Author’s Note: This is my sixth installment of POM skits. My first was regular link, sekunde was link, third were link, the fourth showcased link in various antics, and the fifth showcased link. This installment is for the Dorski mashabiki and was requested kwa KowalskiGeekGirl. Any title with a Roman Numeral inayofuata to it has a skit note associated with it at the end. I hope wewe enjoy!
51) Brain Dead
“Toss it to me! Toss it to me!” Private called from across the water.
Kowalski hit the beach, pwani ball in his direction. The team had decided to take a vacation at Manhattan Beach, and enjoyed swimming in the warm waters in a secluded area away from the humans.
“I’m open!” Skipper called waving his flippers in the air.
“Help!” a voice called in the distance.
Skipper turned his head to listen, which allowed the beach, pwani ball to hit him in the face in midst his distraction. He glared at Private.
“Sorry,” the young cadet alisema innocently. Skipper dismissed it and they looked around, trying to spot the chanzo of the sound.
“Someone help me, please!” the voice called again.
“Skipper, there!” Kowalski alisema pointing down the coast. There was a figure washed ashore in the distance, seemingly immobilized.
“Move out, men!” Skipper ordered.
The penguins swam to pwani and approached the figure. It was a dolphin Tangled in a mess of old, tattered kaa netting.
“Are wewe all right?” Skipper asked trying to see through the mess.
“Yes, but I can’t move! I’ve been stuck here for hours. The zaidi I struggle, the tighter the net gets,” she explained.
“Don’t worry, we’ll get wewe out,” Skipper assured her. “Rico,” he ordered.
Rico regurgitated a Swiss army kisu and Skipper took it from him. He turned to Kowalski.
“Keep her talking. Make sure she doesn’t move,” he ordered. Kowalski saluted as Skipper moved to the net around her tail end.
“So, what’s your name?” Kowalski asked. He couldn’t see her through the netting.
“Doris,” she answered.
“I’m Kowalski. You’re going to be just fine,” he assured her. “Just keep still, all right?”
“All right,” Doris replied uncomfortably.
Kowalski thought for a moment. “So how did this happen?” he asked.
“I was swimming around near the coast and this net just fell on me. I tried to get it off, but it just wrapped around me. I managed to get to the coastline so I could breathe and the tide pulled me in,” she explained.
Kowalski glanced at Skipper, who’d managed to free half of her tail.
“Lucky wewe were swimming along the coast, then,” Kowalski replied. “You don’t have a pod?”
“No, I like my independence,” Doris replied.
“I see,” Kowalski alisema with a smile. “Just a couple zaidi minutes.”
Skipper cut through some zaidi of the net and Rico and Private pulled the rest of it off her. Doris pushed herself up kwa her flippers and stretched her back and neck. She sighed with relief.
“Thank wewe so much,” she alisema turning to them. She raised an eyebrow. “Oh, you’re penguins. What’s a few penguins doing around here?” she asked.
“We’re from the Central Park Zoo,” Private alisema cheerily. Skipper slapped him. “Sorry, Skipper,” he alisema rubbing his cheek.
Doris nodded slowly. “Um, okay. Well, thank wewe for saving me,” she alisema with a smile. She looked at Kowalski and frowned. “Is he all right?” she asked warily.
Skipper looked at Kowalski, who was staring at Doris with an indecipherable expression.
“Kowalski,” Skipper called. He didn’t respond. Skipper waved his flipper in front of his face—still receiving no response. He slapped him and Kowalski shook his head in confusion.
“Wh-What?” he asked groggily.
“Are wewe awake in there? What’s your deal, soldier?” Skipper asked folding his flippers disapprovingly.
Kowalski stuttered a little bit before finally saying, “S-Sorry.”
Skipper rolled his eyes. “Come on, let’s get her back into the ocean,” he ordered, dismissing Kowalski’s odd behavior.
Skipper and Private took Doris’ tail while Kowalski and Rico grabbed her torso. Kowalski couldn’t help but notice how soft her skin was. Being so close, he caught her eye and swallowed nervously. They were so blue. He snapped out of it when the others started carrying her forward. When they pulled her into the ocean, Doris njiwa under and emerged a moment later, laughing with relief.
“Thank wewe so much!” she alisema happily. She turned to them. “I never caught the rest of your names.”
Skipper swam forward. “I’m the Skipper. The cute one is Private, and this is Rico,” he alisema gesturing to his respective teammates.
“Well, if there’s ever anything I can do to repay you,” she offered.
“Don’t wewe worry about that, Miss,” Skipper assured her.
“Please, call me Doris,” she replied with a smile. “Hope to see wewe boys again.”
“Ditto,” Skipper replied with a salute. Doris njiwa back under and swam off. Skipper turned to his team. “Good work, boys.” He looked at Kowalski and frowned. “Kowalski!”
Kowalski was staring at the water where Doris had njiwa under as if she might resurface there. Stars were in his eyes and he was smiling calmly, as if all was right in the world.
“What’s wrong with him, Skipper?” Private asked.
Skipper studied him. Then he groaned and threw his head back as he smacked his flipper to his forehead.
“What is it, Skipper?” Private asked again. “Is Kowalski ill?”
“Worse,” Skipper alisema rubbing his temples. “He’s in love.”
52) Planning for the Future [XXIV]
“I just don’t understand why you’re so head-over-tail feathers for her,” Skipper alisema rolling his eyes. “She’s rejected you—what, nine times now?”
Kowalski sighed. “I don’t know. I just can’t get over her. She’s so beautiful and perfect, and beautiful,” he alisema going into a daze. He realized Skipper was staring at him and he cleared his throat. “Anyway, I just can’t give up.”
Skipper folded his flippers. “Okay, I understand that. I’m not trying to down your confidence, but I just don’t understand why she would say yes the tenth time wewe asked her when she’s already alisema no nine times. I’m pretty sure she’s not just playing hard to get,” he alisema regretfully.
Kowalski smiled. “Well, once she sees how much I want her, I think she’ll give me a chance,” he alisema optimistically.
“Or just think you’re desperate,” Skipper suggested.
Kowalski frowned and rolled his eyes. “You’ll see. One siku I’m going to win her moyo and become her sekunde husband.”
Skipper arched an eyebrow. “What happened to her first?”
Kowalski narrowed his eyes. “Nothing wewe can prove.”
53) Family Dinner [XXV]
“Francis!” Doris alisema as her brother swam to her at the surface of the ocean. “Happy Thanksgiving!” she alisema wrapping her flippers around her brother’s neck.
“Happy Thanksgiving, dear sister,” her brother replied returning the hug.
“Happy Thanksgiving, son,” an older dolphin alisema as she came over with her flippers open.
Francis hugged his mother. “Happy Thanksgiving, mom,” he told her.
“So, how have wewe been? We haven’t heard from wewe in months! I’ve been worried,” Francis’ mother asked.
“Things have been just fine,” Francis replied bittersweetly. “I’ve just been working on a little project. I can’t give wewe the details, but I assure wewe it will be heartstopping,” he alisema putting a flipper over his moyo with a grin.
Doris arched an eyebrow, but dismissed the maoni with a roll of her eyes.
