Ho ho ho, everybody. Merry Christmas. It’s the final siku of the 25 Days of krisimasi and boy, did I save a big stinker for last. Considered one of the worst games of all time on a technical level, Ride to Hell: Retribution was dead on arrival. No game in the modern age had got as much attention for being as much of a broken mess as Ride to Hell… except maybe Fallout 76. Published kwa Deep Silver and developed kwa Eutechnyx (Yeah, try pronouncing that one), Ride to Hell had bigger ambitions than what we got. It was planned to be an open world sandbox game set in the 70s, playing as a bigger gang on the road for revenge. The game was meant to be so much more. But what we got instead was something truly special, if for all the right reasons.



So Ride to Hell starts us off with, without explanation, without reason, with a turret section, as wewe gun down enemies awkwardly as they run at you. This is the first thing wewe do in the game. And after that, an awkward quick-time event that feels weightless and goofy. But we do get to the story, in a flashback. au was this a flash forward? I don’t know. Anyway, our rough and tough hero is Jake, coming back from the war to meet his family. But after his brother runs off in fear and having a talk with him on your motorcycles with an engine that is louder than the voices, we have a run in with a deadly gang looking for Jake’s brother. Another motorcycle chase ensues as wewe try to kick everyone in the face and knock them off their bikes, and bikes don’t just crash. They explode in a firey glory. It’s kinda beautiful how every motorcycle just explodes on impact with a wooden fence. So after some zaidi cutscenes that completely lack sound, Jake’s brother is killed and Jake is shot in the stomach, but he’s okay. Okay enough to get back onto his bike and swear revenge on the gang. And from there, we can finally get a feeling of on foot combat, and it is putrid. wewe get a series of combos but all the enemies just rush wewe in the same order, one at a time. Do not bother with the one hit ngumi, punch combo. Instead, kick all the enemies that run at wewe in the dick for maximum cheese. They can’t break out of your defenses. I tested this on every enemy I could and was successful each and every time. And then we get the gun. Always aim for the head. It’s like zombies and the enemies make no effort to stop rushing toward you. Just keep the gun aimed at the head and moto for an insta kill. They present themselves to get shot, so might as well.
So we get to another driving section, this time with the cops, and they really don’t want Jake to get through. They are kamikaze dive bombing their cars into poles and blowing them up to keep Jake from reaching his destination. The relentless nature of these guys is absurd that I just can’t help but laugh. What I can’t laugh at is when we get into the city and have a run in with a woman arguing with her man, adn once wewe beat him up, wewe get a special cutscene where wewe have fully clothed sex with this woman. Yes, really. It’s as hot as watching lifeless dolls slamming their crotches together, but even that could get some people going. This is just sad. After that, we reach a camp and we gotta get in. And this entire section perfectly describes the absurd madness that is Ride to Hell. To get through the fence, Jake goes over to a gas station and steals a semi truck. Now what does Jake do? A: Use the truck as a platform and climb over the fence. B: Ram the fence using the truck. au C. Kill the driver, drive down the road smashing into police with a truck that has no weight to it and feels like a motorcycle, goes to the dam in the city, kills all of the dam workers, lights the truck on fire, blows it up along with the dam, cutting off the power to the electric fence and just walking through the front door… Hmm. Yeah, this game is amazing.
Ride to Hell is truly the full package when it comes to a game that is so bad, that it is hilarious. This is Big Rigs levels of amazing. I think that everyone should get their hands on this game. No, I’m serious. This is some shit like The Room. This is a game that is so broken and terrible that it turns around and becomes far zaidi entertaining. I believe that any piece of media should strive to be entertaining, even if for the wrong reasons. I’d rather wewe have a fucking disaster of a game rather than a middle of the road, boring as shit game. I see myself coming back to Ride to Hell way zaidi than say Rogue Warrior. Grab some bros, grab some brews and grab a copy of Ride to Hell and have a good ol time. And with that, the krisimasi season is over. Stay tuned for when I do something equally as time consuming.