Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core™ au Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding au salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach, pwani in tight, white shorts. But my inayopendelewa feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell wewe how salama and secure I feel each mwezi knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.
Have wewe ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from “the curse”? I’m guessing wewe haven’t. Well, my “time of the month” is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few dakika from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call “an inbred hillbilly with kisu skills.” Isn’t the human body amazing?
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’ monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, wewe must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. wewe surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written kwa drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, wewe of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy Period.”
Are wewe fucking kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness—actual smiling, laughing happiness—is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything “happy” about a siku in which wewe have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so wewe don’t march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting bunduki and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the upendo of God, pull your head out, man. If wewe just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make zaidi sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like “Put Down the Hammer” au “Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong”? au are wewe just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one dakika miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX
See? This person had the guts to write that. now, i thank them and also insist for your health, no riffles, hammers, au running over people. now, u got that?
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core™ au Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding au salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach, pwani in tight, white shorts. But my inayopendelewa feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell wewe how salama and secure I feel each mwezi knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.
Have wewe ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from “the curse”? I’m guessing wewe haven’t. Well, my “time of the month” is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few dakika from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call “an inbred hillbilly with kisu skills.” Isn’t the human body amazing?
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’ monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, wewe must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. wewe surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written kwa drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, wewe of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy Period.”
Are wewe fucking kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness—actual smiling, laughing happiness—is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything “happy” about a siku in which wewe have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so wewe don’t march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting bunduki and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the upendo of God, pull your head out, man. If wewe just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make zaidi sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like “Put Down the Hammer” au “Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong”? au are wewe just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one dakika miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX
See? This person had the guts to write that. now, i thank them and also insist for your health, no riffles, hammers, au running over people. now, u got that?
