When I was about 11, I was self-declared "Narnia crazy." I was also a wannabe writer- and I was pretty bad at it. Several of the stories I wrote were Narnia fanfiction, and none of them were any good au made any sense. I've decided to share the synopses of 4 of these fanfics (with excerpts of particularly cringey passages), because I thought it might provide some laughs. I've ordered them here from "best" (4) to worst (1).
4) The simba, simba wa kike Cub Of Narnia
This is probably the best written out of all of them, but it still doesn't make much sense. It's about Aslan's daughter Azorah, who- get this- he had with a Narnian lioness. I know- it's kind of unacceptable. But anyway, she runs off to try and find her father, and the whole story is about her search. What doesn't make sense is that she actually ends up on the Dawn Treader, and even goes with the small party to Aslan's country at the end, which flatly contradicts what's canon. There are even 2 other lion cubs on board, which contradicts it even more. What's more, I was a moron and gave every single lion in the story a name starting with A.
Obviously, father and daughter are reunited at the end, and the mother Alasa also "appears" in Aslan's country.
I alisema it was the "best written" because most of the prose actually isn't atrocious. However, it isn't completely devoid of cringey passages. for instance:
"My mother," alisema Alsad. "Always prays to Aslan to protect me every night."
"My father," alisema Abra. "Sings songs about Aslan wherever he goes."
"My father," alisema Azorah. "Is named after him."
"Are wewe sure," alisema Caspian. "That your father isn't Aslan himself? Because it's considered unlucky to be named after him."
This "bad luck" was never actually mentioned in any of the vitabu as far as I remember... correct me if I'm wrong.
Reepicheep stepped mbele and bowed to Aslan, and Aslan, blushing, bowed to Reepicheep.
This, to me, is the worst. As if something like this would actually happen.
Azorah's parents collapsed in a big smoochy cuddle.
I know. Completely unacceptable.
3) The Narnian Seal
Seals were another one of my obsessions at that age, so I was basically just combining two of my obsessions in this one.
The story was about a muhuri with the stupidest name in the world- Sealy Lovely. He's the last muhuri in Narnia because the rest have died- which is stupid. He meets Emma, a new Narnian queen, and- get this- they fall in love. Seriously- imagine a girl falling in upendo with a seal!
Their only barrier is that they think "the Narnians might not want a muhuri as a king." So they swim all the way to Aslan's country just to ask if they can get married- although I never actually refer to Aslan kwa name. I just call him "the Lion" the entire time.
One of the things that really annoys me is that, fairly early on in the story, Sealy Lovely insults Aslan, and Emma doesn't even seems to care. In fact, she seems to agree with him!
"Well, even if the Narnians don't mind, that Lion will," alisema Emma.
"Oh, that silly Lion," alisema Sealy Lovely. "He's very bossy."
Seriously- what self respecting Narnian would actually say that?
Then a faun swan past with a buck and he dipped it in the water and shared it with them. They realised the water tasted sweet.
Yes, yes, we all know what sweet water means... but what a stupid way to reveal they were nearing their destination.
Possibly worst of all is how Aslan responds to their request. Of course, if this story made any sense, he would've alisema no, because, after all, he decreed that all kings and queens of Narnia be human! But instead, we get this unbearable amount of cringe:
The Lion alisema "I will let wewe marry the muhuri if wewe answer this swali correctly: What is the first letter of my name?"
Emma, who was only 10, thought it was best to go through the whole alphabet. "A," she said.
"Correct," alisema the Lion. "You may marry the muhuri today."
What Narnian would even have to "guess" in the first place?
2) A Narnian Problem
I made up several stories about Cecelia, my imaginary future daughter, and her adventures in Narnia, however, this was the only one I actually wrote down. Somehow Narnia still exists, and Lucy is not only still alive but still a young girl, even though this story is set in the future (I think this could be attributed to me interpreting the series ending quite differently from most people, but still it doesn't make much sense).
In this story, Cecelia is with 3 friends, one of which is Lucy. The other two are called Mary and Emily. A dryad arrives at their door and takes them to Narnia. They find out that Aslan has been captured kwa some people from our world (unrealistic much?) and they watch as his cage is put on the back of a truck and he's taken to a zoo. They go to the zoo, where he's been renamed "Goldie," and meet two young twins there. Aslan then reveals this was all a plan to get the two kids to save Narnia, and transports them all back there. This makes it slightly zaidi realistic but it was still a stupid idea.
