1915, June 06
The cell was cold, but I didn't feel it. The only thing I felt was numbness. Officers who sometimes come to look at me always have the same anger in their eyes though I don't care. But even in this depression visions don't leave me alone. I closed my eyes trying to imagine something so it would fade away...
It was a spacious and dark room. The only chanzo of light was a fireplace and a man was standing in front of it, I could see only his back. It was quiet when suddenly someone knocked on the door.
- Excuse me, mister Rowenson, but wewe have guests,- the man turned around and I recognized Arthur's father. Why am I having the vision about him? Do my feelings for Arthur mean that I was connected to people who were close to him?
- Who?,- his tone was cold
- It is police chief mister Smith and...,- servant seemed to waver - And Mrs. Brandon,- my mom? What is she doing there?
- Lead them here,- He didn't looked very surprised. After several dakika Mr. Smith and my mom came in. She looked very determined.
- Mister Rowenson, I'm very sorry to interrupt wewe at this difficult moment but...,- Mr. Smith tried to apologize but mom didn't let him finish.
- Release my daughter,- her tone was demanding.
- Please, Mrs. Brandon, if wewe would be so kind and...,- Mrs. Smith words was cut again.
- No, Richard, let her speak,- old Rowenson seemed determined too.- Go on, Olivia,- why he called her kwa name?
- Mister Rowenson, I know it is hard for wewe and I am very sorry for your loss, but please try to understand me. My daughter is innocent, she has mental problems but she would never do such thing to anyone, especially to her friend. I know that it's police chief right to release her, but I'm not that stupid to think he would do such thing without discussing it first with you, so please, I'm begging wewe to think about poor girl being in jail though she hadn't done anything,- her speech was passionate, her tone was firm. I could feel tears in my eyes. A part of me was so happy that I have someone fighting for me, I wish I could tell her now how much I upendo her.
- Olivia,- old man's voice was gentle and he gently took my mother's hand, but there was something in his appearance that didn't let me trust him. - Olivia, I've just Lost my only son. Do wewe think I want wewe losing your child too?,- I could see gratitude in my mother's face, but I knew there was something wrong.
- Thank wewe so much, I will always be grateful...,- I guess it was my mom's turn to be interrupted.
- But there is something else, Olivia. wewe see, I have only two explanations for your girl's words. One is that she was involved in those terrible people' plans, which I hardly doubt cause I know how much Arthur was fond of Mary Alice. And another is that she is really sick and that means she needs an appropriate treatment,- I knew that I couldn't trust him and I wanted to scream to mom "Don't believe any word he is saying".
- wewe want...- her voice broke off. - wewe want to put her in asylum?- my mom looked scared kwa this thought.
- It's only for her sake. She will be much safer there and, who knows, maybe doctors will even treat her?- my mother didn't looked convinced, so he took her hand again.
- Olivia,- he looked directly in her eyes.- Olivia, I swear that I will find her the best mental hospital I can. I promise that I will do everything to help her for my son's memory but it's your choice to decide what is best for your child.
- Thank you,- and my mother started crying.
1915, June 10
I was right about old Rowenson. He was lying. The asylum he found for me was close to Biloxi and it wasn't a good place. It was hell on earth and Mister Charles Rowenson paid to make it even zaidi terrible than it already was for me.
Man in charge for asylum was Dr. Graham Kensley, he wasn't either good doctor either good man and he liked spending his time away from hospital so he left another person to look after patients and staff - Mary Sherman. She called herself a nurse though I think she was far away from being a nurse. She knew only one way to communicate with patients and it was her fists. Mary, who I kept calling Hell-hound in my mind, was a large person and she had so much strength that could beat even a strong man not to mention weak and mentally ill people here in asylum. And now this Hell-hound was paid to torture me in every way she could think of.
1915 September 15
Sometimes I wonder how is it possible that I'm still alive? Three long months of getting to know how everything works here. It is quite simple, just every time wewe see someone of the staff wewe try to find a corner as far as possible. If wewe don't succeed and all the corners are full of people, wewe try not to draw any attention. If wewe don't succeed again, then try to be as quiet as wewe can while wewe are being beaten and then when he au she finally walks away wewe can try to stand up. But this order doesn't fit for Hell-hound. She can find me in every corner and it doesn't matter for her whether I am quiet au conscious au even alive.
Sometimes old Rowenson visits me. He wasn't capable of finding real murders so I became his scapegoat. He likes to laugh at me and tell me stories how stupid my parents are to believe that I'm in a nice and salama place. He even writes fake letters to them under my name! I start hating him zaidi every day.
