yourself up for that! That happened a long time zamani and wewe heard what the psychic said! Your dad forgives wewe and he doesn't want wewe to feel guilty about stuff that happened before he died!" I alisema "I just don't understand why he had to die when I was only 15 years old and a teenage mother on juu of that! He left me at the worst possible time and I wasn't at all prepared for the reality of how the real world worked! Anytime I ever got in trouble before, he would come to my rescue and now he isn't here anymore to protect me from how awful the world can be!" Kyle alisema "I know that if he had the choice to stay alive he would still be here! He even told wewe through the psychic that he wasn't ready to leave this world!" I alisema "I would do anything just to hug him one zaidi time!"
April 25, 2015,
Kyle came and asked with irritation in his voice "how long were wewe planning to lie to me?" I asked "what do wewe mean?" He alisema "Carter's school just called and asked me if we wanted someone to drop off the school work he's missed this week!" I alisema "I knew wewe would overreact and punish Carter from getting suspended! That's the whole reason I lied to wewe in the first place!" He alisema "I don't want this to turn into a fight because it's not good for wewe au the baby. All I'm saying is that if wewe don't start punishing him soon for misbehaving it will only get worse." I alisema "I realized that Kyle; but what he did wasn't that bad! I've done way worse when I was seven years old!"
Kyle called Carter into our bedroom and Kyle asked "how come wewe didn't tell me that wewe got suspended from school?" Carter alisema "mommy alisema it was no big deal! wewe just need to mind your own business daddy!” My eyes widened in shock kwa what had just come out of my son’s mouth. I alisema "don't talk to your dad like that Carter." Kyle just rolled his eyes in disbelief as Carter walked out of the room.
May 3, 2015,
Kyle came out of Carter's bedroom and alisema "I took the video game out of his room." I asked "why did wewe do that?" He alisema "because his teacher just called and he's been suspended again." I asked "what did he do this time?" Kyle alisema "he ran off of school grounds during recess and the teacher couldn't find him!" I alisema "maybe we should just take him out of school and start homeschooling him." Kyle alisema "that's not going to fix the problem AJ! What he really needs is for one of us to discipline him and since wewe won't let me do it you're going to have to!" I alisema "disciplining him isn't going to make a difference. I don't see it as a big deal because the teachers found him. I'm not going to discipline him for that Kyle!" Kyle alisema with irritation in his voice "so you're just going to leave me to pick up the pieces when you're gone on tour? I'll have to deal with him and a newborn baby all on my own; the way things are going he's going to be out of control kwa the time wewe leave! The principal alisema she would drop him off for us because I can't trust wewe to stay in kitanda like you're supposed to!"
Before long, Carter walked through the door and Kyle looked at me; expecting me to do something. I walked Carter into his room and shut the door behind us. I sat down on the kitanda inayofuata to him and alisema "I can't believe wewe walked off of school grounds Carter!" He alisema "whatever" and flopped backwards onto the bed. I alisema "it's not whatever Carter! Nobody knew where wewe were and wewe could have gotten hurt! Someone could've hurt wewe au kidnapped you! Do wewe know how sad your dad and I would have been if we Lost you?" Carter chuckled and alisema "I was only gone for a few dakika mommy!" I alisema sternly "I don't find this funny at all and wewe will be punished!" Carter alisema "yeah right; wewe wouldn't do that!" I asked "you want to bet?"
I removed the mounted flatscreen TV off of the ukuta and walked out of the room. Once Carter realized what I was doing, he ran up to me and kicked me in my stomach right in front of Kyle. That's when Kyle flipped out! He shouted "DID wewe JUST KICK YOUR MOTHER IN THE STOMACH?" Carter immediately started crying at the sound of Kyle raising his voice at him because he's never done that before. I alisema "whoa Kyle; chill out! He's only seven!" Kyle alisema "go to your room Carter!" Carter ran off to his room and slammed the door.
Kyle asked frantically "are wewe okay? I can't believe he kicked wewe in your stomach; you're pregnant!" I alisema "I know you're scared for the baby; but that doesn't give wewe any excuse to scream at Carter like that! wewe saw his face; he was terrified of wewe and still is! I didn't expect wewe to traumatize him like that! He's never been exposed to that sort of reaction before! I don't appreciate wewe uigizaji like that towards him and I think wewe should apologize to him! That was totally uncalled for!"
Kyle felt terrible as he walked into Carter's bedroom and saw him hysterically crying on his bed. Kyle knelt down inayofuata to him and alisema "I didn't mean to scare wewe Carter. I'm sorry buddy! wewe just can't kick mommy in the stomach like that because it could've hurt the baby. That's the only reason why I screamed at you; but I won't do it again because I know it was wrong!" Carter sat up and alisema "that was really scary how your face turned red!"
Kyle decided to leave the room because he was feeling awful and I think he actually wanted to cry. I sat down on the kitanda and looked around the room. I proceeded to give my son a lecture; which is something I thought I would never do. I alisema "if your behavior doesn't get better soon I'm going to start making wewe go to school at home; like I had originally planned." Carter alisema "but wewe can't do that because I have so many friends! I upendo going to school!" I alisema "if I want to do that than I have the right as your mother to do so." Carter asked eagerly "if I say I'm sorry for getting suspended from school and kicking wewe do I get my TV back?" I alisema "yes; a week from now! Nice try though!"
