ETERNAL AGONY (Edward: A Cruel Thing Called Love)
I watched her sleep restlessly. She has been tossing and turning almost all night. I adjusted her bandaged arm and placed it over her stomach. I got up from the kitanda and went to sit on the rocking chair – in order to give her space. Give her space – that’s what I ought to do.
Immediately after I left her side, her hands searched for me.
“No…” she whimpered. Her eyes flew open. Her eyes searched for me in the dark. Panic written all over her face.
I thought she was already deeply asleep. I sighed.
“I’m here.” I said. Her eyes adjusted to the dark and she finally saw me. Relief washed over her face.
“I thought…” She started and then stopped. She shuddered. “What are wewe doing over there?” She asked hoarsely.
“I’m giving wewe space.” I winced at the double meaning of my simple explanation. Would she comprehend the meaning behind the words?
Confusion clouded her chokoleti brown eyes. I couldn’t do this to her, now. I couldn’t do this to her, ever. I couldn’t kubeba the thought of leaving her, hurting her. But I know I SHOULD. If I want to keep her safe, alive.. I MUST.
Her lower lip trembled.
My defenses crumbled…
“You’ve been tossing and turning. I wanted to give wewe zaidi room.” I explained softly.
Again relief washed over her lovely face. She smiled sheepishly.
“Sorry.” She said, then lowered her eyes.
“There’s no need for wewe to apologize, Bella. It is, after all, your bed.” I alisema harshly.
Your bed…Your life…Your Safety.
She lifted shocked eyes to me.
“I only meant…” She stammered.
“I’m sorry.” I said.
“You’re forgiven.” She alisema immediately.
How easy for her to forgive me – for being selfish, for putting her in danger over and over again for being who I am. Could she also forgive me if I do what I’m supposed to do?
“How’s your arm?” I asked her to distract myself from the gloom that’s threatening to engulf me.
“Not hurting.” She murmured. I could easily see through her lie. I decided to let it go. She would see the real art of lying, soon.
Tomorrow, then.
No, not tomorrow.
Indecision crippled me.
I’ll allow myself a couple of weeks. No, a couple of days…a week…even a siku au two – with her. I need to prepare her.
For what?
The truth – something I don’t want to admit, to face - I need to find the will…The strength – to say goodbye..
I kept my face smooth and expressionless as pain hit me, crushed me. The thought of leaving her was unbearable. But I knew I couldn’t risk her life anymore. I knew what I must do. I fought the choking sound that’s trying to escape from my parched throat.
“Go back to sleep.” I told her hoarsely.
“I can’t sleep without wewe beside me. I don’t need zaidi room. I need you.” She alisema almost shyly.
Aaah…this is going to be difficult.
‘Please…” She breathed.
I caught the scent of her breath in the air. I knew this would haunt me when I’m gone.
Oh, why not? Why not spend this entire night holding her? Why not carve this last night with her in my memory?
I got up from the rocking chair and lay beside her.
Remember what is right and what is wrong. I reminded myself. I sighed. I wrapped the quilt around her snugly. I smoothed out her hair – arranged it so it mashabiki around her face, just as I always like it, just like the first time I sneaked inside this very room and watched her sleeping.
Stinging in my eyes? Tears? I touched the corner of my left eye. Of course, there were no tears for me. Tears are for humans…and I am not human.
I wish I could have tears now, so I could have release.
I wish I could be human again so I wouldn’t have to leave her.
I touched her eyelids, her cheek, her nose, her chin, and finally her lips. I memorized every line, every crease, and every curve. I pressed my nose on her throat and inhaled deeply. The moto blazed on my throat. I would have liked the blaze to go on forever – to never stop – as long as that meant she’s with me. I raised her unbandaged arm. I placed her hand on my chest. How I wished my moyo would beat again, just this once, so that she would know how much I upendo her. How much the thought of leaving her, hurting her, kills me.
“What are wewe doing?” She asked sleepily.
“What do wewe think I’m doing?” I wanted to clue her in so that she could…stop me (?) I shook my head then sighed.
