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“The dolphin Who Hired Me”
“The Penguins of Madagascar”
Season 4, Episode 6 (4X06)
Production Code: 406
Air date: ?
Previous: “It Happened One Afternoon” Next: “Crazy Old Cat Lady”
*Note: This episode is set in the time between “The Hoboken Surprise”, “The Return of the Revenge of Dr. Blowhole”, and ends after the events of “The penguin, auk Who Loved Me”
Scene I: The Platypus Habitat
(Three Years Ago) (Night Time)
(Camera zooms in on Parker in his habitat, leaning on one elbow, half in the water, and half out)
Parker: (Sighs dramatically) I hate Seaville! No freedom, no privacy. I’m letting my mercenary skills wither up and die, for Pete’s sake!
(Looks disgustedly at the bowl of chakula on the concrete island in the center of his habitat)
Parker: And the slop they make us eat is worse! No…performing is worse! Ugh! I need an escape plan! I’ll go crazy if I don’t get the heck out of here!
(Manfredi walks up to the fence of the adjacent habitat)
Manfredi: Sounds to me like you’re already going crazy, Parker! wewe know, we’re always here if wewe need to vent. I mean, what are Marafiki for? No use in talking to yourself like a nut job.
(Johnson joins Manfredi. They both flip over into Parker’s habitat)
Johnson: (Walks up to Parker) But compared to some of us, wewe have it good here.
Parker: (With dry wit) Oh yeah, Johnny-Boy? What could be worse than this? (Waves his paw around, vaguely indication his present situation)
Johnson: Take Doris, for example-
Parker: (Flips up out of the water and over on to the concrete island) Doris? That doey-eyed dame who’s got the hots for me?
Manfredi: Yeah! Her older brother’s coming here in a few days to be a new act for this dump, and let me tell you, buddy; this guy is bad news.
Parker: How can…what’s-his-name –Francis- be a bad guy? I’ve heard a boatload of good things about him, from what little I’ve listened to Doris’ babbling.
Johnson: Trust us, Parker. This guy makes The Red squirrel seem like a kitten! He’s hiding something. Something big. Looks can really be deceiving. Like Freddy and me, for instance.
Parker: (Intrigued) Oh? Really, now?
Manfredi: Yup! The eye patches? Fake. Our casts? Fake.
Parker: Your molting?
Manfredi: Those are actually real. But the eye patches make us look dashing! Anyways, we get into these dumb disguises every morning to that management won’t put us in an act. We want out of here as much as wewe do. Besides, those overcharged tourists with their screaming, popcorn-throwing kids are demanding zaidi and zaidi acts, so we’d better get out of dodge while we still can
Johnson: Besides, we have better things to do in the meantime. (He assumes a fighting stance)
Parker: I knew it! wewe guys are agents, too! Looks like whoever trained wewe guys to fight knew what they were doing. You’re actually very good.
Johnson: We were trained kwa the best. So, now wewe know you’re not the only trained agent in this place. But, our leader, Skipper actually thinks we’re dead, so-
Parker: He doesn’t know you’re here? Why haven’t wewe contacted him?
Manfredi: The reason why he thinks we’re dead is actually because-
(Flashlight beams shine from the distance)
Johnson: Freddy, we’d better get out of here! Those guards are back!
Manfredi: Sorry, Parker, we gotta split. Good luck going crazy!
(They quickly flip back into their habitat, just as the guards onyesha up)
Parker: I have to think of an escape plan, and fast, but I can’t rely on Freddy and Johnny. It’d look too suspicious with three wanyama missing. But who could possibly help me?
Manfredi: (Calls out to Parker) Some of us are trying to sleep, Parker! Keep your planning to yourself, inayofuata time, if you’d be so kind.
(Parker scowls, and attempts to go to sleep)
Scene II: Cargo Hold of an Express Train
(The inayofuata Morning)
*The following scenes are set siku of, and several days after the events of “The Hoboken Surprise”
(Camera shows the exterior of a crate with air holes drilled into it. It zooms in and passes through the crate, inaonyesha its contents; Dr. Blowhole)
Blowhole: Ugh… would it kill these stupid humans to get a larger crate?!
(He rolls over on to his back)
Blowhole: Patience, Francis. You’ll get out of here eventually. And when wewe do, wewe can…Why am I talking to myself like that? Why am I talking to myself at all?? I suppose I could sneak a chat with Hans. (Snorts in derision) probably, that kooky Dane is sharing his latest pastry recipe with his Marafiki in Hoboken!
(He presses a button on his robotic eye, and a holographic video chat screen appears in front of his face, which flashes “Contacting User: PuffinMuffin1234”)
(Hans’ face appears on the screen. Explosions go off behind him)
Hans: (Is too close to the camera, and we see a close-up of his tongue, fogging up the screen with his breath) hello? Is this thing on? (Backs up) Oh! Hello, Dr. mammal-Fish!
Blowhole: (Barks out) Hans! What did I tell wewe about watching action sinema on the job?!
Hans: (Defensively) I am not watching action movies! I am in Hoboken!
Blowhole: Yes, in Hoboken. Not the rendezvous point we agreed on, in Shanghai. I gave wewe that deadline /two weeks ago/! What’s the holdup, wewe little puffball??
Hans: It doesn’t matter! The Penguins are here too!
Blowhole: No! Don’t capture them! The timing isn’t right. And what are they doing in Hoboken, anyway?
Hans: We were trapped in a dungeon kwa this crazy zookeeper lady who made robot clones of us, and now we’re fighting them.
Blowhole: (Tried hard not to control his anger) Hans…that is without a doubt the most ridiculous lie you’ve ever told me!
