-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Alright… a response to this gay note Bella gave to her dad to give to my dad to give to me. I’ll have to try and sound sincere. And angry. I’ll press the pen into the paper to dent it so she feels guilty.
Billy: -appears out of thin air- talking to No one again, son?
Jacob: Yep. I trust him with aaaalllll my secrets.
No one: Somehow it’s always us two when wewe speak your thoughts like this. I guess I just repulse people. –Sobs– Were is Jasper when I need him?! And where the hell is my knife?!
Jacob: Damn you, No one! wewe aren’t supposed to reply when I tell wewe about these things. It makes the moment feel less deep and meaningful.
No one: wewe were talking about revenge, in a sense. Is that meaningful?
Jacob: Piss off! –Throws lamp with werewolf strength and then walks through wall–
Billy: Why didn’t wewe use the front door, Jacob?
Jacob: This is zaidi dramatic. And I’m dramatic. And hot. I have a whole .5 percent of Twilighters in my fanclub. –Strikes a pose–
Billy: My boy! You’re famous! And hot. Mmm…
Jacob: I know, dad. I know.
-at Bella’s house-
Bella: Edward, I need to go see Jacob. I mean, look at the dents on this paper! It must have taken an awful lot of work and strength and anger to do that!
Edward: NO! I can’t let wewe see your best friend! That would be sick! It would be wrong! It’s illegal.
Bella: How’s it illegal?
Edward: It just… it just is, okay?
Bella: I don’t believe you.
Edward: Damn. Must dazzle you… -dazzles-
Bella: Aummuhh… seven?
Edward: Exactly.
Bella: wewe won’t get away with this.
Edward: But I will. Anyways, Jacob might have been part of the group that wanted a quarter from wewe a mwaka ago! If wewe are alone with him, he might finally get that quarter. I can’t let that happen to you!
Bella: you’re too overprotective. It’s really creepy.
Edward: Bitch…
Bella: Slut!
Edward: How can I be a slut? I’m a guy.
Bella: wewe can’t prove that! (A/N My catch phrase :D)
Edward: Actually, I can. But I’m too much of a prude to onyesha you.
Bella: Why won’t wewe sleep with me?! Do wewe hate me?! -Sobs- JASPER!
Edward: Damn Jasper and his “sensitive side”! I think he’s gay. But comforting, nonetheless. JASPER!
-The inayofuata day-
Bella: I’m alone… must go to Jacob’s!
Edward: No! Ha! I got here before you! wewe just got served, bitch!
Bella: What the hell did wewe do to my frickin car?!
Edward: I took out the engine.
Bella: Really?
Edward: I have no idea. Hopefully I’ll figure out how to put whatever the hell this is back in you’re car kwa tomorrow, though, au else you’re screwed.
Bella: Go to hell.
Edward: Already there, Bella. Already there. If wewe don’t want me to stalk wewe tonight I’ll understand.
Bella: Nah. The thought of… always being watched… is comforting. Murderer au not, you’re still hot.
Edward: That I am, Bella. That I am.
-The inayofuata siku at Bella’s job-
Bella: Call 1-800, Newton’s! Michael Newton has the girls pukin’! (A/N sing this to the tune of the Stanley Steemer commercial)
Mike: Ouch. That was cold.
Bella: But true.
Mike: I know. I’ve seen it in action. But wewe don’t need to rub it in.
Bella: wewe want me to get no one to do it for me?
Mike: -sighs- no. Just… go home.
Bella: Why?
Mike: I dunno. The mwandishi of this parody doesn’t have a sarcastic au witty line to write here.
Bella: …Okay then. I guess I’ll go to Jacob’s now. I can’t believe Edward got that piece back in my truck.
Mike: wewe sound so proud.
Bella: I am. Last week he was learning to take his first steps. My little boy is growing up!
Mike: That makes no sense.
Bella: I know. Ponder THAT!
Mike: I’ll try. But it will hurt, a lot.
Bella: Well, while wewe go kill yourself trying to get those non-existent brain cells working, I’m gonna go see Jacob. And there’s No one to stop me now!
No one: I can’t stop you! Look at these arms! They are smaller than Barbie’s!
Bella: wewe have a point there, Mr. Manorexic. (A/N My twin sister, Cara, loves this word. This sentence is dedicated to you! ;) ) I guess I can go now without being stopped!
-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Bells! You’re here!
Bella: Don’t call me Bells. MY dad calls me that, and if wewe wanna get laid I don’t want to see wewe as my father figure. Also, do I look like a piece of metal that chimes to you?
Jacob: Yes.
Bella: That’s not going to help wewe get some, either.
Jacob: No.
Bella: That’s better. Anyways, of course I’m here. Thanks for stating the obvious.
Jacob: No problem! I was told wewe were a bit slow, so I thought it would help.