One day, Cecelia was hanging out in her room with Mary, Emily and Lucy. They were talking about Narnia. Suddenly, Cecelia's dad came in!
"There's someone standing at the door waiting for you!" alisema her dad. "She looks Narnian!"
"Narnian?" alisema Cecelia. "Come on, girls!" she alisema as she got up off her bed. She knew that a Narnian adventure was about to begin!
If referring to your Marafiki as "girls," isn't cringey, I don't know what is...
"Well, that explains the new lion that's coming to the zoo," alisema Emily. "They have too many lions already."
"If they have too many lions," alisema Cecelia. "Why did they go to Narnia to look for more?"
"A zoo," mumbled the dryad. "Too many lions..."
Okay, "too many lions" is actually hilarious, but it's really not great writing.
Aslan woke up, but none of the other lions stirred, even when Aslan started pacing around the cage roaring loudly. One of his roars was not actually a roar, but the word Narnia.
"Narnia!" alisema the boy. "That's the book we read!"
"Yes!" alisema the girl. "Goldie's roar sounded so much like the word Narnia!"
Lucy came up to him. "He's not Goldie, he's Aslan," she said.
The twins unlocked the big dhahabu door on the cage, and ran in, shouting: "Aslan, Aslan, Aslan, Aslan, Aslan!"
I think the unnecessary repetition of "Aslan" was intended to onyesha that they were childish little kids, but now it just makes me cringe and laugh at the same time. And that's not even mentioning what else is wrong with the passage... for instance, how on Earth did they acquire a key?
4) In Narnia: Avocado Dream
This is kwa far the worst and possibly even the worst thing I've ever written. As the title suggests, it was directly inspired kwa a dream and takes the content of the dream almost wholesale.
I wrote this one in the format of a short play. The main character is called Nurnia, which is an amalgamation of Narnia and my real life name. She's a Narnian who's visiting a town in that world where- get this- they worship an avocado, and believe that alisema avocado created the world! As far as plots go, wewe don't get much worse than that.
Of course, Nurnia argues with these people that, no, the world was created kwa Aslan. They, of course, don't believe her, and for some reason most of them have never heard of lions either. Then it ends in the most ridiculous way imaginable.
If I was going to quote everything cringey, I'd end up quoting the whole thing. So I'll just quote some particularly bad parts:
One thing that particularly gets me is that the first line of the entire play is "Long live Petrilia avocado!" (yes, that's the name), and later it's explained that "she rotted away a thousand years ago!" Contradictory much?
Here's some zaidi direct quotes:
Nurnia: I'm from Narnia. My mum's name is Nur, so she named me after herself and Narnia. What's your name?
Shellymae: Oh, Nurnia girl. My name is Shellymae.
Nurnia: That's a pretty name.
I'm sure wewe agree that the explanation for her name is stupid, and that Shellymae is a moron.
Nurnia: What's all this stuff about an avocado creating the world?
Shellymae: She created it. She isn't still creating it.
Nurnia: I didn't mean that. I know he isn't still creating it.
Shellymae: Petrilia Avocado wasn't a boy! She was a girl!
Nurnia: I'm not talking about the avocado! I'm talking about Aslan!
Shellymae: Aslan Avocado. Sounds nice.
^Awful.
And here's the ridiculous ending, in which they actually switch positions on the matter...
Shellymae: A lion! Wow! You're good at drawing lions!
Nurnia: Yes. It's Aslan!
Shellymae: I admire Aslan. He's that lion that created the world, isn't he?
Nurnia: He created Narnia. He probably did create the rest of the world too.
Pippi: What's all this about? Nurnia, can I see your picture? That lion is made up, isn't he?
Nurnia: No! He's not made up!
Shellymae: Can I come to Narnia with wewe when wewe go back?
Nurnia: Yes. I'm going back today. There's going to be a big feast, and Aslan will come.
Shellymae: Aslan? In Narnia? We have to go to Narnia and meet him! I wanna give him this avocado!
