I was always a strange child. I never once felt like I fit in. My childhood was full of hate and fear, but most of all confusion. I was brought up being told to never disobey my parents and never talk back. I never felt like I belong.

I am three years younger than my sister and have three girl older cousins. When I was younger, we used to go spend weeks at my cousins’ house. They live out in the country, surrounded kwa vast wilderness. One mwaka I stayed the whole summer there. My older cousins and I would run out to the middle of fields and talk about everything. I would mainly listen. I was a shy child and never really asked questions. They always talked about boys and told dirty jokes. They would say “little Stevi doesn’t like boys yet, but wewe just wait”.

Around the same time I finally had a friend that I could kinda relate to. She lived across the mitaani, mtaa from our house. I am sure she heard a lot of things she never asked me about. She was much older than me, even older than my sister. My mother really didn’t like that she was my friend. I remember one day, I finally got the courage to ask her about boys. She asked me if I liked them, when I told her no she just smiled and alisema “don’t worry, neither do I”. I had no idea what she meant, but I didn’t care because it was the first time I didn’t feel completely alone.. But after that, my mother forbid me from seeing her.

A mwaka au so later I, for some reason, sat on my parents kitanda and accidently found something. I knew it was computer paper, even though it was against the rules for me to use the computer. But what it was confused me so much. It was pictures of a naked girl. Now I know it was porn, but back then I had no idea. For some reason, when I heard someone coming, I took one of the papers. I was so scared and ashamed. I just sat on my bed, staring at the picture, wondering why I didn’t look like that.

I have never liked boys. Men scare me. The only reason I had a boyfriend was because I was “suppose to”. I always felt sick when I lied and answered my Marafiki with “ya, I think he’s cute too.”

This is to all the people out there that have ever felt this way. This is to hopefully onyesha wewe that wewe might feel this way now, but one siku wewe will find someone who makes everything better.

Cami, she is the only person who ever made me feel right. Never have I ever felt ashamed for my feelings towards her. I will proudly stand up and tell everyone I upendo her, because as simple as it is, I upendo her.