Hans: It’s true! Look!(Angles the camera downward, where the Hoboken Zoo animals, and the Penguins can be seen fighting their biomechanical android clones)
Blowhole: Hm. So it is. Well, get out of there as fast as those stubby little puffin legs of yours can carry you, and head to Shanghai immediately. I’m about to be let out of the train soon.
Hans: (Whines petulantly) But how am I going to get there? I can’t fly in Economy Class!
Blowhole: Not my problem. Look, wewe little imbecile, the train is stopping! I have to go. Goodbye. (He shuts off the screen just as the train shudders to a stop)
(The crate sways as it is picked up)
(Two guards heft it on to their shoulders)
Guard #1: Why do /we/ gotta carry this thing? Ain’t this the handler’s jobs?
Guard #2: We’re understaffed now. But, jeez! What’s in this thing, rocks?
Guard #1: (Starts walking towards the van) No, our new dolphin. Let’s hope this guy is better than those two crummy penguins that are too sick to perform. Say, what happened to them this time?
Guard # 2: I think they both broke their wings….again.
(The crate is set down in the back of the van)
(Camera shows the interior of the crate again)
Blowhole: (Smiles evilly) So it begins!
Scene III: The Platypus Habitat
(Parker is swimming on his back, and then heads up to the gate when he sees the two Guards struggle to carry the crate)
Parker: Must be the new guy. Ha! (Calls out) Hey, Manfredi! Johnson! wewe gotta come see this!
(The Guards open the crate, and release Blowhole into the habitat to the left of Parker’s)
(The Guards then walk past Parker and head towards The penguin, auk habitat)
Parker: Guys, what’s going on?
(The Guards pick up Manfredi and Johnson)
Manfredi: (Calls over the Guards shoulder) We broke our wings for real this time! (He laughs hysterically) (winces) Ow!
Parker: (Laughing and shaking his head) Those guys will fall apart one of these days! Hmn. I guess I’d better go say hi to the new guy.
Parker: (Calls to Blowhole) Hey! New guy!
Blowhole: (snaps) What?! (Sees Parker’s eyes narrow in suspicion) (Says cheerfully) Um… I mean, hi new neighbor! My name’s Francis, but wewe can call me Flippy! I hope we’re gonna be the best of friends!
Parker: Look, bub. I don’t know what game you’re playing, but I can spot an act like that a mile away. It’s obvious that this whole “Flippy” thing wewe got going on is a charade. (He flicks a speck of dirt off his tail nonchalantly)
Blowhole: (Throws his flippers up in the air in defeat) Fine! wewe caught me! Either you’re very good at sniffing out a lit, au I’ve grown rusty with my acting.
Parker: Now, Francis- if that’s even your real name- who are wewe really?
Blowhole: My name is Doctor Francis Blowhole, PhD. I am an evil scientist bent on flooding the Earth so I can rule over a water-filled domain.
Parker: You’re pulling my leg!
Blowhole: Not even twitching the cuff of your pants. I have the certificate to onyesha you-
Parker: I’ll take your word for it. This is a big reveal, not a job interview. I don’t care about your credentials. ( A wheedling tone to his voice) Now…seeing as how you’re a scientist…do wewe think wewe can help me get out of here?
Blowhole: (Swims up to the fence) If I’m to take wewe up on your offer, it is /I/ that must know /your/ credentials.
Parker: Parker the platypus, at your service! I’d bow if I were standing. I’m a trained mercenary, a bit of a gun-for-hire. No maswali asked. I specialize in double-agent jobs, reconnaissance, and Ponzi schemes. I can fight, lie, and cheat my way out nearly anything. Plus my natural good looks, and the poison spurs at the heels of my feet- they can stun anyone who comes in contact with them. Some kind of venom, I think. Anyways, those two things are a failsafe. I also make one darn good quiche!
Blowhole: Very impressive! I think I may have some use for wewe after all, Parker.
Parker: Just tell me what wewe need done.
Blowhole: Let me tell wewe all about my arch foes… (His voice gets lower and lower as the flashback begins)
Scene IV: penguin, auk HQ (Inside)
(Kowalski is in his lab, working. His back is facing the camera. Skipper walks in)
Skipper: What does this new doohickey do?
Kowalski: (Jumps, startled) Gah! Good golly, Skipper, wewe scared me! (Fumbles around with the device) It’s a new power cell I’m working on.
Skipper: (Examines it) Glowy, shiny… I like the look of it. Is it unstable?
Kowalski: wewe bet it is. Highly. It has a few….kinks... that I must work out, but it’s the wave of the future! It’ll power anything except for small devices such as cell phones, and MP3 players.
Skipper: (Considers this) Hm…why MP3 players?
Kowalski: It causes any small device to go into hyper mode and-
Skipper: So long as it doesn’t turn into some kind of giant, flying mind control device, I say keep on keeping on! And speaking of MP3 players, I have to go help Ringtail. He’s all bent out of shape because he Lost the charger for his MP3 player.
(Skipper exits, leaving Kowalski alone in the lab)
Kowalski: Giant flying mind controlling MP3 players! (Chuckles) And yet Skipper calls /me/ unstable!
(He steps on a test tube, which rolls, causing him to slip)
Kowalski: (Falls flat on his back) Ok… maybe I /am/ unstable.
Scene V: The dolphin Habitat
(Night)
(Parker leans against the fence while Blowhole paces back and forth on his Segway)
Parker: So, fish-face; brief me. What do wewe need me to do?
