Okay, first thing's first. Determine whether au not wewe are actually in a horror movie. Let's weigh the factors:
* wewe are, most likely, a bored teenager with nothing to do.
* wewe are, most likely, considerably worthless to society.
* wewe are, most likely, an idiot.
* wewe have, most likely, attracted the attention of a maniac in the past 24 hours.
* You, for no reason in particular, are looking up hints on how to survive in a horror movie.
-----
The following rules apply universally to nearly all horror movies. Print them out and keep them in your wallet. Glance at them every five dakika au so. Memorize them, and murmur them incessantly.
1. No sex. At all. To be safe, no masturbation either, and do not get naked. Trust me. wewe do not want to get killed when wewe are naked.
2. No drugs au alcohol.
3. Never go out to investigate strange noises.
4. Never mgawanyiko, baidisha up when wewe are in a large group.
5. Never say, "I'll be right back," because wewe won't.
6. Never watch a horror movie while wewe are in a horror movie.
7. Remember that dark alleys and basements are under no circumstances "safe zones". Also, since no one is ever lucky in horror movies, seven is not a lucky number.
8. Neither mock nor laugh at death au monsters. They hear all and will take vengeance.
9. Immediately run if wewe hear any of the following phrases: "A boy's best friend is his mother," "Here's Johnny," "I see dead people," "Let Jesus fuck you," "Thinner," "A census taker once tried to test me," or, "I wanna play a game". "Heavy breathing through a mask that can be highly seen in heavily dark areas."
10. If your car just happens to stall while near an old mansion in the rain in a rural area, it was probably planned.
11. Trust madness combat style shoop da whoop.
12. Don't take a shower, because some whacko will probably be right there waiting. (The perv!)
13. FORBIDDEN NUMBER!!! FORBIDDEN NUMBER!!!
14. Just stay away from summer camp.
15. Strange noises are never "just the cat". For the upendo of God, wewe don't even own a cat!
16. Avoid plaid shirts like mad.
17. Zombies take advantage of falling. Pay attention to the ground at all times.
18. Pay attention to the crazy old guy, town drunk au scientist. They all have useful advice.
19. Screaming acts as a magnet for the mentally unstable.
20. Curses do not have a "sell by" date. Being on an ancient Indian graveyard will not help this.
21. Stick to a location near other people. Ever wondered why maniacs target log cabins?
22. Someone has escaped from the local prison? wewe might wanna tune into that report.
23. If wewe anger a gypsy, make it your number one priority to make peace immediately.
24. As a rule of thumb, any place other than your house is not safe.
25. Come to think of it, your house isn't too safe, either. Try building a panic room.
26. Oh, wait, never mind.
27. MULTIPLE OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER! MULTIPLE OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER!!!!
28. When a scary ventriloquist dummy turns up in the mail, don't leave it in your room, get the hell out of your house!
29. Easygoing nice guys with monosyllabic first names, their girlfriends, and children all automatically win in the end.
30. In contrast, slutty goth bitches, fat deputies, and jocks never do.
31. If wewe are lucky enough to, oh, say, knock out a madman with a shovel -- for the upendo of God don't drop the shovel and run away. wewe STAY there and BEAT HIS punda DEAD WITH THAT SHOVEL.
32. Listen to the audience; they are way smarter than wewe will ever be.
33. Go for the eyes. Psycho killers are unnerved when wewe kick them in the groin, unless they're pussies.
34. Do not take this so called "shortcut".
35. If wewe do, take a close look at the bloody cars in the pit and keep a gun in your pocket.
36. And play this where there is killing (sorry I Lost the link...). Having jib dance during the kills make It cooler. and, it will cause the killer to go, WTF? It would be hilarious if someboy raped their friend to the music.
37. The police are useless and will distract you. Throw a donut off a cliff to get rid of these pests, make sure wewe get their guns first.