“Projects,” their mother scoffed, “when are wewe gonna make something of yourself, Francis? Your sister here is putting herself out there, looking for a mate. What are wewe doing? Making projects. When are wewe going to settle down with a nice girl? I want some grandchildren before I sleep with the fishes!” she scolded.
Francis rolled his eyes. “Mother, I told wewe that I’m not interested in romantic relationships right now,” he alisema impatiently. He’d had this conversation with her a million times.
Doris broke in before the argument could continue. “How about we just eat? I spent all morning catching samaki so we could have a nice time together,” she complained.
“Yes, Doris is right, mother,” Francis agreed. “We shouldn’t argue on Thanksgiving.”
Their mother sighed impatiently. “Fine. We’ll have dinner.”
The three of them swam under a dock, where Doris had stashed the samaki she’d caught in a crate she near the shore. They started eating.
“So, how many relationships has it been since I saw wewe last?” Francis asked his sister giving her a sideways glance.
Doris forced a laugh. “Always my brother with a since of humor!” she said. When her mother turned away, she gave him a hard stare and he glared back. They both continued eating like nothing happened when their mother refocused her attention.
“Well, she’s going through a phase,” their mother ametoa maoni with underlying irritability. “She was perfectly fine going with her own kind when she had to start going out with other species.”
“Mom, there’s nothing wrong with trying new things,” Doris complained.
“What kind of species are we talking?” Francis asked arching the brow of his good eye.
“Well,” their mother started before Doris could answer, “there was a manatee, an orca, a penguin, a—”
“Whoa, whoa, wait,” Francis alisema holding up a flipper. “Back up. Did wewe say penguin?” he asked.
“Yes,” Doris alisema with a wave of her flipper, “I went out on one tarehe with him, but I just don’t think we really go together.”
“Yeah, because he’s not your species,” her mother scolded.
Doris rolled her eyes. “Anyways, he keeps asking me for a sekunde chance. I told him we should just be friends, but he keeps pursuing me. I kind of feel sorry for him.”
Francis leaned in closer with an urgent expression. “What’s his name?” he asked narrowing his eyes.
“Kowalski,” Doris answered, eyeing her brother curiously. “Why?”
Francis blinked. Then he eyed the samaki in the crate. “Nothing,” he alisema in a strained voice. “I just Lost my appetite.”
54) Court Marshall
Skipper took his place behind Alice’s dawati in the penguin, auk HQ, wearing Mason’s powdered wig and gripping the chimps’ mallet.
“This court marshall is now in session,” he alisema double-tapping the mallet on the desk. “Our new and improved court reporter is present.”
Maurice sighed. “I still don’t know how to spell, but this is better than waiting on Julien,” he alisema impassively.
Skipper continued. “Prosecution, what are the charges?”
Private adjusted his tie. “Your Honor, I charge the defendant with reckless obsession and endangering a covert operation!” he alisema pointing at Kowalski.
“Defense Attorney Rico,” Skipper said, “your response.”
Rico was paying no attention, and instead had found amusement with balancing several pencils on his beak.
“Can I please have a new defense attorney?!” Kowalski protested angrily.
“Your Honor,” Private started, Kowalski’s request ignored, “let’s go back to the mission in question.”
Private proceeded to explain the situation to the court. The awali night, the penguins had been sent a suspicious note telling them to meet an anonymous person at the harbor.
“All right, men,” Skipper alisema to his teammates as they trailed behind him, “stay frosty.”
Skipper scanned the area around a corner and ushered the team to file out. They ducked around the corner and shuffled along the inayofuata wall. Then they leapt onto their bellies and slid to the pile of crates ahead, hiding behind them.
Skipper turned to his men and made a series of hand gestures that told them to mgawanyiko, baidisha up; Kowalski and Private would go one way and he and Rico would go another. Rico provided each pair with a walkie-talkie. They parted ways.
“Team Sauerkraut, report,” Skipper’s voice alisema on Kowalski and Private’s walkie-talkie.
“Nothing suspicious, Skipper,” Kowalski replied. He furrowed his brow. “Team Sauerkraut?”
“What? I haven’t eaten since lunch,” Skipper replied.
Kowalski and Private rolled their eyes. Then they continued their search.
“We have a visual on a suspect. Identity unknown,” Skipper alisema a few dakika later. “Meet us in Sector Omega Bravo,” he ordered, “by the crate at the southeast corner.”
Kowalski and Private nodded to each other and started to songesha out. Then they heard a splash in the water over the edge of the harbor inayofuata to them.
“Go on, I’ll investigate,” Kowalski alisema to Private. Private nodded and left as Kowalski cautiously approached the edge of the boardwalk.
“Let the record show,” Private continued, bringing everyone’s mind back to the courtroom, “that the sound we heard that night was none other than Doris the dolphin, Kowalski’s upendo interest for seven and a half years!”
“Objection!” Kowalski protested.
“Only your attorney can object,” Skipper alisema pointing his mallet at Rico, who had moved on from the pencils to creating a paper clip motorcycle. Then he started driving it around his little meza, jedwali making engine sounds with his throat. Kowalski facepalmed.
“Go on, Prosecutor Private,” Skipper alisema gesturing with his flipper.
“Let the record also onyesha that he had become so distracted with Doris, that he did not notice his radio become submerged in the ocean, and therefore did not hear our call for backup!” Private explained. He turned to Kowalski. “And what happened while wewe were busy with your little distraction?” he asked giving him a hard look.
Kowalski fidgeted. “Hans escaped,” he answered quietly, “again.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you,” Private alisema leaning in with his flipper cupped around his earhole.
“Hans escaped, all right?” Kowalski answered irritably.
“That’s right,” Private alisema matter-of-factly as he turned toward Skipper.
“Defense Attorney Rico, care to kuvuka, msalaba examine?” he asked Rico, who now was throwing zaidi paper clips at Maurice.
Maurice batted another paper clip away. “Will wewe quit!” he alisema angrily. Rico laughed.
Kowalski buried his face into his flippers. “I hate love.”
55) The Root of the Matter
Skipper entered the HQ to see Kowalski’s lab door cracked open. He heard him mumbling irritably inside, but he couldn’t make out what he was saying. He peeked inside to see him pacing in front of a world map that had thumbtacks placed here and there in the Atlantic Ocean with yarn stretched across them.
“What’s going on, Kowalski?” Skipper asked entering his lab.
Kowalski sideways glanced at him, but then he shook his head with his eyes closed as if trying to concentrate. He continued to mumble to himself.
Skipper rolled his eyes and held up his test tube set. “Kowalski, start talking au the nerd trinkets gets it,” he alisema flatly.
Kowalski turned to him in surprise. “No! Not those!” he alisema lunging mbele and snatching them from his leader. He cradled them in his flippers. “It’s okay, Daddy’s here,” he whispered as he assured himself they weren’t damaged.
Skipper rolled his eyes again. “You want to tell me what’s going on?” he asked impatiently.
Kowalski looked at him irritably and placed his test tube set at the far end of the meza, jedwali away from Skipper. “Not really,” he answered finally.
Skipper folded his flippers. “Well, I’m your commanding officer, so I order wewe to explain to me what you’re doing,” he commanded.