Blowhole: My /entire/ plan is to take control of the zoo, and turn the remaining peng-yoo-ins evil, so they will do my bidding. I’ll need your help in quelling any resistance in the zoo. From that point, once I have no-one in my way, I’m free to conquer the city, the tri-state area, the nation, and finally the world. /Then/ I shall unleash Project: Bad Tidings, where I will flood the Earth kwa changing the moon’s gravitational pull, to ensure my leadership stays secure.
Parker: Aside from that, is there something…I don’t know…more….interesting that wewe need me to do?
Blowhole: (Stops pacing) Of course! To distract the peng-yoo-ins, I’ll need your help. The one current, strong link we have to the peng-yoo-ins is my little sister, Doris. I need wewe to do your double agent…thingy that wewe do, and woo her.
Parker: (Uncertain) Woo..her?
Blowhole: Yes! She’s absolutely head over fins in upendo with you. It shouldn’t prove too difficult for an agent of your caliber to get to the peng-yoo-ins through her. Their second-in-command is absolutely gaga for her, and will do anything she says, so if you’re there to distract them while I slip into Manhattan undetected, it should work!
Parker: But what about this Skipper guy? Where does he figure into all this?
Blowhole: Hans and I have that covered. Without their leader, the remnants of Team Pang-yoo-in will be defenseless. But -and this is a very important “but”- should anything go wrong, I’ll need wewe to improvise. Do whatever wewe need to do to ensure Bad Tidings launches without difficulty.
Parker: Sounds simple enough. I’m in! But, I don’t come cheap, wewe know.
Blowhole: You’ll get paid. I promise. Now, there’s Doris. Go and woo her, wewe Casanova!
(Camera does a close-up of Parker’s face, plastered with an expression of frozen fear)
Scene VI: penguin, auk HQ (Inside)
(One Week Later)
Skipper: Good to finally be back from that filthy horror of a city!
(The Penguins enter from the back door. Kowalski opens it, and a giant pile of letters falls on juu of them)
(Their heads pop out amidst a sea of mail)
Private: Could we have really missed /this/ much mail in the past week?
Skipper: Status report, Kowalski!
Kowalski: (Glances around) It would appear to be mostly bills, assorted junk, taka mail, Rico’s “Ms. Perky Digest” (Holds up a magazine with a cover image of a collector holding a Ms. Perky doll) and-
Rico: (Lunges at Kowalski and grabs the magazine) Ooh! Gimme, gimme gimme!
(He jumps down from the pile of mail, causing some envelopes to scatter, and reads the magazine, eagerly, in a corner)
(An envelope flutters on juu of Skipper’s head)
Skipper: (Annoyed, takes it off, and opens it) (Skipper’s Voice Over. His eyes widen as he reads it) “I have planted a bomb in Dim Sum headed for the Western Market. If wewe wish to stop this, be at Pier 34 in Shanghai on September 9th.”
Private: (Notices Skipper’s expression) What’s the matter?
Skipper: Nothing. Just a letter about my aunt in Pittsburgh who caught a rare tropical disease. Now, let’s get this cleaned up!
Kowalski: (Aside, to Private) What was that all about?
Private: He didn’t really say. Something about Pittsburgh and a rare tropical aunt. I’m sure it’s nothing. Let’s get this cleaned up.
(Kowalski faces the camera, with a bewildered look on his face. Shrugs, and picks up envelopes)
Scene VII: Blowhole’s Submarine
*The night before “The Return of the Revenge of Dr. Blowhole”
(Parker, Blowhole, and Hans all laugh)
Parker: wewe should have seen her! It was almost like I proposed!
Blowhole: She was always like that, even as a baby!
Hans: (Wipes away a tear) And then what happened, Mr. Duck-Beaver?
Parker: (Suddenly grows serious) Look, bub... my name is Parker, not “Mr. Duck-Beaver”. It’s no zaidi my name than his is “Dr. Mammal-Fish”! wewe got that?
Hans: Ok, Mr. Beaver-Duck. I got it.
Parker: (Aside, to Blowhole) wewe sure this puffball is of sound mind and body? He seems a bit…fruity in the loops to me.
Hans: (Offended) Hey! I heard that!
Parker: (Smirks) wewe were meant to!
Blowhole: Boys, please! Stop fighting! We’re delayed enough as it is! Now, Parker…Before we begin, Doris is my little sister, and I don’t want to hear any complaints about you, no matter how…dramatic...she gets. Treat her right. And Hans… learn how to say our names properly, au you’re off the mission!
(Dramatic close-up)
Blowhole: Now let’s go capture us a peng-yoo-in!
Scene VIII: The dolphin Habitat
*One siku after “The Return of the Revenge of Dr. Blowhole”
Parker: (With fake surprise) (To Doris) He’s been /what/?
Doris: (Sobbing uncontrollably) It was just like I said, sweetie! He..he’s been taken back to Coney Island!! (Sobs on his shoulder. Parker stiffens, as if he doesn’t want to be close to her at all)
Parker: (Gently) Why Coney, though?
Doris: (Still sobs) It was the closest place they could find to house him until the investigation is done. (Sniffles) By…by the way….w-what was he even doing all the way in Manhattan, anyway?
Parker: I wish I knew, sugar. I’ll bet the folks over at Coney think he’s back there for good, au something. (With growing bitterness) They’ll force him to perform in the meantime, and say “ Welcome the long-awaited return of Flippy” and I won’t get paid ‘til who-knows-when, and-
(Stops when he sees the bewildered look on Doris’ face)
Doris: (Has calmed down) Um…right… but, baby cakes, we have to get him out of this place once he gets back here! I’m sure he hates it here as much as I do. I’m used to open spaces, like New York harbor, where I grew up. Beautiful place, kwa the way. (Flirtatiously) Maybe we should have a romantic picnic there.
