Emmett's Comedy

Chapter One

It was the very first siku of school in the small town of Forks, Washington. A pretty boring town if wewe ask me. Low crime rate, high optimism rate. Like I said- pretty darn boring!! Rose took the usual twenty hours to choose what outfit she wanted to wear. I was so close to just chucking her out the window, burning all of her clothes and making her go in a make-shift toga make out of a kitanda sheet. But I am too nice to do that. (Though, doing that would add a lot of fun to this boring town!! Forks would have their first albino Greek Goddess!)

So it was upstairs with Rose where I was when I heard Alice and Edward talking downstairs. I couldn't make out their conversation. I was sure it was something about the dead ducks hanging from the roof in Carlilse's car that I had left in there. At least, they all sounded pretty mad about something. I would have thought that Carlilse would have been in on the discussion if they were on the topic of ducks though, so I figured it would be pointless to try and listen in on the conversation. I heard Alice run past my room to hers and figured she was done arguing with Edward over dead ducks, au whatever it was they were arguing about.

Eventually Rose got done with her beauty routine and I swept her off her feet and carried her downstairs. "You sicken me," Edward laughed at me.

I smiled and kissed Rose, "Aw! Don't be that way!" I laughed.

He got this really weird sickened look on his face. I wondered if he had drunk some spoiled milk. au maybe he had smelled Rosalie's perfume..... That would give me that face if I wasn't so used to it. "Just..... Keep your thoughts to yourself."

I looked at Rosalie as she started talking. She usually never inserted her opinion.... Okay. I lied she ALWAYS inserts her two sense. "Don't be such a grump Edward." She rolled her eyes and laughed at him.

"Yeah, seriously!" I chuckled. He just rolled his eyes at me.

A few dakika later Carlilse walked into the room. "Where are Alice and Jasper? wewe all need to get going." Leave it to Carlilse to be the keeper of the time.

Just then Alice and Jasper came downstairs. "Finally!" I exclaimed. "I was worried wewe had gotten Lost in your closet! We were about to leave without you!" I watched as Edward walked outside and revved the Volvo's engine. "C'mon! Edward might leave us all!" I laughed carrying Rose out to the car and putting her in as I followed behind her.

Once everyone was in the car Edward sped off. I was surprised we didn't get a speeding ticket. After all, what do the cops in this town have to do other than check for speeders. Low crime rate equals bored cops. I was just waiting to see the red, white, and blue flashing behind us on a siku other than the Fourth of July.

Once we got to the school, and narrowly missed the nonexistent cops- I was seriously starting to wonder if these cops existed- Edward went to find a spot to park. Alice, always thinking ahead said, "Should we go get our schedules?"

Jasper shrugged, "I would imagine we should. But where do we go?"

I looked around out at the student body. It wasn't even a student body! It was zaidi of a family of kids! I started counting all of the kids I could see outside.... Fifty-three! And none of them were looking in my direction!! "I don't know but this school is full of LOSERS!!" I scoffed, "No one is even LOOKING at me!!!!"

Edward sighed, "That is because wewe aren't out of the car oh smart one,"

Now he was mocking me? After I gave up my good time to come to this crappy school of kids who don't look at smexy bodies? "Right..... Tinted windows. I knew that." I smiled nodding my head as if I really knew.

"The main office?" I heard Alice suggest. Man! Alice was full of majibu to her own questions!!

Rose laughed, "Of course wewe knew that Em," She didn't seem convinced that I knew it.

"I did!!!!" I smiled opening the car door and helping her out.

"Yeah we go to the main office..." Edward muttered. He sure sounded happy about that! NOT!

Everyone got out of the car and we all headed over to the main office in a big throng. I looked around at the students. "They're lookin'.... Excellent!"

"You really want all of those girls hitting on wewe Em?" Edward scoffed. I watched as millions of boys started surrounding Rose. All of the girls looked too scared to approach. "Let's get going." He muttered.

Edward, Alice and Jasper started pushing past the boys. I saw Rose ahead of me thriving in the attention. As I walked past her to follow the others I tripped her and kept walking. I heard her irritated footsteps following me. That was one way to get her away from the attention. "What was that for?" She whispered angrily.

She was such an attention hogger! I wanted some attention!! And if the girls were too embarrassed.... Well there had to be some gay guys in the school.... "Prima Donna! Stop cheatin' on me," I alisema to her, trying to lighten the mood. Rose just punched me in the shoulder and kept walking. Epic fail! Obviously that didn't lighten the mood. "Was that a feather brushing my arm?" I asked trying, vainly to lighten the mood once more. She just kept walking. Tough crowd. Tough crowd. I would get her eventually.....

"Aw! Don't be that way!!" I sighed, trying to get her to stop.

"Thank wewe but I will be that way." She called back to me.