I shut Carter's bedroom door after setting him up with a game on my laptop. I stood outside the doorway and slid my back down the ukuta as I sat down on the ground. Kyle came over with tears in his eyes and sat down inayofuata to me. He put his arm around me and alisema "I'm so sorry AJ! I never intended to scream at him like that! I guess I just got caught up in the moment and overreacted!" I stared off into space and Kyle asked "what's wrong?" I alisema softly under my breath "I just realized how much I sounded like my dad when I was punishing Carter just now. Oh my God; that's freaking me out! I sounded exactly like he did when he was punishing me!" Kyle laughed and alisema "I bet wewe never thought in 1 million years that wewe would lecture your son just like your dad did with wewe for 15 years!"
May 13, 2015,
I was going through some old stuff in the attic while Carter looked through some boxes for something to play with. He came across a book and passed it to me. I asked "what's this buddy?" He alisema "I don't know; but it has your name on it. I looked at the front cover of what appeared to be a picha album with the words "daddy's little tomboy" written in marker across the top.
Carter sat on my lap as I started to flip through the pages. He pointed to a picture of dad and I in the swimming pool and asked "who is that? Why are they in our swimming pool?" I alisema as I chuckled "that's me when I was your age and your Papa!" He asked with a puzzled look on his face "why are wewe guys in our swimming pool?" I alisema "this is where I grew up Carter! My daddy raised me here just like daddy and I are raising wewe here!" Carter joked "you grew up mommy? wewe still act like a big kid!" I smiled and alisema "yeah; I guess I really didn't grow up after all!"
As we looked at the various photos, Carter asked "what was your daddy like?" I just sat there in silence for what felt like forever trying to process what he had just asked me. I alisema as a single tear ran down my face "he was the best daddy ever!" He asked "why are wewe crying mommy?" I alisema "it's okay to cry." I wiped my tear filled eyes as Carter asked "do wewe have any good stories wewe can tell me about Papa?" I moved the two of us off of the ground and sat down with Carter still on my lap in a really comfortable reclining chair. I alisema "plenty of good stories!" Carter asked "can wewe tell me some of them?" I alisema "of course I will!"
I started kwa saying "I remember one time when I was almost 3 when your Papa took me to Disneyland right before uncle Prince was born. It was only the sekunde time I ever remember going to Disneyland and I remember that I was scared of Mickey Mouse. I wouldn't let go of your Papa's leg and was screaming at the juu of my lungs! Then he would whisper in my ear and tell me that everything was going to be okay! That he would never let anything happen to me! That there was nothing to be afraid of because he was there to protect me!" I started crying hysterically with Carter still on my lap as I recalled those exact words coming out of my father's mouth.
I moved Carter off of my lap and said" I'm sorry Carter; I can't talk about him anymore! I'll be back in a few minutes. Why don't wewe go watch TV in your room for a while? I'm going to go to my room. Carter alisema "I'm sorry I made wewe cry mommy."
I ran up to our bedroom just as Kyle was getting dressed and collapsed onto the kitanda in a mess of emotions that Kyle had never witnessed coming from me before. He lay down inayofuata to me and asked "oh my God; what's wrong babe?" I started hyperventilating and forced out of the words "I think – I'm having – a panic – attack!" He alisema "just take deep breaths; calm down!" I alisema "I can't do this without my dad!" Kyle asked "you can't do what without your dad?" I alisema "I can't live life without him!" He alisema "yes wewe can! You've been doing pretty good!" I alisema "he was supposed to be there for all of this! We got married and he wasn't physically there! I'm going to be having another baby and he won't even get to meet Addison! Carter doesn't even know really who his grandfather is; even though I tried so hard to keep his memory alive. I guess I just don't want to let my dad go! I can't be at peace with him being gone! Okay; I admit it! I needed him and I still need him! I JUST WANT MY DADDY; THAT'S ALL I WANT! I JUST WANT HIM TO HOLD ME! I KNOW I'M 21 YEARS OLD; BUT I JUST WANT HIM TO HOLD ME LIKE I'M FIVE YEARS OLD AGAIN AND NEVER LET GO! I don't miss my dad; I MISS MY DADDY! The daddy that tucked me into kitanda every night; even when I was a teenager he still did that! The daddy that always told me that he loved me; no matter what I did! The daddy that cut my chakula for me when I was little! The daddy that tied my shoes for me and then spent hours teaching me how to tie them on my own! The daddy that consoled me when I woke up in the middle of the night because of a bad dream! The daddy that wiped my –." Kyle widened his eyes with an awkward look on his face and alisema "I can see where this is going!" I burst out laughing and alisema "I was going to say nose!" Kyle breathed sigh of relief and alisema "oh thank God!" I alisema as I chuckled "I'm not excluding what wewe thought as a possibility when I was younger he did do that; when I was a toddler! Anyway; my point is that I realized that I don't miss my dad at all! Who I really miss is my daddy! The sad thing is that I pushed my daddy away a long time ago; when he was still alive! He would always try to reconnect with me after I turned into a teenager; but I didn't want to spend any time with him!"
Kyle moved me onto his lap and wrapped his arms around me. He alisema "I know that I'll never be as good as Michael was; but I'm not going anywhere! Everything is going to be okay and wewe can do this! We can do this! You're not alone!"
September 22, 2015,
I shook Kyle out of the deep sleep he was in and alisema "it's time Kyle!" He asked as he yawned "time for me to get wewe some zaidi food?" I alisema "no; it's time for wewe to take me to the hospital! I woke up a few dakika zamani to go to the bathroom and my water broke when I got back into bed."