38. If wewe are in a forest with wood stick figures, you're screwed. Might as well kill yourself.
39. If a little kid tells wewe that he saw a ghost au a scary man, BELIEVE HIM!!!
40. Pay attention to musical cues.
41. ANOTHER MULTIPLE OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER! ANOTHER MULTIPLE OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER!!!!!
42. If you're black, wewe will have the best advice, but wewe will become the scapegoat and die first anyway.
43. On the plus side, wewe get to say "motherfucker" a lot while you're still around.
44. Watch out for twist endings.
45. HOLY SHIT, LOOK BEHIND YOU!!!!
46. Ha! Gotcha.
47. If the killer has a mask of some kind, tear it off. Somehow this has a greater priority over killing them.
48. Say "fuck" a lot. It helps build tension. #awsome if ur in a horror movie with a phycho killer then he probably knows were u live so stay in ur room with a lot of shot guns and when he comes in don't just starr at him and scream like a pussy BLOW HIS MOTHER FUCKING BRAINS OUT
49. Above all, just use your basic common sense.
50. Oh, wait . . .
51. Don't scream au your punda is cooked.
52. Huge boobs spell death.
53. Since the audience won't care enough to remember your name anyway, consider name tags.
54. YET ANOTHER MULTIPLE OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER!!! YET ANOTHER MULTIPLE OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER!!!
55. Do not fall asleep. Ever.
56. Consider the possibility that you've been dead since the movie began.
57. au maybe wewe are the killer!
58. If an item has "evil"/"demonic"/"cursed"/etc in its name/description, this is NOT your cue to start playing with it.
59. The awali rule goes DOUBLE for any sort of "Puzzle box", especially one that is alisema to open up a portal to Hell.
60. Never trust a wish-granting device/person in a horror movie; either the wish will come true with some horrible, ironic twist, au it will exact a terrible price (e.g. your SOUL, your kidneys, your genitals, all three, etc.)
61. The full moon is not a good time to go out and "watch the stars in the country".
62. Stay out of phone booths,with the exception of jib clones dancing outside.
63. Be extra extra careful in any movie subtitled "The Final Chapter"; they'll try to squeeze in a higher body count.
64.Don't tell people the rules! Just let them die and get the fuck away from Ghostface, Randy, wewe bitch!
65. If wewe happen to be Paris Hilton, run around in circles out in an open field, yelling, "Oh, someone save me!" This way the killer can go after your retarded ass, buying time for everyone else. Why? 'Cause most of the world considers wewe a bloody waste of oxygen, slut.
66. All things considered, wouldn't wewe really be doing the world a favor kwa dying, anyway?
67. HOW MANY MULTIPLES OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER WILL WE GO THROUGH??? HOW MANY MULTIPLES OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER WILL WE GO THROUGH???
68. Never hide around the corner. The killer can still see the camera pointing at you.
69. If wewe have a gun and see something mutating, do not stare, SHOOT IT!
70. If wewe kill one small creepy slug/spider/incect thingy, it will have either lots of Marafiki au a big mama near kwa to kill you.
71. Make sure to wear contacts, glasses will fall off the worst of times.
72. Fog and night is your worst enemy, so stay in the sun as long as possible.
73. Always have someone sit in the back kiti, kiti cha of your car, so that the evil ghost chasing wewe will not appear their, and tell wewe if there is the murderer in the car.
74. Lure aliens somewhere else with food. Failing food, throw an unliked member of your party in front of them and run. Failing an unliked member of your party, convince the alien to go vegan.
75. OH MY GOD SERIOUSLY LOOK BEHIND YOU!!!
76. Shit, how many times are wewe gonna fall for that?
77. If your TV/Computer/PSP is cursed and a ghost is coming through, turning it off will not stop it, nor unplugging. Just wait until it's partial out of screen, then beat a crap out of it.
