1. If wewe are married, and intend to renew your wedding vows, DON'T. wewe will end up divorced.
2. Amnesia is very common. In fact, nearly every time wewe hit your head amnesia will result. AND it's fairly simple to get rid of. Just have people:
A)Take turns hitting wewe on the head again until your memory comes back
OR
B)Have them let wewe wander around, confused, for a few days until it comes back on its own au something else hits wewe on the head.
3. If a friend au member of your family introduces a cousin, aunt, uncle, sibling, etc that looks EXACTLY like them, run in the other direction. They are always EVIL.
4. Do not hire a butler, a maid, au a nanny unless wewe are willing to accept them into your family. Either wewe au a family member will end up falling in upendo with them. In the case of two au zaidi of the above living under one roof, prepare for double the upendo troubles.
5. If wewe have a pet, wewe don't need to train them! They will grow up to perform tricks, save people's lives, and be really really cute entirely on their own!
6. If wewe have a secret, the entire world will know in just 22 short minutes. Doesn't matter if wewe "tell" anyone, somehow everyone will still find out.
7. wewe will dislike the company of (possibly even despise) your in-laws.
7a. wewe will dislike your kid'(s) bf/gf.
7b. 9 times out of 10 they will also dislike you.
8. Twins are a really common phenomenon (both identical and fraternal). wewe can have twins easily with no fertility treatments! Wow, awesome! So if wewe are expecting, don't just eat for 2. Play it salama and eat for 3.
9. If wewe see a pair of handcuffs, don't touch them. Just don't. The keys are always missing. But if wewe do happen to touch the handcuffs, prepare yourself to wind up being attached to:
A)The sibling wewe like the least
B)Someone ridiculous (i.e. hooker, stranger, etc)
C)Someone wewe can't stand
D)All of the above?
This will normally last for around 24 hours.
10. Stag/Hen parties are always, always, always a BAD idea. No elaboration needed.
11. Running into your ex(s), even in a big city, is really common and will always happen when wewe are with your current significant other.
11a. If your ex calls and wants to see wewe DO NOT (i repeat) DO NOT agree to see them again because they will always attempt to get back together with you.
11b. Conversely, if wewe attempt reconciliation they will always be with their significant other. Damn.
12. It is not only easy to meet your inayopendelewa celebrity, but appearing on their show, imba with them, au getting them to assist wewe in some hair brained scheme is also fairly simple.
13. Never buy an expensive vase, desk, lamp, piece of furniture, vest, dress, watch (ok, just don't buy anything expensive at all!) because it will somehow end up broken, lost, au destroyed.
13a. Hint: If wewe have children, they did it.
13b. If wewe don't have children, it's most likely an extraneous family member causing trouble. See #7.
14. If wewe intend to throw someone a surprise party au event of some sort, they will always find out. See #6.
15. Architects, Doctors, Lawyers, TV/Radio hosts, Musicians, and Designers are all very common career choices. Hardly anyone ever becomes a Teacher, Secretary, Clerk, au Accountant. (How boring!)
16. If wewe do something terrible to a friend au family member all wewe need to do is apologize and all will be forgiven. Whether wewe called your sibling a nasty name au cheated on your spouse, they will forgive wewe and life moves on. After all, that's what Marafiki and family do! NOTE: Sometimes, multiple apologies may be necessary.
17. Beware of your neighbors. They are always annoying and generally very nosy. If wewe suspect they are spying on you, it's because they probably are! They never have anything better to do with their time except come over and bother you. Better get used to it!
18. If wewe have a cellar, make sure to check it on a semi-normal basis. Somehow, someone will end up stuck down there (and they'll start losing their minds almost immediately!)
19. If wewe are a teenager, wewe will always get the boy/girl of your dreams to fall for you. It doesn't matter if wewe are the world's biggest nerd and they are the world's biggest hottie; just pursue them for a little while and everything will turn out the way wewe want. (Again, this may take a little time. But don't despair, it will happen!)
20. Never eavesdrop. wewe will inevitably misinterpret the overheard conversation and come to a grandiose and incorrect conclusion which will result in your embarrassment. So, if wewe hear two people wewe know discussing something important, resist the urge to listen in.
Note from the author: The above does not necessarily apply to animated au "mockumentary" sitcoms (i.e. The Simpsons, The Office, Scrubs, Family Guy, Modern Family, etc.)
Actress Drea King