Parker: (Stammers) M-maybe. (Regains his composure) I remember him telling me that he loved it here, once. But maybe after this, he’ll have changed. His mind, I mean. N-not Lost his memory like one of his lobster, kamba henchmen told me, au anything crazy like that! (He manages a nervous chuckle)
Doris: (Laughs) lobster, kamba henchmen! Oh, baby, wewe know just how to cheer me up! I’m so glad we’re dating! (She rests her head on his shoulder, lovingly)
Parker: (Flatly) Yeah… me too.
Doris: But how will we get him out of here?
Parker: Now’s the time for me to step up…. Doris, do wewe still talk to Kowalski? Maybe he can help.
Scene IX: The penguin, auk Habitat (Seaville) (topside)
*Two years after the events of “The Return of the Revenge of Dr. Blowhole”
(Manfredi and Johnson are sitting on the concrete ice floe on their habitat, playing “Stomp the Wombat”)
Manfredi: I guess it’s for the best that Blowhole’s Lost his memory. (He lays down a card)
Johnson: wewe “guess”? It’s great! The world’s been without its most evil villain for two years! (He sets down a card)
Manfredi: Yeah…. But now he’s all cheerful and annoying.
Johnson: It’s pretty bad for Doris, but I’m zaidi worried about Parker than anybody. Did wewe see him and Blowhole talking back then? Us and him used to be best pals! Thick as thieves! Now it’s like he hates us. And I’m pretty sure he’s up to something!
(Parker walks up behind Johnson, who drops his hand of cards)
Parker: (Hisses in his ear-hole) Darn right I have something planned! Now, keep your beaks shut before I shut them for you! I’m getting out of here, and if it means becoming a bad guy, I’ll do it! (He sighs) it’s nothing personal, guys…. It’s just business. (Crosses over to Manfredi, and looks at the hand of cards he’s holding) kwa the way, Johnson; Manfredi’s cheating.
(Walks off, leaving them arguing)
Scene X: The Wreckage of Blowhole’s Lair
*Set after the events of “The penguin, auk Who Loved Me”
(Blowhole and Parker are floating on a chunk of wood, drifting close to the deserted island where Skipper was sent to when he Lost his memories)
(Parker is jabbing Blowhole with his poison spurs)
Blowhole: I think we’ve been through this already! Number one, your venom doesn’t affect me; only smaller animals, and Number two, my checkbook was incinerated!
Parker: (Fiercely) I’m not gonna stop, fish-face! I’ve been dating that ugly, clingy sister of yours for two stinkin’ years now while wewe were off being Flippy!
Blowhole: My sister is /not/ ugly! If anyone is, it’s you, and your….duck-like…beaverness, wewe little freak of nature! (Presses a button on his mechanical eye)
Parker: Wait…what are you-
(Blowhole’s submarine emerges out of the water)
Blowhole: (Smugly) Remote-accessed autopilot. My own design- (Parker clambers off of Blowhole and onto the submarine) hey! What are wewe doing?
Parker: (Opens the hatch of the submarine) We both know wewe were going to double-cross me and leave me here while wewe drive away in your little submarine.
Blowhole: How /dare/ wewe do this to me! You’ve got some-
Parker: (Sing-songy) Hello! I’m a villain…or at the very least, a secondary antagonist! Duh! You’ve made me this way, remember? (Climbs in it) I think this hunk of tin will zaidi than cover my pay, don’t you? (Smirks) Besides….maybe I’ll come back for you…but, maybe not. wewe never know! But, I have a few old Marafiki to pick up. Manfredi and Johnson deserve to get out of that nightmarish aquarium zaidi than anyone!
Blowhole: wewe can’t do this to me! I’m Dr. Blowhole! I’m-
(Parker shuts the hatch, cutting Blowhole off as the submarine begins to dive)
Parker: (Punches the coordinates of Seaville, relaxes, and pilots the sub) (Snickers a bit) Yeah, I’m /totally/ not coming back!
Voice Cast:
Skipper: Tom McGrath
Kowalski: Jeff Glenn Bennett
Rico: John DiMaggio
Private: James Patrick Stuart
Parker: Ty Burrell
Dr. Blowhole: Neil Patrick Harris
Doris: Calista Flockhart
Hans: John DiMaggio
Manfredi: James Patrick Stuart
Johnson: Danny Jacobs
Guard #1: John DiMaggio
Guard #2: Kevin Michael Richardson
“The dolphin Who Hired Me”
“The Penguins of Madagascar”
Season 4, Episode 6 (4X06)
Production Code: 406
Air date: ?
Previous: “It Happened One Afternoon” Next: “Crazy Old Cat Lady”
*Note: This episode is set in the time between “The Hoboken Surprise”, “The Return of the Revenge of Dr. Blowhole”, and ends after the events of “The penguin, auk Who Loved Me”
Scene I: The Platypus Habitat
(Three Years Ago) (Night Time)
(Camera zooms in on Parker in his habitat, leaning on one elbow, half in the water, and half out)
Parker: (Sighs dramatically) I hate Seaville! No freedom, no privacy. I’m letting my mercenary skills wither up and die, for Pete’s sake!
(Looks disgustedly at the bowl of chakula on the concrete island in the center of his habitat)
Parker: And the slop they make us eat is worse! No…performing is worse! Ugh! I need an escape plan! I’ll go crazy if I don’t get the heck out of here!
(Manfredi walks up to the fence of the adjacent habitat)
Manfredi: Sounds to me like you’re already going crazy, Parker! wewe know, we’re always here if wewe need to vent. I mean, what are Marafiki for? No use in talking to yourself like a nut job.