Kowalski sighed. “Um . . . well, I may have heard a rumor that, uh . . .” He finished his sentence inaudibly.
Skipper narrowed his eyes. “You’re making your ‘lovesick for Doris’ face,” he observed suspiciously.
Kowalski blinked and shook his head, his brow lowering in annoyance. “I do not have a lovesick for Doris face,” he objected.
Skipper arched an unconvinced eyebrow. Kowalski broke eye contact.
“What is it this time, Kowalski?” Skipper asked again. “Is she heading for waters off the coast of New York again?”
Kowalski stood his ground. “I alisema this isn’t about Doris,” he argued.
Skipper lifted his head and shifted his weight, giving him a hard stare. Kowalski pouted and folded his flippers. Then he cleared his throat. “I may have heard a rumor that she’s started seeing someone new,” he admitted finally.
Skipper nodded. “Okay, and what’s all this about?” he asked regarding his map.
Kowalski shifted again and studied the floor as if the meaning of life was etched into it. “I may au may not be trying to find her so I can totally not break them up in a way that may au may not be inhumane,” he alisema tracing his toe in an arc in front of him.
He looked back up with Skipper, who was staring at him with disapproval.
“What?” Kowalski cried defensively. “Don’t look at me like that!”
“Kowalski, wewe know it’s Doris’ business who she wants to date,” Skipper said.
“But—!”
“No buts, Kowalski! We have zaidi important things to worry about,” Skipper insisted. Kowalski tried to protest, but Skipper kept cutting him off.
“I—!”
“Nope.”
“But Skip—!”
“Ah!”
“That’s not—!”
“No-ho!” Skipper alisema holding a flipper to Kowalski’s beak. “You need to stop worrying about this so much. wewe know Doris’ relationships don’t last long.”
Kowalski folded his flippers. “That’s not the problem, Skipper. The problem is that they exist in the first place.”
56) Extinguishing the Fire [XXVI]
“I’ll—see wewe later, then?” Kowalski asked with a nervous laugh.
Doris giggled. “Looking mbele to it, Kowalski,” she replied.
Kowalski started laughing nervously as the team started pulling him back. He stumbled over his own feet.
“Come on, Kowalski,” Skipper urged. “We need to go home.”
Kowalski looked at Skipper with a smile. “You’re a good leader, Skipper,” he alisema with slurred speech, as if he were drunk.
Skipper arched an eyebrow as the penguins helped him into the backseat of the car. He put his elbow on the door and propped his face up kwa his fist with an overly-calm look on his face.
“Skipper,” Private said, “I’ve never seen him like this.”
“He’s been pursuing Doris for a long time now, young Private. Now that she’s accepted a relationship with him, he’s gonna be like this for weeks,” Skipper alisema rolling his eyes.
“Hey. Private,” Kowalski alisema to the young cadet that was sitting inayofuata to him.
“Yes, Kowalski?” Private asked watching him carefully.
Kowalski hugged him. “You are the cutest penguin, auk ever. I upendo you, wewe little scamp,” he alisema ruffling the feathers on Private’s head.
“Skipper!” Private protested, like a child complaining about his older brother.
“Kowalski, release the Private,” Skipper alisema from the driver’s seat.
Private finally succeeded in shoving Kowalski back to his side of the seat. He leaned forward.
“Hey, Rico,” he called. Rico turned to look at him from the passenger seat. “I upendo you, too, wewe crazy nut,” he alisema reaching for his head to ruffle his feathers, too, but Rico batted his flipper away. Kowalski leaned over the kiti, kiti cha trying to hug him. “Don’t fight it, Rico! Come here, wewe beautiful person!”
Rico started to protest and fought to get the lovestruck Kowalski off him. Skipper started yelling at them to stop, but no one could hear him over Kowalski and Rico arguing.
“You two stop that this instant! I will turn this thing around!”
All of the sudden, a flipper came out of nowhere and came down on the back of Kowalski’s neck, sending him into a happy slumber. Private pulled Kowalski back into his kiti, kiti cha and his head rolled to one side, a goofy smile plastered across his face.
Skipper sighed with relief. “Private, you’ve just been promoted.”
57) Security [XXVII]
The penguins sighed with exhaustion as they returned to the zoo. It’d been a long night.
“Well, that was a crazy night!” Julien alisema trotting beside them. “How could wewe four be tired after all that excitement! I mean, I was so awesome. Admit it.”
Skipper rolled his eyes. “Look, Ringtail, I just got back my memory and fought a giant iPod controlled kwa an evil dolphin all in one night. I think I speak for all of us when I say we’re beat.”
Julien scoffed. “You guys have, like, zero stamina,” he alisema examining his paw.
“I’m surprised wewe even know what stamina means,” Kowalski muttered. A thought occurred to him and he looked up at Julien. “How did wewe get to my power cell, anyhow? I had it under tight security.”
Julien laughed. “Tight security?” he repeated. “Please, it was easy peasy to be hacking.”
Kowalski looked offended. “Easy?” he protested. “How could wewe possibly have figured out my password?”
“Eh, technically, Mort figured it out,” Julien said. Mort jumped up with a happy cheer and Julien shoved him to the side.
“Mort?!” Kowalski repeated in horror.
“Well, I mean, wewe can’t choose a nenosiri that obvious. Everyone knows about the dolphin lady that broke you. Mort could have figured that out in his sleep!” Julien taunted.
Kowalski started mumbling under his breath.
“You seriously made your nenosiri ‘Doris’?” Skipper asked. “I never thought I’d say this, but I agree with Ringtail. That is so predictable.”
“Well, maybe I was thinking that since it was so predictable no one would try it because they wouldn’t think I’d be so obvious. Think about it that way? Hm?” Kowalski challenged.
Skipper rolled his eyes. “Kowalski, my spirit guide could have come up with a better nenosiri than that.”
58) Practice Makes Perfect . . . Most of the Time
Kowalski cleared his throat. “Um, Doris, uh . . .” His voice trailed and he tried to think of something to break the ice. “You look fabulous today,” he alisema finally. “Well, wewe look fabulous every day, but uh . . .” He shook his head in frustration. Then he took a deep breath and smiled.
“Doris! Hey, I didn’t see wewe there. How’s it going? . . . Good for me, too. I’m all right. So, um, I hear you’re available again and was wondering if—maybe—possibly—you wouldn’t mind—going out with me sometime? . . . Heh, that sounds great. Friday? Eight o’clock?”
He sighed and shook his head. “No, that’s no good.” He looked back into the mirror. He couldn’t help but grimace at the penguin, auk staring back at him. “Come on, wewe nancy cat. wewe can do this,” he said, trying to encourage himself. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply for a moment. Then he smiled suavely.
“Hey. Baby. What’s shakin’?” He grunted in frustration and banged his head into the frame of the mirror in rhythm with his self-scolding. “Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!”
He sighed. When he looked back into the mirror, he nearly jumped out of his feathers and whipped around. “Skipper!” he shouted in surprise. “What are wewe doing here?” he asked nervously looking around the room.
Skipper, who was leaning against the doorframe with his flippers folded over his chest, arched an eyebrow. “I live here,” he replied.
Kowalski coughed. “Right. . . . How long have wewe been standing there?” he asked timidly.
