I realized I loved Ashley a while ago. We were onstage and my microphone cut out. I was forced to use Ashley’s until mine was fixed. For just a moment our lips brushed together and I realized I loved him.
***
It was the end of Valentine’s Day. I wished I could get something for Ashley. Maybe inayofuata mwaka I would be braver. I was alone in my room when I decided to call Ashley. I wouldn’t tell him I loved him yet, I just wanted to hear his voice. I picked up my phone and dialed his number. As I held the phone to my ear I heard a faint ring.
‘Hello?’ I heard Ashley’s voice.
‘Hi,’ I said, ‘this is Andy.’
‘It’s the middle of the night,’ he replied, ‘What do wewe need?’
‘I was just, uh, going to ask wewe something,’ I stumbled over my words, ‘sorry.’
Now I had to tell him, but I had no idea what to say. I tried to plan out what I would say, but he spoke too fast and I couldn’t think straight.
‘What is it?’ he asked.
The words poured out of me.
‘Ashley I upendo you, I want to be with you. I’ve wanted to tell wewe for a long time, but I was scared.’
‘I, I would,’ he said. ‘It’s just that I’m with someone. If wewe had told me sooner we could have…’
I hung up so I wouldn’t start crying on the phone. I sobbed into my pillow. Why didn’t I know he was with someone? I got out of kitanda and walked to the bathroom. Maybe if I Lost weight, maybe then…
ooo
I lie in my bed. My moyo was torn. I didn’t know he loved me. I wish he hadn’t told me. I wished I didn’t have to deal with this. But I had to choose. I loved Andy first, but I was in a kitanda with someone already. I wrapped my arm around his waist and kissed him. I wouldn’t choose just yet. I alisema no to Andy and I can change my mind any time.
ooo
I heard what Ashley was talking about. I knew he wouldn’t leave me, but I couldn’t help worrying. I couldn’t stand life without him. It was hard enough to keep going even with him. He didn’t know about the scars on my wrists, I never showed anyone. He held me and I felt warm and safe. I drifted off in his arms.
I awoke in the morning still clutched in Ashley’s arms. I hugged him and kissed him gently before getting out of bed. I got dressed and went to eat breakfast. I opened the fridge. I realized there was hardly any chakula so I made coffee and went outside for some fresh air. The air was cool and there was a breeze. I ran my fingers over my wrists. I wished I had someone there for me. Even Ash wasn’t enough. I loved him; I just needed another person, something more. Why am I here? I asked myself. I’m just a waste of space. I made up my mind to kill myself soon. That’s where I belong, six feet underground with no one there with me. All alone.
Ash might miss me. I went inside and found a piece of paper. I began to write.
I’m sorry I had to go this way. I’ll miss wewe Ash. I hope wewe don’t miss me too much because I want wewe to stay strong without me. It’s not your fault, I promise, wewe didn’t see the signs so I must have hid it well. I don’t care what happens when I’m gone, just be happy. It’ll get better soon, just wait. Don’t forget me please. I will watch wewe and keep wewe salama if I can. I would have told wewe but I was afraid. I know it’s silly. You’ll make it without me, just cry whenever wewe need to, wewe can be with whoever wewe want now. I had a good last few days with you. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I’ll kiss wewe before I go. I upendo you.
***
It was the end of Valentine’s Day. I wished I could get something for Ashley. Maybe inayofuata mwaka I would be braver. I was alone in my room when I decided to call Ashley. I wouldn’t tell him I loved him yet, I just wanted to hear his voice. I picked up my phone and dialed his number. As I held the phone to my ear I heard a faint ring.
‘Hello?’ I heard Ashley’s voice.
‘Hi,’ I said, ‘this is Andy.’
‘It’s the middle of the night,’ he replied, ‘What do wewe need?’
‘I was just, uh, going to ask wewe something,’ I stumbled over my words, ‘sorry.’
Now I had to tell him, but I had no idea what to say. I tried to plan out what I would say, but he spoke too fast and I couldn’t think straight.
‘What is it?’ he asked.
The words poured out of me.
