I let myself fall into a deep sleep, trying to block out the pain. Although the intensity had reduced, just as before all the picha of that night I changed came rushing back like a tap in my mind had been turned on. They were now accompanied kwa the picha of my grandmother and the feeling of complete guilt. If I had just acted like a grown up, took some responsibility for what was happening it could have been very different now.
I wake up with tears in my eyes. I sit bolt up ignoring the pain ripping through my body. Although most things about me had changed, that is the one thing that remained the same, my ability to feel pain. I looked around the room, searching for Sam, hoping he would be there to comfort me but instead there was no-one. I was alone and afraid, like a child who had woken from a nightmare. I tried to call out to him but something stopped my voice escaping. I tried to get off the kitanda and turn the light on but I fell to the floor, my legs giving up on me. I try to pull myself to the door and escape from the room where my nightmares caught up with me.
“Lexy, what are wewe doing? Don’t move, you’ll hurt yourself more” Sam rushed over to me and helped me back onto the bed.
“ I can’t stay here, I have to go somewhere, somewhere I can forget about this……” I couldn’t finish my sentence. A huge wave of despair rips through me like an axe through wood. I try to speak, to tell Sam how I felt. I pull him close to me as all I could utter was a faint whisper.
“I need………to get …………..as far………as far from……….this ……….place………as possible!”
He pulls his head away as though I had just told him I hated him. His eyes filled with sadness and despair, tears flowing down his thin face. I looked across at the window not daring to meet his eye. He touched my face, making me turn to face him.
“Lexy, wewe are just upset. You’ll feel different when it has all settled.” he spoke shaking his head as if to comfort a Lost puppy who had come nyumbani wounded.
“I……I”
He put his finger to my mouth, then brushed my cheek lightly.
“Lex, I always thought of wewe as my sister, I would do anything to change what has happened, to wipe your memories clean of those images. I would walk through the deepest layers of hell to make this better for you. wewe just have to let me in, let me know what I can do. I think, I think I upendo you. I have known it for a while now. Whenever my mum au dad told me about you, what your grandmother had told them I felt, warm and fuzzy. Like there was a swarm of butterfly, kipepeo whooshing round in my stomach. I would smile like a Cheshire cat when your name was mentioned. I’m sorry, this isn’t the best time to tell wewe all this but I just can’t see wewe ready to up and leave everything wewe have behind. I want to help wewe regain some degree of normality, just let me in, Lex”
He carried on trying to convince me to reconsider, telling me how impractical it would be for me to songesha with no income au any place to go. I try to block his words out, to let my mind be clear of all thoughts. Never in my life had it been so filled with so much depressing au despairing energy.
The door opens, tall, thin woman enters. Her brown eyes the same shade as Sam’s. Her mouse-brown hair bulled back into a high gppony, pony tail. Her round eyes filled with concern as she brings a try with chai and biscuits on and places it on the dressing meza, jedwali on the far wall.
“ I thought wewe might need something to eat and drink, Sammy will wewe help her”
“sure mum, I just, I just need a minute. I’m nipping to the loo”
She could tell that he had been crying, her sympathetic eyes followed him as he left the room.
“ Little Alex, all grown up, wewe should stay with us for a while till something zaidi permanent is arranged. How’s your head?” she speaks in a hushed tone, resting a hand on my legs. I had all but forgotten about my blood matted hair and the wound beneath.
“It’s much better, I can barely feel it” I alisema in a zaidi normal sounding voice.
“ Well it might be best to get it checked over at the hospital. I can take wewe now au whenever wewe feel up to it. Oh sweetheart I am so sorry about Mary, I know how close wewe and her were since……………..” She left her sentence unfinished, a commonality surrounding this room.
“I know, I wish they were here, they would know exactly what to do. Thank wewe for all your kind thoughts but I would rather go to a hotel au something, do wewe have somewhere I could wash my hair and get some new clothes?”
“Alex, wewe need to be around someone to take care of you. I know it has been a huge shock to the system and wewe have been through a lot in your short life but running away is not the answer. wewe have to face it all head on. Maybe not tomorrow au the inayofuata siku but it must be done, wewe are a smart grown up young lady, I know wewe will do what is right.”
It is taking all my restraint not to tell her to shut up, that she doesn’t know what she is talking about. It is even harder to resist the smell of her blood, lingering like a perfume.
“I need the bathroom, could wewe help me get there please?” I asked wanted to leave the room, get my grandmothers blood washed off my hands and face. To get the matted mess out of my hair and to run as far from this place as I could.
“ Okay sweetheart, Paul brought over a bag of things from your house, I’ll just go get it for wewe then I will take wewe to the bathroom where wewe can have a wash and freshen up a bit.” she leaves the room keeping her eyes fixed on me like I was a naughty child still up after bedtime.
“thanks” I mutter willing her to leave so I didn’t have the chance to pounce on her and drink her blood.
Sam returns soon after she leaves his eyes puffy and red, a definite sign he had been crying.
“I’m sorry about all those things I alisema before, I wasn’t thinking straight, I just wanted wewe to stop saying those things, to stop wewe from trying to run. Alexandria I just want wewe to stay here. With , me, us, my parents”
The moment he called me kwa my full name, I began to cry, trying to make as little noise as possible. The realisation of what had had happened hit me. I thought back to the last thing I had alisema to her. I knew then the last thing I alisema to my grandmother was a lie. I could never forgive myself for not confiding in her, sharing my problems and letting her help me feel okay about it.
I had to leave. I had to leave tonight au I would never be able to get away.