Skipper shrugged. “Long enough,” he replied. “I take it Doris broke up with her latest fling?”
Kowalski shifted on his feet. “Maybe,” he answered softly.
“No offense, but I don’t get why you’re practicing what you’re going to say when wewe know you’re just going to trip over all your words when wewe see her, anyway,” Skipper alisema impassively.
Kowalski frowned irritably and folded his flippers. “I resent that.”
59) Desperation
“Kowalski, I will do anything to get wewe to come out of your bunk,” Skipper pleaded with his lieutenant.
Kowalski didn’t songesha a muscle. “There’s nothing wewe can do, Skipper. Not even time can mend my broken heart,” he alisema to the ukuta with his back to him.
Skipper groaned and put his face in his flipper.
“What are we gonna do, Skipper?” Private asked with concern for his teammate.
“I don’t know, Private. He does this every time Doris rejects him and I can never figure out how to get him out of bed. Not even science is a motivation,” Skipper replied.
Kowalski choked. “That’s because in my heart, science comes in sekunde place to—” He sniffed. “Doris!” he wailed into his pillow.
The others cringed and exchanged looks. They turned toward the hatch when Julien dropped in with Maurice and Mort.
“What is with all the crying and the wailing! It is interrupting my mani-pedi!” Julien asked angrily.
“What’s up with Kowalski?” Maurice asked regarding the penguin, auk weeping in the bottom bunk.
“Doris rejected him again,” Private answered.
“You mean the porpoise lady?” Julien asked.
“She’s a dolphin!” Kowalski complained.
Julien rolled his eyes. “Buddy! You’ve got to pull yourself together!” he alisema crossing his arms.
“Let it go, Ringtail,” Skipper said. “We’ve all tried talking some sense into him, but none of us have been successful.”
“Well,” Julien started indignantly, “that is because he has not seen—” he leaned against the ukuta and shot a finger gun at the penguins— “the king of love.”
Skipper tried not to bust out laughing. “The king of love?” he repeated. He looked at Kowalski. “Well, it might be the desperation talking, but be my guest,” he alisema holding his flipper out to his lieutenant.
Julien adjusted his crown and cracked his knuckles. “Watch and learn, smelly penguin,” he alisema before turning to Kowalski. “All right, you! Class is in session!” he alisema grabbing his flipper and dragging him from the bed.
“No,” Kowalski complained. “Skipper, make him stop!” he alisema plopping on the floor kwa his bunk.
“Oh, no,” Julien replied before Skipper could answer. “We are going to get wewe back in the game!”
“I’ve already lost,” Kowalski alisema curling in the fetal position and leaning against the wall.
Julien hoisted him up kwa his under-flippers. Then he slapped him. “You have got to get it together! wewe think this will make the porpoise lady upendo you?”
“Dolphin!” Kowalski corrected again.
“Whatever!” Julien snapped. “You need to stop all this whining! I don’t have any ideas of what would make a penguin, auk attractive, but I know it is not this! Trust me, I know a thing au two about being attractive!”
Maurice rolled his eyes. “Oh, brother.”
Kowalski tried to pull away. “Julien, I really don’t—”
“Nonsense!” Julien interrupted. “If wewe want to win this lady’s heart, you’ve got to be smooth! You’ve got to be cool! You’ve got to be confident! wewe got to go up to this lady and say, Baby, I upendo you!”
“I have told her that!” Kowalski complained.
“It is all about delivery,” Julien alisema holding up his index finger. “Ladies don’t want some desperate sap that cries like a nyangumi every time he gets rejected!”
Kowalski pouted. “I don’t cry like a—”
“Now,” Julien interrupted, putting an arm around his shoulders, “you are going to go up to this porpoise lady with your head held high and—you’re not going to ask her out, no!—you’re going to tell her when you’re picking her up! Do wewe understand?” he asked pointing a finger at his face.
Kowalski stared at his finger as if he might bite it off.
“Good!” Julien alisema backing off. “Maurice! Fetch my beauty supplies! We are going to make this penguin, auk irresistible!” he ordered. “Eh, but get the cheaper ones,” he added.
Maurice sighed. “Yes, your highness,” he alisema heading for the hatch.
“Julien, I am not going to let wewe give me a makeover!” Kowalski alisema angrily. “And I don’t need your relationship advice!”
“Well, obviously, wewe do!” Julien argued. “On both accountings!”
“Skipper!” Kowalski complained again.
Skipper turned to Julien. “How ‘bout we just stick to the relationship advice?” he implied zaidi than suggested. He turned to Private. “Did I really just say that?”
“Pft!” Julien scoffed. “I know exactly what I’m doing. I am the King of Love! Come, penguin!” he alisema grabbing Kowalski’s flipper and dragging him to the hatch.
“Julien, I don’t want to—AH!” he cried as Julien tossed him up the hatch.
“Be seeing wewe guys later!” Julien alisema before clambering out of the hatch after Kowalski.
“Wait for me, King Julien!” Mort called as he followed suit.
Skipper turned to Rico and Private. “Okay. Maybe I let this get a little too out of hand.”
60) Psychiatric Assessment
Skipper held up another ink blot.
“Hm,” Private alisema narrowing his eyes, “a Lunacorn,” he decided.
Skipper rolled his eyes and made a note. “Well, I should fail wewe for that last choice, but I’ll let it slide since you’re expendable.”
Private blinked. “What?”
“What?” Skipper alisema innocently. Private frowned irritably and left the table. Kowalski sat down next.
“I still don’t get the point of assessing us psychiatrically. What are wewe gonna do if Rico fails?” Kowalski asked.
“This isn’t about pass au fail, Kowalski,” Skipper replied. “It’s about tapping into your minds! And knowing how wewe think and perceive things!”
Kowalski sighed. “Fine. Let’s get this over with,” he alisema propping his head up kwa his fist.
Skipper held up an ink blot.
“Electron microscope,” Kowalski alisema after thinking for a moment.
Skipper looked at the blot, and then looked at Kowalski. “O—kay,” he alisema making a note. He held up the inayofuata blot.
“Centrifuge,” Kowalski said.
“What the halibut is a central-fuge?” Skipper asked in an annoyed confusion.
“An apparatus that rotates at a high speed and kwa centrifugal force, separates substances at different densities,” Kowalski explained.
Skipper sighed and made another note. “Can wewe give me something non-nerd this time?” he asked holding the inayofuata blot up.
Kowalski rolled his eyes. “Fine.” He studied the blot. “Doris.”
“What?” Skipper protested looking at the blot. “This looks nothing like Doris!”
“It does if wewe put her picture in a kaleidoscope,” Kowalski replied.
Skipper pressed his beak shut and looked from Kowalski to the blots. Then he stood and threw his pencil into the air. “You all pass. I’m done here.”
— § —
[XXIV] Inspiration for that came from an episode of iCarly, “iSpy A Mean Teacher” (Season 1, Episode 8). Freddie alisema something similar to Carly.
[XXV] In The penguin, auk Who Loved Me, Doris claims that she will never invite Blowhole over for Thanksgiving chajio, chakula cha jioni again. I thought it might be interesting to look at one of the dinners they’d had together in the past. kwa the way, Francis is Dr. Blowhole’s first name, in case wewe haven’t seen the episode.