(Johnson joins Manfredi. They both flip over into Parker’s habitat)
Johnson: (Walks up to Parker) But compared to some of us, wewe have it good here.
Parker: (With dry wit) Oh yeah, Johnny-Boy? What could be worse than this? (Waves his paw around, vaguely indication his present situation)
Johnson: Take Doris, for example-
Parker: (Flips up out of the water and over on to the concrete island) Doris? That doey-eyed dame who’s got the hots for me?
Manfredi: Yeah! Her older brother’s coming here in a few days to be a new act for this dump, and let me tell you, buddy; this guy is bad news.
Parker: How can…what’s-his-name –Francis- be a bad guy? I’ve heard a boatload of good things about him, from what little I’ve listened to Doris’ babbling.
Johnson: Trust us, Parker. This guy makes The Red squirrel seem like a kitten! He’s hiding something. Something big. Looks can really be deceiving. Like Freddy and me, for instance.
Parker: (Intrigued) Oh? Really, now?
Manfredi: Yup! The eye patches? Fake. Our casts? Fake.
Parker: Your molting?
Manfredi: Those are actually real. But the eye patches make us look dashing! Anyways, we get into these dumb disguises every morning to that management won’t put us in an act. We want out of here as much as wewe do. Besides, those overcharged tourists with their screaming, popcorn-throwing kids are demanding zaidi and zaidi acts, so we’d better get out of dodge while we still can
Johnson: Besides, we have better things to do in the meantime. (He assumes a fighting stance)
Parker: I knew it! wewe guys are agents, too! Looks like whoever trained wewe guys to fight knew what they were doing. You’re actually very good.
Johnson: We were trained kwa the best. So, now wewe know you’re not the only trained agent in this place. But, our leader, Skipper actually thinks we’re dead, so-
Parker: He doesn’t know you’re here? Why haven’t wewe contacted him?
Manfredi: The reason why he thinks we’re dead is actually because-
(Flashlight beams shine from the distance)
Johnson: Freddy, we’d better get out of here! Those guards are back!
Manfredi: Sorry, Parker, we gotta split. Good luck going crazy!
(They quickly flip back into their habitat, just as the guards onyesha up)
Parker: I have to think of an escape plan, and fast, but I can’t rely on Freddy and Johnny. It’d look too suspicious with three wanyama missing. But who could possibly help me?
Manfredi: (Calls out to Parker) Some of us are trying to sleep, Parker! Keep your planning to yourself, inayofuata time, if you’d be so kind.
(Parker scowls, and attempts to go to sleep)
Scene II: Cargo Hold of an Express Train
(The inayofuata Morning)
*The following scenes are set siku of, and several days after the events of “The Hoboken Surprise”
(Camera shows the exterior of a crate with air holes drilled into it. It zooms in and passes through the crate, inaonyesha its contents; Dr. Blowhole)
Blowhole: Ugh… would it kill these stupid humans to get a larger crate?!
(He rolls over on to his back)
Blowhole: Patience, Francis. You’ll get out of here eventually. And when wewe do, wewe can…Why am I talking to myself like that? Why am I talking to myself at all?? I suppose I could sneak a chat with Hans. (Snorts in derision) probably, that kooky Dane is sharing his latest pastry recipe with his Marafiki in Hoboken!
(He presses a button on his robotic eye, and a holographic video chat screen appears in front of his face, which flashes “Contacting User: PuffinMuffin1234”)
(Hans’ face appears on the screen. Explosions go off behind him)
Hans: (Is too close to the camera, and we see a close-up of his tongue, fogging up the screen with his breath) hello? Is this thing on? (Backs up) Oh! Hello, Dr. mammal-Fish!
Blowhole: (Barks out) Hans! What did I tell wewe about watching action sinema on the job?!
Hans: (Defensively) I am not watching action movies! I am in Hoboken!
Blowhole: Yes, in Hoboken. Not the rendezvous point we agreed on, in Shanghai. I gave wewe that deadline /two weeks ago/! What’s the holdup, wewe little puffball??
Hans: It doesn’t matter! The Penguins are here too!
Blowhole: No! Don’t capture them! The timing isn’t right. And what are they doing in Hoboken, anyway?
Hans: We were trapped in a dungeon kwa this crazy zookeeper lady who made robot clones of us, and now we’re fighting them.
Blowhole: (Tried hard not to control his anger) Hans…that is without a doubt the most ridiculous lie you’ve ever told me!
Hans: It’s true! Look!(Angles the camera downward, where the Hoboken Zoo animals, and the Penguins can be seen fighting their biomechanical android clones)
Blowhole: Hm. So it is. Well, get out of there as fast as those stubby little puffin legs of yours can carry you, and head to Shanghai immediately. I’m about to be let out of the train soon.
Hans: (Whines petulantly) But how am I going to get there? I can’t fly in Economy Class!
Blowhole: Not my problem. Look, wewe little imbecile, the train is stopping! I have to go. Goodbye. (He shuts off the screen just as the train shudders to a stop)
(The crate sways as it is picked up)
(Two guards heft it on to their shoulders)
Guard #1: Why do /we/ gotta carry this thing? Ain’t this the handler’s jobs?
Guard #2: We’re understaffed now. But, jeez! What’s in this thing, rocks?
Guard #1: (Starts walking towards the van) No, our new dolphin. Let’s hope this guy is better than those two crummy penguins that are too sick to perform. Say, what happened to them this time?
Guard # 2: I think they both broke their wings….again.