Two weeks zamani he told something about my hair to Hell-hound so she cut them off. I wanted to cry because I always liked my long silky black hair but I didn't. Not in front of her. I guess it's stupid to cry over your spiky and messy and short hair when wewe are in asylum.
There is something that makes me feel even zaidi worried than all these people wanting me hurt. Every siku I feel zaidi and zaidi empty inside, I feel like I'm losing myself, like I have shattered into million pieces and I couldn't them put together. I feel numbness growing inside of me and I don't know if I will ever feel like normal human again. I just wish I could laugh one zaidi time in my life.
1916, August 12
It's been zaidi than a mwaka since I've been brought here. I've changed a lot and I don't know if it's good au bad. From one point of view I became stronger - I stopped crying au whining, I can kubeba any torment they are giving to me. From other point I Lost my emotions. I don't feel anything - no sadness, no pain, no worries, nothing. I feel like I've been existing but not living a life. Sometimes I still have visions but it stopped bothering me either. Even Hell-hound is disappointed that I am so indifferent to everything.
I was lying on a floor when I had a vision. It's been a long time since it really affected me but this vision was different. A dark figure in the forest was somehow very important to me, yet I just don't why. I had this vision for a several days until one night I recognized the place where the person in the vazi, pazia was. It was my asylum.
inayofuata night I heard the footsteps towards my ward and I knew that it was someone I've seen in a vision yesterday. When the door opened I looked under the kofia and recognized the face.
- Cynthia! - I couldn't believe that my sister was here. What was she doing? I remember her hating me for embarrassing our family and later I was even accused of a murder so her her feeling shouldn't be very warm about me.
- Mary Alice!,- she hugged my tightly,- Oh no, wewe look terrible! I can't believe that bastard lied to us for so long!
- Wait, what are wewe doing here? Does mom knows about wewe being here?
- It doesn't matter now, she could be angry with me as much as she wants later, but right now we have zaidi important things to do.
- What things? And wewe hadn't answered my question, why wewe are here?
- Few days zamani I was with Agnes, do wewe remember her?,- I nodded,- Well, I was at her house when Mr. Rowenson came to visit her father, he didn't notice me being in the jikoni and he started talking about you. Mary Alice... Was he right? Did he really ordered to do all those terrible things to you?
- That doesn't matter now,- I couldn't meet her eyes.
- That matters to me!
-Why? I thought wewe didn't think of me as a sister anymore
- Oh, Mary Alice... I was a little and stupid girl who saw her adorable sister losing everything she loved so much. I simply couldn't understand wewe so I chose the easiest way to ignore you. But listen to me, Mary, I will never stop loving you. wewe will always be my sister, no matter what,- I could feel tears in my eyes, but zaidi important I could feel my emotions coming back.
- I missed you.
- I missed wewe too,- but suddenly this perfect moment was cut kwa another vision.
- Oh no, Cynthia, wewe have to run.
- Why? I'm not leaving wewe here. It's a horrible place.
- Listen to me, Hell-hound, I mean a nurse is coming here. If she finds wewe here, she can do something terrible.
- I'm not leaving wewe here,- she was persistent and that was bad, especially now when I could hear Hell-hound's footsteps.
- Please, Cynthia, for me. wewe can return later and bring our parents with you.
- I'm not sure, Mary...
- Please, I beg you.
- Fine, but I'm definitely coming back soon.
- All right, but right now... - I started pushing her towards the door when Hell-hound suddenly came in.
- Look what we have here!- she smiled, but another short vision told me what she is planing to do.
- Don't wewe dear to lay even a finger on her! - I stood up in front of Cynthia.
- So Ice Queen do have soft spot. Let's see how soft it is,- and she tried to reach for Cynthia. I jumped on her but she threw me away and while I was lying on the floor she pulled Cynthia out of the ward.
- No!,- I ran to the door but it shut just in front of my face.
- No! Leave her alone!,- but my screams didn't help.
I sat on the floor with tears running down my cheeks. And I heard the most terrible sound. I heard my little sister screaming.
Not the end
The cell was cold, but I didn't feel it. The only thing I felt was numbness. Officers who sometimes come to look at me always have the same anger in their eyes though I don't care. But even in this depression visions don't leave me alone. I closed my eyes trying to imagine something so it would fade away...
It was a spacious and dark room. The only chanzo of light was a fireplace and a man was standing in front of it, I could see only his back. It was quiet when suddenly someone knocked on the door.
- Excuse me, mister Rowenson, but wewe have guests,- the man turned around and I recognized Arthur's father. Why am I having the vision about him? Do my feelings for Arthur mean that I was connected to people who were close to him?
- Who?,- his tone was cold
- It is police chief mister Smith and...,- servant seemed to waver - And Mrs. Brandon,- my mom? What is she doing there?