Bella: Who alisema that?
Jacob: No one.
No one: Why does everyone always accuse me of saying these things?
Bella: Because you’d be the easiest to kill if wewe ever tried to defend yourself.
No one: Damn wewe and your logic…
-A few hours later-
Bella: I’m going nyumbani now.
Jacob: Whhhhyyyy??
Bella: So Edward doesn’t know I am cheating on him kwa being with wewe so long.
Jacob: Fine then.
-Back at Charlie’s house-
Bella: hujambo Eddie!
Edward: Did wewe give him the quarter?
Bella: No…
Edward: wewe got lucky. He’s just trying to gain your trust so it doesn’t look suspicious.
Bella: Probably. wewe can’t change the past though.
Edward: Not YET.
Bella: What’s that supposed to mean?
Edward: You’ll find out… in some… alternate universe 5th book…
Bella: Oookay then.
-The inayofuata day-
Edward: Dammit Bella! wewe keep interrupting my hunting trips because of your need to rape young boys!
Bella: Isn’t that Michael Jackson’s job?
Edward: That’s beside the point! I’m having Alice watch over wewe for the inayofuata couple days.
Bella: Screw you.
Edward: -leaves-
Alice: Hi Bella!
Bella: Hi Rhonda.
Alice: Rhonda? My name is Alice!
Bella: Oh. I thought it was Rhonda.
Alice: Close.
Bella: Close isn’t good enough. I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH! –sobs- WHERE IS YOUR emo AND GAY BOYFRIEND WHEN wewe NEED HIM?!
Alice: Probably crawled up in the corner of our room with a knife.
Bella: Oh. I’ll look for him later then. I’m going to bed.
-One saa later-
Rosalie: hujambo Bella! Just came in here to tell wewe why I would rather choke kittens and then eat their flesh before making wewe officially part of the family.
Bella: Which is?
Rosalie: I was raped.
Bella: Oh. Um… What does that have to do with me becoming a vampire?
Rosalie: -shrugs- I dunno. I thought that maybe if wewe pitied me wewe would feel bad and do things my way. Do wewe sympathize?
Bella: Not really, no.
Rosalie: Damn. –walks out of room-
-At school-
Jacob: Come on, Bella! Let’s go!
Bella: Damn you, peer pressure!
-At beach-
Jacob: So…
Bella: So.
Jacob: Yeah.
Bella: Mhmm…
Jacob: So I hear you’re pregnant.
Bella: Huh? What the hell?
Jacob: Just trying to make conversation…
Bella: kwa asking if I’m pregnant? God, I’m not that fat, am I?
Jacob: Well…
Bella: Oh god! –Runs to bathroom and shoves finger down throat– How bout now?
Jacob: So you’re not pregnant?
Bella: Nope. Wanyonya damu can’t have children, and I’m going to be one.
Jacob: No! I’ll kill wewe before that happens!
Bella: Edward already has dibs.
Jacob: Damn.
-The inayofuata night-
Bella: Edward? Is that you?
Edward: Nope. I’m the Ghost from krisimasi Past. Go back to sleep.
Bella: -falls asleep-
-The inayofuata day-
Bella: Why are all my clothes missing?
Edward: Someone’s been here.
Bella: Who?
Edward: Santa.
Bella: But it’s summer.
Edward: Oh… Then maybe it was a leprechaun. au the Easter Bunny.
Bella: au the Volturi. au an army of newborns.
Edward: Nah, that doesn’t seem at all likely.
Bella: We should prepare though. I’m going to see Jacob.
Edward: Fine. But don’t bring any money.
-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Bella, I have something to tell you.
Bella: What is it?
Jacob: I want wewe to choose me. I upendo you.
Bella: I know.
Jacob: Oh, wewe do? Well, that’s humiliating.
Bella: Very. Besides, real men sparkle. I choose Edward.
Jacob: Dammit, Bella! I’ll make wewe upendo me!
Bella: No! Don’t rape me!
Jacob: I won’t. Not yet, anyway. –Kisses Bella–
Bella: Abuse! Harassment! Violation! Ick!
Jacob: I didn’t rape wewe yet, god. wewe have to wait until I put—
Bella: Stop! Edward hasn’t told me how to do the rest yet!
Jacob: Um… ew?
Bella: Gah! –Punches Jacob–
Jacob: What was that for?
Bella: I have no idea. It was part of the storyline. Whatever the reason, though, it broke my hand.
Jacob: Shouldn’t wewe be writhing in pain?
Bella: …Oh yeah. –Flails arm unenthusiastically–
Jacob: I guess I should take wewe nyumbani now.