“Just thinking how lovely wewe are.” I alisema softly. Again, stinging in my eyes.
I buried my face in her hair. I couldn’t let her see me fall apart. She embraced me. I moaned. I wish to stay this way with her forever.
“You know I upendo you, don’t you?”
I simply nodded. I don’t trust my voice not to break.
Don’t let me go…Don’t believe the lies I will tell you….Forgive me…
I wanted to say them aloud – to be selfish one last time…
“Don’t leave me…” She whispered.
I didn’t answer for I couldn’t promise her that. I knew what I should do…knew what was right.
Instead, I kissed her with all my might, with all the upendo I have inside me. I broke the kiss before it could weaken my already weak defenses.
“Now be a good girl and go back to sleep.” Be a good girl so I could fall apart, I thought sadly.
Finally, sleep came to her. I sat up in kitanda and faced the open window. It was a dark, starless night. An omen to my endless future without her. I cradled my head in my hands.
“Please don’t let the morning come. Don’t let the morning come.” I alisema over and over again as I rock myself back and forth. Of course, there are things I could never stop, I thought as the soft ray of light started peeking through the heavy clouds – now turning grey.
Panic, depression, agony washed through my whole being. I trembled uncontrollably. I went back to memorizing her face. I took her hand carefully and held it with both of my hands.
“Bella, I upendo you. I upendo you.” I alisema over and over again. I finally gave in to sobs. Choking and gasping, I kneeled on the floor kwa her bed, still holding her hands. I kissed her hand, the inside of her wrist, each of her fingers…
The morning finally won. The time for me to leave her is nearing. I pulled myself together and let go of her hand. I sat back on the rocking chair. upendo played a cruel trick on me, I realized. Giving her to me and forcing me to leave her.
The clock’s ticking became louder, ominous – marking the little time I have left with her. Two zaidi days…
Before I say goodbye…Before I succumb to eternal agony.
With that in mind, I carefully arrange my face into a cold hard mask – hiding all the anguish away.
I watched her sleep restlessly. She has been tossing and turning almost all night. I adjusted her bandaged arm and placed it over her stomach. I got up from the kitanda and went to sit on the rocking chair – in order to give her space. Give her space – that’s what I ought to do.
Immediately after I left her side, her hands searched for me.
“No…” she whimpered. Her eyes flew open. Her eyes searched for me in the dark. Panic written all over her face.
I thought she was already deeply asleep. I sighed.
“I’m here.” I said. Her eyes adjusted to the dark and she finally saw me. Relief washed over her face.
“I thought…” She started and then stopped. She shuddered. “What are wewe doing over there?” She asked hoarsely.
“I’m giving wewe space.” I winced at the double meaning of my simple explanation. Would she comprehend the meaning behind the words?
Confusion clouded her chokoleti brown eyes. I couldn’t do this to her, now. I couldn’t do this to her, ever. I couldn’t kubeba the thought of leaving her, hurting her. But I know I SHOULD. If I want to keep her safe, alive.. I MUST.
Her lower lip trembled.
My defenses crumbled…
“You’ve been tossing and turning. I wanted to give wewe zaidi room.” I explained softly.
Again relief washed over her lovely face. She smiled sheepishly.
“Sorry.” She said, then lowered her eyes.
“There’s no need for wewe to apologize, Bella. It is, after all, your bed.” I alisema harshly.
Your bed…Your life…Your Safety.
She lifted shocked eyes to me.
“I only meant…” She stammered.
“I’m sorry.” I said.
“You’re forgiven.” She alisema immediately.
How easy for her to forgive me – for being selfish, for putting her in danger over and over again for being who I am. Could she also forgive me if I do what I’m supposed to do?
“How’s your arm?” I asked her to distract myself from the gloom that’s threatening to engulf me.
“Not hurting.” She murmured. I could easily see through her lie. I decided to let it go. She would see the real art of lying, soon.
Tomorrow, then.
No, not tomorrow.