Nurnia: That's a great idea. He loves avocados.
Shellymae: Why?
Nurnia: Because of Petrilia Avocado, of course!
I leave wewe on that ridiculous note.
4) The simba, simba wa kike Cub Of Narnia
This is probably the best written out of all of them, but it still doesn't make much sense. It's about Aslan's daughter Azorah, who- get this- he had with a Narnian lioness. I know- it's kind of unacceptable. But anyway, she runs off to try and find her father, and the whole story is about her search. What doesn't make sense is that she actually ends up on the Dawn Treader, and even goes with the small party to Aslan's country at the end, which flatly contradicts what's canon. There are even 2 other lion cubs on board, which contradicts it even more. What's more, I was a moron and gave every single lion in the story a name starting with A.
Obviously, father and daughter are reunited at the end, and the mother Alasa also "appears" in Aslan's country.
I alisema it was the "best written" because most of the prose actually isn't atrocious. However, it isn't completely devoid of cringey passages. for instance:
"My mother," alisema Alsad. "Always prays to Aslan to protect me every night."
"My father," alisema Abra. "Sings songs about Aslan wherever he goes."
"My father," alisema Azorah. "Is named after him."
"Are wewe sure," alisema Caspian. "That your father isn't Aslan himself? Because it's considered unlucky to be named after him."
This "bad luck" was never actually mentioned in any of the vitabu as far as I remember... correct me if I'm wrong.
Reepicheep stepped mbele and bowed to Aslan, and Aslan, blushing, bowed to Reepicheep.
This, to me, is the worst. As if something like this would actually happen.
Azorah's parents collapsed in a big smoochy cuddle.
I know. Completely unacceptable.
3) The Narnian Seal
Seals were another one of my obsessions at that age, so I was basically just combining two of my obsessions in this one.
The story was about a muhuri with the stupidest name in the world- Sealy Lovely. He's the last muhuri in Narnia because the rest have died- which is stupid. He meets Emma, a new Narnian queen, and- get this- they fall in love. Seriously- imagine a girl falling in upendo with a seal!
Their only barrier is that they think "the Narnians might not want a muhuri as a king." So they swim all the way to Aslan's country just to ask if they can get married- although I never actually refer to Aslan kwa name. I just call him "the Lion" the entire time.
One of the things that really annoys me is that, fairly early on in the story, Sealy Lovely insults Aslan, and Emma doesn't even seems to care. In fact, she seems to agree with him!
"Well, even if the Narnians don't mind, that Lion will," alisema Emma.
"Oh, that silly Lion," alisema Sealy Lovely. "He's very bossy."
Seriously- what self respecting Narnian would actually say that?
Then a faun swan past with a buck and he dipped it in the water and shared it with them. They realised the water tasted sweet.
Yes, yes, we all know what sweet water means... but what a stupid way to reveal they were nearing their destination.
Possibly worst of all is how Aslan responds to their request. Of course, if this story made any sense, he would've alisema no, because, after all, he decreed that all kings and queens of Narnia be human! But instead, we get this unbearable amount of cringe:
The Lion alisema "I will let wewe marry the muhuri if wewe answer this swali correctly: What is the first letter of my name?"
Emma, who was only 10, thought it was best to go through the whole alphabet. "A," she said.
"Correct," alisema the Lion. "You may marry the muhuri today."
What Narnian would even have to "guess" in the first place?
2) A Narnian Problem
I made up several stories about Cecelia, my imaginary future daughter, and her adventures in Narnia, however, this was the only one I actually wrote down. Somehow Narnia still exists, and Lucy is not only still alive but still a young girl, even though this story is set in the future (I think this could be attributed to me interpreting the series ending quite differently from most people, but still it doesn't make much sense).
In this story, Cecelia is with 3 friends, one of which is Lucy. The other two are called Mary and Emily. A dryad arrives at their door and takes them to Narnia. They find out that Aslan has been captured kwa some people from our world (unrealistic much?) and they watch as his cage is put on the back of a truck and he's taken to a zoo. They go to the zoo, where he's been renamed "Goldie," and meet two young twins there. Aslan then reveals this was all a plan to get the two kids to save Narnia, and transports them all back there. This makes it slightly zaidi realistic but it was still a stupid idea.