I ran mbele and caught up to her. I needed to apologize to her before she ignored me for the rest of the day. "I'm sorry...." I frowned.

She stopped and turned back to look at me, "Really? If you're sorry why did wewe do it?"

I smiled, time to lighten the mood again, "Never alisema it wasn't true!!"

"What isn't true? And why are wewe uigizaji like a two mwaka old today? Really. It's irritating......." She muttered.

"I'm not. Just trying to make wewe smile. I never alisema it WASN'T true. Your swali should have been what is true. Because what I alisema was true." I smiled slyly.

"Ugh!" She groaned and stalked away. I followed her over to Edward, Jasper, and Alice. Edward had gotten the schedules while Rose and I had been talking.

He handed mine to me and I glanced and mine and then at Rose's, "Sweet! Every class with my babe!" I laughed, "I'll need a doctor's note for P.E.!! Even better....."

"Nice Emmett. I need an excuse for that too. There's no way I'm doing that class in a million years!" Rose smiled. It looked like I was forgiven. I looked at Jasper's schedule. That wasn't good. He didn't have any classes with any of us. I saw Edward, Alice and him discussing it.

I wasn't in the mood to talk about that so I turned back to Rose. "What about after a million years?" She just rolled her eyes at me. "What? Would you? I have to admit it would be fun testing my strengths against the humans. It would be a good practice of self-restraint."

Rose laughed at me, "Of course wewe think that would be fun,"

"So let's do it for today!" I alisema hopefully.

"Alright. Only for today though...." She muttered.

"Excellent! Oh look we all have first period together 'xept Jazz! And it's Physical Education. This should be good." I was really excited for this class.

"Yeah..... Fun," Rose alisema in a bored voice.

"Dodgeball time!" I exclaimed.

"The perfect way to start a morning, in a room full of sweaty humans," she rolled her eyes again and started walking toward the gym. I followed with Edward and Alice.

"Couldn't imagine it any other way!!" I told her.

We all walked into the gym and over to the Coach. "Are wewe all new? I heard we were getting a new doc in town but I didn't think that she would have so many kids!"

I stifled a laugh. Carlilse is now a woman! I loved this guy!!

Edward smiled at him, "Yes we are new. But my father, Carlisle, is the doctor. Alice, Emmett and I were adopted kwa him and his wife, Esme." He gestured to each of us in turn. "Rosalie was also adopted with her twin brother Jasper, who doesn't have this class this period, after their parents died. Esme is their aunt.
"
"Okay. I'm not going to ask wewe to change into your uniforms today, but wewe do need to play." The coach said.

Yes! We get to play, we get to play, we get to play.

Edward nodded, "That is reasonable,"

That was zaidi than reasonable! We get to play, we get to play, we get to play!
We all walked over to the rest of the class except Edward who was still talking to the coach. After a few sekunde he walked back over to us. I looked at him confused. He didn't say anything but was immediately dragged off into the far corner kwa Alice. I wondered what he had told the coach. I was about to find out. I didn't think Alice would keep her voice down so low that Wanyonya damu couldn't hear.

"Did wewe have to say that?! Now it's gong to spread around the school and no one will treat him at all like they should. They always treat 'mental' people differently."
Alice growled.

Was I mental? I hoped not!

"You saw him slipping in this class. wewe lied to him. I wasn't going to let your vision come true. Would wewe rather we moved right now to a new town when we just moved in au have our reputation damaged? We are treated differently anyway. And since when have wewe cared about what people thought of us? All wewe care about is that your boyfriend is treated with respect!!" Edward retorted.

I was Alice's boyfriend?

"I don't want him to lose all of his confidence. That's all I was trying to do kwa that.... Yes I knew he was going to slip, like I alisema anything can change. I'm sorry if wewe can't fathom the fact that I just want him to get used to living like this." she muttered. "What would wewe have done in my situation?"

I'm not going to loose any confidence Miss. Worry Wort!

"I would have told him to go get his damn schedule changed!!!" he snarled.
Why did I need my schedule changed? So that I could have every class with Alice instead of Rose? After all she was my new girlfriend!!

"I tried to get him to!! wewe didn't back me up! wewe could have easily helped me! wewe can't blame me for everything!" She yelled at him. Well it sounded like yelling. I guess it wasn't because none of the humans were looking at us.

"I know a Lost cause when I see one. Regardless I was trying to make sure Emmett didn't do anything to hurt Rosalie's feelings and make her do something drastic, which wewe know she would have done! I can't do everything Alice!" he sighed.
Oh! They were talking about Jasper! DUH!

"Well I'm sorry then." She growled and walked back over to us and the rest of the class. Edward walked back over after her.

"So apparently I'm incapable of controlling myself?" Rosalie hissed.

So everyone had understood the conversation the whole time but me?