Bella: Hells-to-the-freaking-yes! (A/N aha sorry I’ve always wanted to make her say that)
-Graduation Day-
Bella: That was a HUGE time skip! Anyways Alice, I think the person raiding my closet and the hormonal newborns are the same people and they are coming after me.
Alice: How could I have not seen this coming?
Bella: Do I look like the wizard of oz au someone else who could give wewe all the answers?
Alice: No. wewe look zaidi like one of the munchkins.
Bella: Look who’s talking, shortie.
Alice: -kicks Bella with super vampire strength- Don’t piss of short people, tall…ie…
Bella: I’m not that tall. Anyways, I guess we should tell Edward.
Alice: Nope. I guess wewe should tell Edward. I’m hooking up with Jasper after the ceremony.
Bella: Damn. I thought I had dibs on emo boy.
-At graduation-
Bella: Guess what, Edward? Some newborns are off to kill me!
Edward: I thought that was my job!
Bella: I guess they didn’t get the message.
Edward: Probably. Well, -sighs- I guess we should try and save wewe from your killer(s). Again.
Bella: That’s the spirit!
-At party-
Bella: This party… is sooo gay…
Edward: I know, right? Wait here. I’m going to talk to Alice because of my strong and needy dependency of her.
Bella: Fine then. I’ll just go talk to mbwa mwitu boy. –Sneezes–
Jacob: hujambo Bella! I got wewe a present!
Bella: Aw, thanks Jake! wewe -sneeze- shouldn’t have! -Sneeze-
Jacob: See? It’s a bracelet, and it has a mbwa mwitu on it!
Bella: -Sneeze- I see –sneeze- that wewe –sneeze- are –sneeze- cheerful. –sneeze-
Jacob: Do wewe have allergies?
Bella: Huh. Maybe. When I was younger I was tested positive for animals, like do—oh.
Jacob: Oh.
-awkward silence-
Jacob: Well, uh, I guess I should go. But first, isn’t there something wewe have to tell me?
Bella: No…
Jacob: Yes there is! wewe are supposed to tell me that you’ve got lots of newborn Wanyonya damu coming after you!
Bella: Er… okay… I’ve got lots of newborn Wanyonya damu coming after me.
Jacob: -gasp- how did I not know about this?!
-after party-
Bella: That party was so gay.
Edward: I know. But hey, at least there were chips.
Bella: wewe don’t even eat chips, though.
Edward: That’s what wewe think.
Jasper: Ahem. Anyways, since I’ve got into a bunch of kisu fights before, I have the most experience fighting than wewe lame punda pacifists. So, I’ll teach wewe guys how to kisu our opponents.
Edward: But they’re vampires. The blade would fall off before they could get cut.
Jasper: GOD! wewe JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND ME! -sobs-
Alice: Fine. onyesha us how to go all second-hand emo on them.
Jasper: Fine, I will. –Flips now black side bangs-
-In Bella’s room-
Edward: hujambo Bella? Will wewe marry me?
Bella: Hmm… If I do, can I steal your virginity?
Edward: Fine.
Bella: Sweet. Then yes. Smart deal, Bella. Just how do wewe do it?
Edward: Well, usually it starts kwa the removal of shirts and—
Bella: That’s not what I meant!
Edward: Sure its not.
-In forest-
Edward: Ugh. I’m so bored. Jasper is over there trying to find new directions to cut his wrists, Rosalie and Emmett are making out, Carlisle is talking to himself about cancer… again…, Esme is trying to find yet another way to pronounce her name, Alice is trying to buy Target, and No one is still trying to convince Jacob that No one is a worse name than Anybody. What should WE do?
Bella: I dunno. Let’s try and see how long it takes for me to pass out kwa banging my head against your rock hard abs.
Edward: Alright. Three… two… one… and go!
-Five dakika later-
Bella: -wakes up- How long did it take?
Edward: I counted about thirty-six seconds.
Bella: It’s a new record!
Edward: au at least better than last time with that whopping eight seconds.
Bella: I think everyone is done now. Let’s go back!
Edward: It doesn’t look done yet. See? Alice is really close to a bargain!
Bella: And look at Jasper crying those frustrated sobs because the knives keep breaking on his skin! What a pansy.
Edward: I know. The Pacific Ocean has less water than his eyes are pouring out! You’re right. He is a pansy.
Bella: wewe can almost see the salt.
Edward: -nods solemnly-
Bella: But seriously, I wanna go home.
Edward: Fine. But only because I’m knee high in Jasper’s non-producible tears.
-During the fight-
Bella: Edward, I have something to tell you. I’m in upendo with Jacob.
Edward: Why?
Bella: I dunno. Maybe it’s the way he can stuff all those burritos in his mouth so quickly. And the way he explodes into a giant animal just makes my moyo flutter.
Edward: That’s understandable. I mean, if I, wewe know, ‘rolled that way’, I’d feel the same way.