(The crate is set down in the back of the van)
(Camera shows the interior of the crate again)
Blowhole: (Smiles evilly) So it begins!
Scene III: The Platypus Habitat
(Parker is swimming on his back, and then heads up to the gate when he sees the two Guards struggle to carry the crate)
Parker: Must be the new guy. Ha! (Calls out) Hey, Manfredi! Johnson! wewe gotta come see this!
(The Guards open the crate, and release Blowhole into the habitat to the left of Parker’s)
(The Guards then walk past Parker and head towards The penguin, auk habitat)
Parker: Guys, what’s going on?
(The Guards pick up Manfredi and Johnson)
Manfredi: (Calls over the Guards shoulder) We broke our wings for real this time! (He laughs hysterically) (winces) Ow!
Parker: (Laughing and shaking his head) Those guys will fall apart one of these days! Hmn. I guess I’d better go say hi to the new guy.
Parker: (Calls to Blowhole) Hey! New guy!
Blowhole: (snaps) What?! (Sees Parker’s eyes narrow in suspicion) (Says cheerfully) Um… I mean, hi new neighbor! My name’s Francis, but wewe can call me Flippy! I hope we’re gonna be the best of friends!
Parker: Look, bub. I don’t know what game you’re playing, but I can spot an act like that a mile away. It’s obvious that this whole “Flippy” thing wewe got going on is a charade. (He flicks a speck of dirt off his tail nonchalantly)
Blowhole: (Throws his flippers up in the air in defeat) Fine! wewe caught me! Either you’re very good at sniffing out a lit, au I’ve grown rusty with my acting.
Parker: Now, Francis- if that’s even your real name- who are wewe really?
Blowhole: My name is Doctor Francis Blowhole, PhD. I am an evil scientist bent on flooding the Earth so I can rule over a water-filled domain.
Parker: You’re pulling my leg!
Blowhole: Not even twitching the cuff of your pants. I have the certificate to onyesha you-
Parker: I’ll take your word for it. This is a big reveal, not a job interview. I don’t care about your credentials. ( A wheedling tone to his voice) Now…seeing as how you’re a scientist…do wewe think wewe can help me get out of here?
Blowhole: (Swims up to the fence) If I’m to take wewe up on your offer, it is /I/ that must know /your/ credentials.
Parker: Parker the platypus, at your service! I’d bow if I were standing. I’m a trained mercenary, a bit of a gun-for-hire. No maswali asked. I specialize in double-agent jobs, reconnaissance, and Ponzi schemes. I can fight, lie, and cheat my way out nearly anything. Plus my natural good looks, and the poison spurs at the heels of my feet- they can stun anyone who comes in contact with them. Some kind of venom, I think. Anyways, those two things are a failsafe. I also make one darn good quiche!
Blowhole: Very impressive! I think I may have some use for wewe after all, Parker.
Parker: Just tell me what wewe need done.
Blowhole: Let me tell wewe all about my arch foes… (His voice gets lower and lower as the flashback begins)
Scene IV: penguin, auk HQ (Inside)
(Kowalski is in his lab, working. His back is facing the camera. Skipper walks in)
Skipper: What does this new doohickey do?
Kowalski: (Jumps, startled) Gah! Good golly, Skipper, wewe scared me! (Fumbles around with the device) It’s a new power cell I’m working on.
Skipper: (Examines it) Glowy, shiny… I like the look of it. Is it unstable?
Kowalski: wewe bet it is. Highly. It has a few….kinks... that I must work out, but it’s the wave of the future! It’ll power anything except for small devices such as cell phones, and MP3 players.
Skipper: (Considers this) Hm…why MP3 players?
Kowalski: It causes any small device to go into hyper mode and-
Skipper: So long as it doesn’t turn into some kind of giant, flying mind control device, I say keep on keeping on! And speaking of MP3 players, I have to go help Ringtail. He’s all bent out of shape because he Lost the charger for his MP3 player.
(Skipper exits, leaving Kowalski alone in the lab)
Kowalski: Giant flying mind controlling MP3 players! (Chuckles) And yet Skipper calls /me/ unstable!
(He steps on a test tube, which rolls, causing him to slip)
Kowalski: (Falls flat on his back) Ok… maybe I /am/ unstable.
Scene V: The dolphin Habitat
(Night)
(Parker leans against the fence while Blowhole paces back and forth on his Segway)
Parker: So, fish-face; brief me. What do wewe need me to do?
Blowhole: My /entire/ plan is to take control of the zoo, and turn the remaining peng-yoo-ins evil, so they will do my bidding. I’ll need your help in quelling any resistance in the zoo. From that point, once I have no-one in my way, I’m free to conquer the city, the tri-state area, the nation, and finally the world. /Then/ I shall unleash Project: Bad Tidings, where I will flood the Earth kwa changing the moon’s gravitational pull, to ensure my leadership stays secure.
Parker: Aside from that, is there something…I don’t know…more….interesting that wewe need me to do?
Blowhole: (Stops pacing) Of course! To distract the peng-yoo-ins, I’ll need your help. The one current, strong link we have to the peng-yoo-ins is my little sister, Doris. I need wewe to do your double agent…thingy that wewe do, and woo her.
Parker: (Uncertain) Woo..her?
Blowhole: Yes! She’s absolutely head over fins in upendo with you. It shouldn’t prove too difficult for an agent of your caliber to get to the peng-yoo-ins through her. Their second-in-command is absolutely gaga for her, and will do anything she says, so if you’re there to distract them while I slip into Manhattan undetected, it should work!
Parker: But what about this Skipper guy? Where does he figure into all this?
