Okay first, let me tell you:
DUDEEEE!
Your life truly sucks.
And second:
Welcome!
wewe are in the right place. Now sit down and grab some salt.
Here are some examples to follow from the people who know how to deal with crappy situations the best. Just choose the profaili that fits wewe the best.
FIRST PROFILE:
wewe are a strong person, who doesn’t really like chick flick moments au to onyesha your emotions, but that, in reality, is as cute as a teddy kubeba (that sometimes gets pissed off) can be?
Well then, lucky you! wewe are just like Dean and wewe have a kick-ass personality!
wewe are really in upendo with your car, and that’s kind of awesome, since driving a car is a great way of clearing your mind. So since wewe aren’t the biggest planes fan, wewe should drive and drive on your car. And don’t worry about the gasoline price au something like that [it’s not like there’s a oil war out there, and those things are overrated anyways], that’s why the fake credit cards exist.
wewe might get a bit tired of the driving, though (yep, that happens to the best ones, no need to be ashamed). So if that happens, just rent a motel room and make sure that it comes with a vibrating massage kitanda (you may need a lot of coins for this one). Yes, I know how bad that sounds, but there’s no need to be shy. Also, wewe will be alone in the room. Who do wewe think it can be there anyways, your brother? Yea, right. Like he doesn’t have a life of his own. *insert sarcasm note here*
BUT, if your bother is in the room with wewe for some creepy au Supernatural reason, make sure wewe make as much fun as wewe can of him. That will make wewe happy as hell, I promise. Also, there’s nothing wrong in using his laptop and go visit some cool websites like bustyasianbeauties.com. wewe would be doing him a favor, if wewe ask me. He needs to learn something about real life (so yea, make sure to update his internet favorites). wewe can also get a myspace, I heard that women dig that (Note to yourself: learn what the hell a myspace is).
wewe don’t wanna be closed in a strange and cheap motel room forever, so get out and have some fun. Meet new people. And kwa people I mean women and kwa meeting I mean getting laid; but it’s all the same right? Just be reaaaally careful with the type of women wewe meet; some of them can be very sneaky and steal a hand of your pocket without wewe even noticing, literally (again, don’t feel bad if that happens, at least she was willing to have animal sex with you).
Just drink some purple nipple shots and you’ll be fine.
Of course all this epic journey should be taken with some old school rock cassettes and pie (LOTS of pie). I heard that mumbling Metallica it’s a really good way of calming down. And pie it’s just good for your health.
Most of all, don’t forget to have FUN! Go visit some cool places like Hollywood. Who knows, wewe can even bang Paris Hilton (or make sure wewe kill her, so she can’t ruin some bila mpangilio epic tv onyesha – that would be kind of awesome).
Just make sure wewe be careful, wewe don’t wanna die in a hospital where the nurses aren't even hot. So stay away from crossroads, okay?
Final advice: Helping Marafiki is awesome, and wewe are an amazing friend. Just make sure wewe don’t help them too much, au wewe might end up in jail.
And remember, wewe are awesome. And adorable.
SECOND PROFILE:
wewe are smart, open-minded, generous and wewe don’t like when people mess with your stuff? Nobody ever gets your intelligence? Aww well, aren’t wewe a cutie pie! wewe are just like Sam.
People don’t exactly understand/appreciate your smartness (yea, being smart hurts sometimes), so maybe that means it’s time to spread your horizons and meet new people. Just be cautious about who wewe meet, wewe don’t wanna ending up sleeping with someone *really* hairy who can bite (trust me when I tell wewe that those aren’t the type of bites you’re looking for) au someone who keeps offering wewe some weird red bloody thing to drink.
If wewe can’t find someone under those conditions, no worries. Usually even the cheapest motels have porn channels, so It’s all good.
wewe should go out zaidi often, but wewe also need to collaborate. If wewe go to a Halloween party, make sure wewe go dressed up in some costume [SUIT UP!]. wewe can’t go dressed up as yourself – UNLESS wewe are really hot; in that case wewe should UNdressed up and use just a towel around your waist (but I highly doubt that’s your case).
And to be the spirit [lol, excuse my choice of words] of the party wewe just need to charm people with some of your talents, like fairy tales and a couple of magic tricks. That will totally blow them away; I wouldn’t be surprised if some of them become speechless after that.
wewe can also invite people for some Pictionary game, because your draws are always so awesome!
If after all of that, wewe still don’t have some friends; damn those people seriously have issues. And who better to acknowledge their pain than you?
....
Yea, I thought so.
This means it’s time to start giving hugs. onyesha those people that wewe are there for them, in the end they are just brave little soldiers, too precious for this world.
....
Didn’t work?
Oh well, I’m not a freaking Angel, so don’t expect miracles.
And who needs Marafiki anyways? Don’t wewe have a brother au something? That will do.
Also, here’s some good news: wewe don’t need anybody to get drunk.
Just make sure wewe don’t drink too much, otherwise, wewe will end up the night hugged to a toilet.
Final advice: Be careful while wewe sleep. Not everybody is nice like you, so be alert au wewe might wake up with some spoon in your mouth. Also, watch where wewe walk on, wewe don’t want to lose a shoe au something.
Make sure wewe take this serious! It’s a very serious matter, we don’t have time for blah blah blah blah, blah blah, blah blah, BLAH!