Kyle immediately jumped out of kitanda and alisema "oh my God! What are we going to do with Carter?" I alisema "my brother’s phone number is on speed dial and I already told him to be prepared to come over here and watch Carter if this happened in the middle of the night. Don't worry; I already called him and he's on his way. Actually, I think he just pulled into the driveway.
Kyle did something that I definitely wasn't expecting. He picked me up and cradled me in his arms as he ran out the door. Prince asked as he chuckled "what the heck are wewe carrying AJ for Kyle? Her water broke; she's not paralyzed!" Kyle alisema frantically "there's no time to talk; we're having a baby anytime now!" Kyle practically threw the house keys out of the car window as we sped down the road. Kyle asked "are wewe okay? The baby isn't coming yet is it?" I alisema "don't worry; she's not going anywhere unless I start pushing." Kyle alisema "whatever wewe do; please don't push! I don't want to be another news story about a father her delivers his baby on the side of the road!" I alisema "calm down Kyle; I'm zaidi calm than wewe are and I'm in a lot of pain!" He alisema "sorry; I'm just excited and nervous all at once!"
After a nurse took us to a hospital room, we sat there waiting for the doctor to come in. After she arrived, she alisema "oh my God; this baby is going to come out any sekunde now! wewe didn't start pushing yet; did you?" I alisema "no; why?" She alisema "the baby's head in already all the way out! I have a feeling you're only going to need to push once! I was going to offer wewe the epidural; but there's no time!" I alisema as I recalled the tremendous pain I was in from giving birth to Carter without the epidural "I don't want to do this without some sort of numbing medication!" She alisema "you don't really have a choice at this point! We just have to get this baby out as soon as possible! Trust me; it's not going to be as bad as the first time because all wewe need is push a little bit and the baby will be out."
Sure enough, without even really trying; our daughter was brought into this world. Kyle looked over and alisema "she has my hair; she's pretty much bald though.” One of the nurses passed her to Kyle and he started to cry as he looked down at her. He brought her up to me and alisema "here's our little miracle baby! Addison Avery Lester." I took her out of his arms and alisema "I can't believe wewe and I created something so beautiful together!" The Doctor alisema "she seems really healthy; wewe can go nyumbani with her today if wewe want to!"
After signing a release form, Kyle and I walked out to his car and he started trying to figure out how to install the car seat. I chuckled as he Tangled himself up with the seatbelt in the back kiti, kiti cha and alisema "I thought wewe would've practiced this a few times; before we brought her home!" He alisema "I think I figured it out; go ahead." I buckled her into the car kiti, kiti cha after sitting down inayofuata to it and Kyle started the car.
I alisema "I have a feeling that Carter will be sleeping still; kwa the time we get back to the house. It's 3 o'clock in the morning and I don't think we shouldWake him up." Kyle alisema "Prince must've woken him up because I can see him through the windows in front of the house and he's watching TV."
Kyle walked behind me while he carried the car kiti, kiti cha with Addison inside it. Carter waited patiently while Prince took his niece over to him. Carter held Addison for a lot longer than I expected him to. He alisema "I'm so excited that I'm a big brother!" I alisema "that means you're going to have to help take care of Addison with daddy while I'm on tour starting in a few months. That reminds me of something; Kyle when are wewe going to start decorating Paris's old bedroom into the nursery for Addison?" He alisema "Addison can stay in our room until after wewe leave on tour and that way it can be a surprise for wewe when wewe get home. Trust me; it'll be worth the wait! I'm going to make the most perfect nursery anyone could ever imagine for my little girl! In the meantime, let's appreciate the last four months before wewe leave on your tour because after that I'm going to be taking care of two kids all on my own for nine months straight. Surprisingly, I'm looking mbele to it!"
I looked around the hospital room and alisema "I'm so glad that I can finally go home! I didn't expect it to take that many days for me to be rehydrated enough to go home!" Kyle alisema as we walked out to my truck "what do wewe think your family is going to say when they find out that you're pregnant with my baby?" I alisema "you heard what the doctor alisema to me yesterday; I can't be stressed out and I can pretty much guarantee wewe that a few people in particular are going to raise my stress level once they find out I'm pregnant again! The whole reason I passed out in the first place was because of the pressure that was being put on me! The last thing I need are my uncles and aunt Janet complaining about me being pregnant!!!" Kyle alisema "I understand that wewe don't want to tell them; but wewe can't hide it forever! Wouldn't wewe rather them find out from us? Rather than the other option; which is to onyesha up one siku with a huge stomach and have your water break!" I alisema "it's completely up to wewe whether wewe want to tell them are not! All I know is that I'm not putting up with their BS because it's not good for me au the baby! wewe can tell them; just don't do it when I'm around because I really don't want to hear it! I couldn't care less about what they think and I don't feel like they should act like they deserve for their opinions to be heard! They tried to turn grandma against me and my siblings! They kidnapped her and we had no idea where she was! They talk bad about dad in front of all of us and that makes me so angry because all dad ever did for them was basically bend over backwards to make sure that had everything they ever wanted! I don't even really think I want to see them again for as long as I live!" Kyle alisema "we really need to stop talking about this because I can tell just doing that is stressing wewe out babe! Don't worry about telling them that you're pregnant; I'll tell them when you're not around!" I alisema "in the meantime, we can at least tell my grandmother, Blanket, Prince, and Paris because I know that they'll be happy for us!" Kyle asked "how are we going to tell Carter?" I alisema "give me a few days because I just got out of the hospital and I need to regroup! We can tell him after I get settled back in at home!" Kyle alisema "I feel so terrible that wewe had that much stress on your shoulders! I shouldn't have let Frank put that much pressure on wewe about going back on tour when wewe weren't ready to!" I alisema "that's not your fault Kyle! I realize that I'm the one that has to bring the money in for us to live off of. I can promise wewe that a few months after the baby is born I'll be zaidi than ready to go on tour again because I'll have zaidi time to prepare my mind to be away from wewe guys for nine months straight!"