[XXVI] This follows The penguin, auk Who Loved Me.
[XXVII] This follows The Return of the Revenge of Dr. Blowhole.
51) Brain Dead
“Toss it to me! Toss it to me!” Private called from across the water.
Kowalski hit the beach, pwani ball in his direction. The team had decided to take a vacation at Manhattan Beach, and enjoyed swimming in the warm waters in a secluded area away from the humans.
“I’m open!” Skipper called waving his flippers in the air.
“Help!” a voice called in the distance.
Skipper turned his head to listen, which allowed the beach, pwani ball to hit him in the face in midst his distraction. He glared at Private.
“Sorry,” the young cadet alisema innocently. Skipper dismissed it and they looked around, trying to spot the chanzo of the sound.
“Someone help me, please!” the voice called again.
“Skipper, there!” Kowalski alisema pointing down the coast. There was a figure washed ashore in the distance, seemingly immobilized.
“Move out, men!” Skipper ordered.
The penguins swam to pwani and approached the figure. It was a dolphin Tangled in a mess of old, tattered kaa netting.
“Are wewe all right?” Skipper asked trying to see through the mess.
“Yes, but I can’t move! I’ve been stuck here for hours. The zaidi I struggle, the tighter the net gets,” she explained.
“Don’t worry, we’ll get wewe out,” Skipper assured her. “Rico,” he ordered.
Rico regurgitated a Swiss army kisu and Skipper took it from him. He turned to Kowalski.
“Keep her talking. Make sure she doesn’t move,” he ordered. Kowalski saluted as Skipper moved to the net around her tail end.
“So, what’s your name?” Kowalski asked. He couldn’t see her through the netting.
“Doris,” she answered.
“I’m Kowalski. You’re going to be just fine,” he assured her. “Just keep still, all right?”
“All right,” Doris replied uncomfortably.
Kowalski thought for a moment. “So how did this happen?” he asked.
“I was swimming around near the coast and this net just fell on me. I tried to get it off, but it just wrapped around me. I managed to get to the coastline so I could breathe and the tide pulled me in,” she explained.
Kowalski glanced at Skipper, who’d managed to free half of her tail.
“Lucky wewe were swimming along the coast, then,” Kowalski replied. “You don’t have a pod?”
“No, I like my independence,” Doris replied.
“I see,” Kowalski alisema with a smile. “Just a couple zaidi minutes.”
Skipper cut through some zaidi of the net and Rico and Private pulled the rest of it off her. Doris pushed herself up kwa her flippers and stretched her back and neck. She sighed with relief.
“Thank wewe so much,” she alisema turning to them. She raised an eyebrow. “Oh, you’re penguins. What’s a few penguins doing around here?” she asked.
“We’re from the Central Park Zoo,” Private alisema cheerily. Skipper slapped him. “Sorry, Skipper,” he alisema rubbing his cheek.
Doris nodded slowly. “Um, okay. Well, thank wewe for saving me,” she alisema with a smile. She looked at Kowalski and frowned. “Is he all right?” she asked warily.
Skipper looked at Kowalski, who was staring at Doris with an indecipherable expression.
“Kowalski,” Skipper called. He didn’t respond. Skipper waved his flipper in front of his face—still receiving no response. He slapped him and Kowalski shook his head in confusion.
“Wh-What?” he asked groggily.
“Are wewe awake in there? What’s your deal, soldier?” Skipper asked folding his flippers disapprovingly.
Kowalski stuttered a little bit before finally saying, “S-Sorry.”
Skipper rolled his eyes. “Come on, let’s get her back into the ocean,” he ordered, dismissing Kowalski’s odd behavior.
Skipper and Private took Doris’ tail while Kowalski and Rico grabbed her torso. Kowalski couldn’t help but notice how soft her skin was. Being so close, he caught her eye and swallowed nervously. They were so blue. He snapped out of it when the others started carrying her forward. When they pulled her into the ocean, Doris njiwa under and emerged a moment later, laughing with relief.
“Thank wewe so much!” she alisema happily. She turned to them. “I never caught the rest of your names.”
Skipper swam forward. “I’m the Skipper. The cute one is Private, and this is Rico,” he alisema gesturing to his respective teammates.
“Well, if there’s ever anything I can do to repay you,” she offered.
“Don’t wewe worry about that, Miss,” Skipper assured her.
“Please, call me Doris,” she replied with a smile. “Hope to see wewe boys again.”
“Ditto,” Skipper replied with a salute. Doris njiwa back under and swam off. Skipper turned to his team. “Good work, boys.” He looked at Kowalski and frowned. “Kowalski!”
Kowalski was staring at the water where Doris had njiwa under as if she might resurface there. Stars were in his eyes and he was smiling calmly, as if all was right in the world.
“What’s wrong with him, Skipper?” Private asked.
Skipper studied him. Then he groaned and threw his head back as he smacked his flipper to his forehead.
“What is it, Skipper?” Private asked again. “Is Kowalski ill?”
“Worse,” Skipper alisema rubbing his temples. “He’s in love.”
52) Planning for the Future [XXIV]
“I just don’t understand why you’re so head-over-tail feathers for her,” Skipper alisema rolling his eyes. “She’s rejected you—what, nine times now?”
Kowalski sighed. “I don’t know. I just can’t get over her. She’s so beautiful and perfect, and beautiful,” he alisema going into a daze. He realized Skipper was staring at him and he cleared his throat. “Anyway, I just can’t give up.”
Skipper folded his flippers. “Okay, I understand that. I’m not trying to down your confidence, but I just don’t understand why she would say yes the tenth time wewe asked her when she’s already alisema no nine times. I’m pretty sure she’s not just playing hard to get,” he alisema regretfully.
Kowalski smiled. “Well, once she sees how much I want her, I think she’ll give me a chance,” he alisema optimistically.
“Or just think you’re desperate,” Skipper suggested.
Kowalski frowned and rolled his eyes. “You’ll see. One siku I’m going to win her moyo and become her sekunde husband.”
Skipper arched an eyebrow. “What happened to her first?”
Kowalski narrowed his eyes. “Nothing wewe can prove.”
53) Family Dinner [XXV]
“Francis!” Doris alisema as her brother swam to her at the surface of the ocean. “Happy Thanksgiving!” she alisema wrapping her flippers around her brother’s neck.
“Happy Thanksgiving, dear sister,” her brother replied returning the hug.
“Happy Thanksgiving, son,” an older dolphin alisema as she came over with her flippers open.
Francis hugged his mother. “Happy Thanksgiving, mom,” he told her.
“So, how have wewe been? We haven’t heard from wewe in months! I’ve been worried,” Francis’ mother asked.
“Things have been just fine,” Francis replied bittersweetly. “I’ve just been working on a little project. I can’t give wewe the details, but I assure wewe it will be heartstopping,” he alisema putting a flipper over his moyo with a grin.
Doris arched an eyebrow, but dismissed the maoni with a roll of her eyes.
“Projects,” their mother scoffed, “when are wewe gonna make something of yourself, Francis? Your sister here is putting herself out there, looking for a mate. What are wewe doing? Making projects. When are wewe going to settle down with a nice girl? I want some grandchildren before I sleep with the fishes!” she scolded.