"When wewe get mad I never know what wewe are going to do. wewe have a reputation. But let's not talk here..." Edward lowered his voice, "Too many ears."

I laughed and turned to size up my opponents. "Who's ready for some dodgeball?!"

One of the boys looked at me like I was crazy, "Cullen is it?" He smiled, "We're playing baseball."

"Even better!" I smiled and turned to whisper to Edward, "Why didn't wewe tell me it is baseball?!"

He growled at me, "Am I your personal news broadcaster Emmett?!"

The coach then walked over to us and blew his whistle. I want one of those..... I could call everyone to order with it! And it looked shiny.... "Okay kids! We need two team captains! Any nominations?" he called out.

"Edward!! Nominate me!" I whispered.

"Hell no! Tell your 'babe' to do it!" he whispered back.

"Rose? Nominate me!" I whispered.

She rolled her eyes at me and whispered back, "Fine." Then she spoke louder, "I nominate Emmett...."

"YES!" I whooped, "I nominate Rose!!"

"Emmett and er.... Rofalee wewe are team captains!" Coach slaughtered her name.
"Of course!" Rosalie smiled sourly as she whispered to me, "It's always been my dream to be the team captain a team of high school students!" She alisema sarcastically.

I ran to the front and called out "Edward!"

She walked up to the front and alisema out loud, "It's Rosalie. I pick.... Alice."

It went on like that for some time until we had all of the teams divvied up. Everyone except me looked less than thrilled to be participating in this game who was on my team. I decided a pep-talk was in order. All of us walked outside and were standing in the outfield. I gathered them around me and began my speech. It went something like this:

‘Okay team! I know we are less than thrilled to be in P.E. for our first period of the day. Heck! It's even worse to be in this freezing cold temperature playing baseball. au that all of us are half asleep! But the one way we are gonna get warm is to onyesha that other team of wimps who's boss! And who REALLY knows how to play baseball!! I don't think it is coincidental that the whole team over there is made up of girls! So are we gonna onyesha these girls who is boss au what!?'

I got a pretty enthusiastic response. At least...we won the game.



After the game Edward, Rose, Alice and I walked out into the hall.

"Em, your pep-talk was priceless." Edward laughed.

"I know!" I grinned and looked at Rose, "Great game babe!"

She smiled half-heartedly, "Thanks. wewe too, but really what was the deal with that pep-talk? Where did that come from anyway??"

I watched as Alice and Edward started walking to their inayofuata class which they had together. "My team looked like a bunch of humans tired from sleep deprivation so I needed to put some life into them."

She laughed, "Well, good job anyway. What do we have now?"

I looked down at the schedule and groaned, "Aw! We have English!!"

"What's wrong with English?" She asked confused.

"It gives my head a reason to ache!!!" I sighed.

"Sure it does Em," she smiled as we walked to our inayofuata class together.

We walked into the classroom and walked up to the English teacher. He was a big old fat guy! Man!! He really needed to hit the gym au somethin'! Maybe he should just hit the road jack, and not come back no more, no more, no more, no more..... I smiled as a thought came into my head. It would be funny if I could catch him as he was on some flight of stairs (if this school even had any flights of stairs) and accidentally push him down them. He would look like a pumpkin, boga rolling down a hill! And he would never know what hit him!!

I looked down at my schedule to see what the teacher's name was. Mr. Smeltings. Well that was ironic! He probably smelled like rotten eggs to the humans!! I sniffed the air. His blood smelled like burning fat. Well that was one way to ward off vampires.... What did he do? Go to McDonald's on weekends and holidays and all throughout May? I had heard that saying before somewhere, but I couldn't remember where it was from.... I thought he was supposed to be a teacher? Not a science experiment!

I could hardly keep a straight face, so Rose did the talking, "Hi Mr..... Smeltings." Mr. Smellthings. I wondered if he could smell with that small nose. "We are new."
"Hi!" WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! That was the freakiest squeaky voice I had ever heard!!! What was he an elf? He sounded like he was imba the highest note a soprano could sing without killing someone. I looked around to see if any glasses were breaking. Nope, none so far. I looked around for some glass remnants. Nope. None. Dang! He was good at hiding evidence! "You can both sit right here in the front. Right inayofuata to my desk." Oh joy. We get to sit kwa the pumpkin's desk!

We both walked over to our seats and sat down. Right as we did this the kengele rang and everyone took their seats. He walked to the front of the room and started teaching about conjunctions. Automatically the "Conjunction Junction" song popped into me head. I started humming it. He was droning on and on about something to do with a noun and a verb meeting each other. I sighed. This class was going to be boring if all he did was talk about words meeting each other.

I started daydreaming about Mr. pumpkin, boga imba the "Conjunction Junction" song in his elf voice. I raised my hand. "Yes Mr..... Cullen?"