We pulled up in front of my grandmother's house and walked inside. Grandma came up to me and frantically asked "are wewe okay? What happened? I heard wewe passed out at your concert!!!" I chuckled and alisema "relax grandma; I'm fine!" She alisema "sorry; I just feel like I have to compensate for how worried your father would be if he was here!" Paris and Prince came running up to me and Prince alisema "I'm so glad you're okay AJ! I was really worried about wewe when I found out that wewe passed out!" Paris alisema "I know; I was too! The video of wewe passing out on stage is all over YouTube and the news! I guess one of the mashabiki had a video camera with them and captured the whole thing! wewe seemed like wewe to the ground really hard!"
I opened up the doors to the pango and gestured for my grandmother and siblings to follow me inside. Grandma alisema "whatever happened to wewe must've been pretty serious for wewe to want to talk to us alone in here! I don't like the vibe you're putting out AJ; you're worrying me!" Kyle and I sat down on the kitanda inayofuata to them and they all looked at us with worried expressions on their faces. We sat there in stunned silence for about five dakika before Kyle burst out and alisema "I can't take it anymore; AJ'S PREGNANT!!!" Paris looked at me and alisema "wait; I thought wewe couldn't get her pregnant Kyle! It is Kyle's baby; I hope!" I rolled my eyes and alisema "of course it's his baby Paris! I would never cheat on Kyle!" She took a sigh of relief as Prince asked "then how are wewe pregnant with his baby?" I alisema "there was only a 5% chance of him being able to get me pregnant on his own; so we thought the odds of it actually working were pretty much impossible! I guess this is one of those times where someone can say never say never!" Grandma asked "is that why wewe passed out AJ? Did wewe know wewe were pregnant? Were wewe trying to hide it just so wewe could go on tour and hope that nobody would find out?" I alisema "no; I didn't pass out because of that. I passed out because I was dehydrated from the morning sickness. I didn't know at all that I'm pregnant! I just thought I was throwing up because of nerves. Being pregnant was the last thing on my mind!" She asked "were wewe and Kyle still trying to get pregnant; even though the doctor alisema that there was pretty much your chance of that happening?" I alisema "I wouldn't say that we were necessarily trying to get pregnant. It was one of those things where if that happened we wouldn't be opposed to it! Kyle and I pretty much accepted the fact that he would never give us any biological children together! Before this happened, we actually started looking into adopting a child. "Blanket alisema "I'm so happy that I'm going to be an uncle again!" Kyle alisema "we really appreciate wewe watching Carter and taking him to school for us while AJ has been in the hospital! Before I forget, I want wewe guys to help keep AJ's stress level down during the pregnancy because the doctor alisema it's not good for the baby!!! The doctors don't really want her doing too much while she's pregnant! She's pretty much on kitanda rest the entire pregnancy!" Prince laughed and alisema "like that's going to happen! AJ has ADHD and is going to be impossible to make her relax for nine months!" Kyle alisema "I have a feeling it's going to take all of us for her to follow through with taking it easy; but we have to make it work!"
January 9, 2015,
Carter sat at the edge of his kitanda watching TV when Kyle and I decided to check on him. I sat down and alisema "hi buddy; I bet you're wondering why I didn't go on tour like I alisema I was going to!" He alisema "yeah; I was just thinking about that! Why didn't wewe go mommy?" I alisema with a smile on my face "you're going to have a little brother au sister soon!" He asked "you and daddy are having a baby together? How come your stomach is not big?" Kyle chuckled and alisema "it doesn't get big right away Carter! It'll be a while before wewe can really tell!" Carter alisema "make sure it's a boy because I want a little brother!" I alisema "we don't get to pick what it's going to be Carter; it just happens!"
February 3, 2015,
I had just left the bathroom, after waking up early in the morning with morning sickness and I climbed back into bed. Kyle asked "are wewe sure you're okay?" I alisema "yes; I told wewe it's normal for me to be throwing up!" He alisema "if there's anything wewe ever need from me don't be afraid to ask!" I alisema "there is one thing." He asked "what is it?" I alisema "I've been craving Chinese chakula like crazy and I was wondering if wewe would go get us some?" He looked over at the clock and alisema "it's 6 o'clock in the morning and I don't know if any Chinese chakula places are open this early. I'll go check anyway; just because I upendo you." I alisema "thanks Kyle; I really appreciate it!"