Bella: Thanks. Can wewe give us a minute?
Edward: Okay, I’ll even get him for you. Anything for alone time with him.
Jacob: hujambo Bella. So I’m planning a suicide mission tonight at the fight.
Bella: No! wewe have so much to live for!
Jacob: Like what?
Bella: Er… um… pancakes! wewe make Aunt Jemima proud to be your syrup. And also, what about those awali .5 percent of readers that like you?
Jacob: wewe need to kiss me so I can believe it.
Bella: That sounds reasonable enough. Pucker up, pretty boy.
Jacob: Come on. We all know Edward’s the pretty boy. I mean, have wewe seen those muscles? Mmm…
Bella: No. I haven’t seen those muscles. He’s a prude, remember? How did wewe see those muscles? Wait, are wewe gay?
Jacob: What? N-n-no! of… of course not! I just… I just think he’s mildly attractive, is all…
Bella: Huh. He alisema the same thing about you.
Jacob: -squeals- really?
Bella: No. But he says if he was gay he’d have the hots for you. Let’s make out.
Jacob: On it.
-5 dakika later-
Bella: That was interesting.
Jacob: I know. Who knew pencils could be used like that?
Bella: Yep. I’ve never seen such a thing. Anyways, you’re a good kisser.
Jacob: -smiles smugly- I know.
Bella: How would wewe know? Before me, you’ve never even held hands with a girl.
Jacob: I’ve held hands before!
Bella: I alisema never held hands with a GIRL.
Jacob: Oh.
Bella: Oh shit! I made out with you! GUILT! GUILT! SHAME!
Jacob: I think now would be a good time for wewe to team up with Jasper.
Bella: Nah. I’ll just use reverse psychology to make Edward feel guilty.
Jacob: Works for me.
-In tent-
Bella: Oh, Edward! I—
Edward: That’s what she said.
Bella: What?
Edward: That’s what she said. wewe know that joke, right?
Bella: Err… okay. Ahem. As I was saying. Oh, Edward! I made out with another man! I’m a horrible person!
Edward: Yes, yes wewe are.
Bella: Yes I— wait, what? wewe agree with me?
Edward: Yep.
Bella: No! You’re supposed to disagree! Go alone with the plot!
Edward: Oh… sorry. –clears throat- No you’re not, Bella!
Bella: I’m not?
Edward: Uh, no! Just because wewe are in upendo with another man while wewe are engaged to me, I don’t see anything wrong with that picture!
Bella: Thanks, Edward! I knew you’d understand.
Edward: Don’t I always? I mean, I AM perfect.
Bella: I know wewe are. That’s why it’s weird that I’m in upendo with Jacob.
Edward: True dat.
Bella: Do wewe hear that?
Edward: Yeah! Victoria’s here! Gasp!
Bella: Go kill her, Eddie!
Edward: Kay! –Rips Victoria’s head off- done. That was easy.
Bella: To YOU, maybe.
Edward: Yep, because wewe are a stupid and wimpy human.
Bella: Ouch.
Edward: Oh, and kwa the way, Jacob just broke half his bones.
Bella: -Passes out-
-Five dakika later-
Bella: -Wakes up-
Edward: What happened? Did wewe pass out because hearing that information was painful?
Bella: Ugh, no, I think I was hit in the back of the head with a frying pan au something.
No one: -Grins sheepishly-
Bella: Now do wewe understand why we all hate you?
-At Cullen house-
Alice: hujambo Bella, check out this pimpin’ wedding dress!
Bella: That’s hot.
Edward: That’s what she said!
Alice and Bella: …
Edward: This is gay. I’m going to the meadow.
Bella: Wait for me!
-At meadow-
Bella: Wow. This is a lot less meaningful than I thought it would be.
Edward: I know. They don’t even have any soda machines here! Just trees. And grass.
Bella: Damn you, nature…
Edward: Exactly. We finally agree on something. Which makes me want to give up and do it with you, and then force wewe into eternal damnation.
Bella: No wait, I—
Edward: -Tries to rape Bella-
Bella: STOP! I have matches AND a lighter! Get the fuck off me! Besides, I have AIDs.
Edward: God, fine, I’ll stop, but only because of the whole STDs thing.
Bella: I wanna keep my virtue.
Edward: Doesn’t that kind of ruin the point of the whole raping thing?
Bella: I guess. But I don’t think wewe want to lose your virginity to plain old me.
Edward: No, I’M not good enough for YOU! Woe is me…
Bella: Save it for Jasper. He’d appreciate your impersonation.
Edward: So we’re NOT going to have sex?
Bella: Nope.
Edward: Damn.
Bella: Let’s try something equally as dangerous. Telling Charlie!
Edward: Good luck staying out of his line of bullet fire! Muahaha!