- Lead them here,- He didn't looked very surprised. After several dakika Mr. Smith and my mom came in. She looked very determined.
- Mister Rowenson, I'm very sorry to interrupt wewe at this difficult moment but...,- Mr. Smith tried to apologize but mom didn't let him finish.
- Release my daughter,- her tone was demanding.
- Please, Mrs. Brandon, if wewe would be so kind and...,- Mrs. Smith words was cut again.
- No, Richard, let her speak,- old Rowenson seemed determined too.- Go on, Olivia,- why he called her kwa name?
- Mister Rowenson, I know it is hard for wewe and I am very sorry for your loss, but please try to understand me. My daughter is innocent, she has mental problems but she would never do such thing to anyone, especially to her friend. I know that it's police chief right to release her, but I'm not that stupid to think he would do such thing without discussing it first with you, so please, I'm begging wewe to think about poor girl being in jail though she hadn't done anything,- her speech was passionate, her tone was firm. I could feel tears in my eyes. A part of me was so happy that I have someone fighting for me, I wish I could tell her now how much I upendo her.
- Olivia,- old man's voice was gentle and he gently took my mother's hand, but there was something in his appearance that didn't let me trust him. - Olivia, I've just Lost my only son. Do wewe think I want wewe losing your child too?,- I could see gratitude in my mother's face, but I knew there was something wrong.
- Thank wewe so much, I will always be grateful...,- I guess it was my mom's turn to be interrupted.
- But there is something else, Olivia. wewe see, I have only two explanations for your girl's words. One is that she was involved in those terrible people' plans, which I hardly doubt cause I know how much Arthur was fond of Mary Alice. And another is that she is really sick and that means she needs an appropriate treatment,- I knew that I couldn't trust him and I wanted to scream to mom "Don't believe any word he is saying".
- wewe want...- her voice broke off. - wewe want to put her in asylum?- my mom looked scared kwa this thought.
- It's only for her sake. She will be much safer there and, who knows, maybe doctors will even treat her?- my mother didn't looked convinced, so he took her hand again.
- Olivia,- he looked directly in her eyes.- Olivia, I swear that I will find her the best mental hospital I can. I promise that I will do everything to help her for my son's memory but it's your choice to decide what is best for your child.
- Thank you,- and my mother started crying.
1915, June 10
I was right about old Rowenson. He was lying. The asylum he found for me was close to Biloxi and it wasn't a good place. It was hell on earth and Mister Charles Rowenson paid to make it even zaidi terrible than it already was for me.
Man in charge for asylum was Dr. Graham Kensley, he wasn't either good doctor either good man and he liked spending his time away from hospital so he left another person to look after patients and staff - Mary Sherman. She called herself a nurse though I think she was far away from being a nurse. She knew only one way to communicate with patients and it was her fists. Mary, who I kept calling Hell-hound in my mind, was a large person and she had so much strength that could beat even a strong man not to mention weak and mentally ill people here in asylum. And now this Hell-hound was paid to torture me in every way she could think of.
1915 September 15
Sometimes I wonder how is it possible that I'm still alive? Three long months of getting to know how everything works here. It is quite simple, just every time wewe see someone of the staff wewe try to find a corner as far as possible. If wewe don't succeed and all the corners are full of people, wewe try not to draw any attention. If wewe don't succeed again, then try to be as quiet as wewe can while wewe are being beaten and then when he au she finally walks away wewe can try to stand up. But this order doesn't fit for Hell-hound. She can find me in every corner and it doesn't matter for her whether I am quiet au conscious au even alive.
Sometimes old Rowenson visits me. He wasn't capable of finding real murders so I became his scapegoat. He likes to laugh at me and tell me stories how stupid my parents are to believe that I'm in a nice and salama place. He even writes fake letters to them under my name! I start hating him zaidi every day.
Two weeks zamani he told something about my hair to Hell-hound so she cut them off. I wanted to cry because I always liked my long silky black hair but I didn't. Not in front of her. I guess it's stupid to cry over your spiky and messy and short hair when wewe are in asylum.
There is something that makes me feel even zaidi worried than all these people wanting me hurt. Every siku I feel zaidi and zaidi empty inside, I feel like I'm losing myself, like I have shattered into million pieces and I couldn't them put together. I feel numbness growing inside of me and I don't know if I will ever feel like normal human again. I just wish I could laugh one zaidi time in my life.
1916, August 12
It's been zaidi than a mwaka since I've been brought here. I've changed a lot and I don't know if it's good au bad. From one point of view I became stronger - I stopped crying au whining, I can kubeba any torment they are giving to me. From other point I Lost my emotions. I don't feel anything - no sadness, no pain, no worries, nothing. I feel like I've been existing but not living a life. Sometimes I still have visions but it stopped bothering me either. Even Hell-hound is disappointed that I am so indifferent to everything.