78. Didn't we already cover that? Ah who cares...
79. Do not watch any video that your Marafiki beg wewe to watch, it is cursed.
80. OKAY THIS IS GETTING OLD!!!!!OKAY THIS IS GETTING OLD!!!!!
81. If the orchestral score starts to rise in any way, watch your back.
82. If a place looks old and haunted, it definitely is.
83. Never talk to clowns in sewers.
84. Do not run, wewe will trip, break your leg, and the villain will catch you, the slasher knows wewe will, that is why they never push themselves.
85. God nor his men cannot help you, never.
86. On the other hand, his zealots can burn wewe on stake.
87. Other kind of gods are very active however, especially those that demand human sacrification.
88. After killing the monster, stab it a couple times zaidi just to make sure it's dead.
89. Avoid picking up hitchikers. At all costs.
90. After someone says "Look behind you!" and is just teasing you, when they say it again, be sure to run as fast as wewe can. Do not say the words "I'm not falling for that stupid trick one zaidi time" au any variation on those words.
91. Always say the Ezekiel 25:17 when someone gets killed. That way, when he tries to kill again, he'll miss the victim.It's called " Divine Intervention"(btw....D.I. is an invention of Samuel L.Jackson).
92. Always have a dog with you.
93. If the dog goes towards the dark, and than wewe hear him squeal, RUN!
94. IT'S ALMOST OVER!!!!IT'S ALMOST OVER!!!!
95. Never try to be funny. Ever.
96. Don't scream AAAAAAAA! once every ten seconds.
97. If wewe Are In The Armory, The Clay Guy Will Challenge You,Don't Scream,JUST FIGHT!If He Catches Up To You, Farewell, Amigo.
98. Bonus:Use A Butcher kisu On Him,The He Will Die.
99. Don't be a hero
100. Shoot at all cost, Don't rethink
101. Stay away from creepy kids, they are creepy for a reason (remain close to cute kids though).
102. Bring a slow friend
103. Never answer the phone.
104. But the most important rule...the single most sacred, that wewe most follow at all cost in order to SURVIVE, is to never, NEVER, EVER, look up a 'how to survive list' because surely wewe will get killed.
* wewe are, most likely, a bored teenager with nothing to do.
* wewe are, most likely, considerably worthless to society.
* wewe are, most likely, an idiot.
* wewe have, most likely, attracted the attention of a maniac in the past 24 hours.
* You, for no reason in particular, are looking up hints on how to survive in a horror movie.
-----
The following rules apply universally to nearly all horror movies. Print them out and keep them in your wallet. Glance at them every five dakika au so. Memorize them, and murmur them incessantly.
1. No sex. At all. To be safe, no masturbation either, and do not get naked. Trust me. wewe do not want to get killed when wewe are naked.
2. No drugs au alcohol.
3. Never go out to investigate strange noises.
4. Never mgawanyiko, baidisha up when wewe are in a large group.
5. Never say, "I'll be right back," because wewe won't.
6. Never watch a horror movie while wewe are in a horror movie.
7. Remember that dark alleys and basements are under no circumstances "safe zones". Also, since no one is ever lucky in horror movies, seven is not a lucky number.
8. Neither mock nor laugh at death au monsters. They hear all and will take vengeance.
9. Immediately run if wewe hear any of the following phrases: "A boy's best friend is his mother," "Here's Johnny," "I see dead people," "Let Jesus fuck you," "Thinner," "A census taker once tried to test me," or, "I wanna play a game". "Heavy breathing through a mask that can be highly seen in heavily dark areas."