Jacob: Alright… a response to this gay note Bella gave to her dad to give to my dad to give to me. I’ll have to try and sound sincere. And angry. I’ll press the pen into the paper to dent it so she feels guilty.
Billy: -appears out of thin air- talking to No one again, son?
Jacob: Yep. I trust him with aaaalllll my secrets.
No one: Somehow it’s always us two when wewe speak your thoughts like this. I guess I just repulse people. –Sobs– Were is Jasper when I need him?! And where the hell is my knife?!
Jacob: Damn you, No one! wewe aren’t supposed to reply when I tell wewe about these things. It makes the moment feel less deep and meaningful.
No one: wewe were talking about revenge, in a sense. Is that meaningful?
Jacob: Piss off! –Throws lamp with werewolf strength and then walks through wall–
Billy: Why didn’t wewe use the front door, Jacob?
Jacob: This is zaidi dramatic. And I’m dramatic. And hot. I have a whole .5 percent of Twilighters in my fanclub. –Strikes a pose–
Billy: My boy! You’re famous! And hot. Mmm…
Jacob: I know, dad. I know.
-at Bella’s house-
Bella: Edward, I need to go see Jacob. I mean, look at the dents on this paper! It must have taken an awful lot of work and strength and anger to do that!
Edward: NO! I can’t let wewe see your best friend! That would be sick! It would be wrong! It’s illegal.
Bella: How’s it illegal?
Edward: It just… it just is, okay?
Bella: I don’t believe you.
Edward: Damn. Must dazzle you… -dazzles-
Bella: Aummuhh… seven?
Edward: Exactly.
Bella: wewe won’t get away with this.
Edward: But I will. Anyways, Jacob might have been part of the group that wanted a quarter from wewe a mwaka ago! If wewe are alone with him, he might finally get that quarter. I can’t let that happen to you!
Bella: you’re too overprotective. It’s really creepy.
Edward: Bitch…
Bella: Slut!
Edward: How can I be a slut? I’m a guy.
Bella: wewe can’t prove that! (A/N My catch phrase :D)
Edward: Actually, I can. But I’m too much of a prude to onyesha you.
Bella: Why won’t wewe sleep with me?! Do wewe hate me?! -Sobs- JASPER!
Edward: Damn Jasper and his “sensitive side”! I think he’s gay. But comforting, nonetheless. JASPER!
-The inayofuata day-
Bella: I’m alone… must go to Jacob’s!
Edward: No! Ha! I got here before you! wewe just got served, bitch!
Bella: What the hell did wewe do to my frickin car?!
Edward: I took out the engine.
Bella: Really?
Edward: I have no idea. Hopefully I’ll figure out how to put whatever the hell this is back in you’re car kwa tomorrow, though, au else you’re screwed.
Bella: Go to hell.
Edward: Already there, Bella. Already there. If wewe don’t want me to stalk wewe tonight I’ll understand.
Bella: Nah. The thought of… always being watched… is comforting. Murderer au not, you’re still hot.
Edward: That I am, Bella. That I am.
-The inayofuata siku at Bella’s job-
Bella: Call 1-800, Newton’s! Michael Newton has the girls pukin’! (A/N sing this to the tune of the Stanley Steemer commercial)
Mike: Ouch. That was cold.
Bella: But true.
Mike: I know. I’ve seen it in action. But wewe don’t need to rub it in.
Bella: wewe want me to get no one to do it for me?
Mike: -sighs- no. Just… go home.
Bella: Why?
Mike: I dunno. The mwandishi of this parody doesn’t have a sarcastic au witty line to write here.
Bella: …Okay then. I guess I’ll go to Jacob’s now. I can’t believe Edward got that piece back in my truck.
Mike: wewe sound so proud.
Bella: I am. Last week he was learning to take his first steps. My little boy is growing up!
Mike: That makes no sense.
Bella: I know. Ponder THAT!
Mike: I’ll try. But it will hurt, a lot.
Bella: Well, while wewe go kill yourself trying to get those non-existent brain cells working, I’m gonna go see Jacob. And there’s No one to stop me now!
No one: I can’t stop you! Look at these arms! They are smaller than Barbie’s!
Bella: wewe have a point there, Mr. Manorexic. (A/N My twin sister, Cara, loves this word. This sentence is dedicated to you! ;) ) I guess I can go now without being stopped!
-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Bells! You’re here!
Bella: Don’t call me Bells. MY dad calls me that, and if wewe wanna get laid I don’t want to see wewe as my father figure. Also, do I look like a piece of metal that chimes to you?
Jacob: Yes.
Bella: That’s not going to help wewe get some, either.
Jacob: No.
Bella: That’s better. Anyways, of course I’m here. Thanks for stating the obvious.
Jacob: No problem! I was told wewe were a bit slow, so I thought it would help.