I was lying on a floor when I had a vision. It's been a long time since it really affected me but this vision was different. A dark figure in the forest was somehow very important to me, yet I just don't why. I had this vision for a several days until one night I recognized the place where the person in the vazi, pazia was. It was my asylum.
inayofuata night I heard the footsteps towards my ward and I knew that it was someone I've seen in a vision yesterday. When the door opened I looked under the kofia and recognized the face.
- Cynthia! - I couldn't believe that my sister was here. What was she doing? I remember her hating me for embarrassing our family and later I was even accused of a murder so her her feeling shouldn't be very warm about me.
- Mary Alice!,- she hugged my tightly,- Oh no, wewe look terrible! I can't believe that bastard lied to us for so long!
- Wait, what are wewe doing here? Does mom knows about wewe being here?
- It doesn't matter now, she could be angry with me as much as she wants later, but right now we have zaidi important things to do.
- What things? And wewe hadn't answered my question, why wewe are here?
- Few days zamani I was with Agnes, do wewe remember her?,- I nodded,- Well, I was at her house when Mr. Rowenson came to visit her father, he didn't notice me being in the jikoni and he started talking about you. Mary Alice... Was he right? Did he really ordered to do all those terrible things to you?
- That doesn't matter now,- I couldn't meet her eyes.
- That matters to me!
-Why? I thought wewe didn't think of me as a sister anymore
- Oh, Mary Alice... I was a little and stupid girl who saw her adorable sister losing everything she loved so much. I simply couldn't understand wewe so I chose the easiest way to ignore you. But listen to me, Mary, I will never stop loving you. wewe will always be my sister, no matter what,- I could feel tears in my eyes, but zaidi important I could feel my emotions coming back.
- I missed you.
- I missed wewe too,- but suddenly this perfect moment was cut kwa another vision.
- Oh no, Cynthia, wewe have to run.
- Why? I'm not leaving wewe here. It's a horrible place.
- Listen to me, Hell-hound, I mean a nurse is coming here. If she finds wewe here, she can do something terrible.
- I'm not leaving wewe here,- she was persistent and that was bad, especially now when I could hear Hell-hound's footsteps.
- Please, Cynthia, for me. wewe can return later and bring our parents with you.
- I'm not sure, Mary...
- Please, I beg you.
- Fine, but I'm definitely coming back soon.
- All right, but right now... - I started pushing her towards the door when Hell-hound suddenly came in.
- Look what we have here!- she smiled, but another short vision told me what she is planing to do.
- Don't wewe dear to lay even a finger on her! - I stood up in front of Cynthia.
- So Ice Queen do have soft spot. Let's see how soft it is,- and she tried to reach for Cynthia. I jumped on her but she threw me away and while I was lying on the floor she pulled Cynthia out of the ward.
- No!,- I ran to the door but it shut just in front of my face.
- No! Leave her alone!,- but my screams didn't help.
I sat on the floor with tears running down my cheeks. And I heard the most terrible sound. I heard my little sister screaming.
Not the end
As I was going nyumbani I suddenly was hit kwa the reality that I really was going to be a mother... a mom at last.
A mother wow... I thought to myself. I'm going to be responsible for someone. I shook that thought out of my head quickly, since I had always been a clutz like my mom. I mean what if I accidently hurt my unborn baby, I thought to myself before quickly shaking that thought off too.
It was 6 a.m. and I had just awoken to discover Jacob sitting at the foot of my bed. Jacob... I began- I need to tell wewe something I'm...I'm... Pregnant. "Thats great", he replied to me reaching up to stroke my growing stomach. "How far along are you?", he asks me. "I'm 3 months now Jake but... the baby's not yours.", I tell him... he slaps me and gathers all his things and bolts out the door leaving me to face reality i]alone.[/i]
A mother wow... I thought to myself. I'm going to be responsible for someone. I shook that thought out of my head quickly, since I had always been a clutz like my mom. I mean what if I accidently hurt my unborn baby, I thought to myself before quickly shaking that thought off too.
It was 6 a.m. and I had just awoken to discover Jacob sitting at the foot of my bed. Jacob... I began- I need to tell wewe something I'm...I'm... Pregnant. "Thats great", he replied to me reaching up to stroke my growing stomach. "How far along are you?", he asks me. "I'm 3 months now Jake but... the baby's not yours.", I tell him... he slaps me and gathers all his things and bolts out the door leaving me to face reality i]alone.[/i]