Blowhole: Hans and I have that covered. Without their leader, the remnants of Team Pang-yoo-in will be defenseless. But -and this is a very important “but”- should anything go wrong, I’ll need wewe to improvise. Do whatever wewe need to do to ensure Bad Tidings launches without difficulty.
Parker: Sounds simple enough. I’m in! But, I don’t come cheap, wewe know.
Blowhole: You’ll get paid. I promise. Now, there’s Doris. Go and woo her, wewe Casanova!
(Camera does a close-up of Parker’s face, plastered with an expression of frozen fear)
Scene VI: penguin, auk HQ (Inside)
(One Week Later)
Skipper: Good to finally be back from that filthy horror of a city!
(The Penguins enter from the back door. Kowalski opens it, and a giant pile of letters falls on juu of them)
(Their heads pop out amidst a sea of mail)
Private: Could we have really missed /this/ much mail in the past week?
Skipper: Status report, Kowalski!
Kowalski: (Glances around) It would appear to be mostly bills, assorted junk, taka mail, Rico’s “Ms. Perky Digest” (Holds up a magazine with a cover image of a collector holding a Ms. Perky doll) and-
Rico: (Lunges at Kowalski and grabs the magazine) Ooh! Gimme, gimme gimme!
(He jumps down from the pile of mail, causing some envelopes to scatter, and reads the magazine, eagerly, in a corner)
(An envelope flutters on juu of Skipper’s head)
Skipper: (Annoyed, takes it off, and opens it) (Skipper’s Voice Over. His eyes widen as he reads it) “I have planted a bomb in Dim Sum headed for the Western Market. If wewe wish to stop this, be at Pier 34 in Shanghai on September 9th.”
Private: (Notices Skipper’s expression) What’s the matter?
Skipper: Nothing. Just a letter about my aunt in Pittsburgh who caught a rare tropical disease. Now, let’s get this cleaned up!
Kowalski: (Aside, to Private) What was that all about?
Private: He didn’t really say. Something about Pittsburgh and a rare tropical aunt. I’m sure it’s nothing. Let’s get this cleaned up.
(Kowalski faces the camera, with a bewildered look on his face. Shrugs, and picks up envelopes)
Scene VII: Blowhole’s Submarine
*The night before “The Return of the Revenge of Dr. Blowhole”
(Parker, Blowhole, and Hans all laugh)
Parker: wewe should have seen her! It was almost like I proposed!
Blowhole: She was always like that, even as a baby!
Hans: (Wipes away a tear) And then what happened, Mr. Duck-Beaver?
Parker: (Suddenly grows serious) Look, bub... my name is Parker, not “Mr. Duck-Beaver”. It’s no zaidi my name than his is “Dr. Mammal-Fish”! wewe got that?
Hans: Ok, Mr. Beaver-Duck. I got it.
Parker: (Aside, to Blowhole) wewe sure this puffball is of sound mind and body? He seems a bit…fruity in the loops to me.
Hans: (Offended) Hey! I heard that!
Parker: (Smirks) wewe were meant to!
Blowhole: Boys, please! Stop fighting! We’re delayed enough as it is! Now, Parker…Before we begin, Doris is my little sister, and I don’t want to hear any complaints about you, no matter how…dramatic...she gets. Treat her right. And Hans… learn how to say our names properly, au you’re off the mission!
(Dramatic close-up)
Blowhole: Now let’s go capture us a peng-yoo-in!
Scene VIII: The dolphin Habitat
*One siku after “The Return of the Revenge of Dr. Blowhole”
Parker: (With fake surprise) (To Doris) He’s been /what/?
Doris: (Sobbing uncontrollably) It was just like I said, sweetie! He..he’s been taken back to Coney Island!! (Sobs on his shoulder. Parker stiffens, as if he doesn’t want to be close to her at all)
Parker: (Gently) Why Coney, though?
Doris: (Still sobs) It was the closest place they could find to house him until the investigation is done. (Sniffles) By…by the way….w-what was he even doing all the way in Manhattan, anyway?
Parker: I wish I knew, sugar. I’ll bet the folks over at Coney think he’s back there for good, au something. (With growing bitterness) They’ll force him to perform in the meantime, and say “ Welcome the long-awaited return of Flippy” and I won’t get paid ‘til who-knows-when, and-
(Stops when he sees the bewildered look on Doris’ face)
Doris: (Has calmed down) Um…right… but, baby cakes, we have to get him out of this place once he gets back here! I’m sure he hates it here as much as I do. I’m used to open spaces, like New York harbor, where I grew up. Beautiful place, kwa the way. (Flirtatiously) Maybe we should have a romantic picnic there.
Parker: (Stammers) M-maybe. (Regains his composure) I remember him telling me that he loved it here, once. But maybe after this, he’ll have changed. His mind, I mean. N-not Lost his memory like one of his lobster, kamba henchmen told me, au anything crazy like that! (He manages a nervous chuckle)
Doris: (Laughs) lobster, kamba henchmen! Oh, baby, wewe know just how to cheer me up! I’m so glad we’re dating! (She rests her head on his shoulder, lovingly)
Parker: (Flatly) Yeah… me too.
Doris: But how will we get him out of here?
Parker: Now’s the time for me to step up…. Doris, do wewe still talk to Kowalski? Maybe he can help.
Scene IX: The penguin, auk Habitat (Seaville) (topside)
*Two years after the events of “The Return of the Revenge of Dr. Blowhole”
(Manfredi and Johnson are sitting on the concrete ice floe on their habitat, playing “Stomp the Wombat”)
Manfredi: I guess it’s for the best that Blowhole’s Lost his memory. (He lays down a card)
Johnson: wewe “guess”? It’s great! The world’s been without its most evil villain for two years! (He sets down a card)
Manfredi: Yeah…. But now he’s all cheerful and annoying.