Bella: Who alisema that?
Jacob: No one.
No one: Why does everyone always accuse me of saying these things?
Bella: Because you’d be the easiest to kill if wewe ever tried to defend yourself.
No one: Damn wewe and your logic…
-A few hours later-
Bella: I’m going nyumbani now.
Jacob: Whhhhyyyy??
Bella: So Edward doesn’t know I am cheating on him kwa being with wewe so long.
Jacob: Fine then.
-Back at Charlie’s house-
Bella: hujambo Eddie!
Edward: Did wewe give him the quarter?
Bella: No…
Edward: wewe got lucky. He’s just trying to gain your trust so it doesn’t look suspicious.
Bella: Probably. wewe can’t change the past though.
Edward: Not YET.
Bella: What’s that supposed to mean?
Edward: You’ll find out… in some… alternate universe 5th book…
Bella: Oookay then.
-The inayofuata day-
Edward: Dammit Bella! wewe keep interrupting my hunting trips because of your need to rape young boys!
Bella: Isn’t that Michael Jackson’s job?
Edward: That’s beside the point! I’m having Alice watch over wewe for the inayofuata couple days.
Bella: Screw you.
Edward: -leaves-
Alice: Hi Bella!
Bella: Hi Rhonda.
Alice: Rhonda? My name is Alice!
Bella: Oh. I thought it was Rhonda.
Alice: Close.
Bella: Close isn’t good enough. I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH! –sobs- WHERE IS YOUR emo AND GAY BOYFRIEND WHEN wewe NEED HIM?!
Alice: Probably crawled up in the corner of our room with a knife.
Bella: Oh. I’ll look for him later then. I’m going to bed.
-One saa later-
Rosalie: hujambo Bella! Just came in here to tell wewe why I would rather choke kittens and then eat their flesh before making wewe officially part of the family.
Bella: Which is?
Rosalie: I was raped.
Bella: Oh. Um… What does that have to do with me becoming a vampire?
Rosalie: -shrugs- I dunno. I thought that maybe if wewe pitied me wewe would feel bad and do things my way. Do wewe sympathize?
Bella: Not really, no.
Rosalie: Damn. –walks out of room-
-At school-
Jacob: Come on, Bella! Let’s go!
Bella: Damn you, peer pressure!
-At beach-
Jacob: So…
Bella: So.
Jacob: Yeah.
Bella: Mhmm…
Jacob: So I hear you’re pregnant.
Bella: Huh? What the hell?
Jacob: Just trying to make conversation…
Bella: kwa asking if I’m pregnant? God, I’m not that fat, am I?
Jacob: Well…
Bella: Oh god! –Runs to bathroom and shoves finger down throat– How bout now?
Jacob: So you’re not pregnant?
Bella: Nope. Wanyonya damu can’t have children, and I’m going to be one.
Jacob: No! I’ll kill wewe before that happens!
Bella: Edward already has dibs.
Jacob: Damn.
-The inayofuata night-
Bella: Edward? Is that you?
Edward: Nope. I’m the Ghost from krisimasi Past. Go back to sleep.
Bella: -falls asleep-
-The inayofuata day-
Bella: Why are all my clothes missing?
Edward: Someone’s been here.
Bella: Who?
Edward: Santa.
Bella: But it’s summer.
Edward: Oh… Then maybe it was a leprechaun. au the Easter Bunny.
Bella: au the Volturi. au an army of newborns.
Edward: Nah, that doesn’t seem at all likely.
Bella: We should prepare though. I’m going to see Jacob.
Edward: Fine. But don’t bring any money.
-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Bella, I have something to tell you.
Bella: What is it?
Jacob: I want wewe to choose me. I upendo you.
Bella: I know.
Jacob: Oh, wewe do? Well, that’s humiliating.
Bella: Very. Besides, real men sparkle. I choose Edward.
Jacob: Dammit, Bella! I’ll make wewe upendo me!
Bella: No! Don’t rape me!
Jacob: I won’t. Not yet, anyway. –Kisses Bella–
Bella: Abuse! Harassment! Violation! Ick!
Jacob: I didn’t rape wewe yet, god. wewe have to wait until I put—
Bella: Stop! Edward hasn’t told me how to do the rest yet!
Jacob: Um… ew?
Bella: Gah! –Punches Jacob–
Jacob: What was that for?
Bella: I have no idea. It was part of the storyline. Whatever the reason, though, it broke my hand.
Jacob: Shouldn’t wewe be writhing in pain?
Bella: …Oh yeah. –Flails arm unenthusiastically–
Jacob: I guess I should take wewe nyumbani now.