Francis rolled his eyes. “Mother, I told wewe that I’m not interested in romantic relationships right now,” he alisema impatiently. He’d had this conversation with her a million times.
Doris broke in before the argument could continue. “How about we just eat? I spent all morning catching samaki so we could have a nice time together,” she complained.
“Yes, Doris is right, mother,” Francis agreed. “We shouldn’t argue on Thanksgiving.”
Their mother sighed impatiently. “Fine. We’ll have dinner.”
The three of them swam under a dock, where Doris had stashed the samaki she’d caught in a crate she near the shore. They started eating.
“So, how many relationships has it been since I saw wewe last?” Francis asked his sister giving her a sideways glance.
Doris forced a laugh. “Always my brother with a since of humor!” she said. When her mother turned away, she gave him a hard stare and he glared back. They both continued eating like nothing happened when their mother refocused her attention.
“Well, she’s going through a phase,” their mother ametoa maoni with underlying irritability. “She was perfectly fine going with her own kind when she had to start going out with other species.”
“Mom, there’s nothing wrong with trying new things,” Doris complained.
“What kind of species are we talking?” Francis asked arching the brow of his good eye.
“Well,” their mother started before Doris could answer, “there was a manatee, an orca, a penguin, a—”
“Whoa, whoa, wait,” Francis alisema holding up a flipper. “Back up. Did wewe say penguin?” he asked.
“Yes,” Doris alisema with a wave of her flipper, “I went out on one tarehe with him, but I just don’t think we really go together.”
“Yeah, because he’s not your species,” her mother scolded.
Doris rolled her eyes. “Anyways, he keeps asking me for a sekunde chance. I told him we should just be friends, but he keeps pursuing me. I kind of feel sorry for him.”
Francis leaned in closer with an urgent expression. “What’s his name?” he asked narrowing his eyes.
“Kowalski,” Doris answered, eyeing her brother curiously. “Why?”
Francis blinked. Then he eyed the samaki in the crate. “Nothing,” he alisema in a strained voice. “I just Lost my appetite.”
54) Court Marshall
Skipper took his place behind Alice’s dawati in the penguin, auk HQ, wearing Mason’s powdered wig and gripping the chimps’ mallet.
“This court marshall is now in session,” he alisema double-tapping the mallet on the desk. “Our new and improved court reporter is present.”
Maurice sighed. “I still don’t know how to spell, but this is better than waiting on Julien,” he alisema impassively.
Skipper continued. “Prosecution, what are the charges?”
Private adjusted his tie. “Your Honor, I charge the defendant with reckless obsession and endangering a covert operation!” he alisema pointing at Kowalski.
“Defense Attorney Rico,” Skipper said, “your response.”
Rico was paying no attention, and instead had found amusement with balancing several pencils on his beak.
“Can I please have a new defense attorney?!” Kowalski protested angrily.
“Your Honor,” Private started, Kowalski’s request ignored, “let’s go back to the mission in question.”
Private proceeded to explain the situation to the court. The awali night, the penguins had been sent a suspicious note telling them to meet an anonymous person at the harbor.
“All right, men,” Skipper alisema to his teammates as they trailed behind him, “stay frosty.”
Skipper scanned the area around a corner and ushered the team to file out. They ducked around the corner and shuffled along the inayofuata wall. Then they leapt onto their bellies and slid to the pile of crates ahead, hiding behind them.
Skipper turned to his men and made a series of hand gestures that told them to mgawanyiko, baidisha up; Kowalski and Private would go one way and he and Rico would go another. Rico provided each pair with a walkie-talkie. They parted ways.
“Team Sauerkraut, report,” Skipper’s voice alisema on Kowalski and Private’s walkie-talkie.
“Nothing suspicious, Skipper,” Kowalski replied. He furrowed his brow. “Team Sauerkraut?”
“What? I haven’t eaten since lunch,” Skipper replied.
Kowalski and Private rolled their eyes. Then they continued their search.
“We have a visual on a suspect. Identity unknown,” Skipper alisema a few dakika later. “Meet us in Sector Omega Bravo,” he ordered, “by the crate at the southeast corner.”
Kowalski and Private nodded to each other and started to songesha out. Then they heard a splash in the water over the edge of the harbor inayofuata to them.
“Go on, I’ll investigate,” Kowalski alisema to Private. Private nodded and left as Kowalski cautiously approached the edge of the boardwalk.
“Let the record show,” Private continued, bringing everyone’s mind back to the courtroom, “that the sound we heard that night was none other than Doris the dolphin, Kowalski’s upendo interest for seven and a half years!”
“Objection!” Kowalski protested.
“Only your attorney can object,” Skipper alisema pointing his mallet at Rico, who had moved on from the pencils to creating a paper clip motorcycle. Then he started driving it around his little meza, jedwali making engine sounds with his throat. Kowalski facepalmed.
“Go on, Prosecutor Private,” Skipper alisema gesturing with his flipper.
“Let the record also onyesha that he had become so distracted with Doris, that he did not notice his radio become submerged in the ocean, and therefore did not hear our call for backup!” Private explained. He turned to Kowalski. “And what happened while wewe were busy with your little distraction?” he asked giving him a hard look.
Kowalski fidgeted. “Hans escaped,” he answered quietly, “again.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you,” Private alisema leaning in with his flipper cupped around his earhole.
“Hans escaped, all right?” Kowalski answered irritably.
“That’s right,” Private alisema matter-of-factly as he turned toward Skipper.
“Defense Attorney Rico, care to kuvuka, msalaba examine?” he asked Rico, who now was throwing zaidi paper clips at Maurice.
Maurice batted another paper clip away. “Will wewe quit!” he alisema angrily. Rico laughed.
Kowalski buried his face into his flippers. “I hate love.”
55) The Root of the Matter
Skipper entered the HQ to see Kowalski’s lab door cracked open. He heard him mumbling irritably inside, but he couldn’t make out what he was saying. He peeked inside to see him pacing in front of a world map that had thumbtacks placed here and there in the Atlantic Ocean with yarn stretched across them.
“What’s going on, Kowalski?” Skipper asked entering his lab.
Kowalski sideways glanced at him, but then he shook his head with his eyes closed as if trying to concentrate. He continued to mumble to himself.
Skipper rolled his eyes and held up his test tube set. “Kowalski, start talking au the nerd trinkets gets it,” he alisema flatly.
Kowalski turned to him in surprise. “No! Not those!” he alisema lunging mbele and snatching them from his leader. He cradled them in his flippers. “It’s okay, Daddy’s here,” he whispered as he assured himself they weren’t damaged.
Skipper rolled his eyes again. “You want to tell me what’s going on?” he asked impatiently.
Kowalski looked at him irritably and placed his test tube set at the far end of the meza, jedwali away from Skipper. “Not really,” he answered finally.
Skipper folded his flippers. “Well, I’m your commanding officer, so I order wewe to explain to me what you’re doing,” he commanded.
Kowalski sighed. “Um . . . well, I may have heard a rumor that, uh . . .” He finished his sentence inaudibly.
Skipper narrowed his eyes. “You’re making your ‘lovesick for Doris’ face,” he observed suspiciously.