A few hours later, he arrived back at the house and walked up to our bedroom carrying a huge bag of Chinese food. He alisema "sorry it took me so long; you're in luck though because I found a 24-hour Chinese chakula restaurant a few towns over!" I alisema "you didn't have to drive that far just to get me the chakula that I wanted!" He alisema "I know; but I wanted to!" He started picked up chakula out of the bag and sat down on the bed. He alisema "I know Damien wasn't here for wewe last time when wewe were pregnant with Carter and I want to onyesha wewe how a real man is supposed to act!" I alisema "you don't really have to treat me any different just because I'm pregnant." He alisema "you deserve to be treated like the Queen!" I alisema "I know one thing's for sure; I hate being stuck in this bedroom all siku every day!" He alisema "it's only been a little over a week and wewe are already going crazy!" I alisema "I don't understand why I have to lay in kitanda pretty much the entire pregnancy! My ADHD is driving me nuts and I don't know how much of this I can take!" He alisema "I know that it seems like it sucks right now; but it'll be worth it once wewe see the baby for the first time!" I alisema "I know you're right; I just hope that I can keep my stress level down enough to where it doesn't affect the baby!" He alisema "I'll do everything I can to make sure that wewe relax as much as possible until the baby is born! Don't worry about anything because I've got it under control!"
February 23, 2015,
"I can't believe we're having a baby girl!" Kyle alisema as we walked in the house after going to the doctors. I alisema "I'm so glad it's a girl because after this I'm done being pregnant! I don't want any zaidi kids!" Kyle alisema "we have our son and our daughter and that's good enough for me!" I sat down on the kitanda and Kyle alisema "since I wasn't around when wewe named Carter, wewe should let me name her on my own! At least the first name!" I alisema "I don't know if wewe can handle that Kyle! It would be different if we were having a boy; but wewe have to remember that whatever name we name our daughter she is going to be stuck with for the rest of her life! I don't want her to have a stupid name!" He alisema "the name I picked out isn't that bad! How about if I give her the name I picked out for her first name and wewe can pick out whatever wewe want for her middle name?" I asked "what name did wewe pick out for her first name Kyle?" He alisema "Addison." I raised my eyebrows and alisema "actually, I like it! Okay: wewe win! We can name her Addison!"
I grabbed the baby book off the meza, jedwali and started to flip through the pages. I stopped and alisema out loud "Addison Avery; how does that sound to you?" He alisema "I really like that!" I alisema "I guess her names going to be Addison Avery Lester; that was easier than I thought it would be!" Kyle alisema "speaking of names; I've always wondered why wewe didn't change your last name to Lester when wewe and I got married." I alisema "it's not that I didn't want to; but part of my celebrity image is my last name and if I changed it that would probably affect my fans! I've been known as Alanna Jackson kwa the public for so long that it would be awkward if I changed my last name." He alisema "that's okay; I understand! I was just always curious. It doesn't really matter to me whether au not wewe have my last name!"
April 15, 2015,
Kyle was gone go shopping and I was up in my room when the phone rang. I answered it and the person on the other end alisema "excuse me; I'm looking for Miss Jackson." I alisema "this is her." She responded "hello; I'm the principal at your son Carter's school." I asked "is everything okay?" She alisema "no; not really. Carter's been suspended and I need wewe to come pick him up." I alisema "suspended; what can wewe possibly suspend a first grader for doing?" She alisema "Carter was using foul language in front of the other children and inside his classroom. He was told several times not to say the things he was saying; but he just continued on." I alisema as I sighed "okay; I'll be there in a few dakika to pick him up."
Even though I knew I wasn't supposed to be walking around much, I had to go pick up Carter because Kyle was gone. After driving to the school, I climbed out of my truck and walked inside. I walked down to the principal's office and the secretary let me into the room. I casually walked in and Carter looked up at me with shame in his eyes. I looked at the principal and alisema as I grabbed Carter's arm "I'm sorry for the inconvenience. I assure wewe that it won't happen again." She alisema "he suspended for a week of school. I'll see wewe then."
After Carter and I got into the truck, he looked at me in silence and I looked at him and he alisema "please don't tell daddy mommy!" I asked "what did wewe say in your classroom that got wewe in trouble?" He alisema "I told the teacher to shut the fuck up because she wouldn't stop complaining about my handwriting! Please don't tell daddy!" I rolled my eyes and alisema "don't worry; I won't because I know how it feels to get into trouble and I'm not the type of parent that's going to punish you. It's no big deal; I'll figure something out so daddy doesn't suspect anything weird going on!"
When we pulled into the driveway, Kyle had already gotten nyumbani and had parked his car inayofuata to my parking spot. The two of us walked inside and Kyle asked "where have wewe been AJ? wewe know you're not supposed to be out of bed! Why is Carter with you?" I alisema while thinking quickly "you must've forgotten that today starts April break for Carter! He doesn't have school for a whole week." Kyle alisema "I've been so busy making sure that you're okay AJ that I must've forgotten all about it!" As Kyle walked away, Carter gave me a secretive high-five and alisema "thanks for covering for me mommy!"
April 21, 2015,
I'm running out of things to do to keep myself busy because Kyle won't let me do anything other than stay up here in our bedroom all siku every day! I decided to have him bring some of my childhood nyumbani sinema for us to watch together. He put one of the sinema in the VCR and pressed play:
Dated at the bottom of the screen January 5, 2005,
I was holding the camera and laughing hysterically as dad attempted to skateboard; but he could barely stand up on it. He alisema "I don't know about this AJ! It doesn't look safe! I don't know how wewe do this! It's moving around too much for me!" I alisema "dad; come on! You're being such a wimp! Once wewe get the hang of it, you'll be fine; trust me! It's not as hard as it looks!" He hopped off skateboard and alisema "I'll stick to dancing. I'm afraid that if I keep trying to skateboard on that thing I will crack my head open!" I alisema "you're going to be missing out; that's all I have to say about it." He alisema "all I know about skateboarding is that I better not catch wewe without your kofia, chapeo on!" I alisema "yeah, yeah, yeah; I know dad! wewe don't have to give me a lecture!" He alisema "it may seem like I'm nagging you; but you'll thank me later!"
