Ok.... this spot... is getting SO crowded with FF XDDDDD
I bet wewe didn't even read chapter 21 XD (link )
Anyway...
Here comes chapter 22, and I really... really had a hard time uandishi this...
It was too painful...
But sometimes, wewe just have to do it.
So, I hope you'll like this... where I'm taking this...
And... I hope wewe haven't Lost interest...
If wewe did... That means Hilly will NEVER ever EVER write a long fanfic...
This long, anyway...
So...
Here it is...


Chapter 22: The orodha

Three weeks later

A breeze caressed the nyasi with every contact the two made. Hugh watched the nyasi shift under the light wind, he was stunned with the sight before him. He'd finally started to see things from a different angle. Everything started to seem beautiful, nature had started fascinating him like never before.
It was a weird and powerful thing, that Prozac. And he was still scared. Scared of what the fact that he needed medication for feeling the way he did meant.
Did it mean his feeling from before were compromised? He'd never want to think that everything he felt the awali years was illegitimate. He needed someone to tell him that he really did upendo Lisa. That he had been with her because he'd fell in upendo with the stunning person she was- and not just because he'd been depressed and needed someone.

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“Only wewe Hugh can know what wewe feel... The meds will just bring a light to your life.” The therapist nodded at him, he was so confused.
“What do wewe mean?” he asked somewhat unsure if he wanted to know the answer.
“Let's say... You've been living in a fog the last years of your life. Every feelings wewe had were fogged with the fact that wewe were depressed although wewe didn't know that.” the therapist continued.
“You want to say that everything I experienced was real but layered with a certain amount of depression?” Hugh started to follow his therapist's thinking.
“Well... wewe can think of it that way.” He smiled “So, when wewe get your medication, and when that depression is finally gone, you'll be able to see exactly how wewe feel about certain things.”
“And what if I find out that the feelings I had weren't fogged but illegitimate?” Hugh shivered at the thought of his feelings being wrong.
“At least you'll know exactly how wewe feel” the man before Hugh shifted uncomfortably in his seat.
“What if I realize I never loved Lisa?” Hugh caught his therapist, and himself, off guard.
The man bit his lower lip.
“Let's first start wewe on Prozac and then we'll see what happen” he smiled at Hugh nervously.
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Hugh walked through the grass, taking in his surroundings. Headstones. Set perfectly between each other forming long rows of misery. It had been three years since she'd died. Since her plane had crashed. Since she'd left him alone.
He didn't feel like he was missing a piece of his moyo like everyone alisema they feel when their loved ones die. He was... feeling... dull. Like everything he did was covered under a veil of sorrow.
His therapist was right when he'd alisema what he'd alisema about the fog.
Hugh's mind had been fogged. With what- he didn't know. But the fact that Prozac was making him feel better, he started to admit to himself it was depression.
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“What do wewe want me to do?” Hugh asked taking the first Prozac in front of his therapist.
“I want wewe to make a orodha of things wewe hadn't dealt with like wewe should have, and when wewe do, we'll start working on it” the therapist watched Hugh kumeza the pill and handed him a glass of water.
“And then what?” Hugh asked as he realized how much the scene before him resembled the time House had been institutionalized. That irony again.
“Then, we'll see where that brings us”
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Hugh came across Jo's headstone after wandering through the cemetery for a while.
There were some flowers inayofuata to the headstone and he realized Jo's sister must have been there a few days ago.
This was the first time after the funeral that Hugh came to the cemetery. The kids went to England every mwaka and they always came to leave some flowers.
Hugh scoffed at the fact that he even tried to escape visiting Jo's grave. He knew why he insisted on burying her in England. He had wanted to escape going to the cemetery, although he'd never admitted it until now. He tried to escape that as well.
Metaphorically, he'd win an award from running away from the important things in his life.

Hugh bent down inayofuata to the headstone and left a bouquet of red roses inayofuata to it. It was exactly three years since she'd died. Three years he'd been escaping things and running away from his feelings.
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“Read to me what wewe wrote” the therapist told Hugh as he saw him open the folded piece of paper in front of him.
“Ok... But it's a shati list” Hugh alisema in a low voice, afraid to read anything he wrote.
It was easier to write than to read. kusoma would mean those things were actually out there.
“Just read it Hugh.. it doesn't matter” the therapist nodded him to start reading.
Hugh's hands started shaking a bit as he looked at the first thing he wrote.
“One. Jo's death” he read cautiously, a tear forming in his eye.
“And how do wewe plan to deal with it?” the therapist scribbled something into his notebook.
“Visit her grave.” Hugh paused for a bit “and... talk”
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“I wanted...” Hugh started talking, but stopped in the same second. “This is ridiculous.” he told himself with a nervous smile.
“No, no... I have to do this” He alisema after a minute. Focusing on what he wanted to say.
A light breeze came across the nyasi again and Hugh breathed in, giving himself a, so needed, minute.
“You...” his voice broke “left us... Unexpectedly. I thought... I thought you'd be there forever. I know we...” tears started forming in his eyes
“I know we were having problems, and that I maybe stopped loving wewe while.. while I was away... But you...” a tear rolled down his cheek “...you were my stone. My constant. wewe were always there.”
He smiled a bit “Career comes and go, but wewe were always there. wewe and the kids...” Hugh sighed, looking around himself for a moment.
“And then... all of sudden, wewe were gone.” he started shaking a bit
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“But what should I say?” Hugh shook his head “ I know I should talk, but what should I say?”
“Just... whatever it is on your mind. Even if wewe want to tell her that wewe blame her for your depression” the therapist spoke calmly.
“Isn't that selfish?” Hugh frowned.
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“I was depressed, Jo. I was depressed for such a long time when I we were together... I was...” he paused for a sekunde “but... I knew wewe were always going to be there no matter how I feel... When wewe left...” he breathed in again “when wewe left... I didn't know if I'd ever find someone that will be there... always... for me... And I cursed myself for not being there for you, for being away for such a long time. For eventually... stopping loving wewe the way I did when we got married... And then... Lisa came.
And... I realized... She had been there for me, just like wewe have... And I felt...” another tear rolled down his cheek, he reached for a kleenex to wipe it “... I felt like I don't deserve her... I still do... I still feel like I don't deserve her au to be treated like she's treated me...” He breathed in deeply
“So... I did what I know to do the best... I ran away from what I had... Just to find myself having nothing. Being nothing... Just to realize I do need her, that I needed you, that... I was actually happy with both of you...
And... while it's obvious I'm too late to set things straight with you...” he bit his lip “I hope it's not that late with Lisa... I hope... I know... she's a better person than me.. And I still think I don't deserve her.. au the kids... But sometimes...”
“Sometimes wewe just have to be selfish” The therapist alisema with a small smile, leaving Hugh still with a frown.

“Sometimes... wewe just have to be selfish, Jo” Hugh repeated the same thing his therapist told him.
“Sometimes wewe just need to stand up for yourself.”
Hugh wiped the last tear from his cheek and reached for his pocket.
He took out the piece of paper, the one that had the orodha of things he had to deal with, and a pen.
He looked at his list.

'1. Jo's death- visit the grave'
He took the pen and crossed it from the list. And as he looked at the inayofuata thing that was written on it, he reached for his phone and dialed a familiar number.
As he started going back to the car, waiting for the person he called pick up the phone, he dropped the piece of paper in the grass.