Bella: Hells-to-the-freaking-yes! (A/N aha sorry I’ve always wanted to make her say that)
-Graduation Day-
Bella: That was a HUGE time skip! Anyways Alice, I think the person raiding my closet and the hormonal newborns are the same people and they are coming after me.
Alice: How could I have not seen this coming?
Bella: Do I look like the wizard of oz au someone else who could give wewe all the answers?
Alice: No. wewe look zaidi like one of the munchkins.
Bella: Look who’s talking, shortie.
Alice: -kicks Bella with super vampire strength- Don’t piss of short people, tall…ie…
Bella: I’m not that tall. Anyways, I guess we should tell Edward.
Alice: Nope. I guess wewe should tell Edward. I’m hooking up with Jasper after the ceremony.
Bella: Damn. I thought I had dibs on emo boy.
-At graduation-
Bella: Guess what, Edward? Some newborns are off to kill me!
Edward: I thought that was my job!
Bella: I guess they didn’t get the message.
Edward: Probably. Well, -sighs- I guess we should try and save wewe from your killer(s). Again.
Bella: That’s the spirit!
-At party-
Bella: This party… is sooo gay…
Edward: I know, right? Wait here. I’m going to talk to Alice because of my strong and needy dependency of her.
Bella: Fine then. I’ll just go talk to mbwa mwitu boy. –Sneezes–
Jacob: hujambo Bella! I got wewe a present!
Bella: Aw, thanks Jake! wewe -sneeze- shouldn’t have! -Sneeze-
Jacob: See? It’s a bracelet, and it has a mbwa mwitu on it!
Bella: -Sneeze- I see –sneeze- that wewe –sneeze- are –sneeze- cheerful. –sneeze-
Jacob: Do wewe have allergies?
Bella: Huh. Maybe. When I was younger I was tested positive for animals, like do—oh.
Jacob: Oh.
-awkward silence-
Jacob: Well, uh, I guess I should go. But first, isn’t there something wewe have to tell me?
Bella: No…
Jacob: Yes there is! wewe are supposed to tell me that you’ve got lots of newborn Wanyonya damu coming after you!
Bella: Er… okay… I’ve got lots of newborn Wanyonya damu coming after me.
Jacob: -gasp- how did I not know about this?!
-after party-
Bella: That party was so gay.
Edward: I know. But hey, at least there were chips.
Bella: wewe don’t even eat chips, though.
Edward: That’s what wewe think.
Jasper: Ahem. Anyways, since I’ve got into a bunch of kisu fights before, I have the most experience fighting than wewe lame punda pacifists. So, I’ll teach wewe guys how to kisu our opponents.
Edward: But they’re vampires. The blade would fall off before they could get cut.
Jasper: GOD! wewe JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND ME! -sobs-
Alice: Fine. onyesha us how to go all second-hand emo on them.
Jasper: Fine, I will. –Flips now black side bangs-
-In Bella’s room-
Edward: hujambo Bella? Will wewe marry me?
Bella: Hmm… If I do, can I steal your virginity?
Edward: Fine.
Bella: Sweet. Then yes. Smart deal, Bella. Just how do wewe do it?
Edward: Well, usually it starts kwa the removal of shirts and—
Bella: That’s not what I meant!
Edward: Sure its not.
-In forest-
Edward: Ugh. I’m so bored. Jasper is over there trying to find new directions to cut his wrists, Rosalie and Emmett are making out, Carlisle is talking to himself about cancer… again…, Esme is trying to find yet another way to pronounce her name, Alice is trying to buy Target, and No one is still trying to convince Jacob that No one is a worse name than Anybody. What should WE do?
Bella: I dunno. Let’s try and see how long it takes for me to pass out kwa banging my head against your rock hard abs.
Edward: Alright. Three… two… one… and go!
-Five dakika later-
Bella: -wakes up- How long did it take?
Edward: I counted about thirty-six seconds.
Bella: It’s a new record!
Edward: au at least better than last time with that whopping eight seconds.
Bella: I think everyone is done now. Let’s go back!
Edward: It doesn’t look done yet. See? Alice is really close to a bargain!
Bella: And look at Jasper crying those frustrated sobs because the knives keep breaking on his skin! What a pansy.
Edward: I know. The Pacific Ocean has less water than his eyes are pouring out! You’re right. He is a pansy.
Bella: wewe can almost see the salt.
Edward: -nods solemnly-
Bella: But seriously, I wanna go home.
Edward: Fine. But only because I’m knee high in Jasper’s non-producible tears.
-During the fight-
Bella: Edward, I have something to tell you. I’m in upendo with Jacob.
Edward: Why?
Bella: I dunno. Maybe it’s the way he can stuff all those burritos in his mouth so quickly. And the way he explodes into a giant animal just makes my moyo flutter.
Edward: That’s understandable. I mean, if I, wewe know, ‘rolled that way’, I’d feel the same way.