"I think that the rest of the class would understand this concept zaidi easily if wewe sang it to them." I grinned.

"There are no songs about conjunctions Mr. Cullen." He sighed.

"Haven't wewe ever seen "School House Rock"?" I asked.

"That is irrelevant to the subject Mr. Cullen." He rolled his eyes.

"No! The "Conjunction Junction" song is in "School House Rock"." This is very relevant to the subject Mr. Elf Voice.

"No, I will not sing the "Conjunction Junction" song Mr. Cullen."

"Not in a million years?"

"No!"

"Not in a billion years?"

"Mr. Cullen? Do wewe want a detention?" He glared.

"If I do a cartwheel for wewe will wewe sing it?" I begged.

"Mr. Cullen," he warned.

"Could I still do the cartwheel then?"

"Will wewe be quiet and listen to the lesson if I let wewe Mr. Cullen?" he rolled his eyes.

"Yes," Yes Mr. Glass Breaker.

"Fine do it, Mr Cullen." he sighed.

I jumped up and stood in front of the class and did a cartwheel. No one clapped. I was so disappointed. I sat down with sadder spirits then when I stood up. I sat and listened to Mr. I-Hide-Evidence-Of-Me-Breaking-Glasses for the rest of the period and daydreamed about him imba the "Conjunction Junction" song in his elf voice.
Our inayofuata class was Human Biology. We walked up to the teacher and told her we were new. She Rose in the back of the classroom and me in the front. She started kwa asking if anyone knew where the jugular was. My hand shot up. She looked over at me and called on me. I walked up to the front of the room and pointed to it on a big poster of the human body. "Very good Mr. Cullen." She praised. I smiled and sat down. I was already teacher's pet. I sat down and listened to the rest of the lesson.
We had two zaidi classes after that where just plain BORE ME TO DEATH!!! Then we went to lunch. We sat down and Alice immediately asked a question. That was SO Alice, "So, how has everyone's siku been?"

Edward shrugged, "The usual staring and thoughts.... Where is Jasper?"

"I don't think he's back yet." Alice said, "But he is on his way."

Rose sighed, "How is a siku when spent with humans?"

"Well..... My siku was so STUPID!!!" I blurted out.

"Why was it stupid Em?" Edward laughed.

"I dunno, no one else alisema their siku was stupid so I thought I would say mine was! Nah, it was so funny. In English I did a cartwheel, and in Human Biology I identified where the jugular is! But my fat English teacher with his squeaky elf voice wouldn't sing the "Conjunction Junction" song!! I'm SURE he had heard of "School House Rock"!! Who HASN'T?!" I sighed.

"That sounds like fun Emmett," Alice grinned giving me a high-five from across the table. "What does everyone have next?"

"AP Biology with Carlson." Edward exclaimed.

"Free period." I smiled.

"You got a free period? I didn't get one!" Edward's jaw dropped and hit the table, figuratively.

"Guess Carlilse thinks wewe have enough self-restraint!" I joked.

"Yeah, and wewe don't have enough!" he retorted.

Just then Jasper walked over. "I'm sorry I'm so late!" He cried out.

"You're fine. What happened to make wewe late though?" Alice asked.

"I had to fix something in one of my classes," he replied.

Alice nodded and looked around the lunchroom. "Now what?" she asked.

"Do wewe think Carlilse knows about the ducks?" I blurted out.

"What ducks?" Jasper asked confused.

"Ducks?" Alice asked.

"I don't know. I think he does Em," Rose smiled.

"Darn it!" I sighed. "Why didn't he say anything then?"

"Great joke Em!" Edward laughed.

"Probably because he is waiting until we get nyumbani to single out exactly who was involved" Rose sighed.

"Well then.... I feel out of the loop. But with Emmett who really is in the loop?"

"That wasn't nice Alice!" I grinned.

"Well at least we aren't attracting much attention," Alice reported.

Just then the kengele rang and everyone just sat there looking at each other. I smiled at Alice, "About not attracting much attention...."

"You didn't," Edward glared.

"Oh he did. Believe me....." Rose butted in.

Alice glanced at Edward, "And wewe say it's going to be my fault if we move!"

Edward sighed, "It's a tie between you, Jasper and Emmett. Rose is also in the running with her attention problem."

I grinned. Tell Mr. There-Is-No-Song-About-Conjunctions to look at me now!
"Don't wewe all need to be getting to class?" Rose asked.

Alice growled at Edward, "Will wewe stop that?!" She looked kind of like a hot tamale. Well, her eyes did at least.

Edward frowned, "What did I do?" Of course Edward was going to act all innocent. He was the perfect one in the family!!

I sighed and wondered what Rose and I would do for our free period. We could go home, but Carlilse was there, and I was bound to get an intervention about his car.


I'm thinking about uandishi it in Alice's perspective. What do wewe guys think?