‘Ashley I upendo you, I want to be with you. I’ve wanted to tell wewe for a long time, but I was scared.’
‘I, I would,’ he said. ‘It’s just that I’m with someone. If wewe had told me sooner we could have…’
I hung up so I wouldn’t start crying on the phone. I sobbed into my pillow. Why didn’t I know he was with someone? I got out of kitanda and walked to the bathroom. Maybe if I Lost weight, maybe then…
ooo
I lie in my bed. My moyo was torn. I didn’t know he loved me. I wish he hadn’t told me. I wished I didn’t have to deal with this. But I had to choose. I loved Andy first, but I was in a kitanda with someone already. I wrapped my arm around his waist and kissed him. I wouldn’t choose just yet. I alisema no to Andy and I can change my mind any time.
ooo
I heard what Ashley was talking about. I knew he wouldn’t leave me, but I couldn’t help worrying. I couldn’t stand life without him. It was hard enough to keep going even with him. He didn’t know about the scars on my wrists, I never showed anyone. He held me and I felt warm and safe. I drifted off in his arms.
I awoke in the morning still clutched in Ashley’s arms. I hugged him and kissed him gently before getting out of bed. I got dressed and went to eat breakfast. I opened the fridge. I realized there was hardly any chakula so I made coffee and went outside for some fresh air. The air was cool and there was a breeze. I ran my fingers over my wrists. I wished I had someone there for me. Even Ash wasn’t enough. I loved him; I just needed another person, something more. Why am I here? I asked myself. I’m just a waste of space. I made up my mind to kill myself soon. That’s where I belong, six feet underground with no one there with me. All alone.
Ash might miss me. I went inside and found a piece of paper. I began to write.
I’m sorry I had to go this way. I’ll miss wewe Ash. I hope wewe don’t miss me too much because I want wewe to stay strong without me. It’s not your fault, I promise, wewe didn’t see the signs so I must have hid it well. I don’t care what happens when I’m gone, just be happy. It’ll get better soon, just wait. Don’t forget me please. I will watch wewe and keep wewe salama if I can. I would have told wewe but I was afraid. I know it’s silly. You’ll make it without me, just cry whenever wewe need to, wewe can be with whoever wewe want now. I had a good last few days with you. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I’ll kiss wewe before I go. I upendo you.
"When There's Nothing Left"
When there's nothing left to give
I will give wewe zaidi than I ever gave before
When there's nothing left left to say
I'll say it all again, but until then...
And I'll give wewe my heart, say I upendo you
Say I upendo you
And I'll give wewe my heart, say I upendo you
Oh, cause I do, Jesus
No muziki to play so I sing wewe my own song
Come on and sing along
When there's nothing that remains
wewe still stay the same
You're looking so strong
And I'll give wewe my heart, say I upendo you
Say I upendo you
And I'll give wewe my heart, say I upendo you
Oh, cause I do
And I'll give wewe my heart, say I upendo you
I'm gonna, I'm gonna say I upendo you
And I'll give wewe my heart, say I upendo you
Oh, cause I do, sweet Jesus
When there's nothing left to give
I will give wewe zaidi than I ever gave before
I'm gonna give wewe my heart
I'm gonna give wewe my moyo
When there's nothing left to give
I will give wewe zaidi than I ever gave before
When there's nothing left left to say
I'll say it all again, but until then...
And I'll give wewe my heart, say I upendo you
Say I upendo you
And I'll give wewe my heart, say I upendo you
Oh, cause I do, Jesus
No muziki to play so I sing wewe my own song
Come on and sing along
When there's nothing that remains
wewe still stay the same
You're looking so strong
And I'll give wewe my heart, say I upendo you
Say I upendo you
And I'll give wewe my heart, say I upendo you
Oh, cause I do
And I'll give wewe my heart, say I upendo you
I'm gonna, I'm gonna say I upendo you
And I'll give wewe my heart, say I upendo you
Oh, cause I do, sweet Jesus
When there's nothing left to give
I will give wewe zaidi than I ever gave before
I'm gonna give wewe my heart
I'm gonna give wewe my moyo