*Video ends*
I immediately started crying and Kyle asked "is it the pregnancy mood swings again?" I alisema "my dad was supposed to be here! He shouldn't have died! Being pregnant again only makes me miss him zaidi because it reminds me of how much he did for me when I was pregnant with Carter!" Kyle alisema "I wish there was something I could do to make wewe feel better! If wewe don't want to watch anymore video we don't have to." I alisema "I don't think I could handle watching another video with him in it. It's just too much for me to handle! I don't understand why I was just so mean to him when all he ever wanted was to make me a good person! I just keep going back to the siku when I pretty much ditched him with Carter to go get drunk with some of my friends! I'll be the first to admit that I wasn't a good mom at all of the beginning! My dad pretty much took care of him on his own while I slept all siku and drank all night! I hate to say it; but if my dad wasn't around to take care of Carter those last few months before he passed away I don't think I would have Carter today! He would probably be in the foster care system because I wouldn't have taken care of him! Looking back on it now, I treated my dad like a personal babysitter and I should have appreciated everything that he's done for me over the years! It wasn't fair to him! He didn't want to be a dad again and basically he was because I wasn't taking care of my son!" Kyle alisema "you really need to stop beating yourself up for that! That happened a long time zamani and wewe heard what the psychic said! Your dad forgives wewe and he doesn't want wewe to feel guilty about stuff that happened before he died!" I alisema "I just don't understand why he had to die when I was only 15 years old and a teenage mother on juu of that! He left me at the worst possible time and I wasn't at all prepared for the reality of how the real world worked! Anytime I ever got in trouble before, he would come to my rescue and now he isn't here anymore to protect me from how awful the world can be!" Kyle alisema "I know that if he had the choice to stay alive he would still be here! He even told wewe through the psychic that he wasn't ready to leave this world!" I alisema "I would do anything just to hug him one zaidi time!"
April 25, 2015,
Kyle came and asked with irritation in his voice "how long were wewe planning to lie to me?" I asked "what do wewe mean?" He alisema "Carter's school just called and asked me if we wanted someone to drop off the school work he's missed this week!" I alisema "I knew wewe would overreact and punish Carter from getting suspended! That's the whole reason I lied to wewe in the first place!" He alisema "I don't want this to turn into a fight because it's not good for wewe au the baby. All I'm saying is that if wewe don't start punishing him soon for misbehaving it will only get worse." I alisema "I realized that Kyle; but what he did wasn't that bad! I've done way worse when I was seven years old!"
Kyle called Carter into our bedroom and Kyle asked "how come wewe didn't tell me that wewe got suspended from school?" Carter alisema "mommy alisema it was no big deal! wewe just need to mind your own business daddy!” My eyes widened in shock kwa what had just come out of my son’s mouth. I alisema "don't talk to your dad like that Carter." Kyle just rolled his eyes in disbelief as Carter walked out of the room.
May 3, 2015,
Kyle came out of Carter's bedroom and alisema "I took the video game out of his room." I asked "why did wewe do that?" He alisema "because his teacher just called and he's been suspended again." I asked "what did he do this time?" Kyle alisema "he ran off of school grounds during recess and the teacher couldn't find him!" I alisema "maybe we should just take him out of school and start homeschooling him." Kyle alisema "that's not going to fix the problem AJ! What he really needs is for one of us to discipline him and since wewe won't let me do it you're going to have to!" I alisema "disciplining him isn't going to make a difference. I don't see it as a big deal because the teachers found him. I'm not going to discipline him for that Kyle!" Kyle alisema with irritation in his voice "so you're just going to leave me to pick up the pieces when you're gone on tour? I'll have to deal with him and a newborn baby all on my own; the way things are going he's going to be out of control kwa the time wewe leave! The principal alisema she would drop him off for us because I can't trust wewe to stay in kitanda like you're supposed to!"
Before long, Carter walked through the door and Kyle looked at me; expecting me to do something. I walked Carter into his room and shut the door behind us. I sat down on the kitanda inayofuata to him and alisema "I can't believe wewe walked off of school grounds Carter!" He alisema "whatever" and flopped backwards onto the bed. I alisema "it's not whatever Carter! Nobody knew where wewe were and wewe could have gotten hurt! Someone could've hurt wewe au kidnapped you! Do wewe know how sad your dad and I would have been if we Lost you?" Carter chuckled and alisema "I was only gone for a few dakika mommy!" I alisema sternly "I don't find this funny at all and wewe will be punished!" Carter alisema "yeah right; wewe wouldn't do that!" I asked "you want to bet?"
I removed the mounted flatscreen TV off of the ukuta and walked out of the room. Once Carter realized what I was doing, he ran up to me and kicked me in my stomach right in front of Kyle. That's when Kyle flipped out! He shouted "DID wewe JUST KICK YOUR MOTHER IN THE STOMACH?" Carter immediately started crying at the sound of Kyle raising his voice at him because he's never done that before. I alisema "whoa Kyle; chill out! He's only seven!" Kyle alisema "go to your room Carter!" Carter ran off to his room and slammed the door.