Johnson: It’s pretty bad for Doris, but I’m zaidi worried about Parker than anybody. Did wewe see him and Blowhole talking back then? Us and him used to be best pals! Thick as thieves! Now it’s like he hates us. And I’m pretty sure he’s up to something!
(Parker walks up behind Johnson, who drops his hand of cards)
Parker: (Hisses in his ear-hole) Darn right I have something planned! Now, keep your beaks shut before I shut them for you! I’m getting out of here, and if it means becoming a bad guy, I’ll do it! (He sighs) it’s nothing personal, guys…. It’s just business. (Crosses over to Manfredi, and looks at the hand of cards he’s holding) kwa the way, Johnson; Manfredi’s cheating.
(Walks off, leaving them arguing)
Scene X: The Wreckage of Blowhole’s Lair
*Set after the events of “The penguin, auk Who Loved Me”
(Blowhole and Parker are floating on a chunk of wood, drifting close to the deserted island where Skipper was sent to when he Lost his memories)
(Parker is jabbing Blowhole with his poison spurs)
Blowhole: I think we’ve been through this already! Number one, your venom doesn’t affect me; only smaller animals, and Number two, my checkbook was incinerated!
Parker: (Fiercely) I’m not gonna stop, fish-face! I’ve been dating that ugly, clingy sister of yours for two stinkin’ years now while wewe were off being Flippy!
Blowhole: My sister is /not/ ugly! If anyone is, it’s you, and your….duck-like…beaverness, wewe little freak of nature! (Presses a button on his mechanical eye)
Parker: Wait…what are you-
(Blowhole’s submarine emerges out of the water)
Blowhole: (Smugly) Remote-accessed autopilot. My own design- (Parker clambers off of Blowhole and onto the submarine) hey! What are wewe doing?
Parker: (Opens the hatch of the submarine) We both know wewe were going to double-cross me and leave me here while wewe drive away in your little submarine.
Blowhole: How /dare/ wewe do this to me! You’ve got some-
Parker: (Sing-songy) Hello! I’m a villain…or at the very least, a secondary antagonist! Duh! You’ve made me this way, remember? (Climbs in it) I think this hunk of tin will zaidi than cover my pay, don’t you? (Smirks) Besides….maybe I’ll come back for you…but, maybe not. wewe never know! But, I have a few old Marafiki to pick up. Manfredi and Johnson deserve to get out of that nightmarish aquarium zaidi than anyone!
Blowhole: wewe can’t do this to me! I’m Dr. Blowhole! I’m-
(Parker shuts the hatch, cutting Blowhole off as the submarine begins to dive)
Parker: (Punches the coordinates of Seaville, relaxes, and pilots the sub) (Snickers a bit) Yeah, I’m /totally/ not coming back!
Voice Cast:
Skipper: Tom McGrath
Kowalski: Jeff Glenn Bennett
Rico: John DiMaggio
Private: James Patrick Stuart
Parker: Ty Burrell
Dr. Blowhole: Neil Patrick Harris
Doris: Calista Flockhart
Hans: John DiMaggio
Manfredi: James Patrick Stuart
Johnson: Danny Jacobs
Guard #1: John DiMaggio
Guard #2: Kevin Michael Richardson
Marlene: "Good day, my Lords!"
*Penguins look at Marlene*
Kowalski: "Orbs of great fire!"
Marlene: "I bid you! I know not of thee!"
Skipper: "Greetings! Beauteous are thee...thou art very pretty...Uhh...Wherefore needest it thou? .... *looks at Kowalski* Sir Kowalski,what say you?"
Kowalski: "By my troth! Henceforth thee dwelling midst a mistress!"
Marlene: "I know not that name!"
Kowalski: "Tis most slendid of oppourtunities, dost thee whence of wisdom before shall canst a goodly length in thee past of times!"
Marlene: "Wilt thou speak of thee? I trow not!"
Kowalski: "Mistress fare thee in thou tongue of flibbbergim!"
Marlene: "Thee speak of nonsense, good sir-"
Kowalski: "Incredulous!"
Marlene: "Naught thee! My name be thou- *Kowalski grabs her tongue* MMarr-lenne!"
Skipper,Private and Rico: "Arlene!"
Skipper: "Ye art hath thee hearts of noble men!"
Marlene: "My..lord?"
Skipper: "My lady alisema thee!"
*Penguins look at Marlene*
Kowalski: "Orbs of great fire!"
Marlene: "I bid you! I know not of thee!"
Skipper: "Greetings! Beauteous are thee...thou art very pretty...Uhh...Wherefore needest it thou? .... *looks at Kowalski* Sir Kowalski,what say you?"
Kowalski: "By my troth! Henceforth thee dwelling midst a mistress!"
Marlene: "I know not that name!"
Kowalski: "Tis most slendid of oppourtunities, dost thee whence of wisdom before shall canst a goodly length in thee past of times!"
Marlene: "Wilt thou speak of thee? I trow not!"
Kowalski: "Mistress fare thee in thou tongue of flibbbergim!"
Marlene: "Thee speak of nonsense, good sir-"
Kowalski: "Incredulous!"
Marlene: "Naught thee! My name be thou- *Kowalski grabs her tongue* MMarr-lenne!"
Skipper,Private and Rico: "Arlene!"
Skipper: "Ye art hath thee hearts of noble men!"
Marlene: "My..lord?"
Skipper: "My lady alisema thee!"