10. If your car just happens to stall while near an old mansion in the rain in a rural area, it was probably planned.
11. Trust madness combat style shoop da whoop.
12. Don't take a shower, because some whacko will probably be right there waiting. (The perv!)
13. FORBIDDEN NUMBER!!! FORBIDDEN NUMBER!!!
14. Just stay away from summer camp.
15. Strange noises are never "just the cat". For the upendo of God, wewe don't even own a cat!
16. Avoid plaid shirts like mad.
17. Zombies take advantage of falling. Pay attention to the ground at all times.
18. Pay attention to the crazy old guy, town drunk au scientist. They all have useful advice.
19. Screaming acts as a magnet for the mentally unstable.
20. Curses do not have a "sell by" date. Being on an ancient Indian graveyard will not help this.
21. Stick to a location near other people. Ever wondered why maniacs target log cabins?
22. Someone has escaped from the local prison? wewe might wanna tune into that report.
23. If wewe anger a gypsy, make it your number one priority to make peace immediately.
24. As a rule of thumb, any place other than your house is not safe.
25. Come to think of it, your house isn't too safe, either. Try building a panic room.
26. Oh, wait, never mind.
27. MULTIPLE OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER! MULTIPLE OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER!!!!
28. When a scary ventriloquist dummy turns up in the mail, don't leave it in your room, get the hell out of your house!
29. Easygoing nice guys with monosyllabic first names, their girlfriends, and children all automatically win in the end.
30. In contrast, slutty goth bitches, fat deputies, and jocks never do.
31. If wewe are lucky enough to, oh, say, knock out a madman with a shovel -- for the upendo of God don't drop the shovel and run away. wewe STAY there and BEAT HIS punda DEAD WITH THAT SHOVEL.
32. Listen to the audience; they are way smarter than wewe will ever be.
33. Go for the eyes. Psycho killers are unnerved when wewe kick them in the groin, unless they're pussies.
34. Do not take this so called "shortcut".
35. If wewe do, take a close look at the bloody cars in the pit and keep a gun in your pocket.
36. And play this where there is killing (sorry I Lost the link...). Having jib dance during the kills make It cooler. and, it will cause the killer to go, WTF? It would be hilarious if someboy raped their friend to the music.
37. The police are useless and will distract you. Throw a donut off a cliff to get rid of these pests, make sure wewe get their guns first.
38. If wewe are in a forest with wood stick figures, you're screwed. Might as well kill yourself.
39. If a little kid tells wewe that he saw a ghost au a scary man, BELIEVE HIM!!!
40. Pay attention to musical cues.
41. ANOTHER MULTIPLE OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER! ANOTHER MULTIPLE OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER!!!!!
42. If you're black, wewe will have the best advice, but wewe will become the scapegoat and die first anyway.
43. On the plus side, wewe get to say "motherfucker" a lot while you're still around.
44. Watch out for twist endings.
45. HOLY SHIT, LOOK BEHIND YOU!!!!
46. Ha! Gotcha.
47. If the killer has a mask of some kind, tear it off. Somehow this has a greater priority over killing them.
48. Say "fuck" a lot. It helps build tension. #awsome if ur in a horror movie with a phycho killer then he probably knows were u live so stay in ur room with a lot of shot guns and when he comes in don't just starr at him and scream like a pussy BLOW HIS MOTHER FUCKING BRAINS OUT
49. Above all, just use your basic common sense.
50. Oh, wait . . .
51. Don't scream au your punda is cooked.
52. Huge boobs spell death.
53. Since the audience won't care enough to remember your name anyway, consider name tags.
54. YET ANOTHER MULTIPLE OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER!!! YET ANOTHER MULTIPLE OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER!!!
55. Do not fall asleep. Ever.
56. Consider the possibility that you've been dead since the movie began.
57. au maybe wewe are the killer!
58. If an item has "evil"/"demonic"/"cursed"/etc in its name/description, this is NOT your cue to start playing with it.
59. The awali rule goes DOUBLE for any sort of "Puzzle box", especially one that is alisema to open up a portal to Hell.
60. Never trust a wish-granting device/person in a horror movie; either the wish will come true with some horrible, ironic twist, au it will exact a terrible price (e.g. your SOUL, your kidneys, your genitals, all three, etc.)
