I've heard people say that letting go is hard to do. And it's true. But the zaidi I wandered, the zaidi I felt like I had to close something back there. Damn. There was always something. Oh well. Time to end it. I headed back, passing her grave again. I'll see wewe later sis. And I'll bring some decoration for you. I went back. Damn it all. I had never wanted to come back when I left. wewe just have to close one door to open another I guess. When I got there, it was broad daylight. So I hung around until it was well into the inayofuata morning. 3:00 a.m. No one would be up. I entered, heading down the hall.
I passed my old room, kicking the door open. It was empty. Good. I walked to her room, opened the door, and closed it once I was inside. I eased onto the bed, sitting there. My eyes changed from their natural blue to a faint gold. Nightmares wake people up. And I was looking mbele to this. Why? She was dreaming of him. Again. I often slipped into her dreams, chasing the sweet things away. Call me a creeper, but it was zaidi habit than payback. Except for tonight. This was intentional. And, just I expected, she woke up with fear in her eyes.
“Stay still Blade.”
“Terror?!”
“Hush. You'll only make the fear worse. Now be quiet. Give it a dakika to wear off.”
She stayed still for a dakika and I turned the dawati light on. I stared at her, nodding when my little spell had worn off.
“You did that to me?!”
“I had to talk to you.”
“How long have wewe been here?”
“In Happy Harbor? All day. Here in your room? Five minutes.”
“Well...what do wewe want?”
“Did wewe really have to play me like that?”
“What?”
“Were wewe on some sort of high that someone liked you? Did wewe just play around with me because it was easy to do?”
“Terror, you're not making any sense!”
“Really? Well let me put it this way! wewe played with me. I loved wewe Blade and wewe played with me. What I want to know is why?”
“Terror, I....I never played you.”
“So telling me wewe loved me was a game? Were wewe trying to make him jealous au something? Was I just some toy wewe could dispose of when wewe got what wewe wanted?”
“No! Terror-”
“Save it Blade. The way I see it, wewe used me. wewe used me to get to him. But the worst part is...I let you. Because I wanted wewe happy. Because I thought it would go away.”
We sat there, staring at each other. I know my words sounded harsh. But I wasn't angry. I was broken and there's a difference.
“Terror...I'm sorry...”
“No matter what Blade, I will upendo you. Just don't expect me to be here when wewe two fall apart. Cause I know it will happen. Going with someone like him, it's just like wewe going with Gage. Look what happened to Gage. That same thing will repeat itself. But just so wewe know, it won't be your fault. Can't help who wewe fall in upendo with. So thanks. For everything. And about this entire thing, don't go accusing yourself. It's my fault. I let wewe down. Night kid.”
I go off the kitanda and shut off the light. I walked out of the mountain. I felt zaidi at ease now that it was over. I leaned against the rocks, looking down at the city. I wasn't expecting her to come and run after me. I didn't want her to. I was done waiting for that to happen. I took the maua, ua out of my pocket. A blue rose. The stem was a dark green and thorn-less, the petals a soft electric blue. I held it and the maua, ua opened. The center of the rose was bathed in soft light. moto was on the inside of each petal, but it didn't burn the maua, ua au smell like fire. The whole maua, ua smelled like an ocean breeze, crisp and clean. I remember Sylver talking about these flowers.
She had told me that they are some sort of magic. She was right. This little maua, ua helps to clear your moyo and see whats inside. I found it in the one place it grows. But if I told you, you'd want it. So the place where it blooms is my secret. I had wanted to give it to Blade. Now I just wanted it gone. I dropped it over the edge and watched it fall. Sorry blossom. All that for nothing. I stuffed my hands in my pocket, walking away. No one would care for it. Only someone who has a broken moyo can open it anyways. But if wewe want to know, I looked in the flower. And it showed what was in my heart; something I kept telling everyone. The reason I had to stay away from others. Why I couldn't let my walls down any more. What exactly did I see in my heart? A monster.