Kowalski blinked and shook his head, his brow lowering in annoyance. “I do not have a lovesick for Doris face,” he objected.
Skipper arched an unconvinced eyebrow. Kowalski broke eye contact.
“What is it this time, Kowalski?” Skipper asked again. “Is she heading for waters off the coast of New York again?”
Kowalski stood his ground. “I alisema this isn’t about Doris,” he argued.
Skipper lifted his head and shifted his weight, giving him a hard stare. Kowalski pouted and folded his flippers. Then he cleared his throat. “I may have heard a rumor that she’s started seeing someone new,” he admitted finally.
Skipper nodded. “Okay, and what’s all this about?” he asked regarding his map.
Kowalski shifted again and studied the floor as if the meaning of life was etched into it. “I may au may not be trying to find her so I can totally not break them up in a way that may au may not be inhumane,” he alisema tracing his toe in an arc in front of him.
He looked back up with Skipper, who was staring at him with disapproval.
“What?” Kowalski cried defensively. “Don’t look at me like that!”
“Kowalski, wewe know it’s Doris’ business who she wants to date,” Skipper said.
“But—!”
“No buts, Kowalski! We have zaidi important things to worry about,” Skipper insisted. Kowalski tried to protest, but Skipper kept cutting him off.
“I—!”
“Nope.”
“But Skip—!”
“Ah!”
“That’s not—!”
“No-ho!” Skipper alisema holding a flipper to Kowalski’s beak. “You need to stop worrying about this so much. wewe know Doris’ relationships don’t last long.”
Kowalski folded his flippers. “That’s not the problem, Skipper. The problem is that they exist in the first place.”
56) Extinguishing the Fire [XXVI]
“I’ll—see wewe later, then?” Kowalski asked with a nervous laugh.
Doris giggled. “Looking mbele to it, Kowalski,” she replied.
Kowalski started laughing nervously as the team started pulling him back. He stumbled over his own feet.
“Come on, Kowalski,” Skipper urged. “We need to go home.”
Kowalski looked at Skipper with a smile. “You’re a good leader, Skipper,” he alisema with slurred speech, as if he were drunk.
Skipper arched an eyebrow as the penguins helped him into the backseat of the car. He put his elbow on the door and propped his face up kwa his fist with an overly-calm look on his face.
“Skipper,” Private said, “I’ve never seen him like this.”
“He’s been pursuing Doris for a long time now, young Private. Now that she’s accepted a relationship with him, he’s gonna be like this for weeks,” Skipper alisema rolling his eyes.
“Hey. Private,” Kowalski alisema to the young cadet that was sitting inayofuata to him.
“Yes, Kowalski?” Private asked watching him carefully.
Kowalski hugged him. “You are the cutest penguin, auk ever. I upendo you, wewe little scamp,” he alisema ruffling the feathers on Private’s head.
“Skipper!” Private protested, like a child complaining about his older brother.
“Kowalski, release the Private,” Skipper alisema from the driver’s seat.
Private finally succeeded in shoving Kowalski back to his side of the seat. He leaned forward.
“Hey, Rico,” he called. Rico turned to look at him from the passenger seat. “I upendo you, too, wewe crazy nut,” he alisema reaching for his head to ruffle his feathers, too, but Rico batted his flipper away. Kowalski leaned over the kiti, kiti cha trying to hug him. “Don’t fight it, Rico! Come here, wewe beautiful person!”
Rico started to protest and fought to get the lovestruck Kowalski off him. Skipper started yelling at them to stop, but no one could hear him over Kowalski and Rico arguing.
“You two stop that this instant! I will turn this thing around!”
All of the sudden, a flipper came out of nowhere and came down on the back of Kowalski’s neck, sending him into a happy slumber. Private pulled Kowalski back into his kiti, kiti cha and his head rolled to one side, a goofy smile plastered across his face.
Skipper sighed with relief. “Private, you’ve just been promoted.”
57) Security [XXVII]
The penguins sighed with exhaustion as they returned to the zoo. It’d been a long night.
“Well, that was a crazy night!” Julien alisema trotting beside them. “How could wewe four be tired after all that excitement! I mean, I was so awesome. Admit it.”
Skipper rolled his eyes. “Look, Ringtail, I just got back my memory and fought a giant iPod controlled kwa an evil dolphin all in one night. I think I speak for all of us when I say we’re beat.”
Julien scoffed. “You guys have, like, zero stamina,” he alisema examining his paw.
“I’m surprised wewe even know what stamina means,” Kowalski muttered. A thought occurred to him and he looked up at Julien. “How did wewe get to my power cell, anyhow? I had it under tight security.”
Julien laughed. “Tight security?” he repeated. “Please, it was easy peasy to be hacking.”
Kowalski looked offended. “Easy?” he protested. “How could wewe possibly have figured out my password?”
“Eh, technically, Mort figured it out,” Julien said. Mort jumped up with a happy cheer and Julien shoved him to the side.
“Mort?!” Kowalski repeated in horror.
“Well, I mean, wewe can’t choose a nenosiri that obvious. Everyone knows about the dolphin lady that broke you. Mort could have figured that out in his sleep!” Julien taunted.
Kowalski started mumbling under his breath.
“You seriously made your nenosiri ‘Doris’?” Skipper asked. “I never thought I’d say this, but I agree with Ringtail. That is so predictable.”
“Well, maybe I was thinking that since it was so predictable no one would try it because they wouldn’t think I’d be so obvious. Think about it that way? Hm?” Kowalski challenged.
Skipper rolled his eyes. “Kowalski, my spirit guide could have come up with a better nenosiri than that.”
58) Practice Makes Perfect . . . Most of the Time
Kowalski cleared his throat. “Um, Doris, uh . . .” His voice trailed and he tried to think of something to break the ice. “You look fabulous today,” he alisema finally. “Well, wewe look fabulous every day, but uh . . .” He shook his head in frustration. Then he took a deep breath and smiled.
“Doris! Hey, I didn’t see wewe there. How’s it going? . . . Good for me, too. I’m all right. So, um, I hear you’re available again and was wondering if—maybe—possibly—you wouldn’t mind—going out with me sometime? . . . Heh, that sounds great. Friday? Eight o’clock?”
He sighed and shook his head. “No, that’s no good.” He looked back into the mirror. He couldn’t help but grimace at the penguin, auk staring back at him. “Come on, wewe nancy cat. wewe can do this,” he said, trying to encourage himself. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply for a moment. Then he smiled suavely.
“Hey. Baby. What’s shakin’?” He grunted in frustration and banged his head into the frame of the mirror in rhythm with his self-scolding. “Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!”
He sighed. When he looked back into the mirror, he nearly jumped out of his feathers and whipped around. “Skipper!” he shouted in surprise. “What are wewe doing here?” he asked nervously looking around the room.
Skipper, who was leaning against the doorframe with his flippers folded over his chest, arched an eyebrow. “I live here,” he replied.
Kowalski coughed. “Right. . . . How long have wewe been standing there?” he asked timidly.
Skipper shrugged. “Long enough,” he replied. “I take it Doris broke up with her latest fling?”
Kowalski shifted on his feet. “Maybe,” he answered softly.