Kyle asked frantically "are wewe okay? I can't believe he kicked wewe in your stomach; you're pregnant!" I alisema "I know you're scared for the baby; but that doesn't give wewe any excuse to scream at Carter like that! wewe saw his face; he was terrified of wewe and still is! I didn't expect wewe to traumatize him like that! He's never been exposed to that sort of reaction before! I don't appreciate wewe uigizaji like that towards him and I think wewe should apologize to him! That was totally uncalled for!"
Kyle felt terrible as he walked into Carter's bedroom and saw him hysterically crying on his bed. Kyle knelt down inayofuata to him and alisema "I didn't mean to scare wewe Carter. I'm sorry buddy! wewe just can't kick mommy in the stomach like that because it could've hurt the baby. That's the only reason why I screamed at you; but I won't do it again because I know it was wrong!" Carter sat up and alisema "that was really scary how your face turned red!"
Kyle decided to leave the room because he was feeling awful and I think he actually wanted to cry. I sat down on the kitanda and looked around the room. I proceeded to give my son a lecture; which is something I thought I would never do. I alisema "if your behavior doesn't get better soon I'm going to start making wewe go to school at home; like I had originally planned." Carter alisema "but wewe can't do that because I have so many friends! I upendo going to school!" I alisema "if I want to do that than I have the right as your mother to do so." Carter asked eagerly "if I say I'm sorry for getting suspended from school and kicking wewe do I get my TV back?" I alisema "yes; a week from now! Nice try though!"
I shut Carter's bedroom door after setting him up with a game on my laptop. I stood outside the doorway and slid my back down the ukuta as I sat down on the ground. Kyle came over with tears in his eyes and sat down inayofuata to me. He put his arm around me and alisema "I'm so sorry AJ! I never intended to scream at him like that! I guess I just got caught up in the moment and overreacted!" I stared off into space and Kyle asked "what's wrong?" I alisema softly under my breath "I just realized how much I sounded like my dad when I was punishing Carter just now. Oh my God; that's freaking me out! I sounded exactly like he did when he was punishing me!" Kyle laughed and alisema "I bet wewe never thought in 1 million years that wewe would lecture your son just like your dad did with wewe for 15 years!"
May 13, 2015,
I was going through some old stuff in the attic while Carter looked through some boxes for something to play with. He came across a book and passed it to me. I asked "what's this buddy?" He alisema "I don't know; but it has your name on it. I looked at the front cover of what appeared to be a picha album with the words "daddy's little tomboy" written in marker across the top.
Carter sat on my lap as I started to flip through the pages. He pointed to a picture of dad and I in the swimming pool and asked "who is that? Why are they in our swimming pool?" I alisema as I chuckled "that's me when I was your age and your Papa!" He asked with a puzzled look on his face "why are wewe guys in our swimming pool?" I alisema "this is where I grew up Carter! My daddy raised me here just like daddy and I are raising wewe here!" Carter joked "you grew up mommy? wewe still act like a big kid!" I smiled and alisema "yeah; I guess I really didn't grow up after all!"
As we looked at the various photos, Carter asked "what was your daddy like?" I just sat there in silence for what felt like forever trying to process what he had just asked me. I alisema as a single tear ran down my face "he was the best daddy ever!" He asked "why are wewe crying mommy?" I alisema "it's okay to cry." I wiped my tear filled eyes as Carter asked "do wewe have any good stories wewe can tell me about Papa?" I moved the two of us off of the ground and sat down with Carter still on my lap in a really comfortable reclining chair. I alisema "plenty of good stories!" Carter asked "can wewe tell me some of them?" I alisema "of course I will!"
I started kwa saying "I remember one time when I was almost 3 when your Papa took me to Disneyland right before uncle Prince was born. It was only the sekunde time I ever remember going to Disneyland and I remember that I was scared of Mickey Mouse. I wouldn't let go of your Papa's leg and was screaming at the juu of my lungs! Then he would whisper in my ear and tell me that everything was going to be okay! That he would never let anything happen to me! That there was nothing to be afraid of because he was there to protect me!" I started crying hysterically with Carter still on my lap as I recalled those exact words coming out of my father's mouth.
I moved Carter off of my lap and said" I'm sorry Carter; I can't talk about him anymore! I'll be back in a few minutes. Why don't wewe go watch TV in your room for a while? I'm going to go to my room. Carter alisema "I'm sorry I made wewe cry mommy."