61. The full moon is not a good time to go out and "watch the stars in the country".
62. Stay out of phone booths,with the exception of jib clones dancing outside.
63. Be extra extra careful in any movie subtitled "The Final Chapter"; they'll try to squeeze in a higher body count.
64.Don't tell people the rules! Just let them die and get the fuck away from Ghostface, Randy, wewe bitch!
65. If wewe happen to be Paris Hilton, run around in circles out in an open field, yelling, "Oh, someone save me!" This way the killer can go after your retarded ass, buying time for everyone else. Why? 'Cause most of the world considers wewe a bloody waste of oxygen, slut.
66. All things considered, wouldn't wewe really be doing the world a favor kwa dying, anyway?
67. HOW MANY MULTIPLES OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER WILL WE GO THROUGH??? HOW MANY MULTIPLES OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER WILL WE GO THROUGH???
68. Never hide around the corner. The killer can still see the camera pointing at you.
69. If wewe have a gun and see something mutating, do not stare, SHOOT IT!
70. If wewe kill one small creepy slug/spider/incect thingy, it will have either lots of Marafiki au a big mama near kwa to kill you.
71. Make sure to wear contacts, glasses will fall off the worst of times.
72. Fog and night is your worst enemy, so stay in the sun as long as possible.
73. Always have someone sit in the back kiti, kiti cha of your car, so that the evil ghost chasing wewe will not appear their, and tell wewe if there is the murderer in the car.
74. Lure aliens somewhere else with food. Failing food, throw an unliked member of your party in front of them and run. Failing an unliked member of your party, convince the alien to go vegan.
75. OH MY GOD SERIOUSLY LOOK BEHIND YOU!!!
76. Shit, how many times are wewe gonna fall for that?
77. If your TV/Computer/PSP is cursed and a ghost is coming through, turning it off will not stop it, nor unplugging. Just wait until it's partial out of screen, then beat a crap out of it.
78. Didn't we already cover that? Ah who cares...
79. Do not watch any video that your Marafiki beg wewe to watch, it is cursed.
80. OKAY THIS IS GETTING OLD!!!!!OKAY THIS IS GETTING OLD!!!!!
81. If the orchestral score starts to rise in any way, watch your back.
82. If a place looks old and haunted, it definitely is.
83. Never talk to clowns in sewers.
84. Do not run, wewe will trip, break your leg, and the villain will catch you, the slasher knows wewe will, that is why they never push themselves.
85. God nor his men cannot help you, never.
86. On the other hand, his zealots can burn wewe on stake.
87. Other kind of gods are very active however, especially those that demand human sacrification.
88. After killing the monster, stab it a couple times zaidi just to make sure it's dead.
89. Avoid picking up hitchikers. At all costs.
90. After someone says "Look behind you!" and is just teasing you, when they say it again, be sure to run as fast as wewe can. Do not say the words "I'm not falling for that stupid trick one zaidi time" au any variation on those words.
91. Always say the Ezekiel 25:17 when someone gets killed. That way, when he tries to kill again, he'll miss the victim.It's called " Divine Intervention"(btw....D.I. is an invention of Samuel L.Jackson).
92. Always have a dog with you.
93. If the dog goes towards the dark, and than wewe hear him squeal, RUN!
94. IT'S ALMOST OVER!!!!IT'S ALMOST OVER!!!!
95. Never try to be funny. Ever.
96. Don't scream AAAAAAAA! once every ten seconds.
97. If wewe Are In The Armory, The Clay Guy Will Challenge You,Don't Scream,JUST FIGHT!If He Catches Up To You, Farewell, Amigo.
98. Bonus:Use A Butcher kisu On Him,The He Will Die.
99. Don't be a hero
100. Shoot at all cost, Don't rethink
101. Stay away from creepy kids, they are creepy for a reason (remain close to cute kids though).
102. Bring a slow friend
103. Never answer the phone.
104. But the most important rule...the single most sacred, that wewe most follow at all cost in order to SURVIVE, is to never, NEVER, EVER, look up a 'how to survive list' because surely wewe will get killed.