“No offense, but I don’t get why you’re practicing what you’re going to say when wewe know you’re just going to trip over all your words when wewe see her, anyway,” Skipper alisema impassively.
Kowalski frowned irritably and folded his flippers. “I resent that.”
59) Desperation
“Kowalski, I will do anything to get wewe to come out of your bunk,” Skipper pleaded with his lieutenant.
Kowalski didn’t songesha a muscle. “There’s nothing wewe can do, Skipper. Not even time can mend my broken heart,” he alisema to the ukuta with his back to him.
Skipper groaned and put his face in his flipper.
“What are we gonna do, Skipper?” Private asked with concern for his teammate.
“I don’t know, Private. He does this every time Doris rejects him and I can never figure out how to get him out of bed. Not even science is a motivation,” Skipper replied.
Kowalski choked. “That’s because in my heart, science comes in sekunde place to—” He sniffed. “Doris!” he wailed into his pillow.
The others cringed and exchanged looks. They turned toward the hatch when Julien dropped in with Maurice and Mort.
“What is with all the crying and the wailing! It is interrupting my mani-pedi!” Julien asked angrily.
“What’s up with Kowalski?” Maurice asked regarding the penguin, auk weeping in the bottom bunk.
“Doris rejected him again,” Private answered.
“You mean the porpoise lady?” Julien asked.
“She’s a dolphin!” Kowalski complained.
Julien rolled his eyes. “Buddy! You’ve got to pull yourself together!” he alisema crossing his arms.
“Let it go, Ringtail,” Skipper said. “We’ve all tried talking some sense into him, but none of us have been successful.”
“Well,” Julien started indignantly, “that is because he has not seen—” he leaned against the ukuta and shot a finger gun at the penguins— “the king of love.”
Skipper tried not to bust out laughing. “The king of love?” he repeated. He looked at Kowalski. “Well, it might be the desperation talking, but be my guest,” he alisema holding his flipper out to his lieutenant.
Julien adjusted his crown and cracked his knuckles. “Watch and learn, smelly penguin,” he alisema before turning to Kowalski. “All right, you! Class is in session!” he alisema grabbing his flipper and dragging him from the bed.
“No,” Kowalski complained. “Skipper, make him stop!” he alisema plopping on the floor kwa his bunk.
“Oh, no,” Julien replied before Skipper could answer. “We are going to get wewe back in the game!”
“I’ve already lost,” Kowalski alisema curling in the fetal position and leaning against the wall.
Julien hoisted him up kwa his under-flippers. Then he slapped him. “You have got to get it together! wewe think this will make the porpoise lady upendo you?”
“Dolphin!” Kowalski corrected again.
“Whatever!” Julien snapped. “You need to stop all this whining! I don’t have any ideas of what would make a penguin, auk attractive, but I know it is not this! Trust me, I know a thing au two about being attractive!”
Maurice rolled his eyes. “Oh, brother.”
Kowalski tried to pull away. “Julien, I really don’t—”
“Nonsense!” Julien interrupted. “If wewe want to win this lady’s heart, you’ve got to be smooth! You’ve got to be cool! You’ve got to be confident! wewe got to go up to this lady and say, Baby, I upendo you!”
“I have told her that!” Kowalski complained.
“It is all about delivery,” Julien alisema holding up his index finger. “Ladies don’t want some desperate sap that cries like a nyangumi every time he gets rejected!”
Kowalski pouted. “I don’t cry like a—”
“Now,” Julien interrupted, putting an arm around his shoulders, “you are going to go up to this porpoise lady with your head held high and—you’re not going to ask her out, no!—you’re going to tell her when you’re picking her up! Do wewe understand?” he asked pointing a finger at his face.
Kowalski stared at his finger as if he might bite it off.
“Good!” Julien alisema backing off. “Maurice! Fetch my beauty supplies! We are going to make this penguin, auk irresistible!” he ordered. “Eh, but get the cheaper ones,” he added.
Maurice sighed. “Yes, your highness,” he alisema heading for the hatch.
“Julien, I am not going to let wewe give me a makeover!” Kowalski alisema angrily. “And I don’t need your relationship advice!”
“Well, obviously, wewe do!” Julien argued. “On both accountings!”
“Skipper!” Kowalski complained again.
Skipper turned to Julien. “How ‘bout we just stick to the relationship advice?” he implied zaidi than suggested. He turned to Private. “Did I really just say that?”
“Pft!” Julien scoffed. “I know exactly what I’m doing. I am the King of Love! Come, penguin!” he alisema grabbing Kowalski’s flipper and dragging him to the hatch.
“Julien, I don’t want to—AH!” he cried as Julien tossed him up the hatch.
“Be seeing wewe guys later!” Julien alisema before clambering out of the hatch after Kowalski.
“Wait for me, King Julien!” Mort called as he followed suit.
Skipper turned to Rico and Private. “Okay. Maybe I let this get a little too out of hand.”
60) Psychiatric Assessment
Skipper held up another ink blot.
“Hm,” Private alisema narrowing his eyes, “a Lunacorn,” he decided.
Skipper rolled his eyes and made a note. “Well, I should fail wewe for that last choice, but I’ll let it slide since you’re expendable.”
Private blinked. “What?”
“What?” Skipper alisema innocently. Private frowned irritably and left the table. Kowalski sat down next.
“I still don’t get the point of assessing us psychiatrically. What are wewe gonna do if Rico fails?” Kowalski asked.
“This isn’t about pass au fail, Kowalski,” Skipper replied. “It’s about tapping into your minds! And knowing how wewe think and perceive things!”
Kowalski sighed. “Fine. Let’s get this over with,” he alisema propping his head up kwa his fist.
Skipper held up an ink blot.
“Electron microscope,” Kowalski alisema after thinking for a moment.
Skipper looked at the blot, and then looked at Kowalski. “O—kay,” he alisema making a note. He held up the inayofuata blot.
“Centrifuge,” Kowalski said.
“What the halibut is a central-fuge?” Skipper asked in an annoyed confusion.
“An apparatus that rotates at a high speed and kwa centrifugal force, separates substances at different densities,” Kowalski explained.
Skipper sighed and made another note. “Can wewe give me something non-nerd this time?” he asked holding the inayofuata blot up.
Kowalski rolled his eyes. “Fine.” He studied the blot. “Doris.”
“What?” Skipper protested looking at the blot. “This looks nothing like Doris!”
“It does if wewe put her picture in a kaleidoscope,” Kowalski replied.
Skipper pressed his beak shut and looked from Kowalski to the blots. Then he stood and threw his pencil into the air. “You all pass. I’m done here.”
— § —
[XXIV] Inspiration for that came from an episode of iCarly, “iSpy A Mean Teacher” (Season 1, Episode 8). Freddie alisema something similar to Carly.
[XXV] In The penguin, auk Who Loved Me, Doris claims that she will never invite Blowhole over for Thanksgiving chajio, chakula cha jioni again. I thought it might be interesting to look at one of the dinners they’d had together in the past. kwa the way, Francis is Dr. Blowhole’s first name, in case wewe haven’t seen the episode.
[XXVI] This follows The penguin, auk Who Loved Me.
[XXVII] This follows The Return of the Revenge of Dr. Blowhole.