Indecision crippled me.
I’ll allow myself a couple of weeks. No, a couple of days…a week…even a siku au two – with her. I need to prepare her.
For what?
The truth – something I don’t want to admit, to face - I need to find the will…The strength – to say goodbye..
I kept my face smooth and expressionless as pain hit me, crushed me. The thought of leaving her was unbearable. But I knew I couldn’t risk her life anymore. I knew what I must do. I fought the choking sound that’s trying to escape from my parched throat.
“Go back to sleep.” I told her hoarsely.
“I can’t sleep without wewe beside me. I don’t need zaidi room. I need you.” She alisema almost shyly.
Aaah…this is going to be difficult.
‘Please…” She breathed.
I caught the scent of her breath in the air. I knew this would haunt me when I’m gone.
Oh, why not? Why not spend this entire night holding her? Why not carve this last night with her in my memory?
I got up from the rocking chair and lay beside her.
Remember what is right and what is wrong. I reminded myself. I sighed. I wrapped the quilt around her snugly. I smoothed out her hair – arranged it so it mashabiki around her face, just as I always like it, just like the first time I sneaked inside this very room and watched her sleeping.
Stinging in my eyes? Tears? I touched the corner of my left eye. Of course, there were no tears for me. Tears are for humans…and I am not human.
I wish I could have tears now, so I could have release.
I wish I could be human again so I wouldn’t have to leave her.
I touched her eyelids, her cheek, her nose, her chin, and finally her lips. I memorized every line, every crease, and every curve. I pressed my nose on her throat and inhaled deeply. The moto blazed on my throat. I would have liked the blaze to go on forever – to never stop – as long as that meant she’s with me. I raised her unbandaged arm. I placed her hand on my chest. How I wished my moyo would beat again, just this once, so that she would know how much I upendo her. How much the thought of leaving her, hurting her, kills me.
“What are wewe doing?” She asked sleepily.
“What do wewe think I’m doing?” I wanted to clue her in so that she could…stop me (?) I shook my head then sighed.
“Just thinking how lovely wewe are.” I alisema softly. Again, stinging in my eyes.
I buried my face in her hair. I couldn’t let her see me fall apart. She embraced me. I moaned. I wish to stay this way with her forever.
“You know I upendo you, don’t you?”
I simply nodded. I don’t trust my voice not to break.
Don’t let me go…Don’t believe the lies I will tell you….Forgive me…
I wanted to say them aloud – to be selfish one last time…
“Don’t leave me…” She whispered.
I didn’t answer for I couldn’t promise her that. I knew what I should do…knew what was right.
Instead, I kissed her with all my might, with all the upendo I have inside me. I broke the kiss before it could weaken my already weak defenses.
“Now be a good girl and go back to sleep.” Be a good girl so I could fall apart, I thought sadly.
Finally, sleep came to her. I sat up in kitanda and faced the open window. It was a dark, starless night. An omen to my endless future without her. I cradled my head in my hands.
“Please don’t let the morning come. Don’t let the morning come.” I alisema over and over again as I rock myself back and forth. Of course, there are things I could never stop, I thought as the soft ray of light started peeking through the heavy clouds – now turning grey.
Panic, depression, agony washed through my whole being. I trembled uncontrollably. I went back to memorizing her face. I took her hand carefully and held it with both of my hands.
“Bella, I upendo you. I upendo you.” I alisema over and over again. I finally gave in to sobs. Choking and gasping, I kneeled on the floor kwa her bed, still holding her hands. I kissed her hand, the inside of her wrist, each of her fingers…
The morning finally won. The time for me to leave her is nearing. I pulled myself together and let go of her hand. I sat back on the rocking chair. upendo played a cruel trick on me, I realized. Giving her to me and forcing me to leave her.
The clock’s ticking became louder, ominous – marking the little time I have left with her. Two zaidi days…
Before I say goodbye…Before I succumb to eternal agony.
With that in mind, I carefully arrange my face into a cold hard mask – hiding all the anguish away.