One day, Cecelia was hanging out in her room with Mary, Emily and Lucy. They were talking about Narnia. Suddenly, Cecelia's dad came in!
"There's someone standing at the door waiting for you!" alisema her dad. "She looks Narnian!"
"Narnian?" alisema Cecelia. "Come on, girls!" she alisema as she got up off her bed. She knew that a Narnian adventure was about to begin!
If referring to your Marafiki as "girls," isn't cringey, I don't know what is...
"Well, that explains the new lion that's coming to the zoo," alisema Emily. "They have too many lions already."
"If they have too many lions," alisema Cecelia. "Why did they go to Narnia to look for more?"
"A zoo," mumbled the dryad. "Too many lions..."
Okay, "too many lions" is actually hilarious, but it's really not great writing.
Aslan woke up, but none of the other lions stirred, even when Aslan started pacing around the cage roaring loudly. One of his roars was not actually a roar, but the word Narnia.
"Narnia!" alisema the boy. "That's the book we read!"
"Yes!" alisema the girl. "Goldie's roar sounded so much like the word Narnia!"
Lucy came up to him. "He's not Goldie, he's Aslan," she said.
The twins unlocked the big dhahabu door on the cage, and ran in, shouting: "Aslan, Aslan, Aslan, Aslan, Aslan!"
I think the unnecessary repetition of "Aslan" was intended to onyesha that they were childish little kids, but now it just makes me cringe and laugh at the same time. And that's not even mentioning what else is wrong with the passage... for instance, how on Earth did they acquire a key?
4) In Narnia: Avocado Dream
This is kwa far the worst and possibly even the worst thing I've ever written. As the title suggests, it was directly inspired kwa a dream and takes the content of the dream almost wholesale.
I wrote this one in the format of a short play. The main character is called Nurnia, which is an amalgamation of Narnia and my real life name. She's a Narnian who's visiting a town in that world where- get this- they worship an avocado, and believe that alisema avocado created the world! As far as plots go, wewe don't get much worse than that.
Of course, Nurnia argues with these people that, no, the world was created kwa Aslan. They, of course, don't believe her, and for some reason most of them have never heard of lions either. Then it ends in the most ridiculous way imaginable.
If I was going to quote everything cringey, I'd end up quoting the whole thing. So I'll just quote some particularly bad parts:
One thing that particularly gets me is that the first line of the entire play is "Long live Petrilia avocado!" (yes, that's the name), and later it's explained that "she rotted away a thousand years ago!" Contradictory much?
Here's some zaidi direct quotes:
Nurnia: I'm from Narnia. My mum's name is Nur, so she named me after herself and Narnia. What's your name?
Shellymae: Oh, Nurnia girl. My name is Shellymae.
Nurnia: That's a pretty name.
I'm sure wewe agree that the explanation for her name is stupid, and that Shellymae is a moron.
Nurnia: What's all this stuff about an avocado creating the world?
Shellymae: She created it. She isn't still creating it.
Nurnia: I didn't mean that. I know he isn't still creating it.
Shellymae: Petrilia Avocado wasn't a boy! She was a girl!
Nurnia: I'm not talking about the avocado! I'm talking about Aslan!
Shellymae: Aslan Avocado. Sounds nice.
^Awful.
And here's the ridiculous ending, in which they actually switch positions on the matter...
Shellymae: A lion! Wow! You're good at drawing lions!
Nurnia: Yes. It's Aslan!
Shellymae: I admire Aslan. He's that lion that created the world, isn't he?
Nurnia: He created Narnia. He probably did create the rest of the world too.
Pippi: What's all this about? Nurnia, can I see your picture? That lion is made up, isn't he?
Nurnia: No! He's not made up!
Shellymae: Can I come to Narnia with wewe when wewe go back?
Nurnia: Yes. I'm going back today. There's going to be a big feast, and Aslan will come.
Shellymae: Aslan? In Narnia? We have to go to Narnia and meet him! I wanna give him this avocado!
Nurnia: That's a great idea. He loves avocados.
Shellymae: Why?
Nurnia: Because of Petrilia Avocado, of course!
I leave wewe on that ridiculous note.
Prince Caspian