I ran up to our bedroom just as Kyle was getting dressed and collapsed onto the kitanda in a mess of emotions that Kyle had never witnessed coming from me before. He lay down inayofuata to me and asked "oh my God; what's wrong babe?" I started hyperventilating and forced out of the words "I think – I'm having – a panic – attack!" He alisema "just take deep breaths; calm down!" I alisema "I can't do this without my dad!" Kyle asked "you can't do what without your dad?" I alisema "I can't live life without him!" He alisema "yes wewe can! You've been doing pretty good!" I alisema "he was supposed to be there for all of this! We got married and he wasn't physically there! I'm going to be having another baby and he won't even get to meet Addison! Carter doesn't even know really who his grandfather is; even though I tried so hard to keep his memory alive. I guess I just don't want to let my dad go! I can't be at peace with him being gone! Okay; I admit it! I needed him and I still need him! I JUST WANT MY DADDY; THAT'S ALL I WANT! I JUST WANT HIM TO HOLD ME! I KNOW I'M 21 YEARS OLD; BUT I JUST WANT HIM TO HOLD ME LIKE I'M FIVE YEARS OLD AGAIN AND NEVER LET GO! I don't miss my dad; I MISS MY DADDY! The daddy that tucked me into kitanda every night; even when I was a teenager he still did that! The daddy that always told me that he loved me; no matter what I did! The daddy that cut my chakula for me when I was little! The daddy that tied my shoes for me and then spent hours teaching me how to tie them on my own! The daddy that consoled me when I woke up in the middle of the night because of a bad dream! The daddy that wiped my –." Kyle widened his eyes with an awkward look on his face and alisema "I can see where this is going!" I burst out laughing and alisema "I was going to say nose!" Kyle breathed sigh of relief and alisema "oh thank God!" I alisema as I chuckled "I'm not excluding what wewe thought as a possibility when I was younger he did do that; when I was a toddler! Anyway; my point is that I realized that I don't miss my dad at all! Who I really miss is my daddy! The sad thing is that I pushed my daddy away a long time ago; when he was still alive! He would always try to reconnect with me after I turned into a teenager; but I didn't want to spend any time with him!"
Kyle moved me onto his lap and wrapped his arms around me. He alisema "I know that I'll never be as good as Michael was; but I'm not going anywhere! Everything is going to be okay and wewe can do this! We can do this! You're not alone!"
September 22, 2015,
I shook Kyle out of the deep sleep he was in and alisema "it's time Kyle!" He asked as he yawned "time for me to get wewe some zaidi food?" I alisema "no; it's time for wewe to take me to the hospital! I woke up a few dakika zamani to go to the bathroom and my water broke when I got back into bed."
Kyle immediately jumped out of kitanda and alisema "oh my God! What are we going to do with Carter?" I alisema "my brother’s phone number is on speed dial and I already told him to be prepared to come over here and watch Carter if this happened in the middle of the night. Don't worry; I already called him and he's on his way. Actually, I think he just pulled into the driveway.
Kyle did something that I definitely wasn't expecting. He picked me up and cradled me in his arms as he ran out the door. Prince asked as he chuckled "what the heck are wewe carrying AJ for Kyle? Her water broke; she's not paralyzed!" Kyle alisema frantically "there's no time to talk; we're having a baby anytime now!" Kyle practically threw the house keys out of the car window as we sped down the road. Kyle asked "are wewe okay? The baby isn't coming yet is it?" I alisema "don't worry; she's not going anywhere unless I start pushing." Kyle alisema "whatever wewe do; please don't push! I don't want to be another news story about a father her delivers his baby on the side of the road!" I alisema "calm down Kyle; I'm zaidi calm than wewe are and I'm in a lot of pain!" He alisema "sorry; I'm just excited and nervous all at once!"
After a nurse took us to a hospital room, we sat there waiting for the doctor to come in. After she arrived, she alisema "oh my God; this baby is going to come out any sekunde now! wewe didn't start pushing yet; did you?" I alisema "no; why?" She alisema "the baby's head in already all the way out! I have a feeling you're only going to need to push once! I was going to offer wewe the epidural; but there's no time!" I alisema as I recalled the tremendous pain I was in from giving birth to Carter without the epidural "I don't want to do this without some sort of numbing medication!" She alisema "you don't really have a choice at this point! We just have to get this baby out as soon as possible! Trust me; it's not going to be as bad as the first time because all wewe need is push a little bit and the baby will be out."
Sure enough, without even really trying; our daughter was brought into this world. Kyle looked over and alisema "she has my hair; she's pretty much bald though.” One of the nurses passed her to Kyle and he started to cry as he looked down at her. He brought her up to me and alisema "here's our little miracle baby! Addison Avery Lester." I took her out of his arms and alisema "I can't believe wewe and I created something so beautiful together!" The Doctor alisema "she seems really healthy; wewe can go nyumbani with her today if wewe want to!"
After signing a release form, Kyle and I walked out to his car and he started trying to figure out how to install the car seat. I chuckled as he Tangled himself up with the seatbelt in the back kiti, kiti cha and alisema "I thought wewe would've practiced this a few times; before we brought her home!" He alisema "I think I figured it out; go ahead." I buckled her into the car kiti, kiti cha after sitting down inayofuata to it and Kyle started the car.
I alisema "I have a feeling that Carter will be sleeping still; kwa the time we get back to the house. It's 3 o'clock in the morning and I don't think we shouldWake him up." Kyle alisema "Prince must've woken him up because I can see him through the windows in front of the house and he's watching TV."
Kyle walked behind me while he carried the car kiti, kiti cha with Addison inside it. Carter waited patiently while Prince took his niece over to him. Carter held Addison for a lot longer than I expected him to. He alisema "I'm so excited that I'm a big brother!" I alisema "that means you're going to have to help take care of Addison with daddy while I'm on tour starting in a few months. That reminds me of something; Kyle when are wewe going to start decorating Paris's old bedroom into the nursery for Addison?" He alisema "Addison can stay in our room until after wewe leave on tour and that way it can be a surprise for wewe when wewe get home. Trust me; it'll be worth the wait! I'm going to make the most perfect nursery anyone could ever imagine for my little girl! In the meantime, let's appreciate the last four months before wewe leave on your tour because after that I'm going to be taking care of two kids all on my own for nine months straight. Surprisingly, I'm looking mbele to it!"