Bella: Thanks. Can wewe give us a minute?
Edward: Okay, I’ll even get him for you. Anything for alone time with him.
Jacob: hujambo Bella. So I’m planning a suicide mission tonight at the fight.
Bella: No! wewe have so much to live for!
Jacob: Like what?
Bella: Er… um… pancakes! wewe make Aunt Jemima proud to be your syrup. And also, what about those awali .5 percent of readers that like you?
Jacob: wewe need to kiss me so I can believe it.
Bella: That sounds reasonable enough. Pucker up, pretty boy.
Jacob: Come on. We all know Edward’s the pretty boy. I mean, have wewe seen those muscles? Mmm…
Bella: No. I haven’t seen those muscles. He’s a prude, remember? How did wewe see those muscles? Wait, are wewe gay?
Jacob: What? N-n-no! of… of course not! I just… I just think he’s mildly attractive, is all…
Bella: Huh. He alisema the same thing about you.
Jacob: -squeals- really?
Bella: No. But he says if he was gay he’d have the hots for you. Let’s make out.
Jacob: On it.
-5 dakika later-
Bella: That was interesting.
Jacob: I know. Who knew pencils could be used like that?
Bella: Yep. I’ve never seen such a thing. Anyways, you’re a good kisser.
Jacob: -smiles smugly- I know.
Bella: How would wewe know? Before me, you’ve never even held hands with a girl.
Jacob: I’ve held hands before!
Bella: I alisema never held hands with a GIRL.
Jacob: Oh.
Bella: Oh shit! I made out with you! GUILT! GUILT! SHAME!
Jacob: I think now would be a good time for wewe to team up with Jasper.
Bella: Nah. I’ll just use reverse psychology to make Edward feel guilty.
Jacob: Works for me.
-In tent-
Bella: Oh, Edward! I—
Edward: That’s what she said.
Bella: What?
Edward: That’s what she said. wewe know that joke, right?
Bella: Err… okay. Ahem. As I was saying. Oh, Edward! I made out with another man! I’m a horrible person!
Edward: Yes, yes wewe are.
Bella: Yes I— wait, what? wewe agree with me?
Edward: Yep.
Bella: No! You’re supposed to disagree! Go alone with the plot!
Edward: Oh… sorry. –clears throat- No you’re not, Bella!
Bella: I’m not?
Edward: Uh, no! Just because wewe are in upendo with another man while wewe are engaged to me, I don’t see anything wrong with that picture!
Bella: Thanks, Edward! I knew you’d understand.
Edward: Don’t I always? I mean, I AM perfect.
Bella: I know wewe are. That’s why it’s weird that I’m in upendo with Jacob.
Edward: True dat.
Bella: Do wewe hear that?
Edward: Yeah! Victoria’s here! Gasp!
Bella: Go kill her, Eddie!
Edward: Kay! –Rips Victoria’s head off- done. That was easy.
Bella: To YOU, maybe.
Edward: Yep, because wewe are a stupid and wimpy human.
Bella: Ouch.
Edward: Oh, and kwa the way, Jacob just broke half his bones.
Bella: -Passes out-
-Five dakika later-
Bella: -Wakes up-
Edward: What happened? Did wewe pass out because hearing that information was painful?
Bella: Ugh, no, I think I was hit in the back of the head with a frying pan au something.
No one: -Grins sheepishly-
Bella: Now do wewe understand why we all hate you?
-At Cullen house-
Alice: hujambo Bella, check out this pimpin’ wedding dress!
Bella: That’s hot.
Edward: That’s what she said!
Alice and Bella: …
Edward: This is gay. I’m going to the meadow.
Bella: Wait for me!
-At meadow-
Bella: Wow. This is a lot less meaningful than I thought it would be.
Edward: I know. They don’t even have any soda machines here! Just trees. And grass.
Bella: Damn you, nature…
Edward: Exactly. We finally agree on something. Which makes me want to give up and do it with you, and then force wewe into eternal damnation.
Bella: No wait, I—
Edward: -Tries to rape Bella-
Bella: STOP! I have matches AND a lighter! Get the fuck off me! Besides, I have AIDs.
Edward: God, fine, I’ll stop, but only because of the whole STDs thing.
Bella: I wanna keep my virtue.
Edward: Doesn’t that kind of ruin the point of the whole raping thing?
Bella: I guess. But I don’t think wewe want to lose your virginity to plain old me.
Edward: No, I’M not good enough for YOU! Woe is me…
Bella: Save it for Jasper. He’d appreciate your impersonation.
Edward: So we’re NOT going to have sex?
Bella: Nope.
Edward: Damn.
Bella: Let’s try something equally as dangerous. Telling Charlie!
Edward: Good luck staying out of his line of bullet fire! Muahaha!
